Suicidal Loser
Member
- Apr 29, 2023
- 31
Hello everyone. In this post, I would like to tell my story. I have no family, no friends, and I usually don't like talking about my personal experiences with anyone, but at this point I feel so very lonely, and I believe nobody has to go through such experiences alone, so I will share it with you all. I am sorry in advance because this is most likely going to be a very long post. I will try to keep it as short as possible, but it will probably still be a long one considering that I will be talking about 3 different suicide attempts that I have recently had, and the 4th one that I have currently planned and will go ahead with in maximum 2 months.
I am writing this from Germany, although I am from a shitty third-world country originally (will not name it because I do not want to risk getting doxxed). I have come here to Germany in 2019 because of my studies, and I was ecstatic that I was accepted into a German university, because learning the beautiful German language was my long-time dream. Which means I did not speak one word German back when I received my acceptance letter from the university, because the department I would study in was a completely English department, so it was not required to speak German. So, in my mind, I was not only going there to study, but to learn the German language, and master it, consequently internalizing the German culture and being integrated into German way of life so that I could continue my life there.
Once I arrived in Germany, I could not afford to go to a language school, because as you can imagine, it can get quite expensive, especially if you have just come from a third-world country whose currency amounts to nothing when converted into Euro. So, I had to learn the German language by myself. I have autism and social anxiety, so I did not have many friends at university. But whenever I went to places like bank, supermarket, or to get something bureaucratic done, I always spoke German in order to improve myself. Whenever people saw me struggling with speaking, and offered to speak in English so it would be easier for me, I always declined, and said, please let us continue in German. I was flabbergasted by the patience of German people wherever I went. After every exchange, they smiled and told me how good my German was. I knew they were just being kind, but this also encouraged me to keep learning the language and more importantly keep speaking it.
In the end, I have mastered the German language, and now, after 4 years, I can communicate in German in every single situation without needing to switch to English, and to the extent that when I see people who do not speak German outside (for example in the train when announcements are made), they come to me sometimes and ask questions like what the announcement was about (I guess because I do not look like German), so I translate what was said to them. To summarize it, I feel like German, and I have integrated myself into the life in Germany perfectly to the point that I help non-Germans myself when they require help. During my stay in Germany, I also read das Grundgesetz (the constitution of Germany) because I believe that in order to get to know a country you live in and especially if you aim to get permanently integrated into that country, the constitution is an essential document to read, understand and internalize. In other words, I possess a very good knowledge of the legal and social system and living conditions in Germany.
As you can imagine by now, I love Germany so much that I would like to stay here and continue my life here. Furthermore, I would rather die than having to go back to my own shitty country (because of personal, cultural and political reasons), and also I would rather die than having to leave Germany, which I feel like it is my own country at this point. I feel more German than the country I was (forced to) born in, because Germany offered me more in 4 years than my country did in over 25. I also identify better with the culture, religion and the way of life in Germany. During my stay, I also denounced my original religion Islam and converted into Christianity. I do not want to go into detail here because otherwise it will be a very long post, which it probably still will be despite not going into detail, but I mentioned it because it will be relevant to how I feel towards Germany and the German way of life as a whole.
Now comes the problematic part: Despite being greatly integrated into German way of life and identifying myself as one with the German people, I am not allowed to stay here.
After completing my studies at my university, I struggled immensely to be able to find a job, because the department I studied in is a very specific one, which does not offer many positions. I either could stay at my university and teach, or I could find a job at one of the few places which offer positions for the people who completed my department. Staying at the university is not an option anymore, because I had a very big problem with one of the students. To summarize it: Because of my autism, I did not realize that I bothered her to the extent that she felt the need to sue me for stalking. I was devastated, because we were very good friends, and she was actually my only friend. I do not know why she did not just let me know that I was bothering her, instead of suing me directly. So, everyone in our department knew about this, and I was so ashamed that I could not continue going to my university. Thankfully, this happened shortly after I successfully completed my studies. But, I feel very scared to go there again. This event also caused me to attempt suicide for the first time. Because I was disgusted with myself and the thought that I am a stalker and I am regarded that way by other people made me hate myself to the degree that I wanted to die. I also started developing strong misogynistic views after this experience. Thanks to my psychotherapist with whom I met shortly after my first suicide attempt and who was also a woman, these misogynistic views of mine were dispersed before they could take a hold of me. I will always be grateful to my psychotherapist for pulling me away from a very dark path.
