Story Suicide notes: from the perspective of the other side

[Doombox]

My brother killed himself. I don't yet have any details...I hope to talk to the investigator on Monday. Right now as far as I know there is no suicide note. My brother probably figured nobody cared enough. But I do. My brother had recently experienced good fortune in life, an influx of money, after being in a worrisome life situation for a long time (fyi we are adults and all live apart). I thought that finally he had a chance to be safe and happy, and it's spring, his favorite season. But he's dead and I don't know why. I can't even imagine why now of all times he couldn't take life anymore. He never seemed the type, whereas I've always been the type, which is why I have an account here. I don't think anybody would be surprised if I jumped ship. But my brother. Part of me wonders now if he had an account here.

Well I don't know if a suicide note would have helped or not. It could have hurt more if he listed reasons that perhaps I could have helped with. But if he had simply said that he'd discovered that finally having money did not improve his life and that he was miserable and saw no way out, then ok. It would still be awful but I would understand. I don't know. This is the first time I've been left behind by someone else's suicide. I can assure you that even if it seems like there's someone related to you that you have told yourself is off living their own life and not giving you a thought, the truth may be different and your suicide may very well hurt them. My family growing up was a disaster, and my parents are dead, and now my brother has killed himself.

I just wanted him to be happy and safe. I thought he was, finally. He was buying things, got a nice car. The neighbors told the cops that he was friendly and kept his lawn mowed. By all accounts this was his high water mark. So not knowing why he's dead now really adds to the pain. On the other hand, if he left a note filled with accusations then I would have to deal with that. I've seen advice here in the past on what to include and not include in suicide notes and I encourage everyone to really look into it because those left behind will have to live with whatever you do or do not provide them. And suicide is always shocking; there's no getting around that.

I know some people here will feel envious of my brother and I get that. I mean hell, I'm still here. But it's a lot more complicated than just choosing to die because the ripple effects can be worse than we realize. It's a lousy business all the way around....of course I'm not suggesting that anyone live in misery so as not to hurt others, which describes my life now. But this business of my brother just checking out out of the blue has really knocked me flat. I had no idea he was that unhappy, or why he was that unhappy now and apparently wasn't before when his life circumstances were worse. It's never going to make sense to me, and I get to just live with that.

Thanks for listening.

 

[lookingforsanctuary]

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother.
Has it changed your opinion on your own ctb?

 

[VioletNight]

I'm so sorry about your brother, I hope he's at peace now.

Thank you for posting this, I can't imagine it was easy to write up but it's a good perspective on the situation. Much love to you

 

[NoLightRemains]

Sorry to hear about your loss. I've lost a few people to suicide and the notes are nice for giving some closure, but I understand that some people just have nothing left to say. Take care

 

[Doombox]

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother.
Has it changed your opinion on your own ctb?

I see you added a question. I'm in the thick of emotions about my brother right now, so I'm not really thinking about me, but I'll give it a shot. I came very close last year to ctb. I'd amassed everything I needed and had gotten rid of a lot of stuff, even thew out all my food. Did the fast and the clock was ticking and maybe it was SI rearing its damned head but I was suddenly blindingly aware of how what I was about to do would devastate one particular person. I backed off from the metaphorical edge and have been in a confused limbo ever since, not at all sure what to do. My situation with that person is complicated. If I did not have that one situation I would have beat my brother to it. But now that I see how my brother's ctb has affected me, it's worsened my limbo. I don't know right now how I can do this to someone else.

I see that my own plans last year did not include writing notes for everyone who might be affected by my loss. I just figured, like my brother probably did, that it wouldn't be that big a deal. So I would take that into account in the future. And I see now that the purpose of a good suicide note needs to be to "make it make sense" for the recipient. And to try to not write about things they will feel they could have helped you with if they had only known. And heaven forbid, no accusations. I don't think it needs to be elaborate, maybe just, "I'm sorry, I know this will hurt you, but I honestly feel like I can't live another day. I don't think anyone could have helped me; my problems were too big." That's all I've got right now.

