Discussion Sum up your life story!

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Bloody hell, you're either filled with self hatred, desperate, or completely insane.
Not only is this method painful and messy, there also appears to be a high risk of failure with terrible aftermath.
I do, however, believe that you have given this a lot of thought and might have valid reasons to chose this method, because no one in their right mind would resort to this as a first means of ending their life.

Could you be more specific in regards to how it has a high risk of failure? From what I've read it would be very lethal (without medical attention), relatively quick (1-4 minutes) and the pain would subside along with the blood loss. I'm not dead-set () on this method, I have 10mm static climbing line and a ratchet strap (a very shitty one) as well. My first method was full suspension but after not being able to black out with my rope (pulling, partial) the risk of just air-choking to death for four minutes isn't very appealing, I also don't have a private anchor point (for either full or partial). Long drop feels super risky since I'd have to do it on a bridge and am not confident in my knots and stuff.

The actual good methods (SN, N, inert, gun, 100m) are annoying to get my hands on, I live in mom's basement (no income) and I just don't have a lot of willpower or motivation to spare.

 

[TheAmazingCriswell]

Could you be more specific in regards to how it has a high risk of failure? From what I've read it would be very lethal (without medical attention), relatively quick (1-4 minutes) and the pain would subside along with the blood loss. I'm not dead-set () on this method, I have 10mm static climbing line and a ratchet strap (a very shitty one) as well. My first method was full suspension but after not being able to black out with my rope (pulling, partial) the risk of just air-choking to death for four minutes isn't very appealing, I also don't have a private anchor point (for either full or partial). Long drop feels super risky since I'd have to do it on a bridge and am not confident in my knots and stuff.

The actual good methods (SN, N, inert, gun, 100m) are annoying to get my hands on, I live in mom's basement (no income) and I just don't have a lot of willpower or motivation to spare.

I am not an expert on these matters, but I imagine that if you don't get it right on the first thrush, you'll have a very hard time placing a second one.
The risk of missing would most likely be increased by getting yourself drunk beforehand, but if you don't drink, I find it very hard to believe that anyone would muster the courage necessary for such a violent act against the self.
I'm sure you're better informed regarding these matters, so please correct me if I'm wrong.
On a side note, and I know that no one likes to hear that, it would greatly traumatise whoever finds you.
I've always thought of drowning myself in a very specific way, but I presume there isn't any deep enough body of water near your place, otherwise you would have thought of this yourself.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I am not an expert on these matters, but I imagine that if you don't get it right on the first thrush, you'll have a very hard time placing a second one.
The risk of missing would most likely be increased by getting yourself drunk beforehand, but if you don't drink, I find it very hard to believe that anyone would muster the courage necessary for such a violent act against the self.
I'm sure you're better informed regarding these matters, so please correct me if I'm wrong.
On a side note, and I know that no one likes to hear that, it would greatly traumatise whoever finds you.
I've always thought of drowning myself in a very specific way, but I presume there isn't any deep enough body of water near your place, otherwise you would have thought of this yourself.

I've considered shallow water blackout or alcohol-induced blackout in a tub with a weighted vest, but it's too much work. Drowning while conscious would probably not be any better than the carotid slashing or trachea obstructing, tbh. I have access to water, but not anywhere private (even the tub, since mom's basement).

About the thrusting, the point of this method is to be completely locked into death. So if I can't muster up another stab I'll simple wait an hour and go again. This would be in a remote location, hopefully. I could use some OTC painkillers, too.

 

[TriggerHappy]

found this somewhere today. it seems a good description....

 

[Green Destiny]

I'll try to sum it up:
3rd and youngest of 3 children
Parents get divorced around 7
Mom suffers multiple car accidents and sustains traumatic brain injury, quite mean spirited towards the world and out of touch but assumes she knows better about every little thing
Dad lives in dusty dirty house with a landlord for 5-6 years, wasn't the happiest and got pretty mad during that time but still supportive and loving
Mom gets boyfriend, they fight more often than not, gets the cops called and children services at one point. Boyfriend is also a criminal but makes sure we didn't get involved, SWAT shows up one christmas eve. Don't see him again after that.
Dad gets his own place, helps him out a lot from living with the landlord, still very loving and supporting but is out of touch with life in my opinion sometimes
I suffer multiple head injuries growing up, basic school and learning is now borderline impossible. Math is hard, remembering is tough, still have some good school years with Special Education teachers all the way to Highschool. Probably shouldn't have graduated Highschool but somehow did anyway.
Now working dead end job which is fitting for a dead end person with no learning capabilities or skills, I'll probably injure myself severely because it's a labor intense job.
And finally because of the multiple head injuries I have a much higher chance at being diagnosed with Dementia or Alzheimer's if I somehow make it to an older age.
Oh and I have a stomach ulcer which makes eating everyday very difficult.