I underwent a long therapy, and in the end, I reached the point that I was able to look for jobs. But during this therapy, I lost a lot of time, meaning the time of expiration of my residence permit neared, so I did not have much time. I had to now look and apply for every single job I could find, and I thought that once I do find a job, and have a contract, and extend my residence permit, I can quit my job if necessary, and I can look for a job in my own area without having to worry about getting deported, because I would have more time with my extended residence permit.
Long story short, I found a job shortly before my residence permit expired. I was so happy, I was ecstatic. My dream was fulfilled. I could stay in Germany... or so I thought.
My employer told me during the signing of the contract that they can only offer me a contract that would expire on the same day my residence permit would expire. So, a very short contract. I asked to be sure that if this was the only way, because the only reason I want to work to be able to stay in Germany. I do not care to get paid for a few months, but rather, I would like to be able to extend my residence permit, and maybe for this I would need a longer contract. They said "yes, with this contract you can extend your residence permit. We have talked with our lawyers, and we are not allowed to offer a longer contract than your residence permit. The Foreigner's Office will have to extend your residence permit".
So, I signed the contract, and started working, and have gotten an appointment from the Foreigner's Office. I am not going to mention here how difficult it is to not only receive an appointment from Die Ausländerbehörde (Foreigner's Office in Germany), but to also keep your nerves and self-esteem in the face of unfriendly, arrogant workers there who openly show you at every single opportunity that they do not want you in Germany. German members here will most likely know what I'm talking about, especially if they needed to help someone during a visit to Die Ausländerbehörde. I had to pay this visit so many times on my own since 2019 in order to extend my residence permit, and everytime I went there, I was always so nervous, anxious and depressed. I just wanted it to be over with as quickly as possible.
I still went there in a very happy mood full of hope. This mood changed in a very short time, and this time not only because of the way I was treated by the people who worked there. The employee lady told me that with the contract I could not extend my residence permit, because the contract has to be longer than my residence permit. This was exactly what I feared before signing my contract, but since my employer was very confident that it would work, I trusted her. I told this to the employee in the Foreigner's Office. She said that my employer was wrong, and my contract has to be longer than the residence permit, otherwise she can not extend my residence permit and I can not stay in Germany. I was devastated and I did not really have the strength to talk to the lady after this. My anxiety attack kicked in and I started nodding at everything she said because I was determined to commit suicide once I was out. She gave me what we call Fiktionsbescheinigung here in Germany (delay of deportation). Basically, she said I have now 6 months until I figure this problem out (This was in January, so she gave me time until July). Otherwise, I would be deported.
As I said, I had entered the building in a hopeful mood. I now went outside in a very opposite way compared to how I came inside: Empty, bereft of any and all emotion except anxiety and fear. In my eyes, my life had just ended, because as I said, I would rather die in Germany than to "live" in my own hellhole of a country, where I am offered no future, hope, or an honorable life. I had no idea what to do. So, I thought maybe I could call my employer, and told her what happened, which I did. I asked if she could extend my contract, so that I could obtain my residence permit. She answered in a negative way, and told me that a longer contract is not possible because I do not have a longer residence permit. I was very confused. I told her the reason I do not have it is because I do not have a longer contract. She did not want to hear it. She said, it is not up to her, and she was informed by her lawyers that she can not offer me a longer contract than my residence permit. I called the Foreigner's Office and told them what my employer told me. The lady there said my employer was wrong once again. She said she can not extend my residence permit because I do not have a longer contract.
