Help Switching Methods?

[TiredHorse]

I've already tried talking to my mum about arranging me to stay at my brother's this weekend (my dad works away from home all week thankfully) but she doesn't seem big on the idea, probably because she knows he'll be an ass about it and get my brother involved. I've got back in touch with a housing support association I contacted a while ago and hopefully it's not too late to sort something out, if I'm eligible for support anyways.

It sounds like you're exploring options --more power to you! How does your brother feel about getting involved? I know my sister was thrilled to run interference against my father when I "went dark" for those years. It was a sort of passive-aggressive revenge for all the shit he'd piled on her head for too many years. So maybe your brother could be an ally?

I've got my fingers crossed for you, with the housing support. That sounds like it could be good if it can be made to work.

I hate the strain of family discord.

Really, really hoping you can find an escape hatch.

 

[15dec]

It sounds like you're exploring options --more power to you! How does your brother feel about getting involved? I know my sister was thrilled to run interference against my father when I "went dark" for those years. It was a sort of passive-aggressive revenge for all the shit he'd piled on her head for too many years. So maybe your brother could be an ally?

I've got my fingers crossed for you, with the housing support. That sounds like it could be good if it can be made to work.

I hate the strain of family discord.

Really, really hoping you can find an escape hatch.

I'm not sure -he has some money problems and his son has special needs so me staying with them could be a pretty huge strain. He's had issues with my dad when he was violent towards my mum when I was still very young but they seem to have repaired things somewhat and I'm not sure if he'd be willing to damage that, especially as my dad is helping him with his financial troubles. I'm sure he'd like to help but it's lrobably too risky for him to

 

[Othermind]

I've already tried talking to my mum about arranging me to stay at my brother's this weekend (my dad works away from home all week thankfully) but she doesn't seem big on the idea, probably because she knows he'll be an ass about it and get my brother involved. I've got back in touch with a housing support association I contacted a while ago and hopefully it's not too late to sort something out, if I'm eligible for support anyways.

Not to pry, but should you get help from this housing support association (no idea what it is, not from the UK), would you still want to ctb? Wouldn't it be a hurdle not being at your own place where you know when you have alone time etc.?

 

[TiredHorse]

I'm not sure -he has some money problems and his son has special needs so me staying with them could be a pretty huge strain. He's had issues with my dad when he was violent towards my mum when I was still very young but they seem to have repaired things somewhat and I'm not sure if he'd be willing to damage that, especially as my dad is helping him with his financial troubles. I'm sure he'd like to help but it's lrobably too risky for him to

It does sound complex, but I'm still glad you're exploring it. Honestly, I was gobsmacked when my sister leapt into my fight with my father. We had never been close, and I considered her more of a liability than an asset, but it turned out that she was game. Nothing comes for free, of course, and I've had to step up on her behalf since then (our father is sort of like ebola: he keeps reemerging from the wild in new and unpleasant ways) but there are worse debts than fighting a common enemy.

The financial complications are... complex. I won't try to guess how that might turn out. I can see why you're skeptical. But maybe your brother can point you toward an option you might not otherwise have access to? A friend of his? Or of his partner's? A safe haven one step removed might give him some "plausible deniability" against your father?

 

[15dec]

It does sound complex, but I'm still glad you're exploring it. Honestly, I was gobsmacked when my sister leapt into my fight with my father. We had never been close, and I considered her more of a liability than an asset, but it turned out that she was game. Nothing comes for free, of course, and I've had to step up on her behalf since then (our father is sort of like ebola: he keeps reemerging from the wild in new and unpleasant ways) but there are worse debts than fighting a common enemy.

The financial complications are... complex. I won't try to guess how that might turn out. I can see why you're skeptical. But maybe your brother can point you toward an option you might not otherwise have access to? A friend of his? Or of his partner's? A safe haven one step removed might give him some "plausible deniability" against your father?

Nice comparison to Ebola, honestly that's how my dad would be and I believe it's one of the reasons why my mum still sticks around and puts up with it, to avoid all the stress of him harassing her, my siblings or hell even me.

That's definitely an option, thing is I'm pretty shy and whatnot so I can imagine staying with one of their friends would be very awkward.