 

[orbroots]

both parents had tough childhoods. poverty, domestic violence, parental neglect, racism, etc. they grow up with big dreams but limited resources, rough communication skills, internalized traumas, unregulated emotions, and poor boundaries. they're overworked and underpaid - not ideal for raising a functioning nuclear family. they divorce. still, they sacrifice so much to send their kids to "good" schools. schools that operate with the same toxic social systems, expectations, and hierarchies as the rest of our cut throat society. As a kid, I remember thinking I'd grow up and enter the "real world" someday. I thought I'd have enough time and tools to prepare for that distinct transition into a civilized adulthood. but children already live in the "real world". socially awkward n anxious children are bullied for being socially awkward n anxious. poor children are bullied for being poor. children who take longer than average to learn randomly specific but relatively pointless learning material get left behind. the cycles just continues. I've gotten more pessimistic as I grew up. but I think I already knew as a child that this shit is messed up. so many people are bullied and left behind over and over again. it feels so cruel. It's overwhelming to witness all of this and to realize how complacent I am. How I also participate in this. How I enable it. I see what's happening and do absolutely nothing about it. So I might as well leave. But I'm conflicted. I mean, obviously. I'm still here. So we'll see what happens next?

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Hmmmm....physically and emotionally abused child who was despised by one parent developed severe depression and suicidal ideation before 13. Never held a decent job. Can't hold on to most relationships and simply causes problems for anyone in his life. All in all one of those mistakes that makes the world so horrible.

 

[Bedrock48]

I guess I'll go through some "highlights" and such. Warning for death, sui, depressing shit lmao

Adopted at birth, went to live with my adopted mum at three weeks old. I know little about my father and even less about my birth mum. I have one picture of her.
Things were pretty smooth sailing until about 5, friends and toys and generally a loving childhood. A huge garden to play around in and a kiddy pool for hot summer days. Then two of our 3 cats died in a short space of time, one traumatically. Loved my grandparents and they loved me, I think I was the glue holding our small family together. Then watched nana deteriorate as her time was impending, she was gradually going blind and deaf. She died when I was 7, grandpa ran with my mums inheritance. He died when I was 8. By this point I clung to my auntie even harder. Weekly visit to hers to watch Disney movies and eat tons of sweets behind my mums back! She died when I was 10. Two more cats died around this time, both traumatically.
Was a gifted kid through infant and junior school, excelling despite my (hidden) trauma. Then came senior, I started being bullied relentlessly. Mainly verbal but kids would also break my projects and tried to push my hands into the disc sander during woodworking.
Trauma caught up with me, started falling behind in class. Started shoplifting to survive at school and make some money. More or less gave up at school, even slept through some of my final exams. Flunked college and dropped out. Started to become suicidal and sooner or later attempted. Psych ward stay. Made homeless not long after returning, sofa surfing for ~3 months. Got my own supported flat, now just trying to pick up the shattered pieces of me.

At least I finally got a gaming laptop last year!

 

[brokenwaves]

this is gonna be long, idk how to shorten it as there's just too much to say. don't expect anybody to read this but if you're bored and in for a fun little trauma adventure here you go lmao

i'm from a working class family, have 6 siblings, parents divorced when i was a baby. living with mother on weekdays, visit father on weekends with my brother closest in age. mother smokes weed all day, gets crazy drunk at least once a week, physically and mentally abuses us 24/7. not to mention inviting her scum friends and family around, doing cocaine on the dinner table in the middle of the day. she would call us the most disgusting words and physically attack us when we did the slightest thing to disappoint her, terrified of her constantly that to this day i get a panic attack if i smash a plate accidentally etc. father could not care less, had no interest in even getting to know me because i was queer and evidently so even from a young age (playing with "girl" toys, quite feminine & sensitive).

i'm about 7-8 years old when she meets a man and moves us in with him and then relocates us to the countryside with no warning. they get married, and my now stepdad is the closest thing i will know to a parental figure in my life. he is not ashamed of me like my biological father, and is actually a somewhat nice person unlike mother. he kills himself when i'm like 10, i find him OD'd on the couch, and life just continues to get worse from there.

