Suicide is not a single act, it's a process.

[RainAndSadness]

It's something I've realized recently after years of talking to suicidal people and I've noticed in myself too, suicide is not a single act. It's not one action and then, poof, it happened. For many of us, it starts weeks before, months or even years, maybe even subconsciously before you think about doing it. And I think that's something people need to realize who really care about avoiding and preventing it, it's not a clear cut. It's not, oh this person is alive now, and then they do something and now they're not alive anymore and that's when they committed suicide. It's way more complex than that. That's also not how you prevent suicide in a meaningful way, really. Like just today someone mentioned the suicide hotline again, as if having one call and one talk is enough and then you're fine again, right. I mean I've talked about this years ago already. And I'm not even talking about my personality disorder that would render this type of help useless anyway. Like, it wouldn't do anything for me. The hole I dug for myself is so deep already, and that's been a process over several years, the amount of effort and work you'd need to invest to pull out of there again would be so much work, it's just not realistic anymore. In my case, it's been a long and painful deterioration, mentally and physically, like I'm clinging to any coping mechanism I have at this point, just to stay alive, but doing that is destroying me in different ways. Like there is no way out, you could actually make the case I was in a better condition 5 years ago and all this did was prolong the inevitable. I've known people who were addicted to drugs and they were already drowinng, months before they committed suicide and I think that's probably one of the better ways to visualize that process. It might not apply to everyone out there but I feel like it's really not just that one act, it's a long process: it's self-destructing behavior, it's trying to fight against it with everything you have, it's failing, trying again, it's the planning, it's getting closure with one's decision and these are things that happen a long time before the actual act. Like realistically speaking, my suicide started many years ago, yeah I tried to bounce back but to no avail, I keep ending up in this cursed dead end and really I'm not in any different place as I was 2018, except I'm older now and maybe in a worse condition and that's it. I think we, as a society, need to get away from the idea, that a person is alive and they haven't actually committed suicide yet until a very specific act happens. Just because the process that leads to the climax is invisible, and I'll just describe it like that now, doesn't mean it's not already happening, to people around us. That's at least my perspective on it. Like yeah, I'm alive but that really means nothing, let's be honest. When it comes to my quality of life, you could as well say I died 10 years ago and that's basically where I would say it started. But again, I'm not saying it applies to everyone else, but I think it's an accurate way to describe the process of suicide for a lot of people.

Just writing it down. Cheers.

 

[Quietist]

Real shit. Thank you for your take.

 

[volo]

Slow and painful deterioration, yes, until one can't take it any more, I guess. Sometimes I even wonder, if I'll have enough left in me to do the actual act…
I don't think that the society gets the magnitude of the pain.

 

[Aknu132]

I'm sorry for your pain Rain, we are on the same boat. We are accumulating more and more pain, and no one is going to help us get out of it.

 

[AngelTear]

Thank you for saying this. I've had people say to my face that "suicide isn't hard" because xyz or that I'm faking it for talking about it so much (even though I had already attempted before) but it's such a long process to endure before you finally end up committing. My suicide has been over half my life before I even attempted and it still going on.

 

[TransientEternal]

I don't remember much, but I'm pretty sure I've been suicidal since before I hit double digits in age. The only thing time has done is reduce the delay between the thoughts and increase the desire/certainty of it. Suicidal -> Don't do my best -> Quality of life worsens -> Become more suicidal. Repeat this till now.

 

[X-sanguinate86]

An honest and truly caring society (let's be serious though, that's never existed) would help suicidals through the process, including speeding it up where possible. People with problems or who just failed to be healthy competitive players in the game of life are now wanted by the bulk of the human population. The disdain the healthy normies have for the problematic people is a compounding factor that makes it all the more impossible for the process to truly be reversed.

 

[X-sanguinate86]

Edit: People with problems or who just failed to be healthy competitive players in the game of life are NOT wanted by the bulk of the human population.