I was trapped. One authority told me one thing, the other told me the exact opposite. So, I could not achieve any progress. My anxiety kicked in once again, and I attempted my second suicide. This time it was more serious, and I had to stay in the IC for a longer period of time. I also had to get treated in psychiatric facility longer, too. During this time, since I have already lost everything, I decided to talk openly to my employer. I told her what happened (minus the suicide attempt part), and I told her in this position, I would be unable to work, because I could not focus on my work due to this problem, and told her that she should either fire me, or give me a longer contract, so I could stay in Germany and work longer. I was expecting to get fired, but she was very understanding. She apologized and said she was very sorry to hear my experience. She said she would talk with the lawyers and would offer me a longer contract. In the end, I have received my contract, and this time I was happy once again. I said, this time I will succeed. I was full of hope again, because I could stay in Germany and have a future in the country I identify a citizen of... or so I thought.
This time the Foreigner's Office refused to extend my contract because they told me that I work as a Leiharbeitnehmer (subcontractor), and if I wanted to stay, I needed to quit my job, go through the stress of searching for jobs all over again (and getting rejected by many employers in the process), and find a job that would not be a Leiharbeit. I stopped listening, got up in the middle of the employee's speech, turned around, and left silently. I remember her looking at me in a very surprised and calling out to me in a concerned way. I ignored her and left the Foreigner's Office with very slow steps, my head looking down.
After this, having experienced so many times being hopeful and then that hope mercilessly being taken away from me, I just gave up completely. I have attempted suicide for the third time, this time in an even harder way, which would succeed, but I was found once again by the people earlier than I hoped, and to my surprise, the reason for this was the employee at the Foreigner's Office. She was concerned from the way I looked and the way I just left in the middle of my appointment, and she suspected that I might have done something to myself, and she called the police to be sure. So, they found me and I survived once again, not before I hurt myself considerably, and had to be treated for some time once again, both in IC and in the psychiatric facility.
This time I just do not care about anything. I do not care about my treatment, I do not care about my health. I have time until July, but I have no strength to search for a job again. My plan now is just to enjoy my stay here in Germany until I have no money left, preferably until my Fiktionsbescheinigung expires, but maybe earlier too, depending how much I spend. Then, I will end it. I have overcome my fear of death. This time, I will make sure that nobody finds me, and that I die here in Germany, where I came to love as my own country. And maybe they will allow me (my body) to stay here. I will also write in my will that although they did not allow me to stay in life, I want my body to be allowed to stay here at least after my death.
I decided to wait until my Fiktionsbescheinigung expires, because there are a lot of places in Germany that I want to see, and places I did not have the chance to see during my stay, since my student ticket only covered the state I studied in. I want to see cities that are far away from the city and state I live in.
The only people I can talk to is the doctors and the employees at the psychiatric facility I stayed in. The entire hospital knows me because I had multiple suicide attempts and stayed in different clinics in the facility after each of my suicide attempts, so I got to know almost every doctor and employee there. Even the workers at the reception of the psychiatric facility recognize me immediately as soon as I set foot inside and they know I will talk about suicidal thoughts before I open my mouth. But they can not help me. The only thing they want to do is make me "change the way I think", which means accepting that I will have to leave Germany and will go back to my shitty third-world country, where nobody awaits me, where I have no family, no home and where I have nothing but remnants of bad memories, such as the death of my baby sister. I don't understand why they feel like they know the way to "help" me.
I have already devised my final plan, and bought the ticket to the city where I will do it and also booked the hotel I will stay in, too.
It breaks my heart that I am not accepted here although I have given my best to fully integrate myself, and succeeded in doing so. I have no criminal record, or committed even a minor offense. It just is not fair that I am not allowed to stay here only because of the place I was born in (If I was born in a EU country, I would not have to get a residence permit, and could stay however long I wanted). I can not accept that I am not allowed to live the way I want to live. I refuse to live if I can not pursue my dreams.
I am sorry for the long post, I will end it here, before it gets any longer.
Thank you all for reading. I will most likely do a final post before my attempt.