my already melancholic disposition rapidly worsens into severe depression, my existing anxiety worsens. i contemplate suicide around this time, which becomes an obsessive thought by the time i'm 12-13. around this age i'm disowned my mother because she meets another man who is a major drug dealer on the run from the police and who is living under a stolen identity (this sounds so fake and even to this day it's so fucking funny to me that i actually lived this shit). i honestly couldn't make this shit up - anyway she wants us to leave the country obviously because he wants to be elsewhere away from the police, me and my brother closest in age to me said no and that wasn't the right answer so she kicked us to the street lmfao.

my biological dad has no choice but to take us in full time, which yes i'm glad he did that because we would have been homeless otherwise but tbh probably would've been better off because he was an absolute careless asshole. i was left basically raising myself and when my father later meets another woman, he essentially abandons us too in favour of her lmao. (years later, he actually does choose her over us in a big drama and i no longer even speak to him)

i'm sexually groomed by older men online from the age 13 onward. start self harming at 14, this continues until present day. i have a mental breakdown during my final year of high school, which i manage to hide from everybody which wasn't so hard since i lived with a father who wouldn't notice me if i was sitting in the kitchen with a shotgun to my head. i start seeing a therapist around this time too but family thinks its just for talking to about my mother and all that shit.

i go to university, obsessed with fears of failing as i measure my worth by academic success. i'm having panic attacks daily at this stage, missing classes, but still manage to get great grades because i'm obsessive. anyway i try to ctb for the first time in my first year of college (age 18), another attempt a few months later, then a week after the second attempt i was r*ped by a guy, and continue to have many ctb attempts after that. i drop out in my third year because it was either that or have a complete psychotic break.

now we're several years later, after many medications/therapists/psychiatrists/diagnoses etc etc and i'm still deteriorating mentally as time progresses. i have not had a day without at the very least depression since i'm 10 years old, suicidal thoughts since at least 12. i'm exhausted, any hope i had i lost a long long time ago, and the world continues to kick me right now as i'm sleeping on a fold out bed in my sister's house, on a disability payment, and struggling to stay alive every day

 

[lanax09]

Sorry, this is pretty long but I must say that writing helped me quite a bit, thanks for the opportunity op.
Born as an only child to a loving, middle class couple in Harlow, Essex. My memories go as far back as 1 year 4 months and what I remember of life in that town was pretty much the image of a perfect life: going with my dad down a forest path and us crossing a little bridge over the river to get to a farm and then petting all the animals, going to a carnival with my dad, discovering slugs for the first time in the garden and being mesmerised and a little bit scared, playing with the neighbors' cats, playing with my stuffed toy dog who was (and still is) my best friend, sledding down a hill on my toybox lid in the ultra rare occasion that is snow in SE England, playing with my friends at nursery. just warm, happy memories. Then we moved to London, a city that I hate.
I went to 3 separate primary schools, and left each due to bullying (and one also due to sexual molestation.) When I was in year 5 (4th grade I think) I got depression and started self-harming for the first time, I didn't even know what those things were! Then one year later I was hit by suicidal thoughts. My mother didn't help, as it was certain judgemental, blame-shifting and classist traits of hers that greatly contributed to my social issues, even though she was nice for the most part. Also, around the time I was 8 or 9, my mum discovered the eleven-plus exams, which are the entrance exams for secondary schools.
Suddenly, my entire worth as a human being was reduced to how I performed in tests and how much work I did; she would always tell me what a good mother she was and how little pressure she was putting me in comparison to the other kids taking those exams, but she was only ever comparing me to the worst of the worst. She used to make up lies about how violent public schools were, and once told me how I would be "choking on my blood" if I didn't get into her top choice school, and she would say that I am the sort of person that people at public schools would want to stab and I wouldn't survive a month in a public school. Gullible, autistic me believed her on these lies and had nightmares for years coming up to the exams, while still believing I was an ungrateful child and she was a wonderful mother who only wanted the best for me. Well I got into her top school, this is the end of my problems, right? I thought. Wrong.
While this school was certainly much better in terms of being free of bullying, I didn't magically become a social butterfly, and I've struggled with feeling ignored and left out even when I had friend groups, as often my friends would do things with everyone except me but also angrily deny ever leaving me out if I confronted them. And when I was 12, my mum got pregnant with my brother and suddenly took a bitchy turn and became very much a bully, a phase which she never snapped out of. The moment I arrive home from school I dread seeing her because she sometimes flips over the tiniest things such as having my shoelaces undone and then goes off at me, calling me names such as "crazy" and "retarded" and "autistic" and saying that I have no friends and no one likes me and randomly threatening to disown me and just insulting me in general. Any time I've self-harmed or tried to seek help for suicidal thoughts, she always plays the victim and often shouts at me and says things like "how could you do this to me?" and calls my marks ugly and disgusting and says they make me look crazy and unloveable. She never accepts responsibility for her own actions and how they affect others, and will often get mad at me for telling her off if she does something to physically endanger me or my brother (such as one time almost causing my brother to choke because of her throwing used gel earplugs on the floor when he was a baby, and one time causing a heavy metal object to fall on me by putting off fixing it when one of the supports came out of the ceiling) or says something really cruel. I only remember her giving me a genuine apology once.
I fully blame my mother for my plans to ctb and will absolutely put her on my suicide note when I finally off myself.