 

[iwkmsssb]

took the words right out of my mouth. it really is a long process whether it comes to the worsening of it and the time to make the decision to ctb. to others it may come out of nowhere but it brews over weeks, months and years.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I absolutely agree. I very much doubt many suicides are impulsive. In fact, it seems like the majority of people here began experiencing ideation in childhood.

For me and I imagine others- even the thoughts themselves can be a kind of journey. The first time I had a thought about suicide, I was ten. It frightened me- because I had been taught that suicide was sinful and cowardly. It actually didn't take me long at all- on having subsequent thoughts- to decide that those were other people's perspectives on it. Not mine. To me- it made sense that I would want to escape my life as it was.

So- I think even the action of giving ourselves permission to consider suicide as a feasible choice can be a kind of journey.

After that, we'll like struggle with the morality of leaving loved ones, possibly doubts as to whether we can turn our lives around. Issues with religion. Not to mention the issue of deciding on a method we feel confident/ comfortable enough with and overcoming SI.

I definitely agree though. I tend to suspect perhaps the majority of suicides are slow burn, rather than impulsive.

What I suppose I do wonder is- if more of us felt able to discuss our feelings- the first time they appeared- would that help? Getting help that early on may set us on a different path. I've lived 36 years with ideation without my parents or many of my family even realising- for definite anyway. I find that kind of weird when I think about it.

But, I don't think making suicide so tabboo or, treating it with such alarm and heavy handedness in some cases does anyone any favours.

I definitely think more could be done early on though- to prevent things becoming so bad that someone does suicide. It's really kind of uncaring in a way- that so much focus is placed on preventing the act of suicide and not preventing the depression or whatever else that lead to it.

 

[toocraptoolong]

I agree. The life parts can become just numbness and the suicidal parts just part of a long term plan.

 

[The Disqualified]

Yeah, I understand and agree.
I see suicide as something that is deeply connected to our society and politics.
In another world or time period, we may very well have lived our lives till their natural end.
I keep thinking about how environmental mental illness, and suicide for that matter, often is.
I don't get the impression that most mentally ill people are so in any fatalistic sense. It seems to me that, above all, they are exhausted by living in modern society, especially as mental health support is often lacking and not that effective.

 

[TAW122]

Another good post by RAS. This is well said and I concur with this perspective. I don't feel that my intention to suicide has really changed ever since I've planned and decided that I will do it at some point. I may have delayed and postponed for one reason or another, some factor here and there, but ultimately, suicide is an inevitability for me, with some instances being relatively close, like for once, this year, if my trip didn't go well, I may well very have just decided "well that's it" and just went on with an attempt sometime in the earlier months of 2026. Fortunately, even though things have been bearable at that time, it doesn't mean that I have just forgone the idea and intention of suicide. To me, it is always a matter of time and circumstance and my thoughts on that has not and will never really change. I don't think even in the most ideal circumstances (unrealistic of course) that I would ever just think, oh life is so good and never think about or have the option of suicide. Suicide is always and will always be an option on the table for me.

 

[flowersforalgernons]

thank you its exactly how i feel and its nice to see someone else say it

 

[CTB Dream]

V sry rainsad hpnall v sry this all pain sffr all lng yr, v sry all

ya v undrstd how, this me die longago this me f ctb, this prcs vlng vcmplct, ya this me injury damage loseall this unvrs timln wrng this no smpl, this me die longago hpn ctb this rslt, knw rslt wat, rslt awfl unvrs awfl speces awfl lif, this no psbl chng timln no psbl time travle this no psbl do any, gamv, ya this reslt this awfl all

 

[Eriktf]

I do agree but its complicated and every suicide is different

many people do ctb on impulse.
Om this forum i think 99% of the goodbye posts are people that used a long time to make the decision so we probably see an overrepresented amount of suicide that has taken months-years since those who do it impulsive probably wont sign up here.

