Talking about being suicidal???

[sadboyhours:(]

Hey everyone, I hope you're all doing well.

I really need advice on something, I can't really work out if I want help or not?? Part of me really just wants to kill myself in the most painful way possible but part of me wants to give life one more go. I was doing okay for a while and it was going okay but then it all kind of went to shit again and I have violet thoughts nearly all day and it exhausts me. I have an English teacher who has always been incredibly sweet to me (I redid a year because I was so suicidal and ill so I'm 18 but still in school). Anyways, I'm not sure if I should talk to her about it or not. She was the only person after my last attempt who made time for me and didn't guilt trip me into staying. The only things stopping me is that I know if I talk about it, the chance of me being able to fulfill an attempt decreases and that scares me but I also promised her I'd try my best and I know she valued that, I don't want the last thing I do, to be disappointing her. She already shared about how she felt guilty about not seeing it before and she deserves so much better, she's spent years trying to help me and if I kill myself that all goes to waste. I'm just scared that I'll make the wrong decision but either way I don't really see myself making it through

Cheers guys, stay safe

 

[everydayiloveyou]

Is she still your teacher? If you're in the USA, teachers are mandated reporters so if you say anything explicit to her she'll have to report it, which could get you sectioned depending on how detailed you get.

Maybe try asking her if she can support you by helping you look for a therapist?

 

[timf]

You may wish to consider the influence of focus. When a person begins a process of detachment, the few things remaining in their life grow to assume greater proportion. This amplification can cause distortion. In your mind the kindness of this teacher has given you an anchor point. However, rather than returning to or focusing on a single point, you may wish to cultivate an additional anchor point. You can send the teacher a note saying you were thinking about her kindness recently and just wanted to thank her again.

To find new people who might also be kind, you may have to sift through 49 people who won't be kind. You might be able to improve those odds a little by selecting church people, or those in a volunteer organization.

An anchor point does not have to be a person. A special interest or activity can also be woven into the fabric of life. you already have had some successes. You may wish to build on those and even become an anchor for someone else.

 

[sadboyhours:(]

Is she still your teacher? If you're in the USA, teachers are mandated reporters so if you say anything explicit to her she'll have to report it, which could get you sectioned depending on how detailed you get.

Maybe try asking her if she can support you by helping you look for a therapist?

Yeah :( I've spoken about stuff with her before and she hasn't reported it and that's been pretty detailed. I just really don't know who else to talk to that will make me feel moderately cared about.
I have a therapist already and she's lovely but I know that she probably doesn't care and it makes me literally unable to take her advice half the time, it's not specific to her I just generally don't feel cared about other than by people that genuinely try

You may wish to consider the influence of focus. When a person begins a process of detachment, the few things remaining in their life grow to assume greater proportion. This amplification can cause distortion. In your mind the kindness of this teacher has given you an anchor point. However, rather than returning to or focusing on a single point, you may wish to cultivate an additional anchor point. You can send the teacher a note saying you were thinking about her kindness recently and just wanted to thank her again.

To find new people who might also be kind, you may have to sift through 49 people who won't be kind. You might be able to improve those odds a little by selecting church people, or those in a volunteer organization.

An anchor point does not have to be a person. A special interest or activity can also be woven into the fabric of life. you already have had some successes. You may wish to build on those and even become an anchor for someone else.

Thank you for your kindness, I appreciate it a lot. I've thanked her lots in the past, she definitely knows how much she's helped me. I just really don't want to be alive. She's so incredibly busy though that it makes me feel bad to bother her and I know it's unfair to put too much on her and I've always given her the opportunity to stop.

Ive tried to become other people's anchor point, I've started regular volunteering which is somewhat helping but I just don't generally care about anything which makes it difficult

 

[Celerity]

Yeah :( I've spoken about stuff with her before and she hasn't reported it and that's been pretty detailed. I just really don't know who else to talk to that will make me feel moderately cared about.
I have a therapist already and she's lovely but I know that she probably doesn't care and it makes me literally unable to take her advice half the time, it's not specific to her I just generally don't feel cared about other than by people that genuinely try

Thank you for your kindness, I appreciate it a lot. I've thanked her lots in the past, she definitely knows how much she's helped me. I just really don't want to be alive. She's so incredibly busy though that it makes me feel bad to bother her and I know it's unfair to put too much on her and I've always given her the opportunity to stop.

