It feels somewhat surreal, since I feel I shouldn't even be alive right now. It would have worked, had my helium tank not been basically empty, as it turned out to be. I think I'm aware of why this happened, looking back, but it's too late now. I screamed in anguish, the loudest I've ever screamed in my life, after I failed, and long story short I'm back home, my parents know about it all, I'm involved with support services and such, and I have a lot less freedom than I used to. I only attempted yesterday morning, and I'm not allowed to shut my door now. I think I won't be allowed out on my own, either. I don't know when I'm next gonna be able to make a proper attempt. Being alive is like torture for me, and very little can change that, so I just want to leave. Police were involved a bit too.
My life was supposed to end. Kind of like Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump I guess haha. I wasn't supposed to survive. I don't know what to do with myself now. My life has changed forever, since the cat's out of the bag that I'm not mentally okay, something which I've hidden for a very long time.
I wish my life wasn't such hell. I suffer so badly. And it's hard making an attempt. Natural fear really gets in the way. Personally, right as I was doing it, I felt a lot of adrenaline and I was telling myself to calm down, and then yeah it just didn't work, although I did start to feel as though I was going unconscious.
God fucking damnit. I feel so hopeless and in pain. I'll probably have to resort to hanging for next attempt, or something like that. I feel weird, like I'm not as alive anymore. Something has dimmed in me. Perhaps I'm just less performative now, more openly apathetic. I don't care if it's known that I'm struggling. I really don't. I'm so defeated by this.
My life was supposed to end. Kind of like Lieutenant Dan in Forrest Gump I guess haha. I wasn't supposed to survive. I don't know what to do with myself now. My life has changed forever, since the cat's out of the bag that I'm not mentally okay, something which I've hidden for a very long time.
I wish my life wasn't such hell. I suffer so badly. And it's hard making an attempt. Natural fear really gets in the way. Personally, right as I was doing it, I felt a lot of adrenaline and I was telling myself to calm down, and then yeah it just didn't work, although I did start to feel as though I was going unconscious.
God fucking damnit. I feel so hopeless and in pain. I'll probably have to resort to hanging for next attempt, or something like that. I feel weird, like I'm not as alive anymore. Something has dimmed in me. Perhaps I'm just less performative now, more openly apathetic. I don't care if it's known that I'm struggling. I really don't. I'm so defeated by this.
