suicide trip to japan

[dingo2345]

I don't want to live anymore, for many years and for many reasons. Sadly I never had the strenght to properly put my thoughts together and end my suffering in a way that feels correct for me. I don't want to lose this last bit of will.

This thread is a work in progress. It's supposed to help me organise and plan my trip to Japan, where I will take my life. I'm doing this here, in the open, because I need help to figure some things out. Even if nobody posts here, I'll continue to do my planing here. I hope this is allowed.

English is not my first language, so please excuse my errors. I can't promise that I will post here regularly, because my life is very stressfull. But I'll try my best to put my ideas in here. I will also try to keep this place up to date once I actually reach japan. You can ask me anything that you wish. You're also allowed to put my thoughts into perspective if you deem it necessary, I have a thick hide.

This is how you can assist me:

1. I need places to visit in Japan, all of Japan is viable (exept most of Okinawa and the inner city of Tokyo). Also the time frame, which season is the best to few nature for example.
2. I need general advice how to travel japan, I never did this, in fact I never left germany, and I need to do simple things like laundry and eating. I also don't want to get in confilict with the law.
3. I need a way to kill myself mostly without pain, preferably in a forest, far away from people. Of course I will have to aquire the tools for that in japan. I won't be able to take them with me on a plane.

Things I will most likely not do or have an aversion towards:

1. Anything that has something to do with prostitution.
2. Anything that has something to do with hard drugs. (yeah I know, I'm so boring)

Things I already did:

1. I applied for a travel visa

To realise my goal, I'm ready to use all my life savings. Which is not a lot of money, but enough for a few weeks, maybe even months.

I begin by landing here in Kagoshima:

 

[CW36]

I don't want to live anymore, for many years and for many reasons. Sadly I never had the strenght to properly put my thoughts together and end my suffering in a way that feels correct for me. I don't want to lose this last bit of will.

This thread is a work in progress. It's supposed to help me organise and plan my trip to Japan, where I will take my life. I'm doing this here, in the open, because I need help to figure some things out. Even if nobody posts here, I'll continue to do my planing here. I hope this is allowed.

English is not my first language, so please excuse my errors. I can't promise that I will post here regularly, because my life is very stressfull. But I'll try my best to put my ideas in here. I will also try to keep this place up to date once I actually reach japan. You can ask me anything that you wish. You're also allowed to put my thoughts into perspective if you deem it necessary, I have a thick hide.

This is how you can assist me:

1. I need places to visit in Japan, all of Japan is viable (exept most of Okinawa and the inner city of Tokyo). Also the time frame, which season is the best to few nature for example.
2. I need general advice how to travel japan, I never did this, in fact I never left germany, and I need to do simple things like laundry and eating. I also don't want to get in confilict with the law.
3. I need a way to kill myself mostly without pain, preferably in a forest, far away from people. Of course I will have to aquire the tools for that in japan. I won't be able to take them with me on a plane.

Things I will most likely not do or have an aversion towards:

1. Anything that has something to do with prostitution.
2. Anything that has something to do with hard drugs. (yeah I know, I'm so boring)

Things I already did:

1. I applied for a travel visa

To realise my goal, I'm ready to use all my life savings. Which is not a lot of money, but enough for a few weeks, maybe even months.

I begin by landing here in Kagoshima:

View attachment 118533

Getting stung by a giant hornet will work! They're aggressive and they haven't learnt how to beehave!

 

[nadia225]

May I asked why you chosen this trip in particular to japan without deciding a method first? It seems rather impulsive especially because you are not sure how you would even like to exit, which I feel like is the main hurdle before anything else.