Sorry to hear about your loss. I've lost a few people to suicide and the notes are nice for giving some closure, but I understand that some people just have nothing left to say. Take care

You could be right, that my brother just had nothing left to say. But he was an overly chatty guy who never kept a thought to himself so the idea that he had this whole secret inner turmoil going on astonishes me. He was outward-directed: his problems were always caused by other people and he had no qualms about sharing that. I appreciate the perspective, though.

 

[Das Nichts]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. But I'm thankfull that you are sharing this perspective with the forum!

 

[Doombox]

I guess I could say more random things. I don't have much of a support system which is why I'm sitting here alone typing here to people I don't know. I had some people I notified by email and I got a range of responses. The worst was one person who wrote back, "You probably expected this to happen." Bitch please. I honestly almost fell out of my chair. Two of them wanted to argue about a detail of the story I told them about my brother. Like yes, that is what's important, a trivial detail that I did not get wrong but which you think I did. Nobody asked me how I was doing. They tell me how they think I must be doing, which is not the same thing. And none of them are writing today. It's cool; my lack of a support system is part of my life that I accept. But if anyone wants to know what not to say to someone like me, there you go. I appreciate the responses I've gotten here and I feel better for having been able to share what happened. I wasn't doing too well earlier but I'm chilling on ativan right now.

 

[lookingforsanctuary]

It's so hard isn't it, that ctb affects those we love. If it was a decision that only affected ourselves then everything would be easier, but that's not the case...

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the shock and confusion you're left with.

 

[Doombox]

It's so hard isn't it, that ctb affects those we love. If it was a decision that only affected ourselves then everything would be easier, but that's not the case...

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the shock and confusion you're left with.

You've caused me to have a new thought about how the confusion results in me having a focus on me (my confusion, my shock) rather than on my brother. Probably there's that sort of split with any death, but this particular kind, with no explanation, seems to make it worse. I feel bad that I keep going around and around in my head rather than just be able to talk about my brother and what he apparently was going through. I'm sensitive to making things "all about me" but that's all I'm left with. The brother I knew was happy. His last emails were all happy. He had interests he was pursuing. You have no idea what it takes for me to pick up the phone and talk to a policeman but I am determined to talk to the investigator to see if he can tell me anything at all that might help make sense of it.

 

[Aisley]

You've caused me to have a new thought about how the confusion results in me having a focus on me (my confusion, my shock) rather than on my brother. Probably there's that sort of split with any death, but this particular kind, with no explanation, seems to make it worse. I feel bad that I keep going around and around in my head rather than just be able to talk about my brother and what he apparently was going through. I'm sensitive to making things "all about me" but that's all I'm left with. The brother I knew was happy. His last emails were all happy. He had interests he was pursuing. You have no idea what it takes for me to pick up the phone and talk to a policeman but I am determined to talk to the investigator to see if he can tell me anything at all that might help make sense of it.

That's a good idea. It's been said that they keep notes, if there are notes. Even just knowing what he did on his last day would be something. I'm sorry, as lookingforsanctuary said, for the loss, shock and confusion. It's rough that we can't have these last conversations with each other, for fear of interference. So much resolution and understanding is lost because of it.

 

[FuneralCry]

At least your brother is now free from all future suffering, all those who are gone from this cruel world certainly are so fortunate as I believe they are all now peacefully not existing. Rest in peace.

 

[Doombox]

That's a good idea. It's been said that they keep notes, if there are notes. Even just knowing what he did on his last day would be something. I'm sorry, as lookingforsanctuary said, for the loss, shock and confusion. It's rough that we can't have these last conversations with each other, for fear of interference. So much resolution and understanding is lost because of it.

Yes, the fear of interference, and also of causing stress. I wouldn't dream of telling anyone to their face about how close I came to cbt last year. What a burden to put on them, and what a risk with a "professional" of ending up in a locked ward.

 

[freonix]

i'm so sorry for your loss, i hope you're taking care of yourself. as someone who didn't really consider leaving any notes i really appreciate you sharing your perspective

 

[SoftWorries]

For myself I wouldn't leave notes but because I don't think anyone would care but because I have nothing to say. I'm not very good at expressing myself through writing.

