Symptoms that contribute to wanting to CTB

[neverever]

What symptoms contribute most to your desire to CTB? Typically, I am depressed and anxious, so the contributing symptoms are anhedonia, insomnia, thought intrusion, restlessness, and so forth. Recently, though, I have additionally become paranoid. I think that people are watching me on camera and listening to me through wires. Probably because they are. And I think that a certain person who is close to me is hoping or even plotting for me to die. I believe that this person arranged the recent bad turn of events in my life so that I would want to die, and that the person is daily planting triggers and deceits to push me past the brink. Knowing that the person wants me to die actually makes me want to fight to live, but the paranoia makes me want to get out as soon as possible.

Anyway. If mental or physical illness lead you to SS, what symptoms make you most suicidal?

 

[Sherri]

Mental issues, loneliness, lack of money. Rejecting what society throws at us, lack of family support. Etc.

 

[elfgyoza]

Recently, though, I have additionally become paranoid. I think that people are watching me on camera and listening to me through wires. Probably because they are. And I think that a certain person who is close to me is hoping or even plotting for me to die. I believe that this person arranged the recent bad turn of events in my life so that I would want to die, and that the person is daily planting triggers and deceits to push me past the brink. Knowing that the person wants me to die actually makes me want to fight to live, but the paranoia makes me want to get out as soon as possible.

I'm not really that familiar with feelings of paranoia, but can you challenge the thoughts in any way? Is there a logical reason why this person would want you to die, is it in their nature to do that? I'd really encourage you to speak to someone, hopefully a professional, but I know that's not always possible.

My own main reasons are depression and just a generally messed up brain (autism, too sensitive to sounds). Not a symptom, but my philosophical views on life also make it difficult for me to find a logical reason to endure this suffering

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I could go on and on about anhedonia, generalized anxiety, depression - been dealing with this hell for most of my life. Life is so empty, lonely, agonizing. And even if I cared enough to actually try and recover... I hate this world. I genuinely do not want to live, I haven't for such a long time.

 

[MindFrog]

Probably my autism, or rather how it was handled. I've only been diagnosed 2 years ago, and It just makes me really angry how late it took. All my unusual traits, the bullying, my own parents not understanding caused too much irreversible damage and it could have been prevented so even the suffering feels useless. It sucks.

 

[neverever]

I'm not really that familiar with feelings of paranoia, but can you challenge the thoughts in any way? Is there a logical reason why this person would want you to die, is it in their nature to do that? I'd really encourage you to speak to someone, hopefully a professional, but I know that's not always possible.

My own main reasons are depression and just a generally messed up brain (autism, too sensitive to sounds). Not a symptom, but my philosophical views on life also make it difficult for me to find a logical reason to endure this suffering

Thank you. I have talked about the paranoia with my therapist and psychiatrist. They seem to think that I am having mere cognitive distortions; perhaps they don't understand how horrifyingly vivid the beliefs are, as though they show me a reality behind the veil of acting. This person scares me. Her facial expressions and eye electricity reveal severe negative intent.

 

[tonygw]

Mostly because i don't feel loved.

 

[neverever]

Thank you. I have talked about the paranoia with my therapist and psychiatrist. They seem to think that I am having mere cognitive distortions; perhaps they don't understand how horrifyingly vivid the beliefs are, as though they show me a reality behind the veil of acting. This person scares me. Her facial expressions and eye electricity reveal severe negative intent.

And there is logic to explain why this person would want for me to die. My death would benefit the person financially and emotionally. So maybe I cannot call the paranoia a symptom as much as a strong sense that my symptoms combined with social isolation enable.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Burning pins and needles pain in my legs, feet, fingers, and toes. Feeling ill as soon as I wake up and experiencing pain nearly everytime I eat. Brain fog and tiredness that permeates every waking moment, you know when a camera is unfocused and the image is just a blurry mess? That's how my vision and perception are everyday.

Soreness in my back and legs everytime I have to move around a lot or walk somewhere. Dizziness. Being unable to stay asleep all night and waking up multiple times. Being unable to extend my jaw all the way. Flashbacks and nightmares regarding my trauma, including horrible panic attacks when I am exposed to any sort of medical imagery or graphic mention of doctors.

Loneliness and lack of family. Being temporarily mute for part of my life because of autism. My voice not sounding like other women's because of autism. Being unable to make eye contact or read people's facial expressions. Reacting strongly to certain textures, sounds, and smells because of autism.

Get me outttt

 

[Symbiote]

Losing control of my mental processes, mental confusion due to losing control, decisions that impact not only me, but others around me, uncertainty of my future on this Earth.

