Suicide is my backup option, and it is so comforting to have it there

[nights5467]

Luckily I have guns and gun training, the one reason I am grateful to live in America, and i keep it on me just in case I find myself in a situation where my life just completely goes to shit. If I were to ever be on the brink of being arrested on something I KNOW I can't beat the charges on, if my mom died, if I lost my car, if I get fired from my job, if I get deported to El Salvador for my political opinions, whatever the horrific scenario that would bring about much anguish and pain can just be avoided by eating a bullet. Any time I have anxiety about future events outside my control, I realize that I control if I stay alive or not. If I ever did shoot myself I would like lean up against the edge of the roof of a tall building and shoot myself in the head so that i would fall simultaneously as I shoot myself, to reduce the chances of me surviving by miracle. Id probably need a few xanax too lmao

There is a small amount of hope for me right now although it gets smaller by the day, but I am now at peace knowing whenever I need to catch the bus, I already have the ticket in my back pocket.

Being passively suicidal is weirdly very freeing

 

[zengiraffe]

you can get in an accident that removes you ability to use your gun, e.g. you get in a car crash that destroys or paralyses your hands or arms. pretty unlikely, but could happen. that's my main fear as someone who also has a shotgun waiting for me any time i need it. i've had it for a few years and it's lost its ability to comfort me tbh, i'm now worried like "if i haven't used it already will i ever use it? do i not have the guts?"

 

[Linda]

you can get in an accident that removes you ability to use your gun, e.g. you get in a car crash that destroys or paralyses your hands or arms. pretty unlikely, but could happen. that's my main fear as someone who also has a shotgun waiting for me any time i need it. i've had it for a few years and it's lost its ability to comfort me tbh, i'm now worried like "if i haven't used it already will i ever use it? do i not have the guts?"

You are absolutely right. It can happen. A neighbor of mine, aged 61, is an alcoholic and his life has fallen apart. He has said many times that he will ctb, using his shotgun, if his life goes down much further, and I know that he meant it.
Three days ago, he had a stroke. I saw him in the hospital yesterday. He is paralysed on one side, and he can't speak or communicate. Unless he improves significantly - which is possible but by no means guaranteed - he won't be able to return home and use his gun. He would be fairly helpless for the rest of his life, and it would be a dreadful life. (If he does improve enough to return home, I expect that he will ctb almost immediately.)

You probably haven't used your gun because your life is not (yet) so bad that ctb seems like your best option. (Or least bad option, if you prefer to phrase it that way.) If you were detemined to die, I think you would find that you do have the guts to do it. You could make a rational evaluation of your life, its good aspects and its bad ones, and how the good and bad ones are likely to change in the future, and see if that leads you to any useful conclusions.

 

[Alexandra0]

I'm happy for you. It's really nice to know that you can leave the game on your own terms