I'm so sorry you need to wonder what was going through his mind not to. It's made me think about leaving notes in a new way

 

[Aisley]

Yes, the fear of interference, and also of causing stress. I wouldn't dream of telling anyone to their face about how close I came to cbt last year. What a burden to put on them, and what a risk with a "professional" of ending up in a locked ward.

Yup. And I suppose some tired anticipation of people trying to invalidate. Or like, 'have you tried omega 3's?' Not that you would have done that to him, but we don't know, do we? The kinds of things people MIGHT throw at us. 'Maybe it's just a phase'. I suppose there's quite the list, actually.

 

[Sittichmutter]

My brother killed himself. I don't yet have any details...I hope to talk to the investigator on Monday. Right now as far as I know there is no suicide note. My brother probably figured nobody cared enough. But I do. My brother had recently experienced good fortune in life, an influx of money, after being in a worrisome life situation for a long time (fyi we are adults and all live apart). I thought that finally he had a chance to be safe and happy, and it's spring, his favorite season. But he's dead and I don't know why. I can't even imagine why now of all times he couldn't take life anymore. He never seemed the type, whereas I've always been the type, which is why I have an account here. I don't think anybody would be surprised if I jumped ship. But my brother. Part of me wonders now if he had an account here.

Well I don't know if a suicide note would have helped or not. It could have hurt more if he listed reasons that perhaps I could have helped with. But if he had simply said that he'd discovered that finally having money did not improve his life and that he was miserable and saw no way out, then ok. It would still be awful but I would understand. I don't know. This is the first time I've been left behind by someone else's suicide. I can assure you that even if it seems like there's someone related to you that you have told yourself is off living their own life and not giving you a thought, the truth may be different and your suicide may very well hurt them. My family growing up was a disaster, and my parents are dead, and now my brother has killed himself.

I just wanted him to be happy and safe. I thought he was, finally. He was buying things, got a nice car. The neighbors told the cops that he was friendly and kept his lawn mowed. By all accounts this was his high water mark. So not knowing why he's dead now really adds to the pain. On the other hand, if he left a note filled with accusations then I would have to deal with that. I've seen advice here in the past on what to include and not include in suicide notes and I encourage everyone to really look into it because those left behind will have to live with whatever you do or do not provide them. And suicide is always shocking; there's no getting around that.

I know some people here will feel envious of my brother and I get that. I mean hell, I'm still here. But it's a lot more complicated than just choosing to die because the ripple effects can be worse than we realize. It's a lousy business all the way around....of course I'm not suggesting that anyone live in misery so as not to hurt others, which describes my life now. But this business of my brother just checking out out of the blue has really knocked me flat. I had no idea he was that unhappy, or why he was that unhappy now and apparently wasn't before when his life circumstances were worse. It's never going to make sense to me, and I get to just live with that.

Thanks for listening.

Dear Doombox.
I am really sorry about your loss.
Your brother was probably Very depressed. What a terrible mental illness. It take away all joy and Hope to live.
About not letting a note, he was so lost and tired, that he could Just not write. It was not your fault.
If you can, Go to a good therapist. The grieving time is long and Very Sad.
I wish you all the love.

 

[Skatspielerin]

I'm really sorry for you. ♥

 

[Doombox]

Yup. And I suppose some tired anticipation of people trying to invalidate. Or like, 'have you tried omega 3's?' Not that you would have done that to him, but we don't know, do we? The kinds of things people MIGHT throw at us. 'Maybe it's just a phase'. I suppose there's quite the list, actually.

I've had cancer twice so I have already heard all the stupid things that will come out of people's mouths. I think the problem is that we have no shared culture around supporting one another in times of real crisis (in the west) and we don't teach young people how to support those in need. So when unexpectedly faced with something huge, garbage can come out of our mouths, and I include myself in that because I once (a long time ago) said something stupid to someone about a similar situation (illness) though I apologized for it.

I think suicide is so shocking and important that most average people would not know what to do or say if a friend or family member confided that they felt suicidal. Now here is where it gets a little tricky. I have concluded for myself that if I tell a non-professional about suicidal feelings then I am putting them in an impossible situation. They can't win at that point and they will feel fully responsible if I go through with it. Plus there could be legal ramifications, especially if someone is demonstrating that they are suicidal and have the means at hand.