 

[John Ryder]

Damn, this is ambitious as fuck. I like it. Petty but if it's a forest I'd go for some nice little spot that gets less shine in lieu of Aokigahara, which seems like the Disneyland of suicide spots at this point, touristy and vanilla. Maybe visit and then do the deed elsewhere. Are you a bridge person? I'd definitely cross the Eshima Ohashi before I bounce.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

This might be of interest for you:

Aokigahara/Suicide Forest Megathread

Instead of having many separate threads on the same topic i decided to make one big megathread for Aokigahara Jukai ( 青木ヶ原樹海) aka The Japanese Suicide forest. Japanese and English are both allowed in this thread.

www.sanctioned-suicide.net

Japan Megathread

This thread is for topics related to Japan and Japanese culture. Anime/Manga/Movies/News/History and more.

www.sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[dingo2345]

May I asked why you chosen this trip in particular to japan without deciding a method first? It seems rather impulsive especially because you are not sure how you would even like to exit, which I feel like is the main hurdle before anything else.

I have chosen japan because I was influenced my entire life by japanese culture. I'm probably just a giant weeb, to put it bluntly.
I think the method is, in the end, just a tool for my goal. The escape and the peace. It's true however that I want it to be as painless as possible. This journey will exaust my financial means, I will have no other choice but to kill myself then, this actually helps me. It's a good plan.
It's actually not impulsive at all. I've had fantasies about this for many years now, I think at least 10 years.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I have chosen japan because I was influenced my entire life by japanese culture. I'm probably just a giant weeb, to put it bluntly.
I think the method is, in the end, just a tool for my goal. The escape and the peace. It's true however that I want it to be as painless as possible. This journey will exaust my financial means, I will have no other choice but to kill myself then, this actually helps me. It's a good plan.
It's actually not impulsive at all. I've had fantasies about this for many years now, I think at least 10 years.

It's your choice and this is fully respected from my side! But tbh if I had the money for such a trip and I could generate more of it I'd not CTB. May I ask what's your actual reason to ctb and y you think Japan is the place where you want to do it?

 

[painful existence]

I have chosen japan because I was influenced my entire life by japanese culture. I'm probably just a giant weeb, to put it bluntly.
I think the method is, in the end, just a tool for my goal. The escape and the peace. It's true however that I want it to be as painless as possible. This journey will exaust my financial means, I will have no other choice but to kill myself then, this actually helps me. It's a good plan.
It's actually not impulsive at all. I've had fantasies about this for many years now, I think at least 10 years.

You should be absolutely certain about wanting to end your life.If you are having any second thoughts then don't go there.Imagine going there, spending all your money and then not being able to do the actual thing.
Also it is not necessary that once you are broke that would force you to commit suicide.People cling to life even when they have absolutely nothing .So exhausting your financial resources is a terrible idea.
It is better to have money unspent than no money at all.The simple reason is that there is tremendous amount of suffering involved when you are broke(Trust me I know a lot about it).
Your life would only get worse .So whatever decision you want to do be careful about it.

 

[John Ryder]

Why is everyone being such a buzzkill lol. Are you sure you want to get out and explore a beautiful country before dying quietly under a shade tree? Have you thought this through man. You could just be sad in your bedroom and take sn

 

[dingo2345]

May I ask what's your actual reason to ctb and y you think Japan is the place where you want to do it?

Well I guess I should give you the answer, as it will improve my own understanding of the matter. I try to do this as truthfully as I can.

Reason:

A series of events and circumstances has led me on a path that leads to something that would equate hell, there probably is a layer of biblical hell just for me.

1. First of all, I'm somewhere on the autistic spectrum. As a child I was crying a lot and never got many friends. When I was a teen, I think 14-15 I was of course bullied for this. (by students, but even by teachers and even family members, kind of intense) As a result I withdrew from all unnecessary human contacts. This protected me. I was a very good student with good grades. Just be good at school and people will leave you alone. After I was done with school, I had no idea what to do with my future. I mean fucking ZERO idea. So I went to university because that's what you do with good grades. I completely and uterly failed university. Turns out you need to be very good at talking to people to be successful in academics. I mainly just played videogames and watched anime during that entire time. So I quit in the 5th Semester. Just like that. Felt a little bit like cutting my own arm off. But it was just too much human interaction.