The other problem with this is that if I suddenly disappeared my dad would be very hellbent on finding out where I am, and if I'm just with a relative or one of their friends it'd be a lot easier for him to intimidate or threaten his way into finding me and giving me hell. At least if I can go through this housing support thing I'd presumably have some kind of protection from him or at the very least he'd be discouraged from going against an actual organisation, rather than a few individuals.

 

[TiredHorse]

That's definitely an option, thing is I'm pretty shy and whatnot so I can imagine staying with one of their friends would be very awkward.

Shyness... Whew. I hear you. Me too. That doesn't make it easy. I don't have any good answers to that one.

Ugh. A psycho hell-bent on finding you would be tough. I was once part of an "underground railroad" scheme for an acquaintence, "J," where she left her abusive boyfriend and moved to a friend's house. Of course that put the friend in danger, but that friend was also a friend of mine, and "J" came to live with me for a couple days until I could pass her along to a third friend unknown to the first. I think "J" went through a couple more stops on the railroad after that, too. The abusive boyfriend knew the first friend, and knew of me, but he didn't know me well, so when he did eventually track "J" to my house he didn't have any leverage on me to find out where "J" had gone next. It was complex as hell, but there was a life at stake...

...As there may be in your case, if we're looking at this objectively. So maybe you might consider something like it? Exhausting to contemplate, I know.

But perhaps just one friend-step removed would be enough to shield both you and your brother? I really don't know; I'm talking out my ear. Typical male; trying to solve all the problems.

It does sound like the housing support is the best option, if you can manage it.

 

[15dec]

Shyness... Whew. I hear you. Me too. That doesn't make it easy. I don't have any good answers to that one.

Ugh. A psycho hell-bent on finding you would be tough. I was once part of an "underground railroad" scheme for an acquaintence, "J," where she left her abusive boyfriend and moved to a friend's house. Of course that put the friend in danger, but that friend was also a friend of mine, and "J" came to live with me for a couple days until I could pass her along to a third friend unknown to the first. I think "J" went through a couple more stops on the railroad after that, too. The abusive boyfriend knew the first friend, and knew of me, but he didn't know me well, so when he did eventually track "J" to my house he didn't have any leverage on me to find out where "J" had gone next. It was complex as hell, but there was a life at stake...

...As there may be in your case, if we're looking at this objectively. So maybe you might consider something like it? Exhausting to contemplate, I know.

But perhaps just one friend-step removed would be enough to shield both you and your brother? I really don't know; I'm talking out my ear. Typical male; trying to solve all the problems.

It does sound like the housing support is the best option, if you can manage it.

Sounds like your friend went though a lot, I hope she's doing better now. Also good on you and her friends for helping her out so much, it's really nice of you!

The one friend-step removed thing sounds a lot easier than going from one house to another so I could try something like that if things do get really bad. For now though I'm going to see if I make any progress with housing support, and hopefully find ways to avoid my dad this weekend when he's back home.

Thank you for all of your advice though, I really do appreciate it

 

[Hopeless_soul]

I'm sorry you are going through that hell. One of the reasons for my mental issues to get worse was my father. It's very difficult to avoid family sometimes, especially in the situation you are in. I truly wish you find a way of escaping such a horrible environment. It's not impossible. Sending you loads of strength from here.

 

[TiredHorse]

Sounds like your friend went though a lot, I hope she's doing better now. Also good on you and her friends for helping her out so much, it's really nice of you!

The one friend-step removed thing sounds a lot easier than going from one house to another so I could try something like that if things do get really bad. For now though I'm going to see if I make any progress with housing support, and hopefully find ways to avoid my dad this weekend when he's back home.

Thank you for all of your advice though, I really do appreciate it

It has been years --almost decades-- since I helped with that escape, but the last I heard "J" was doing much better.

It sounds like you have a plan to work from, and don't need my oar in the water any more. I would only emphasize here at the end that you take whatever means you need to remain clear of your father. He sounds like the crux of the problem. Beyond that, @Hopeless_soul says it very well:

I'm sorry you are going through that hell. One of the reasons for my mental issues to get worse was my father. It's very difficult to avoid family sometimes, especially in the situation you are in. I truly wish you find a way of escaping such a horrible environment. It's not impossible. Sending you loads of strength from here.

I have my fingers crossed for you. Strength and courage.