Ive tried to become other people's anchor point, I've started regular volunteering which is somewhat helping but I just don't generally care about anything which makes it difficult

If you feel like your therapist doesn't care - whatever the reason, regardless of objective of facts that you can (or can't) prove - you need to find another therapist. Continuing to see a therapist when that's how they make you feel is worse than not going at all. Is this your first one?

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I don't want the last thing I do, to be disappointing her.

I wish I had valuable advice, but I don't. I empathize with how much you value the kindness and support from your teacher, though. It speaks well of you that you cherish these and don't want to disappoint her. Whatever you decide, I hope you find a LOT more kindness and judgement-free support. I think a lot of us have been broken by life's callousness as much as by its cruelty. Hope this stops for you.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

If you feel like your therapist doesn't care - whatever the reason, regardless of objective of facts that you can (or can't) prove - you need to find another therapist. Continuing to see a therapist when that's how they make you feel is worse than not going at all. Is this your first one?

agreed with this!

You shouldn't feel like you can't trust your therapist, that they dont care, or that you're walking on eggshells with them. Just a reminder that therapy literally can't work if you can't be honest and vulnerable. Your therapist is a therapist, not a mind-reader, and if you don't tell her how you feel then she can't possibly know. If you're expecting your therapist to innately know how to show you that she genuinely cares, you should tell her since this could lead to a very prpductive discussion about your expectations of others, your therapeutic relationship, and your current issues.

OP try bringing this up to her exactly as you've described it in your original post, maybe omitting the suicide stuff ofc, and see what your therapist says. If she is flippant, combative, or you feel at all like she isn't listening or that she's upset, that's the perfect sign that you need to see someone else.

 

[sadboyhours:(]

If you feel like your therapist doesn't care - whatever the reason, regardless of objective of facts that you can (or can't) prove - you need to find another therapist. Continuing to see a therapist when that's how they make you feel is worse than not going at all. Is this your first one?

I don't think it's specifically her, I've had a few and I've felt the same about all of them, I think it's mainly because they're literally paid to talk to me lmao. She helps with the anxiety and allowing me to have a space to talk about it, so I can slightly cope better but I don't think it's enough. It took months for me to be able to open up to her and I don't think I have the time to do that again with someone else :(( with my English teacher it feels different? Because she has to go out of her way and it's not specifically her job so I end of appreciating it more, even though they probably put the same amount of effort in

I wish I had valuable advice, but I don't. I empathize with how much you value the kindness and support from your teacher, though. It speaks well of you that you cherish these and don't want to disappoint her. Whatever you decide, I hope you find a LOT more kindness and judgement-free support. I think a lot of us have been broken by life's callousness as much as by its cruelty. Hope this stops for you.

Thank you, you're incredibly sweet and I appreciate it a lot. I value her immensely, she's practically the only reason I'm here so I have nothing but admiration for her. I really hope that if you haven't already, that you find that person for you, it really does make it just a little bit easier even though it can't solve it

agreed with this!

You shouldn't feel like you can't trust your therapist, that they dont care, or that you're walking on eggshells with them. Just a reminder that therapy literally can't work if you can't be honest and vulnerable. Your therapist is a therapist, not a mind-reader, and if you don't tell her how you feel then she can't possibly know. If you're expecting your therapist to innately know how to show you that she genuinely cares, you should tell her since this could lead to a very prpductive discussion about your expectations of others, your therapeutic relationship, and your current issues.

OP try bringing this up to her exactly as you've described it in your original post, maybe omitting the suicide stuff ofc, and see what your therapist says. If she is flippant, combative, or you feel at all like she isn't listening or that she's upset, that's the perfect sign that you need to see someone else.

Thank you for your advice, I value it a lot. Im speaking to her tomorrow so I'll try and mention it and talk about it or write it down, whichever gets the point across easier. The thing is that I know she probably does care because she's incredibly sweet and I know she does slightly more than she has to but I still can't get over the fact she's paid to talk to me, it's been the same with the other people too.
I think something that really doesn't help is that when im having a rough time, I find therapy so draining that I just ignore all the actual issues, not great at all but I don't see it improving with other people. Whereas obviously teachers know it's bad anyway because it's more difficult to hide all day every day as opposed to one hour. I'll work it out though, thank you!!

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Im speaking to her tomorrow so I'll try and mention it and talk about it or write it down, whichever gets the point across easier.

If you ever think another sounding board might help, I'm happy to listen. PM me anytime. Peace--and best of luck.