For the next, 5-6 years I was pretty much a Hikikomori. Stayed in my room until my parents completely lost their nerve with me. I was kicked out (more or less, it's complicated). I had therapy for depression for about a year, which sadly didn't really help me. And needed to work so I could pay rent. I started to work a dead end job in an electronics production factory. Really stupid mind numbing work for the past years. I talked with NO ONE there. People are kind of afraid of me. I have practically no skills. I'm fucking 34 now. THIS is the extend of my autism. The complete failure to conceptualize a future.

2. Of course I'm a virgin. I never had contact with a woman. But that's not the true problem man. The true problem is that I missed out on young relationships, forming bonds for the future. That kind of thing. I don't know how old you are but if you're 34 and you know you never will get the most basic human thing you will feel as if you sleep next to a rotting corpse. It's hell. Every night, hell. Every time I see a couple, hell. Every time I see young people, hell. Imagine you are like this at 80, holy shit I don't want this.

3. I lost the virtue of youth. Balding is setting in, body doesn't feel good anymore.

4. I can't enjoy things anymore. Eating is not fun, videogames are rarely fun. Even stuff like masturbation is not fun anymore. Life is just work, cleaning, shitting and suppressing the pain. I can't cry anymore, I did so much of it as a child but it kind of broke in my head.

Why japan?:

Japan is a very strict society. I hate humans, I hate their behaviors and how they pollute things. Japan is a clean country with beautiful nature. I want to shed the last few years of my life. Just walk in forests, visit mountains. Visit beautiful castle ruins, placed in this nature. Maybe you could say that I want to clean my soul, even if it sounds weird. I want to be mentally clean when I die. Just far away from this terrible germany. A place where I don't even really understand what people say. Just until I can give a smile when I pass someone. And then I feed this soul to the japanese kami because thats what a guest should do, offer a clean soul. In feudal japan, the samurai did something similar. They fasted, meditated and cleaned themselves of the dirt of reality in preparation for the end. I can relate to that, I want this. (though I won't cut open my stomach, nobody to cut of my head you see).

There are more reasons of course, I watched too many animes and have stupid fantasies that I need to satisfy. But I won't go into this here, this wall of text is already too long.

This is the short version for my reasons.

 

[notverylucid]

I traveled to Japan once for 3 weeks, lived with a Japanese family for 2 of those weeks and spent the remainder in a hotel. Watch a couple trip to Japan informational videos, they have pretty much all the essentials. A JR Rail Pass would be a good way to travel long distance through the country, but inner city (Tokyo, Osaka, etc.) will usually require the regional suica or pasmo card you can purchase at the local stations, and even add as express transit on your phone. Additionally, you will need to purchase either pocket wifi, international roaming, or esim/physical sim if you want any data access when you land in Japan. The site Visit Japan Web is the official online service for Japan's immigration procedures, which will allow you to breeze through lines. You can send luggage from convenience stores, and to & from the airport & hotels using Yamato Transport/Kuroneko at a relatively decent price so that you don't look like a tourist hauling around luggage. There's a lot of remarkable places to visit in Japan: Nara, Osaka, Kobe, Tokyo, Sapporo, Hiroshima, and lots more of smaller towns/villages out of the way. Just make sure to have a well-planned itinerary list, and give yourself a little leeway for random exploration or just in case you get overwhelmed. Hope you have a great trip to Japan.

 

[Meditation guide]

This reminds me of a saying == something about never being able to run from yourself.
For someone who is unable to find any pleasure in anything you have a lot of faith that you will find pleasure in Japan. Yes I'm Ms. Buzzkill.

 

[John Ryder]

No matter where you go there you are is what you're thinking of, and yes, you are

 

[dingo2345]

This reminds me of a saying == something about never being able to run from yourself.
For someone who is unable to find any pleasure in anything you have a lot of faith that you will find pleasure in Japan. Yes I'm Ms. Buzzkill.

You're right, I will never get rid of my curse. Only the end will. Yet this is necessary so that I can end it in the correct state of mind, so to speak.