One frend of mine had an attempt 1 year ago then he did do fine for a good while until other stuff in his life made him ctb not long ago, has the thought been there for a long time, sure, was it impulsive yes i believe so, its hard to say for sure how much the the decision was based on the stuff from the passed and the stuff that happened the same day for him.

Another guy I know had some struggles in life but I have no idea how much or little he thought about suicide before he did ctb, I do know he did it because of a drunk argument and was impulsive, I believe he had some thoughts before hand but some stuff the night he did it pushed him to actually commit

One thought I have is: your depressed with suicidal thoughts, depression goes away and so does the thoughts then you ctb a few years later because of another depression, in that case the suicide is a symptom of the last depression not the first

Suicide is either the final symptom of an illness or an impulsive act becuse of something in your life but every suicide is different

 

[roborabbit]

I definitely think this is true. You can see it in how with multiple attempt survivors the attempts tend to getting worse each time. I was reading stats on throat cutting and apparently it's something like if you try to ctb by cutting your throat youre 4x more likely to succeed next time.

I believe even when ppl do it "on impulse" there had to be something processingin their brain over time to make it an option. SI doesn't really just go away usually.

 

[valar_morghulis21]

People only see the final physical suicide act. But they don't see how many people are dead inside and just a walking corpse, or the ones with passive suicidal eventually turn into active suicide

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

Like there is no way out, you could actually make the case I was in a better condition 5 years ago and all this did was prolong the inevitable. I've known people who were addicted to drugs and they were already drowinng, months before they committed suicide and I think that's probably one of the better ways to visualize that process. It might not apply to everyone out there but I feel like it's really not just that one act, it's a long process: it's self-destructing behavior, it's trying to fight against it with everything you have, it's failing, trying again, it's the planning, it's getting closure with one's decision and these are things that happen a long time before the actual act. Like realistically speaking, my suicide started many years ago, yeah I tried to bounce back but to no avail, I keep ending up in this cursed dead end and really I'm not in any different place as I was 2018, except I'm older now and maybe in a worse condition and that's it. I think we, as a society, need to get away from the idea, that a person is alive and they haven't actually committed suicide yet until a very specific act happens. Just because the process that leads to the climax is invisible, and I'll just describe it like that now, doesn't mean it's not already happening, to people around us. That's at least my perspective on it. Like yeah, I'm alive but that really means nothing, let's be honest. When it comes to my quality of life, you could as well say I died 10 years ago and that's basically where I would say it started.

This is so true and you summed it up pretty well, at least for me. It's been 10 years now, maybe even more, I don't really now at this point. While the actual somewhat serious idea occurred to me the first time 10 years ago (I think, but I might have had it once or twice in affect as a child or teen as well) it hasn't been on my mind for the majority of the last decade as I always had some hope for things to get better again. But in those last few month I lost that hope and I think this time it's not coming back.

 

[ipanema]

Very true. To me, suicide isn't inherently a tragedy. The tragedy is what led to them making a decision. The suicide itself may be the best part of that story. There are some exceptions though. There are definitely people out there that killed themselves impulsively and likely would've lived good lives had they held out. Those cases are tragedies. But I wonder whether they're the norm or the exception.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

I would have said those words. But I am so tired that I don't have the energy to write anything. Thank you.

 

[ctb_warrior]

