I thought I wouldn't be coming on here anymore. 6 months have past since I've last been on and a lot has happened. My wife was pregnant 3 months the last time I was on. I thought i could leave her in the care of my older brother and his qife since they couldnt have children if i went through with things.
Time has passed and now I have a daughter that just turned 3 months old. Whenever I see her smile I feel so happy. But besides that I don't wanna keep going. I have confidence I can be a good Dad up until she around toddler age but after that there are so many questions I want to answer well for her and I want to give her a rich and meaningful life and talk to her a lot. But my self hatred has been so serious lately.
I hate that I can't think if anything to speak to anyone in person and social situations suck because everyone knows how weak and stupid i am after I open my mouth. I know that because I get so many weird looks because i get too nervous and end up saying something im not sure of or wrong.... i I quit my job to spend some some time my wife and daughter and as I can help my wife take care of my daughter.
I know people say 90% of being a father is being there but I don't know if I can keep going. Winter is coming up soon and that means more time inside which is not good for me or us. I feel so weak and I know everyone thinks the same when they look at me. Weak and dumb. I know because I think that way and it reflects on how I present myself. I tried so much self help. I tried to listen to a therapist. I tried focusing on my work, health, hobbies,helping others, to push through. But living more and more in this world I feels like it will hurt so much more. I'm just going to take care if my daughter but I'm thinking, "Is it too late to intrust her to my brother and his wife?".
I've gone through my life bending my back for others and always being known as weak. My family,wife, friends all can see it. I don't think think I would be able to take it anymore if my daughter looked at me that way even for a second. My wife looks strong presents her self well and can speak well. Everyone knows her as a capable person..all her friends, her sisters,brothers, and even her Mom put so much trust into following what she says to do and the words she says. I cant keep up with her thinking and i feel so handicapped next to her. I know its not her fault but i always feel so much more shit at life next to her. I also know she has a strong personality and has had a tough life whcih is contributed to her becoming the way she is. But at the same time i feel im the exact opposite ina bout all characteristics compared to her.
I know people say talk to your wife about these things...maybe she even knows already. It hink everyone does. But even then i know if I say the most she could do is support me but even then I know I have to grow strong and become that person she is(in a sense with the good characteristics i want) on my own. I know even if i say somehow or somewhere its going to get in her Mother, sisters, friends ears and i cant take that humiliation even if it is already appareant. I cnat see myslef actually living the life i want even with visualation.
I don't think im going to make it in life anymore. I know because of this I'm in an endless cycle..hating myself and then hating others which makes me hate myself even more and so on. I wanted to quit my job as well as a form of taking control of my life and being responsible for the actions I take and not blaming others but I keep blaming my wife in my mind. I get so angry and hurt sometimes I explode. It doesnt help that my wife and I are both sensitive and she is still recovering from having a baby. If I had to really say all the stuff that I felt that hurt me the list would go on and on so I just keep my mouth shut and hold it in until I can't. I don't want to keep going anymore..... I know people could say man up or its not about you it's about your daughter and I agree. But living just hurts so much. I'm feeling more and more like I need to escape. Please no advice just a fast way to get it done. A gun would be the best. I'm in Korea now.
Time has passed and now I have a daughter that just turned 3 months old. Whenever I see her smile I feel so happy. But besides that I don't wanna keep going. I have confidence I can be a good Dad up until she around toddler age but after that there are so many questions I want to answer well for her and I want to give her a rich and meaningful life and talk to her a lot. But my self hatred has been so serious lately.
I hate that I can't think if anything to speak to anyone in person and social situations suck because everyone knows how weak and stupid i am after I open my mouth. I know that because I get so many weird looks because i get too nervous and end up saying something im not sure of or wrong.... i I quit my job to spend some some time my wife and daughter and as I can help my wife take care of my daughter.
I know people say 90% of being a father is being there but I don't know if I can keep going. Winter is coming up soon and that means more time inside which is not good for me or us. I feel so weak and I know everyone thinks the same when they look at me. Weak and dumb. I know because I think that way and it reflects on how I present myself. I tried so much self help. I tried to listen to a therapist. I tried focusing on my work, health, hobbies,helping others, to push through. But living more and more in this world I feels like it will hurt so much more. I'm just going to take care if my daughter but I'm thinking, "Is it too late to intrust her to my brother and his wife?".
I've gone through my life bending my back for others and always being known as weak. My family,wife, friends all can see it. I don't think think I would be able to take it anymore if my daughter looked at me that way even for a second. My wife looks strong presents her self well and can speak well. Everyone knows her as a capable person..all her friends, her sisters,brothers, and even her Mom put so much trust into following what she says to do and the words she says. I cant keep up with her thinking and i feel so handicapped next to her. I know its not her fault but i always feel so much more shit at life next to her. I also know she has a strong personality and has had a tough life whcih is contributed to her becoming the way she is. But at the same time i feel im the exact opposite ina bout all characteristics compared to her.
I know people say talk to your wife about these things...maybe she even knows already. It hink everyone does. But even then i know if I say the most she could do is support me but even then I know I have to grow strong and become that person she is(in a sense with the good characteristics i want) on my own. I know even if i say somehow or somewhere its going to get in her Mother, sisters, friends ears and i cant take that humiliation even if it is already appareant. I cnat see myslef actually living the life i want even with visualation.
I don't think im going to make it in life anymore. I know because of this I'm in an endless cycle..hating myself and then hating others which makes me hate myself even more and so on. I wanted to quit my job as well as a form of taking control of my life and being responsible for the actions I take and not blaming others but I keep blaming my wife in my mind. I get so angry and hurt sometimes I explode. It doesnt help that my wife and I are both sensitive and she is still recovering from having a baby. If I had to really say all the stuff that I felt that hurt me the list would go on and on so I just keep my mouth shut and hold it in until I can't. I don't want to keep going anymore..... I know people could say man up or its not about you it's about your daughter and I agree. But living just hurts so much. I'm feeling more and more like I need to escape. Please no advice just a fast way to get it done. A gun would be the best. I'm in Korea now.
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