I traveled to Japan once for 3 weeks, lived with a Japanese family for 2 of those weeks and spent the remainder in a hotel. Watch a couple trip to Japan informational videos, they have pretty much all the essentials. A JR Rail Pass would be a good way to travel long distance through the country, but inner city (Tokyo, Osaka, etc.) will usually require the regional suica or pasmo card you can purchase at the local stations, and even add as express transit on your phone. Additionally, you will need to purchase either pocket wifi, international roaming, or esim/physical sim if you want any data access when you land in Japan. The site Visit Japan Web is the official online service for Japan's immigration procedures, which will allow you to breeze through lines. You can send luggage from convenience stores, and to & from the airport & hotels using Yamato Transport/Kuroneko at a relatively decent price so that you don't look like a tourist hauling around luggage. There's a lot of remarkable places to visit in Japan: Nara, Osaka, Kobe, Tokyo, Sapporo, Hiroshima, and lots more of smaller towns/villages out of the way. Just make sure to have a well-planned itinerary list, and give yourself a little leeway for random exploration or just in case you get overwhelmed. Hope you have a great trip to Japan.

Thank you for this great input. I will definetely look into it.

 

[nadia225]

Why is everyone being such a buzzkill lol. Are you sure you want to get out and explore a beautiful country before dying quietly under a shade tree? Have you thought this through man. You could just be sad in your bedroom and take sn

It's not that at all it just going to an extremely beautiful place without the exact plan to kill yourself and depleting all of your funds to force that option upon you seems kinda idk a buzzkill on its own because you never know what you will find there maybe something to make you stay or come to some realization of some sort, but by that time you have depleted all you funds so it can make it harder to release yourself from the world and more emotional. I just want to see if this is something that the op is actually sure they want to do not the traveling part but including the exit plan, within it because coming from another person who wants to exit too it is not just a easy decision by no means and you have to mentally prepare yourself for death. You don't want to fail if its something you absolutely want to do and you don't want to do it with heavy regrets on your mind because in those last moments you may live to regret it. Taking a life is not just some easy thing in the consciousness especially your own when you feel yourself slipping away in those last moments. Saying there cause I've been there in that exact position many times and it's terrifying and beautiful at the same time but it's not for the weak.

It's another thing seeing a beautiful place you wanted to always visit before you die and you already prepared yourself mentally that this is the end and following through it's another thing when you feel forced to do it by an outside medial entity like if my money runs out then I have no other choice. Idk that's how I see it. But if this is his dreams and the way he wants to exit then I hope he truly finds peace in that decision he chooses.

You're right, I will never get rid of my curse. Only the end will. Yet this is necessary so that I can end it in the correct state of mind, so to speak

You may feel that way now but from personal experience and from others account it worsens it, making you feel inevitably trapped which is not a great feeling at all especially when you are going to do something that is extremely terrifying in itself. Why not think about it some more so you end on a actual peaceful note instead of a frantic mind sort of things guided by the will of scarcity. It's okay to sit with yourself for a little and actually think these over to make it the best time for you especially if you are going to end your life make it worth it mentally.

 

[John Ryder]

It's not that at all...

Some good points. Also he's responded to literally everyone except the guy who was onboard from the drop, so fuck it, tear his little pipe dream to shreds, idgaf haha jk bro chase that dream

 

[nadia225]

Well I guess I should give you the answer, as it will improve my own understanding of the matter. I try to do this as truthfully as I can.

Reason:

A series of events and circumstances has led me on a path that leads to something that would equate hell, there probably is a layer of biblical hell just for me.

1. First of all, I'm somewhere on the autistic spectrum. As a child I was crying a lot and never got many friends. When I was a teen, I think 14-15 I was of course bullied for this. (by students, but even by teachers and even family members, kind of intense) As a result I withdrew from all unnecessary human contacts. This protected me. I was a very good student with good grades. Just be good at school and people will leave you alone. After I was done with school, I had no idea what to do with my future. I mean fucking ZERO idea. So I went to university because that's what you do with good grades. I completely and uterly failed university. Turns out you need to be very good at talking to people to be successful in academics. I mainly just played videogames and watched anime during that entire time. So I quit in the 5th Semester. Just like that. Felt a little bit like cutting my own arm off. But it was just too much human interaction.