I honestly don't know what I would have done if my brother had told me he was suicidal. What I wish is that he could have let me or someone else in on his struggles before it got to that point. What did he need that he wasn't getting? Where was his suffering coming from? I might not have been able to help him but if he then went on to ctb his struggles would be on record and I would still be sad and upset but it would be in the context of understanding. I know that sometimes life can simply be impossible.

But I understand that he didn't owe me or anyone else that understanding. My goal here was just to show what it's like to completely not understand, to not have a clue. I know this happens all the time though.

 

[CTB Dream]

Vry sry know shck ,othr see shck but this resn not hard know, many prblm in othr ppl no see out only, but even say no prblm still life prblm no slv ,exmp sm ppl say lev now bettr situ not wait aftr dtriort ,this truth lif crlty any posbl see how time move how lose etc etc see how life prblm no slv how die etc this all ppl posbl resn ctb see life wrng time move etc, hope hlp

 

[OceanBlue]

But he's dead and I don't know why.

It's never going to make sense to me, and I get to just live with that.

And heaven forbid, no accusations. I don't think it needs to be elaborate, maybe just, "I'm sorry, I know this will hurt you, but I honestly feel like I can't live another day. I don't think anyone could have helped me; my problems were too big." That's all I've got right now.

It seems you did not have a close enough relationship, he did not feel like he could tell you the truth for whatever reason. In that case, it's not an obligation to leave an explanation after death, since it's likely people still won't understand as you weren't talking for a reason.
Which is also evident in your case as you seem to prefer a generic note without accusations, something to make you feel better. It's a bit self-centered. Why should a person make this gesture to somebody they didn't trust in the first place. I will do the same.. write and not write whatever I feel like, at least in death a person should be able to prioritize their own needs.

if anyone wants to know what not to say to someone like me, there you go.

It bothers me that people will discuss my suicide in a way you're doing - on forums, in emails and they will add some twists I would never agree with. I guess it won't matter much at that point, but still... this thread bugs me somehow. It was your brother's story and you're mostly worried about your own lack of access to it. It's possible he had someone to talk about this, maybe online friends or even a similar forum. You just have to accept that you weren't close and in some way that makes it not your business, even if you were family.

 

[Letgo]

I am so sorry about your loss. I understand you have so many questions... try to take one day at a time.
Pls let us know how are you doing. We are here for you.
You and your brother are being thought of. <3
Hugs to you.

 

[Doombox]

It seems you did not have a close enough relationship, he did not feel like he could tell you the truth for whatever reason. In that case, it's not an obligation to leave an explanation after death, since it's likely people still won't understand as you weren't talking for a reason.
Which is also evident in your case as you seem to prefer a generic note without accusations, something to make you feel better. It's a bit self-centered. Why should a person make this gesture to somebody they didn't trust in the first place. I will do the same.. write and not write whatever I feel like, at least in death a person should be able to prioritize their own needs.


It bothers me that people will discuss my suicide in a way you're doing - on forums, in emails and they will add some twists I would never agree with. I guess it won't matter much at that point, but still... this thread bugs me somehow. It was your brother's story and you're mostly worried about your own lack of access to it. It's possible he had someone to talk about this, maybe online friends or even a similar forum. You just have to accept that you weren't close and in some way that makes it not your business, even if you were family.

You make a number of assumptions which I won't address. You would probably understand my perspective better if I gave a lot more details, which unfortunately I would not consider wise. You pretty much come right out and say that you're projecting your situation onto my brother. I'm glad of that because it makes it clear to me that you are not talking about me or my brother. If this brings up discomfort about your situation I encourage you to explore it in a thread of your own. I understand and respect your concerns; they just have nothing to do with me.

 

[OceanBlue]

Sorry for your loss, but someone did have access to your brother's reasons, they are just not you, make peace with it.

And the 'no accusations' bit.. really? If I were your sister, you wouldn't know either.

 

[Doombox]

Sorry for your loss, but someone did have access to your brother's reasons, they are just not you, make peace with it.