Falls es deutsche Mitglieder gibt, die dies lesen, möchte ich euch auf Deutsch danken. Ich konnte mir meinen Geburtsort nicht aussuchen, aber ich kann mir aussuchen, wo ich sterbe, und ich will als Deutscher sterben.
Liebe Grüße.
I am writing this from Germany, although I am from a shitty third-world country originally (will not name it because I do not want to risk getting doxxed). I have come here to Germany in 2019 because of my studies, and I was ecstatic that I was accepted into a German university, because learning the beautiful German language was my long-time dream. Which means I did not speak one word German back when I received my acceptance letter from the university, because the department I would study in was a completely English department, so it was not required to speak German. So, in my mind, I was not only going there to study, but to learn the German language, and master it, consequently internalizing the German culture and being integrated into German way of life so that I could continue my life there.
Once I arrived in Germany, I could not afford to go to a language school, because as you can imagine, it can get quite expensive, especially if you have just come from a third-world country whose currency amounts to nothing when converted into Euro. So, I had to learn the German language by myself. I have autism and social anxiety, so I did not have many friends at university. But whenever I went to places like bank, supermarket, or to get something bureaucratic done, I always spoke German in order to improve myself. Whenever people saw me struggling with speaking, and offered to speak in English so it would be easier for me, I always declined, and said, please let us continue in German. I was flabbergasted by the patience of German people wherever I went. After every exchange, they smiled and told me how good my German was. I knew they were just being kind, but this also encouraged me to keep learning the language and more importantly keep speaking it.
In the end, I have mastered the German language, and now, after 4 years, I can communicate in German in every single situation without needing to switch to English, and to the extent that when I see people who do not speak German outside (for example in the train when announcements are made), they come to me sometimes and ask questions like what the announcement was about (I guess because I do not look like German), so I translate what was said to them. To summarize it, I feel like German, and I have integrated myself into the life in Germany perfectly to the point that I help non-Germans myself when they require help. During my stay in Germany, I also read das Grundgesetz (the constitution of Germany) because I believe that in order to get to know a country you live in and especially if you aim to get permanently integrated into that country, the constitution is an essential document to read, understand and internalize. In other words, I possess a very good knowledge of the legal and social system and living conditions in Germany.
As you can imagine by now, I love Germany so much that I would like to stay here and continue my life here. Furthermore, I would rather die than having to go back to my own shitty country (because of personal, cultural and political reasons), and also I would rather die than having to leave Germany, which I feel like it is my own country at this point. I feel more German than the country I was (forced to) born in, because Germany offered me more in 4 years than my country did in over 25. I also identify better with the culture, religion and the way of life in Germany. During my stay, I also denounced my original religion Islam and converted into Christianity. I do not want to go into detail here because otherwise it will be a very long post, which it probably still will be despite not going into detail, but I mentioned it because it will be relevant to how I feel towards Germany and the German way of life as a whole.
Now comes the problematic part: Despite being greatly integrated into German way of life and identifying myself as one with the German people, I am not allowed to stay here.
After completing my studies at my university, I struggled immensely to be able to find a job, because the department I studied in is a very specific one, which does not offer many positions. I either could stay at my university and teach, or I could find a job at one of the few places which offer positions for the people who completed my department. Staying at the university is not an option anymore, because I had a very big problem with one of the students. To summarize it: Because of my autism, I did not realize that I bothered her to the extent that she felt the need to sue me for stalking. I was devastated, because we were very good friends, and she was actually my only friend. I do not know why she did not just let me know that I was bothering her, instead of suing me directly. So, everyone in our department knew about this, and I was so ashamed that I could not continue going to my university. Thankfully, this happened shortly after I successfully completed my studies. But, I feel very scared to go there again. This event also caused me to attempt suicide for the first time. Because I was disgusted with myself and the thought that I am a stalker and I am regarded that way by other people made me hate myself to the degree that I wanted to die. I also started developing strong misogynistic views after this experience. Thanks to my psychotherapist with whom I met shortly after my first suicide attempt and who was also a woman, these misogynistic views of mine were dispersed before they could take a hold of me. I will always be grateful to my psychotherapist for pulling me away from a very dark path.