For the next, 5-6 years I was pretty much a Hikikomori. Stayed in my room until my parents completely lost their nerve with me. I was kicked out (more or less, it's complicated). I had therapy for depression for about a year, which sadly didn't really help me. And needed to work so I could pay rent. I started to work a dead end job in an electronics production factory. Really stupid mind numbing work for the past years. I talked with NO ONE there. People are kind of afraid of me. I have practically no skills. I'm fucking 34 now. THIS is the extend of my autism. The complete failure to conceptualize a future.

2. Of course I'm a virgin. I never had contact with a woman. But that's not the true problem man. The true problem is that I missed out on young relationships, forming bonds for the future. That kind of thing. I don't know how old you are but if you're 34 and you know you never will get the most basic human thing you will feel as if you sleep next to a rotting corpse. It's hell. Every night, hell. Every time I see a couple, hell. Every time I see young people, hell. Imagine you are like this at 80, holy shit I don't want this.

3. I lost the virtue of youth. Balding is setting in, body doesn't feel good anymore.

4. I can't enjoy things anymore. Eating is not fun, videogames are rarely fun. Even stuff like masturbation is not fun anymore. Life is just work, cleaning, shitting and suppressing the pain. I can't cry anymore, I did so much of it as a child but it kind of broke in my head.

Why japan?:

Japan is a very strict society. I hate humans, I hate their behaviors and how they pollute things. Japan is a clean country with beautiful nature. I want to shed the last few years of my life. Just walk in forests, visit mountains. Visit beautiful castle ruins, placed in this nature. Maybe you could say that I want to clean my soul, even if it sounds weird. I want to be mentally clean when I die. Just far away from this terrible germany. A place where I don't even really understand what people say. Just until I can give a smile when I pass someone. And then I feed this soul to the japanese kami because thats what a guest should do, offer a clean soul. In feudal japan, the samurai did something similar. They fasted, meditated and cleaned themselves of the dirt of reality in preparation for the end. I can relate to that, I want this. (though I won't cut open my stomach, nobody to cut of my head you see).

There are more reasons of course, I watched too many animes and have stupid fantasies that I need to satisfy. But I won't go into this here, this wall of text is already too long.

This is the short version for my reasons.

Valid reasons but it seems like to me what is making you feel unfulfilled is trying to fit in a mold that isn't moldable for you ultimately leaving you unfulfilled internally trying all these outside escapes and vices such as television, eating, sex to fulfill the spirit of emptyniess instead of seeking inner soul fulfillment which guided you to things you actual want and need which is not guided by societal standards. For example the samurai you speak of that is exactly what they do or I.e monks. I am not saying that your pain is not validated by no means and I know being autistic doesn't help because sometimes you are put in the unknowning constantly forced to constrain and mask yourself to fit in just to fit in with the "normalcy" of the world. But what you are explaining is exactly what I see in people who grew up following all the rules, succeeding and being quote on quote successful in life by society standards (sociable, popular, money, ect) and still having a deep desire to die or feel empty or unhappy because none of that is aligning with their soul it's not actually making them content they are doing it because they fill like they need too because they don't know anything else. Thats not what life is about at all no matter how hard the bullshit is ingrained into our heads. That's is what I witness constantly. Im just saying it would very unfortunate to see you once again force death onto yourself for another worldly reason like this "if I run out of money then I have no choice" and hoping to find peace in that, because I'm telling you…it will not fulfill you. Instead how about you visit that place that you've always wanted to go experience something different, explore the uncomfortableness of it all, something new were this trip is just guided by where you want to go and what you want to make it a journey only for you create an exit plan that will actually be again peaceful for you, and not forced upon you so in those moments so can you can actually say yep experienced that before i died(ie a clear sense of mind). In which you died on your own means. Travel places that you actually find beautiful not because the internet says these places are beautiful or all tourist tend to visit there ect. And if all else fails and you idk actually find a peace of mind make a plan for that too set aside a little money and a plan for that if you want to back out. Because it's your life and there are a million possibilities don't limit yourself to just one path please or you will never see what could've been in your peripheral and is still accessible to you.

