i battle this topic every minute of every day. I'm lying here in bed with my 9 year old daughter sleeping next to me. I have an incurable, chronic, horrific illness that has stolen my whole life. I'm draining my savings, can't work, can't leave the house, can't cook, can very minimally care for my two very precious children. I'm 41. This progressive disease is not sustainable. It won't kill me, but it has dried up my eyes and salivary glands, all exocrine glands, made my legs and feet numb, infiltrated my lungs, made it nearly impossible to swallow, given me intractable body and joint pain, tinnitus, the list goes on and on. I have no moisture in my stomach to digest food. I will soon lose all of my teeth. There are no drugs to stop this, no alternative therapies proven to made a lick of difference (though I've spent 20k trying). I've seen so many doctors, talked to hundreds of patients, probably thousands of hours searching for any way to get better. There is none. I'm stuck here because I'm horrified about leaving my children. But guess what? The money will run out. My body will completely deteriorate, because I'm already bedridden 95% of the day. My children have already watched the mother they know die more and more each day. Pills everywhere. No more crafts, bike rides, trips to the park. The house will be seized. I won't be able to buy food. I chose to bring them into this world. I did not know I would get sick. I can not explain the hellish torture that is sleeping next to this perfect angel of a child that thinks her mother is the whole world. And I'm already gone, and there is a whole horror story ahead. I have a choiceless choice. Because of this, because I now see a hell I never knew existed, I can judge no one. Do I want to judge the young person with a completely healthy body that seems to want to ctb because their girlfriend left or they can't find the job they want? They are bored with life already, don't see a point? Sure, I want to judge them. But then I remember how many of you want to judge me for leaving my children behind. Knowing that I will ruin their lives, leave them scared and alone (they will be fully supported by Dad but Jesus losing a mother..). I know this. You judge me. I have no choices here. So I can judge no one. I guess the point of me going on and on about my own woes for the umpteenth time here is to make the point - you don't understand a goddamn thing about how beyond horrifying my situation is. I maybe can't understand how horrifying yours is, either. I would give anything for physical health. There are many who'd give anything for a sound mind. Mental peace. No one wants to be here, in this place. We all have that in common. I'm sorry for every single one of us. Life can be stunningly beautiful. I've seen it with my own eyes and lost it all. It's a tragedy to be here. I am so sorry for all of us.