And the 'no accusations' bit.. really? If I were your sister, you wouldn't know either.

I told myself when the hate inevitably came out in this thread that I would stop participating for my own mental health. Thank you to those who wished me well.

 

[kwho]

But he was an overly chatty guy who never kept a thought to himself so the idea that he had this whole secret inner turmoil going on astonishes me. He was outward-directed: his problems were always caused by other people and he had no qualms about sharing that. I appreciate the perspective, though.

Apparently your insight into his mind wasn't as deep as you thought. Which is ok. We are deep, layered and mysterious beings, impossible to be known completely by others, hell most people don't even really know themselves.

And we also don't owe it to anyone to additionaly torture ourselves by trying to squeeze all our tormented complexity into neatly formulated "suicide notes". It is beyond comprehension. Largely even to ourselves.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh - it isn't meant to be and i feel for you.

His death wasn't about you. It is his very own private thing.

The fact that we love someone shouldn't mean that they owe us anything. And love fucking hurts, absolutely bloody always. It's just a fact we are all forced to learn sooner or later.

Take good care of yourself and i wish you all the best.

 

[juxtajuno]

i'm deeply sorry for your loss. i hope your brother is at peace now, wherever he is. i wish you well.

 

[CTB Dream]

Sorry for your loss, but someone did have access to your brother's reasons, they are just not you, make peace with it.

And the 'no accusations' bit.. really? If I were your sister, you wouldn't know either.

Vry sry rply, think op say no able emot think, this prblm read see way thnk life bro good =no ctb, cuz op think worse = ctb but bro ctb befr this make shck brain, rgrdle op say this see shck life crlty, ppl see othr think lif good bad truth any prsn posbl ctb any time. Rgrlde situ rgrlde post op opnn etc, this cnflct brain op bfr aftr bro ctb
This cntrdct

 

[Myforevercharlie]

It seems you did not have a close enough relationship, he did not feel like he could tell you the truth for whatever reason. In that case, it's not an obligation to leave an explanation after death, since it's likely people still won't understand as you weren't talking for a reason.
Which is also evident in your case as you seem to prefer a generic note without accusations, something to make you feel better. It's a bit self-centered. Why should a person make this gesture to somebody they didn't trust in the first place. I will do the same.. write and not write whatever I feel like, at least in death a person should be able to prioritize their own needs.


It bothers me that people will discuss my suicide in a way you're doing - on forums, in emails and they will add some twists I would never agree with. I guess it won't matter much at that point, but still... this thread bugs me somehow. It was your brother's story and you're mostly worried about your own lack of access to it. It's possible he had someone to talk about this, maybe online friends or even a similar forum. You just have to accept that you weren't close and in some way that makes it not your business, even if you were family.

Seriously! Do you really think this helps the OP?
You're making assumptions and accusations in a case you know nothing about.
Did ever thought about people can have multiple reasons to not leave a note? Even if they're close?


@Doombox I'm so sorry for your loss. My brother ctb as well, if you ever want or need to talk, you can always reach my through PM

 

[Kittzuni]

I'm very sorry for your loss but I really appreciate you sharing your perspective on this topic.

Also, fuck what other people say. I'm sorry your experiences with those people after his death were so awful. It's not something you should have to go through, especially after your loss.

Maybe my two cents on this topic will help you in some shape or form:
After a long back and forth I personally have decided to write a note for my two best friends and my parents. My husband however won't receive one as the things I'd say to him wouldn't be positive ones. It's heartbreaking to prepare those notes for my friends/parents. Maybe your brother went through something similar which is why he couldn't bare leaving you one. So far I only managed to write one and I still don't think it's "good enough". I don't know if I'll even manage to write the other two, as I've become more and more selfish over the last few days/weeks. I value my ctb more than the feelings of the ones I'm going to leave behind, so if writing a note for my loved ones is too painful in my final days, so be it. I won't put myself through any more torture.

I assume your brother had his reasons for not leaving you one so you shouldn't feel any resentment towards him. I'm sure he tried his best but came to the realization that it just wasn't enough.

 

[rationaltake]

Doombox your posts have really touched me and I'm so sorry for your loss.