It's something I've realized recently after years of talking to suicidal people and I've noticed in myself too, suicide is not a single act. It's not one action and then, poof, it happened. For many of us, it starts weeks before, months or even years, maybe even subconsciously before you think about doing it. And I think that's something people need to realize who really care about avoiding and preventing it, it's not a clear cut. It's not, oh this person is alive now, and then they do something and now they're not alive anymore and that's when they committed suicide. It's way more complex than that. That's also not how you prevent suicide in a meaningful way, really. Like just today someone mentioned the suicide hotline again, as if having one call and one talk is enough and then you're fine again, right. I mean I've talked about this years ago already. And I'm not even talking about my personality disorder that would render this type of help useless anyway. Like, it wouldn't do anything for me. The hole I dug for myself is so deep already, and that's been a process over several years, the amount of effort and work you'd need to invest to pull out of there again would be so much work, it's just not realistic anymore. In my case, it's been a long and painful deterioration, mentally and physically, like I'm clinging to any coping mechanism I have at this point, just to stay alive, but doing that is destroying me in different ways. Like there is no way out, you could actually make the case I was in a better condition 5 years ago and all this did was prolong the inevitable. I've known people who were addicted to drugs and they were already drowinng, months before they committed suicide and I think that's probably one of the better ways to visualize that process. It might not apply to everyone out there but I feel like it's really not just that one act, it's a long process: it's self-destructing behavior, it's trying to fight against it with everything you have, it's failing, trying again, it's the planning, it's getting closure with one's decision and these are things that happen a long time before the actual act. Like realistically speaking, my suicide started many years ago, yeah I tried to bounce back but to no avail, I keep ending up in this cursed dead end and really I'm not in any different place as I was 2018, except I'm older now and maybe in a worse condition and that's it. I think we, as a society, need to get away from the idea, that a person is alive and they haven't actually committed suicide yet until a very specific act happens. Just because the process that leads to the climax is invisible, and I'll just describe it like that now, doesn't mean it's not already happening, to people around us. That's at least my perspective on it. Like yeah, I'm alive but that really means nothing, let's be honest. When it comes to my quality of life, you could as well say I died 10 years ago and that's basically where I would say it started. But again, I'm not saying it applies to everyone else, but I think it's an accurate way to describe the process of suicide for a lot of people.

Just writing it down. Cheers.

Very well said. It really is a process. It takes proper research and planning and timing, everything comes into the picture..
My life has been a roller coaster, with ups and downs. Even at my worse, I'm living a life that many dream of, but it's way below my expectation from my life and i feel tired of trying to build my life again and again and again after falling to ground each time..i don't understand what sort of curse is this. Some people get to live a smooth life while people like us are cursed with a life that keeps punching us from time to time. Deep down, i don't really want to ctb, i want to live a good life that i deserve. But I'm tired, may be that life doesn't exists. I'm 36 and if I consider I'll live until i turn 72 for ease of calculation, i have 36 more years of torture left.. With the chaos in the world increasing day by day, AI taking over and govts not doing justice to the citizens. Deteriorating quality of life. I just can't see myself living another 36 years. I have a small window opening, where I will get SN, i don't know if it's pure or not, but I'll have to take a risk. I don't have benzos. I'll just have to manage with anti emetics. That SN may get seized even before i could try it. Or if the SN is not SN but some other compound like sodium nitrate, it'll fail. Now or never situation with a solid risk of failure even if one thing goes wrong.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

I believe that free will is only an illusion, the future is determined. Our life is not like a video game but like a video. In a movie were the protagonist kills himself in the end you get many hints bevore, you observe the process.

 

[TimeTraveling4]

Very well said. It really is a process. It takes proper research and planning and timing, everything comes into the picture..
My life has been a roller coaster, with ups and downs. Even at my worse, I'm living a life that many dream of, but it's way below my expectation from my life and i feel tired of trying to build my life again and again and again after falling to ground each time..i don't understand what sort of curse is this. Some people get to live a smooth life while people like us are cursed with a life that keeps punching us from time to time. Deep down, i don't really want to ctb, i want to live a good life that i deserve. But I'm tired, may be that life doesn't exists. I'm 36 and if I consider I'll live until i turn 72 for ease of calculation, i have 36 more years of torture left.. With the chaos in the world increasing day by day, AI taking over and govts not doing justice to the citizens. Deteriorating quality of life. I just can't see myself living another 36 years. I have a small window opening, where I will get SN, i don't know if it's pure or not, but I'll have to take a risk. I don't have benzos. I'll just have to manage with anti emetics. That SN may get seized even before i could try it. Or if the SN is not SN but some other compound like sodium nitrate, it'll fail. Now or never situation with a solid risk of failure even if one thing goes wrong.