 

[dingo2345]

Ok, the pain is unbarable so I continue the work here. Once I land in Kagoshima I need to find the place where I can collect my internet router. It can be shipped to a specific address. Maybe I can send it directly to the hotel. This needs to be checked first. Once I reach the hotel I need to locate the next ferry to Yakushima. So I will spend probably just a day or two max in Kagoshima for now. I will also need to find a hotel that I can use on Yakushima Island.



I will be in Yakushima for a few days, depending how much I like it there. It's bascially a giant mountain forest. I red that the movie princess mononoke was inspired by this island, so it should be a wonderful start. Maybe the best season would be spring or the end of spring. To see nature in it's full splendor. Dying here could be very fullfilling but I need to scout the island. It could be a tourist trap and that wouldn't be very nice.

I have been thinking about my exit method for some time now. I think nitrogen suffocation could be a good choice. I can buy the nitrogen gas on amazon no problem. But how that works in japan is a different question. I doubt I can take that on the plane and carrying it around would be too much. I guess I have to buy it right before I do it in japan. Maybe there are places like hardware stores that sell them. If not, I could buy them online and let it deliver to a hotel or a postal station. This plan needs further refining.

 

[CW36]

I have been thinking about my exit method for some time now. I think nitrogen suffocation could be a good choice. I can buy the nitrogen gas on amazon no problem. But how that works in japan is a different question. I doubt I can take that on the plane and carrying it around would be too much.

Are you serious? You can't take a nitrogen tank on a plane!

 

[SVEN]

Life is but a dream
Within a dream.
And yet
And yet …

Your life is the meanest of gifts, and costs nothing to return, Dingo … pursue your dream until you burst that empty bubble. Go well.

 

[conarc]

Well I guess I should give you the answer, as it will improve my own understanding of the matter. I try to do this as truthfully as I can.

Reason:

A series of events and circumstances has led me on a path that leads to something that would equate hell, there probably is a layer of biblical hell just for me.

1. First of all, I'm somewhere on the autistic spectrum. As a child I was crying a lot and never got many friends. When I was a teen, I think 14-15 I was of course bullied for this. (by students, but even by teachers and even family members, kind of intense) As a result I withdrew from all unnecessary human contacts. This protected me. I was a very good student with good grades. Just be good at school and people will leave you alone. After I was done with school, I had no idea what to do with my future. I mean fucking ZERO idea. So I went to university because that's what you do with good grades. I completely and uterly failed university. Turns out you need to be very good at talking to people to be successful in academics. I mainly just played videogames and watched anime during that entire time. So I quit in the 5th Semester. Just like that. Felt a little bit like cutting my own arm off. But it was just too much human interaction.

For the next, 5-6 years I was pretty much a Hikikomori. Stayed in my room until my parents completely lost their nerve with me. I was kicked out (more or less, it's complicated). I had therapy for depression for about a year, which sadly didn't really help me. And needed to work so I could pay rent. I started to work a dead end job in an electronics production factory. Really stupid mind numbing work for the past years. I talked with NO ONE there. People are kind of afraid of me. I have practically no skills. I'm fucking 34 now. THIS is the extend of my autism. The complete failure to conceptualize a future.

2. Of course I'm a virgin. I never had contact with a woman. But that's not the true problem man. The true problem is that I missed out on young relationships, forming bonds for the future. That kind of thing. I don't know how old you are but if you're 34 and you know you never will get the most basic human thing you will feel as if you sleep next to a rotting corpse. It's hell. Every night, hell. Every time I see a couple, hell. Every time I see young people, hell. Imagine you are like this at 80, holy shit I don't want this.

3. I lost the virtue of youth. Balding is setting in, body doesn't feel good anymore.

4. I can't enjoy things anymore. Eating is not fun, videogames are rarely fun. Even stuff like masturbation is not fun anymore. Life is just work, cleaning, shitting and suppressing the pain. I can't cry anymore, I did so much of it as a child but it kind of broke in my head.