I underwent a long therapy, and in the end, I reached the point that I was able to look for jobs. But during this therapy, I lost a lot of time, meaning the time of expiration of my residence permit neared, so I did not have much time. I had to now look and apply for every single job I could find, and I thought that once I do find a job, and have a contract, and extend my residence permit, I can quit my job if necessary, and I can look for a job in my own area without having to worry about getting deported, because I would have more time with my extended residence permit.
Long story short, I found a job shortly before my residence permit expired. I was so happy, I was ecstatic. My dream was fulfilled. I could stay in Germany... or so I thought.
My employer told me during the signing of the contract that they can only offer me a contract that would expire on the same day my residence permit would expire. So, a very short contract. I asked to be sure that if this was the only way, because the only reason I want to work to be able to stay in Germany. I do not care to get paid for a few months, but rather, I would like to be able to extend my residence permit, and maybe for this I would need a longer contract. They said "yes, with this contract you can extend your residence permit. We have talked with our lawyers, and we are not allowed to offer a longer contract than your residence permit. The Foreigner's Office will have to extend your residence permit".
So, I signed the contract, and started working, and have gotten an appointment from the Foreigner's Office. I am not going to mention here how difficult it is to not only receive an appointment from Die Ausländerbehörde (Foreigner's Office in Germany), but to also keep your nerves and self-esteem in the face of unfriendly, arrogant workers there who openly show you at every single opportunity that they do not want you in Germany. German members here will most likely know what I'm talking about, especially if they needed to help someone during a visit to Die Ausländerbehörde. I had to pay this visit so many times on my own since 2019 in order to extend my residence permit, and everytime I went there, I was always so nervous, anxious and depressed. I just wanted it to be over with as quickly as possible.
I still went there in a very happy mood full of hope. This mood changed in a very short time, and this time not only because of the way I was treated by the people who worked there. The employee lady told me that with the contract I could not extend my residence permit, because the contract has to be longer than my residence permit. This was exactly what I feared before signing my contract, but since my employer was very confident that it would work, I trusted her. I told this to the employee in the Foreigner's Office. She said that my employer was wrong, and my contract has to be longer than the residence permit, otherwise she can not extend my residence permit and I can not stay in Germany. I was devastated and I did not really have the strength to talk to the lady after this. My anxiety attack kicked in and I started nodding at everything she said because I was determined to commit suicide once I was out. She gave me what we call Fiktionsbescheinigung here in Germany (delay of deportation). Basically, she said I have now 6 months until I figure this problem out (This was in January, so she gave me time until July). Otherwise, I would be deported.
As I said, I had entered the building in a hopeful mood. I now went outside in a very opposite way compared to how I came inside: Empty, bereft of any and all emotion except anxiety and fear. In my eyes, my life had just ended, because as I said, I would rather die in Germany than to "live" in my own hellhole of a country, where I am offered no future, hope, or an honorable life. I had no idea what to do. So, I thought maybe I could call my employer, and told her what happened, which I did. I asked if she could extend my contract, so that I could obtain my residence permit. She answered in a negative way, and told me that a longer contract is not possible because I do not have a longer residence permit. I was very confused. I told her the reason I do not have it is because I do not have a longer contract. She did not want to hear it. She said, it is not up to her, and she was informed by her lawyers that she can not offer me a longer contract than my residence permit. I called the Foreigner's Office and told them what my employer told me. The lady there said my employer was wrong once again. She said she can not extend my residence permit because I do not have a longer contract.
