Suicide over loneliness

[uglyzuko]

I'd say the sole reason i'd be killing myself now is because i'm lonely, although the goalposts seem to change every couple of years. A few years back it was because I was ugly, but now it's because i'm lonely. I have no true, genuine friends. nobody talks to me. i quit my job a month ago so i seldom leave my house. I've always thought i was an introvert but i've realized i'm just shy but i need the companionship of others. i envy people with a community of friends, or even just one good best friend. i feel absolutely alone and this hasn't changed from my youth. since i was a kid i've always felt lonely, like no one really liked or cared for me. and a decade later, this problem still persists, except it's getting increasingly harder to ignore.

i'm 18, going on 19. i'm in college. i've been doing college online since the pandemic and this semester would be the first time i step on campus. i guess i come here because i'm hesitant. while i wouldn't mind dying right now, as i see there is little point to living on earth and completing your journey as a human without people to love you along the way, i still feed into that concept -- it'll get better. and loneliness and companionship is always fluctuating in people's lives. i guess my depression hasn't completely snuffed out the tiny flame of hope in me.

is it worth it to continue on in complete darkness, despair, and loneliness with the hopes of finding a community of people? or should i just give up now -- after over 10 years of loneliness, it won't get much better?

i have a rope somewhere in my house right now. maybe this is my brain's last ditch effort to gather a semblance of survival instinct and live instead of going downstairs to my garage and hanging myself.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

It's very painful and nervewracking to feel/be lonely. I relate. Perhaps in-person college will be good. What are you studying? You don't have to say if you don't want to.

 

[Worndown]

Outside of this site, is there a group with a shared interest? Online would be ok. There are other shy people out there for you to connect with. You just need to find it and explore.
I dislike crowds and any public speaking. I do that now. It took about 30 years to work through it but it was worth the time and effort. I started at about your age.
It is a big world. See what is out there before you look for a rope.

 

[Huntfish34]

I'm sorry you are going through all of this,. I've experienced the lonely / ugly feelings myself. Definitely a hard thing to go through.

Thoughts and prayers to you -

 

[uglyzuko]

Outside of this site, is there a group with a shared interest? Online would be ok. There are other shy people out there for you to connect with. You just need to find it and explore.
I dislike crowds and any public speaking. I do that now. It took about 30 years to work through it but it was worth the time and effort. I started at about your age.
It is a big world. See what is out there before you look for a rope.

the thing is, i'm not really introverted. at least, i dont think so. i have no problem speaking or talking to strangers. i wouldnt walk up to a random person and start small talk, and in a group i'm probably the quietest, but i dont think im socially awkward at all. i just seem to repel people naturally.

online friends are fun sometimes but i definitely crave the physicality of socializing with someone in real life. :( i guess beggars cant be choosers, huh?

It's very painful and nervewracking to feel/be lonely. I relate. Perhaps in-person college will be good. What are you studying? You don't have to say if you don't want to.

ironically enough, im a psych major. it's not my final major though and im considering a change. im a sophomore in college now.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I relate to how you're feeling. I'm just realizing I been lonely and traumatized. I been feeling not confident and disconnected from people for 14 years. Back then what repelled people was my acne, what repels them now is my acne, misery, loneliness, social anxiety, and alcoholic issues.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

Why did you quit your job? And what would you say is your primary barrier to connecting with others? Are you purposefully not seeking out relationships? Or is it more awkwardness, people seem to dislike you, etc.?

You're still really young, and you're about to embark on a huge life change! Just like how some people only become social when they start high schools, others change when they move away to college for the first time. That could be you! You don't know yet, try not to set yourself up for failure by anticipating that you'll continue a lonely streak before anything even happens.

Have you ever gone to therapy? Once you get to campus, you can get free or discounted sessions through your school's counselling center or graduate program. You can make a lot of progress with just therapy, but meds can be helpful to some people too.

Just gonna note that the rope will always be there, but try not to let your chances of improving slip you by. You're gonna be in a great position to change things around. I definitely wish I had gotten help and taken those risks back when I started college rather than waiting it out and wondering why my life hadn't done a complete 180° yet.

 

[FuneralCry]

Loneliness can be a painful emotion that can send us into despair. I'm sorry to hear you are suffering, I wish you well.