Why japan?:

Japan is a very strict society. I hate humans, I hate their behaviors and how they pollute things. Japan is a clean country with beautiful nature. I want to shed the last few years of my life. Just walk in forests, visit mountains. Visit beautiful castle ruins, placed in this nature. Maybe you could say that I want to clean my soul, even if it sounds weird. I want to be mentally clean when I die. Just far away from this terrible germany. A place where I don't even really understand what people say. Just until I can give a smile when I pass someone. And then I feed this soul to the japanese kami because thats what a guest should do, offer a clean soul. In feudal japan, the samurai did something similar. They fasted, meditated and cleaned themselves of the dirt of reality in preparation for the end. I can relate to that, I want this. (though I won't cut open my stomach, nobody to cut of my head you see).

There are more reasons of course, I watched too many animes and have stupid fantasies that I need to satisfy. But I won't go into this here, this wall of text is already too long.

This is the short version for my reasons.

Well I guess I should give you the answer, as it will improve my own understanding of the matter. I try to do this as truthfully as I can.

Reason:

A series of events and circumstances has led me on a path that leads to something that would equate hell, there probably is a layer of biblical hell just for me.

1. First of all, I'm somewhere on the autistic spectrum. As a child I was crying a lot and never got many friends. When I was a teen, I think 14-15 I was of course bullied for this. (by students, but even by teachers and even family members, kind of intense) As a result I withdrew from all unnecessary human contacts. This protected me. I was a very good student with good grades. Just be good at school and people will leave you alone. After I was done with school, I had no idea what to do with my future. I mean fucking ZERO idea. So I went to university because that's what you do with good grades. I completely and uterly failed university. Turns out you need to be very good at talking to people to be successful in academics. I mainly just played videogames and watched anime during that entire time. So I quit in the 5th Semester. Just like that. Felt a little bit like cutting my own arm off. But it was just too much human interaction.

For the next, 5-6 years I was pretty much a Hikikomori. Stayed in my room until my parents completely lost their nerve with me. I was kicked out (more or less, it's complicated). I had therapy for depression for about a year, which sadly didn't really help me. And needed to work so I could pay rent. I started to work a dead end job in an electronics production factory. Really stupid mind numbing work for the past years. I talked with NO ONE there. People are kind of afraid of me. I have practically no skills. I'm fucking 34 now. THIS is the extend of my autism. The complete failure to conceptualize a future.

2. Of course I'm a virgin. I never had contact with a woman. But that's not the true problem man. The true problem is that I missed out on young relationships, forming bonds for the future. That kind of thing. I don't know how old you are but if you're 34 and you know you never will get the most basic human thing you will feel as if you sleep next to a rotting corpse. It's hell. Every night, hell. Every time I see a couple, hell. Every time I see young people, hell. Imagine you are like this at 80, holy shit I don't want this.

3. I lost the virtue of youth. Balding is setting in, body doesn't feel good anymore.

4. I can't enjoy things anymore. Eating is not fun, videogames are rarely fun. Even stuff like masturbation is not fun anymore. Life is just work, cleaning, shitting and suppressing the pain. I can't cry anymore, I did so much of it as a child but it kind of broke in my head.

Why japan?:

Japan is a very strict society. I hate humans, I hate their behaviors and how they pollute things. Japan is a clean country with beautiful nature. I want to shed the last few years of my life. Just walk in forests, visit mountains. Visit beautiful castle ruins, placed in this nature. Maybe you could say that I want to clean my soul, even if it sounds weird. I want to be mentally clean when I die. Just far away from this terrible germany. A place where I don't even really understand what people say. Just until I can give a smile when I pass someone. And then I feed this soul to the japanese kami because thats what a guest should do, offer a clean soul. In feudal japan, the samurai did something similar. They fasted, meditated and cleaned themselves of the dirt of reality in preparation for the end. I can relate to that, I want this. (though I won't cut open my stomach, nobody to cut of my head you see).

There are more reasons of course, I watched too many animes and have stupid fantasies that I need to satisfy. But I won't go into this here, this wall of text is already too long.

This is the short version for my reasons.

It almost made me cry, I can truly understand you.