Discussion Suicide Notes

[Fangarina]

I have been thinking a lot about my notes. I have a list of people I know I need to leave them for, who will be destroyed by me leaving and need some reassurance that I love them, and I appreciate every second of support they have given me.
However.
One of the notes I know I should leave is to my best friend.
My issue with this is that part of me feels like I don't owe her one. She knows how much I have been struggling the last few months, and while we pass tiktoks/ memes/ snaps daily - there is never really conversation anymore. She never reaches out to check in, ask to go for coffee, come down for a quick visit. It's always me who arranges things and if I don't, we don't see each other.
I don't know if I feel like I could write a letter and tell her how much I appreciate her when actually, she hasn't been there at all despite knowing I am actively suicidal.
I know some people don't deal well with it, but I have never asked her or anyone else to fix me. They can't, but I do expect some form of effort within the relationship. I don't even get the bare minimum in the friendship but I get the best friend memes and stuff all the time.
Her world falls apart, she runs to me and I'm there no questions asked.
Mine falls apart and I don't hear from her.
She isn't a bad person, and she does have a heart of gold but I don't know if I feel comfortable lying in a letter to her when she didn't really give a damn when I am here.
I know she will be devastated. And I know if I don't leave her one, that will totally mess with her head which I'd never want to do. It's the letter on my list that I am struggling with because why should I still be the one offering her reassurance after I'm gone, when she couldn't even give it to me when I am alive?
I have stopped making so much effort with her now, and the last I seen her properly was almost a month ago.

 

[Noct]

I know she will be devastated. And I know if I don't leave her one, that will totally mess with her head which I'd never want to do. It's the letter on my list that I am struggling with because why should I still be the one offering her reassurance after I'm gone, when she couldn't even give it to me when I am alive?

I completely get this. I feel this way about my family. They claim to 'love' me but they only ever do in the ways they want to and not the ways I actually need. I'm on the fence about writing them anything at all even with knowing how devastating my death would be to them.

What I've landed on is just writing them something simple that both has my apologies, thanks, but also some of my grievances that the only time I'd ever be willing to say is when I'd CTB.

However no matter what you choose, your decision is valid. you don't have to write or do anything for anyone. CTB is your one time to do things entirely for yourself.