 

[whywere]

Sorry, this is pretty long but I must say that writing helped me quite a bit, thanks for the opportunity op.
Born as an only child to a loving, middle class couple in Harlow, Essex. My memories go as far back as 1 year 4 months and what I remember of life in that town was pretty much the image of a perfect life: going with my dad down a forest path and us crossing a little bridge over the river to get to a farm and then petting all the animals, going to a carnival with my dad, discovering slugs for the first time in the garden and being mesmerised and a little bit scared, playing with the neighbors' cats, playing with my stuffed toy dog who was (and still is) my best friend, sledding down a hill on my toybox lid in the ultra rare occasion that is snow in SE England, playing with my friends at nursery. just warm, happy memories. Then we moved to London, a city that I hate.
I went to 3 separate primary schools, and left each due to bullying (and one also due to sexual molestation.) When I was in year 5 (4th grade I think) I got depression and started self-harming for the first time, I didn't even know what those things were! Then one year later I was hit by suicidal thoughts. My mother didn't help, as it was certain judgemental, blame-shifting and classist traits of hers that greatly contributed to my social issues, even though she was nice for the most part. Also, around the time I was 8 or 9, my mum discovered the eleven-plus exams, which are the entrance exams for secondary schools.
Suddenly, my entire worth as a human being was reduced to how I performed in tests and how much work I did; she would always tell me what a good mother she was and how little pressure she was putting me in comparison to the other kids taking those exams, but she was only ever comparing me to the worst of the worst. She used to make up lies about how violent public schools were, and once told me how I would be "choking on my blood" if I didn't get into her top choice school, and she would say that I am the sort of person that people at public schools would want to stab and I wouldn't survive a month in a public school. Gullible, autistic me believed her on these lies and had nightmares for years coming up to the exams, while still believing I was an ungrateful child and she was a wonderful mother who only wanted the best for me. Well I got into her top school, this is the end of my problems, right? I thought. Wrong.
While this school was certainly much better in terms of being free of bullying, I didn't magically become a social butterfly, and I've struggled with feeling ignored and left out even when I had friend groups, as often my friends would do things with everyone except me but also angrily deny ever leaving me out if I confronted them. And when I was 12, my mum got pregnant with my brother and suddenly took a bitchy turn and became very much a bully, a phase which she never snapped out of. The moment I arrive home from school I dread seeing her because she sometimes flips over the tiniest things such as having my shoelaces undone and then goes off at me, calling me names such as "crazy" and "retarded" and "autistic" and saying that I have no friends and no one likes me and randomly threatening to disown me and just insulting me in general. Any time I've self-harmed or tried to seek help for suicidal thoughts, she always plays the victim and often shouts at me and says things like "how could you do this to me?" and calls my marks ugly and disgusting and says they make me look crazy and unloveable. She never accepts responsibility for her own actions and how they affect others, and will often get mad at me for telling her off if she does something to physically endanger me or my brother (such as one time almost causing my brother to choke because of her throwing used gel earplugs on the floor when he was a baby, and one time causing a heavy metal object to fall on me by putting off fixing it when one of the supports came out of the ceiling) or says something really cruel. I only remember her giving me a genuine apology once.
I fully blame my mother for my plans to ctb and will absolutely put her on my suicide note when I finally off myself.

OMG! Your mom sounds like my "parents" were to you. My heart broke in a million pieces when I read your post. Nobody EVER deserves to be treated poorly, especially ones own mom or dad or both. I have a older brother and a younger sister and my "dad" loved my brother and my "mom" loved my sister. Since I was the middle child, my "parents", for real, called me "the mistake" to my face and in public. At 18 they kicked me out and I never heard from them again, their choice. With my background, I was in tears when I read your post and I feel, deep down, so much empathy, love and SUPPORT for you. Reading your post, I gleaned from it, that you are a very loving, caring and beautiful person who does NOT deserve the harshness being heaped on you from your mom. I am sending you lots of hugs, understanding, empathy and SUPPORT, as you are part of our global family here, and I need your loving spirit here on Sanctioned Suicide. Walter ( yep real first name and never phony)