I want to CTB personally, my chance at a good life is ruined. Are you ordering your SN from MIC?

 

[ctb_warrior]

I want to CTB personally, my chance at a good life is ruined. Are you ordering your SN from MIC?

I'm so sorry to hear that life has brought you to this point that you wish to CTB i hope and wish the best for you.
To answer your question, I'm in India and I have ordered it from an Indian website
I'm suspicious though bcz another friend here ordered from that site and had planned to ctb but it failed because what he was sent by that site was nitrate and not nitrite.
I ordered two boxes, so that if by mistake one of them is nitrate, the other may be nitrite. I know it's just a blind shot. They could send me nitrate or impure nitrite or old nitrite that's almost converted to nitrate over time.

 

[TimeTraveling4]

I'm so sorry to hear that life has brought you to this point that you wish to CTB i hope and wish the best for you.
To answer your question, I'm in India and I have ordered it from an Indian website
I'm suspicious though bcz another friend here ordered from that site and had planned to ctb but it failed because what he was sent by that site was nitrate and not nitrite.
I ordered two boxes, so that if by mistake one of them is nitrate, the other may be nitrite. I know it's just a blind shot. They could send me nitrate or impure nitrite or old nitrite that's almost converted to nitrate over time.

I know what you mean. @tokyoboo posted that story. The failed CTB attempt was crazy. But I have another question, @IfFairiesWereReal CTB with SN and her SN was from that site. Maybe that site is legit. You just need to carefully check that what you ordered is NANO2 and not NANO3

 

[ctb_warrior]

I know what you mean. @tokyoboo posted that story. The failed CTB attempt was crazy. But I have another question, @IfFairiesWereReal CTB with SN and her SN was from that site. Maybe that site is legit. You just need to carefully check that what you ordered is NANO2 and not NANO3

Woahhhh
I didn't know fairies bought it from the same site...
Thanks for confirming this..

And you have a great memory.. You are right it was Tokyo bro's experience with nitrate.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

Very true. To me, suicide isn't inherently a tragedy. The tragedy is what led to them making a decision. The suicide itself may be the best part of that story. There are some exceptions though. There are definitely people out there that killed themselves impulsively and likely would've lived good lives had they held out. Those cases are tragedies. But I wonder whether they're the norm or the exception.

I heard that most attempts happen in affect actually, around 60% apparently. But I can't quite remember or verify the source and it said nothing about "success" rates. Could be that more impulsive attempts fail than those well planned, although I could also imagine it being the opposite way, really hard to say.

 

[tokyoboo]

I know what you mean. @tokyoboo posted that story. The failed CTB attempt was crazy. But I have another question, @IfFairiesWereReal CTB with SN and her SN was from that site. Maybe that site is legit. You just need to carefully check that what you ordered is NANO2 and not NANO3

We bought from same site, but it's different product.. so mine is fake and nitrate, which is mislabeled and advertised with the false name, meanwhile her product is real and good . Different product means like you can see 2 products with the name sn

 

[Steve Vermont]

This rings so true to me. I have been fighting a rearguard action against suicide since I was twelve. I am now 59. I can confidently say that not a year of my life has passed without me giving serious thought to killing myself.

As time has gone by, over the last decade, I have started acquiring the means. I have five kilos of SN. I am slowly acquiring a huge stash of penthobarbital. I live in South America, so trips to find nembutal are a distinct possibility. I'm looking into buying a forty liter canister of neutral gas — perhaps nitrous oxide.

My goal is to die a "natural" death and the drugs I take keep my demons away, most days. But over thenpast decade, I have stopped doing any excercise. I am diabetic and don't take care of myself. I can take my drugs, but I can't seem to muster enthusiasm to do the minimum necessary to keep myself healthy.