 

[Meditation guide]

I awake with internal tremors every day. They continue on sometimes most of the day or even the entire day until I fall asleep at night. It's internal shaking. The medical establishment doesn't know anything about them. It's happening right now making it a challenge to type this out as it's very hard to concentrate. It's as if my entire body has gone haywire.
I expect this and other symptoms to continue to get worse and worse.

Then there is the pain from a slipped disc in my back and hip. I have lots of physical symptoms.

 

[AutoTap]

Anxiety depression panic attacks

 

[grungeCat]

Because I'm awkward and nobody loves me. Besides I'm very insecure about my sexuality as I have extreme paraphilia. It brings me lots of disgust and guilt. There's no cure for this but castration.

 

[neverever]

Burning pins and needles pain in my legs, feet, fingers, and toes. Feeling ill as soon as I wake up and experiencing pain nearly everytime I eat. Brain fog and tiredness that permeates every waking moment, you know when a camera is unfocused and the image is just a blurry mess? That's how my vision and perception are everyday.

Soreness in my back and legs everytime I have to move around a lot or walk somewhere. Dizziness. Being unable to stay asleep all night and waking up multiple times. Being unable to extend my jaw all the way. Flashbacks and nightmares regarding my trauma, including horrible panic attacks when I am exposed to any sort of medical imagery or graphic mention of doctors.

Loneliness and lack of family. Being temporarily mute for part of my life because of autism. My voice not sounding like other women's because of autism. Being unable to make eye contact or read people's facial expressions. Reacting strongly to certain textures, sounds, and smells because of autism.

Get me outttt

I am virtually wrapping you in a warm hug that causes all your ailments to float away.

 

[freedomfreezerstar]

Addiction took the last good thing from me and that was focusing. Focusing was like tuning out the world

 

[NodusTollens]

Pain.

I've always felt depressed, lonely & insignificant, I could withstand the weight of the world & my mental anguish following the "best years of my life..." But the recent changes to my body have me feeling like, what's the point?

I've watched myself change, I became bitter, & angry all time. It only gets worse from here.

Probably my autism, or rather how it was handled. I've only been diagnosed 2 years ago, and It just makes me really angry how late it took. All my unusual traits, the bullying, my own parents not understanding caused too much irreversible damage and it could have been prevented so even the suffering feels useless. It sucks.

You know, I'm not quite in the same boat, though I can understand your anger over the late diagnosis.
—hugs—
I started to see how I could be on the spectrum last year (29F), it's crushing. I keep asking myself, "how could they not have noticed?"

 

[Sensei]

Bipolar depressive episodes. I can't describe in words how it is to look through that black veil. I have to fight suicidal impulses every single f--king day and when I think about it now I can honestly not understand how I still can be alive.

 

[MindFrog]

I started to see how I could be on the spectrum last year (29F), it's crushing. I keep asking myself, "how could they not have noticed?"

Mainly lack of information, I didn't even know anything about autism until i was in college. And also wrong timing. It took the medical field way more years to properly identify autism in women, sometimes misdiagnosing them with BPD. So there's also that thought in my head that even if I did got checked earlier, It'll still be wrong. So yeah, badluck. (sorry if i guess your gender wrong tho)

 

[justanotherstar]

There are many symptoms that make life hell but for me there are two that absolutely cause me to want to CTB and that's my Psychosis and also Chronic Insomnia :-(

 

[neverever]

There are many symptoms that make life hell but for me there are two that absolutely cause me to want to CTB and that's my Psychosis and also Chronic Insomnia :-(

Chronic insomnia is absolutely tormenting. So sorry that you experience that and psychosis. Hugs.

 

[justanotherstar]

Chronic insomnia is absolutely tormenting. So sorry that you experience that and psychosis. Hugs.

Thanks. I relate a lot to your experience with paranoia and thought intrusion. Though my experience is slightly different it sounds like we have a lot I common so if you ever want an understanding ear then my inbox is always open :-)

 

[profoundexperience]

Isn't it interesting that culture has conditioned us to "point the finger" to things inside us as being the problem...?

That it's the individual that's "defective"?

I say no.

Sure, I too have mental health "issues"... and I deeply respect yours as well.

But what's "to blame" here is not us: The fault is that life did not arise out of any sort of "goodness" and it's origins and development are not "holy". It's ugly and selfish and supremely wasteful (especially of the most precious -- the only valuable thing here -- the suffering of sentient beings).

So, no: Our "symptoms" are not the "causes"... they are the "results" of a system that literally invented torture.

Pointing our fingers "outward" (at this whole thing) rather than "inward" (at ourselves) is much more accurate and true.

