Discussion Suicide or living for the sake of others?

[ElTopo]

My life isn't hell on Earth, I have it better than some people, but it is a very sad and melancholic life, full of trauma, hardships, consctrictions, pain, and most of all loneliness. I don't think I'll ever be able to fall in love again, past a certain tipping point I think I've reached some kind of death of the soul from which I can't recover. I don't look forward to anything and nothing gives me peace, joy or fulfillment anymore, but I can fake pretty okay. I don't want to live this life and I pray every night that it ends, but I also don't want others to bear the weight of my suicide. So I always end up asking myself if I should shoulder it until the day I inevitably die.

 

[(in)sane]

The "others" in question are the reason I am where I am. The only reason I'm still here is cause there aren't any accessible and lethal methods & cause there's a small part in me hoping that somehow life does get better after 18 years of suffering one trauma after the other. But if I die I hope it traumatises them back even if just a little.

 

[ElTopo]

The "others" in question are the reason I am where I am. The only reason I'm still here is cause there aren't any accessible and lethal methods & cause there's a small part in me hoping that somehow life does get better after 18 years of suffering one trauma after the other. But if I die I hope it traumatises them back even if just a little.

Sometimes I feel like that too, I feel like some people deserve it, but it's not a definite feeling, I'm torn between the two extremes.

 

[2percent]

'...I think I've reached some kind of death of the soul from which I can't recover. I don't look forward to anything and nothing gives me peace, joy or fulfillment anymore, but I can fake pretty okay.':
-I've been here. Personally, I was able to fake it for 5-6 years with the help of medication. If I'd stayed on the medication I probably could have 'faked' it indefinitely, as I faded backwards into gentle darkness. But one day you may find yourself unable to fake it anymore, and the longer you've neglected yourself or denied yourself the struggle towards peace/joy/fulfilment, the more difficult it will be to come back. Though you may feel that it is impossible to recover, it will never be completely impossible. There will always be a way back. It may just be extremely, extremely, painstakingly difficult, and all the worse for being so out of practice.

' I don't want to live this life and I pray every night that it ends, but I also don't want others to bear the weight of my suicide. So I always end up asking myself if I should shoulder it until the day I inevitably die.':
-You find yourself in good company here. I think a lot of us exist in this limbo, where the forces pushing us towards, and away from, suicide have achieved a grim equilibrium. Some people seek self-destructive behaviours like racing through traffic, drugs, seeking conflict with strangers, etc., as it allows them a proximity with death that also would not be viewed as suicide if it went too far. I can't recommend such behaviours but I can definitely say I understand why they might engage with them. Otherwise, welcome to the 'shoulder it until the day I die' club! :)

To quote a great thinker:

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

So relateable. On the bad days I realize I am here because I don't want to traumatize a sibling, and no access to reliable means. If that access changes, I will go through with it. Being haunted by trauma and never ending loneliness is too much.

 

[WeepingWorm]

Yeah I get what you mean by being dead in the soul. Nothing truly excites you or makes the process worth it, but the burning feelings of pain, shame, regret and jealousy still never stop. As well as chronic physical pain.
On one hand some people may depend on you, on the other hand you don't owe them anything. I was brought up with the notion that nobody owes me shit drilled into my head. So it's fair game to say I dont owe anybody shit either.