 

[nightnightnitrite]

this is gonna be long, idk how to shorten it as there's just too much to say. don't expect anybody to read this but if you're bored and in for a fun little trauma adventure here you go lmao

i'm from a working class family, have 6 siblings, parents divorced when i was a baby. living with mother on weekdays, visit father on weekends with my brother closest in age. mother smokes weed all day, gets crazy drunk at least once a week, physically and mentally abuses us 24/7. not to mention inviting her scum friends and family around, doing cocaine on the dinner table in the middle of the day. she would call us the most disgusting words and physically attack us when we did the slightest thing to disappoint her, terrified of her constantly that to this day i get a panic attack if i smash a plate accidentally etc. father could not care less, had no interest in even getting to know me because i was queer and evidently so even from a young age (playing with "girl" toys, quite feminine & sensitive).

i'm about 7-8 years old when she meets a man and moves us in with him and then relocates us to the countryside with no warning. they get married, and my now stepdad is the closest thing i will know to a parental figure in my life. he is not ashamed of me like my biological father, and is actually a somewhat nice person unlike mother. he kills himself when i'm like 10, i find him OD'd on the couch, and life just continues to get worse from there.

my already melancholic disposition rapidly worsens into severe depression, my existing anxiety worsens. i contemplate suicide around this time, which becomes an obsessive thought by the time i'm 12-13. around this age i'm disowned my mother because she meets another man who is a major drug dealer on the run from the police and who is living under a stolen identity (this sounds so fake and even to this day it's so fucking funny to me that i actually lived this shit). i honestly couldn't make this shit up - anyway she wants us to leave the country obviously because he wants to be elsewhere away from the police, me and my brother closest in age to me said no and that wasn't the right answer so she kicked us to the street lmfao.

my biological dad has no choice but to take us in full time, which yes i'm glad he did that because we would have been homeless otherwise but tbh probably would've been better off because he was an absolute careless asshole. i was left basically raising myself and when my father later meets another woman, he essentially abandons us too in favour of her lmao. (years later, he actually does choose her over us in a big drama and i no longer even speak to him)

i'm sexually groomed by older men online from the age 13 onward. start self harming at 14, this continues until present day. i have a mental breakdown during my final year of high school, which i manage to hide from everybody which wasn't so hard since i lived with a father who wouldn't notice me if i was sitting in the kitchen with a shotgun to my head. i start seeing a therapist around this time too but family thinks its just for talking to about my mother and all that shit.

i go to university, obsessed with fears of failing as i measure my worth by academic success. i'm having panic attacks daily at this stage, missing classes, but still manage to get great grades because i'm obsessive. anyway i try to ctb for the first time in my first year of college (age 18), another attempt a few months later, then a week after the second attempt i was r*ped by a guy, and continue to have many ctb attempts after that. i drop out in my third year because it was either that or have a complete psychotic break.

now we're several years later, after many medications/therapists/psychiatrists/diagnoses etc etc and i'm still deteriorating mentally as time progresses. i have not had a day without at the very least depression since i'm 10 years old, suicidal thoughts since at least 12. i'm exhausted, any hope i had i lost a long long time ago, and the world continues to kick me right now as i'm sleeping on a fold out bed in my sister's house, on a disability payment, and struggling to stay alive every day

I find parents are usually the downfall of their children. They are so toxic and some should have never became parents. I'm sorry you went through that, your life sounds sort of like a 'hood' movie that doesn't ever seem to get better): Grooming in the LGBTQ+ community is also such a scary thing. I have a best friend who has stories with grooming from a young age similar to your experience and it upsets me to no end.

 

[lanax09]

OMG! Your mom sounds like my "parents" were to you. My heart broke in a million pieces when I read your post. Nobody EVER deserves to be treated poorly, especially ones own mom or dad or both. I have a older brother and a younger sister and my "dad" loved my brother and my "mom" loved my sister. Since I was the middle child, my "parents", for real, called me "the mistake" to my face and in public. At 18 they kicked me out and I never heard from them again, their choice. With my background, I was in tears when I read your post and I feel, deep down, so much empathy, love and SUPPORT for you. Reading your post, I gleaned from it, that you are a very loving, caring and beautiful person who does NOT deserve the harshness being heaped on you from your mom. I am sending you lots of hugs, understanding, empathy and SUPPORT, as you are part of our global family here, and I need your loving spirit here on Sanctioned Suicide. Walter ( yep real first name and never phony)

thank you so much, your kind words were really touching!