I was trapped. One authority told me one thing, the other told me the exact opposite. So, I could not achieve any progress. My anxiety kicked in once again, and I attempted my second suicide. This time it was more serious, and I had to stay in the IC for a longer period of time. I also had to get treated in psychiatric facility longer, too. During this time, since I have already lost everything, I decided to talk openly to my employer. I told her what happened (minus the suicide attempt part), and I told her in this position, I would be unable to work, because I could not focus on my work due to this problem, and told her that she should either fire me, or give me a longer contract, so I could stay in Germany and work longer. I was expecting to get fired, but she was very understanding. She apologized and said she was very sorry to hear my experience. She said she would talk with the lawyers and would offer me a longer contract. In the end, I have received my contract, and this time I was happy once again. I said, this time I will succeed. I was full of hope again, because I could stay in Germany and have a future in the country I identify a citizen of... or so I thought.
This time the Foreigner's Office refused to extend my contract because they told me that I work as a Leiharbeitnehmer (subcontractor), and if I wanted to stay, I needed to quit my job, go through the stress of searching for jobs all over again (and getting rejected by many employers in the process), and find a job that would not be a Leiharbeit. I stopped listening, got up in the middle of the employee's speech, turned around, and left silently. I remember her looking at me in a very surprised and calling out to me in a concerned way. I ignored her and left the Foreigner's Office with very slow steps, my head looking down.
After this, having experienced so many times being hopeful and then that hope mercilessly being taken away from me, I just gave up completely. I have attempted suicide for the third time, this time in an even harder way, which would succeed, but I was found once again by the people earlier than I hoped, and to my surprise, the reason for this was the employee at the Foreigner's Office. She was concerned from the way I looked and the way I just left in the middle of my appointment, and she suspected that I might have done something to myself, and she called the police to be sure. So, they found me and I survived once again, not before I hurt myself considerably, and had to be treated for some time once again, both in IC and in the psychiatric facility.
This time I just do not care about anything. I do not care about my treatment, I do not care about my health. I have time until July, but I have no strength to search for a job again. My plan now is just to enjoy my stay here in Germany until I have no money left, preferably until my Fiktionsbescheinigung expires, but maybe earlier too, depending how much I spend. Then, I will end it. I have overcome my fear of death. This time, I will make sure that nobody finds me, and that I die here in Germany, where I came to love as my own country. And maybe they will allow me (my body) to stay here. I will also write in my will that although they did not allow me to stay in life, I want my body to be allowed to stay here at least after my death.
I decided to wait until my Fiktionsbescheinigung expires, because there are a lot of places in Germany that I want to see, and places I did not have the chance to see during my stay, since my student ticket only covered the state I studied in. I want to see cities that are far away from the city and state I live in.
The only people I can talk to is the doctors and the employees at the psychiatric facility I stayed in. The entire hospital knows me because I had multiple suicide attempts and stayed in different clinics in the facility after each of my suicide attempts, so I got to know almost every doctor and employee there. Even the workers at the reception of the psychiatric facility recognize me immediately as soon as I set foot inside and they know I will talk about suicidal thoughts before I open my mouth. But they can not help me. The only thing they want to do is make me "change the way I think", which means accepting that I will have to leave Germany and will go back to my shitty third-world country, where nobody awaits me, where I have no family, no home and where I have nothing but remnants of bad memories, such as the death of my baby sister. I don't understand why they feel like they know the way to "help" me.
I have already devised my final plan, and bought the ticket to the city where I will do it and also booked the hotel I will stay in, too.
It breaks my heart that I am not accepted here although I have given my best to fully integrate myself, and succeeded in doing so. I have no criminal record, or committed even a minor offense. It just is not fair that I am not allowed to stay here only because of the place I was born in (If I was born in a EU country, I would not have to get a residence permit, and could stay however long I wanted). I can not accept that I am not allowed to live the way I want to live. I refuse to live if I can not pursue my dreams.
I am sorry for the long post, I will end it here, before it gets any longer.
Thank you all for reading. I will most likely do a final post before my attempt.
Falls es deutsche Mitglieder gibt, die dies lesen, möchte ich euch auf Deutsch danken. Ich konnte mir meinen Geburtsort nicht aussuchen, aber ich kann mir aussuchen, wo ich sterbe, und ich will als Deutscher sterben.
Liebe Grüße.