 

[neverever]

Isn't it interesting that culture has conditioned us to "point the finger" to things inside us as being the problem...?

That it's the individual that's "defective"?

I say no.

Sure, I too have mental health "issues"... and I deeply respect yours as well.

But what's "to blame" here is not us: The fault is that life did not arise out of any sort of "goodness" and it's origins and development are not "holy". It's ugly and selfish and supremely wasteful (especially of the most precious -- the only valuable thing here -- the suffering of sentient beings).

So, no: Our "symptoms" are not the "causes"... they are the "results" of a system that literally invented torture.

Pointing our fingers "outward" (at this whole thing) rather than "inward" (at ourselves) is much more accurate and true.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. They resonate with me.

I was thinking of a similar idea only a few hours ago. A martial arts tradition that I have studied teaches to "point the swords outward," meaning to direct negative energy outward rather than inward. This could be interpreted to mean many things. I think that it means that we heal by expressing our emotions rather than suppressing them. And it may mean that we grow in relationships by directing negative energy away from them rather than into them. Finally, as you said, it may mean that we can blame society rather than ourselves for our problems.

Thank you for your insights.

 

[profoundexperience]

I too appreciate you... very much.

A martial arts tradition that I have studied teaches to "point the swords outward,"

What tradition does this come-from and is there any more background details to it? Interested because I'd never heard of it before and would like to learn more...

Finally, as you said, it may mean that we can blame society rather than ourselves for our problems.

The problem is that I'm not sure it (this whole thing) is redeemable, or at all worth it even if it somehow was: All the problems we/society has ONLY EXIST because we/society exist. The "universe" has no problems we're here to solve.

And about the dumbest thing possible for intelligent creatures... is to merely "make-up problems" that then need to be "solved".

 

[NodusTollens]

Mainly lack of information, I didn't even know anything about autism until i was in college. And also wrong timing. It took the medical field way more years to properly identify autism in women, sometimes misdiagnosing them with BPD. So there's also that thought in my head that even if I did got checked earlier, It'll still be wrong. So yeah, badluck. (sorry if i guess your gender wrong tho)

I definitely understand where you're coming from, though it was rhetorical in nature.

There were things my parents neglected to do for reasons beyond me, though it frequently boiled down to MH isn't real & doctors don't need to know our person business- so the conversation couldn't even begin.

Also, I am diagnosed with BPD (5 years ago), & through my own research (college) discovered the overlap between ASD & BPD. For personal reason, I have not sought out a full dx yet. So I'm aware of the limitation of knowledge, however, their aversion to doctors was my detriment. There were signs I needed support, they ignored them.

 

[Pookie]

Pain pain pain, malaise and fatigue every single day and the resulting mental anguish and depression because your body has decided to turn on you and become your own 24/7 built-in sadistic torturer. I also grieve the things I can no longer do because my body won't let me and I can never enjoy anything fully because I'm never comfortable and symptom-free. That's the main reason why I want to ctb.

 

[Lutembëe]

Probably my autism, or rather how it was handled. I've only been diagnosed 2 years ago, and It just makes me really angry how late it took. All my unusual traits, the bullying, my own parents not understanding caused too much irreversible damage and it could have been prevented so even the suffering feels useless. It sucks.

I feel you, I'm Asperger, diagnosed two months ago at 25, I know how it makes suffer. That's why I want to CTB also.

 

[neverever]

My thoughts today: All of our symptoms originate in imbalances between our needs and how our lives fulfill our needs.

When I was in a loving relationship, living in my beautiful and carefully crafted home, in a geographic location marked by natural beauty, working in a job that gratified me, interacting broadly with social contacts, following a daily routine that made me feel safe, I was barely symptomatic and was not at all suicidal. Mental health professionals may say that I was "codependent" on my circumstances, but that incenses me. I developed those circumstances to make this life tolerable! It is understandable that I need a precise balance of circumstances to tolerate this cruel world. When they were taken from me, I rocketed into severe symptomatology (a familiar place for me, as I was in this purgatory for many years before I designed the circumstances that gave me the will to live) and absolute suicidality.

I desperately wish to die for a host of reasons that I've written about here, and for many more too nuanced or sad to even articulate. Mental illness. Isolation. Misery. Yet they all stem from the idea that I have always felt like a social outcast although my only wish has been to love and be loved. My only wish is to love and be loved! And I have, a million times over, been denied exactly that. For simple instance: I used my skill of language to ask my parents for a hug last night, and they denied me. Take me now.

 

[Lastsauce]

Mostly worsening anxiety/depression and absolute loneliness. Five years ago I tought I could handle maybe 10-15 years more so that my parents would have passed away.