I have been thinking a lot about my notes. I have a list of people I know I need to leave them for, who will be destroyed by me leaving and need some reassurance that I love them, and I appreciate every second of support they have given me.
However.
One of the notes I know I should leave is to my best friend.
My issue with this is that part of me feels like I don't owe her one. She knows how much I have been struggling the last few months, and while we pass tiktoks/ memes/ snaps daily - there is never really conversation anymore. She never reaches out to check in, ask to go for coffee, come down for a quick visit. It's always me who arranges things and if I don't, we don't see each other.
I don't know if I feel like I could write a letter and tell her how much I appreciate her when actually, she hasn't been there at all despite knowing I am actively suicidal.
I know some people don't deal well with it, but I have never asked her or anyone else to fix me. They can't, but I do expect some form of effort within the relationship. I don't even get the bare minimum in the friendship but I get the best friend memes and stuff all the time.
Her world falls apart, she runs to me and I'm there no questions asked.
Mine falls apart and I don't hear from her.
She isn't a bad person, and she does have a heart of gold but I don't know if I feel comfortable lying in a letter to her when she didn't really give a damn when I am here.
I know she will be devastated. And I know if I don't leave her one, that will totally mess with her head which I'd never want to do. It's the letter on my list that I am struggling with because why should I still be the one offering her reassurance after I'm gone, when she couldn't even give it to me when I am alive?
I have stopped making so much effort with her now, and the last I seen her properly was almost a month ago.
However.
One of the notes I know I should leave is to my best friend.
My issue with this is that part of me feels like I don't owe her one. She knows how much I have been struggling the last few months, and while we pass tiktoks/ memes/ snaps daily - there is never really conversation anymore. She never reaches out to check in, ask to go for coffee, come down for a quick visit. It's always me who arranges things and if I don't, we don't see each other.
I don't know if I feel like I could write a letter and tell her how much I appreciate her when actually, she hasn't been there at all despite knowing I am actively suicidal.
I know some people don't deal well with it, but I have never asked her or anyone else to fix me. They can't, but I do expect some form of effort within the relationship. I don't even get the bare minimum in the friendship but I get the best friend memes and stuff all the time.
Her world falls apart, she runs to me and I'm there no questions asked.
Mine falls apart and I don't hear from her.
She isn't a bad person, and she does have a heart of gold but I don't know if I feel comfortable lying in a letter to her when she didn't really give a damn when I am here.
I know she will be devastated. And I know if I don't leave her one, that will totally mess with her head which I'd never want to do. It's the letter on my list that I am struggling with because why should I still be the one offering her reassurance after I'm gone, when she couldn't even give it to me when I am alive?
I have stopped making so much effort with her now, and the last I seen her properly was almost a month ago.
