Sorry, this is pretty long but I must say that writing helped me quite a bit, thanks for the opportunity op.
Born as an only child to a loving, middle class couple in Harlow, Essex. My memories go as far back as 1 year 4 months and what I remember of life in that town was pretty much the image of a perfect life: going with my dad down a forest path and us crossing a little bridge over the river to get to a farm and then petting all the animals, going to a carnival with my dad, discovering slugs for the first time in the garden and being mesmerised and a little bit scared, playing with the neighbors' cats, playing with my stuffed toy dog who was (and still is) my best friend, sledding down a hill on my toybox lid in the ultra rare occasion that is snow in SE England, playing with my friends at nursery. just warm, happy memories. Then we moved to London, a city that I hate.
I went to 3 separate primary schools, and left each due to bullying (and one also due to sexual molestation.) When I was in year 5 (4th grade I think) I got depression and started self-harming for the first time, I didn't even know what those things were! Then one year later I was hit by suicidal thoughts. My mother didn't help, as it was certain judgemental, blame-shifting and classist traits of hers that greatly contributed to my social issues, even though she was nice for the most part. Also, around the time I was 8 or 9, my mum discovered the eleven-plus exams, which are the entrance exams for secondary schools.
Suddenly, my entire worth as a human being was reduced to how I performed in tests and how much work I did; she would always tell me what a good mother she was and how little pressure she was putting me in comparison to the other kids taking those exams, but she was only ever comparing me to the worst of the worst. She used to make up lies about how violent public schools were, and once told me how I would be "choking on my blood" if I didn't get into her top choice school, and she would say that I am the sort of person that people at public schools would want to stab and I wouldn't survive a month in a public school. Gullible, autistic me believed her on these lies and had nightmares for years coming up to the exams, while still believing I was an ungrateful child and she was a wonderful mother who only wanted the best for me. Well I got into her top school, this is the end of my problems, right? I thought. Wrong.
While this school was certainly much better in terms of being free of bullying, I didn't magically become a social butterfly, and I've struggled with feeling ignored and left out even when I had friend groups, as often my friends would do things with everyone except me but also angrily deny ever leaving me out if I confronted them. And when I was 12, my mum got pregnant with my brother and suddenly took a bitchy turn and became very much a bully, a phase which she never snapped out of. The moment I arrive home from school I dread seeing her because she sometimes flips over the tiniest things such as having my shoelaces undone and then goes off at me, calling me names such as "crazy" and "retarded" and "autistic" and saying that I have no friends and no one likes me and randomly threatening to disown me and just insulting me in general. Any time I've self-harmed or tried to seek help for suicidal thoughts, she always plays the victim and often shouts at me and says things like "how could you do this to me?" and calls my marks ugly and disgusting and says they make me look crazy and unloveable. She never accepts responsibility for her own actions and how they affect others, and will often get mad at me for telling her off if she does something to physically endanger me or my brother (such as one time almost causing my brother to choke because of her throwing used gel earplugs on the floor when he was a baby, and one time causing a heavy metal object to fall on me by putting off fixing it when one of the supports came out of the ceiling) or says something really cruel. I only remember her giving me a genuine apology once.
I fully blame my mother for my plans to ctb and will absolutely put her on my suicide note when I finally off myself.
) on this method, I have 10mm static climbing line and a ratchet strap (a very shitty one) as well. My first method was full suspension but after not being able to black out with my rope (pulling, partial) the risk of just air-choking to death for four minutes isn't very appealing, I also don't have a private anchor point (for either full or partial). Long drop feels super risky since I'd have to do it on a bridge and am not confident in my knots and stuff.
