ElTopo
Don't listen to me, I am drunk
- Mar 30, 2025
- 193
I'm kind of obsessed about talking to God, having psychedelic experiences that allow me to talk to God. I'm also very into the fact that God will one day soon allow me to die in a catastrophe, this isn't so far fetched, I live in a city near a big underground volcano, there's often seismic swarms and they've been getting more violent over the years, plus the buildings are all real old and it is assured to cause death when it happens.
That said I'm pretty sure it's about how I translated my problems into spirituality. I want help and I need help but there isn't realistically anyone that can help me, doctors have failed me, family is the cause of most of my problems and the few friends I have either can't help me or won't.
I know I sound crazy but I'm not crazy yet, although I can feel myself slipping, I get worse by the day and it's hard to keep a facade, I managed to clean my apartment today but I've drank a lot this week. I have this vision of my future that is so bleak and depressing and gut wrenchingly lonely. There is no one, even though I tried everything I could and I did everything correctly, even thoygh I tried to fix myself with such a might, gravity always wins, inside that armor there is always a broken man, a failed child and a bitter monster.
Even if you may think I am some kind of good for nothing who is only capable of complaining I assure you I am none of that. I've been through everything and I fixed everything, I cared for everyone and did my best in every single part of my life. I have been through many storms and I came out and yet nothing can heal the fact that through all of that I was so alone.
There is no escape for me and that's why the end seems like the only logical continuation. I'll probably hold myself from drinking more tonight but at least I don't have work tomorrow. These are my thoughts now, I don't think there is anything else for now, will add some later maybe if I feel like it.
That said I'm pretty sure it's about how I translated my problems into spirituality. I want help and I need help but there isn't realistically anyone that can help me, doctors have failed me, family is the cause of most of my problems and the few friends I have either can't help me or won't.
I know I sound crazy but I'm not crazy yet, although I can feel myself slipping, I get worse by the day and it's hard to keep a facade, I managed to clean my apartment today but I've drank a lot this week. I have this vision of my future that is so bleak and depressing and gut wrenchingly lonely. There is no one, even though I tried everything I could and I did everything correctly, even thoygh I tried to fix myself with such a might, gravity always wins, inside that armor there is always a broken man, a failed child and a bitter monster.
Even if you may think I am some kind of good for nothing who is only capable of complaining I assure you I am none of that. I've been through everything and I fixed everything, I cared for everyone and did my best in every single part of my life. I have been through many storms and I came out and yet nothing can heal the fact that through all of that I was so alone.
There is no escape for me and that's why the end seems like the only logical continuation. I'll probably hold myself from drinking more tonight but at least I don't have work tomorrow. These are my thoughts now, I don't think there is anything else for now, will add some later maybe if I feel like it.
