xhelx
decayed beyond recognition
- Mar 1, 2024
- 105
Well, it's once again that magical time of the year when I have exams. Am I going to study? Maybe. Did I try? Yes. But did it work? Somewhat, not enough. So what am I doing instead? Wasting my time on here. Why? I think I'm going to set myself on fire without a distraction.
I mean, studying is hard as it is, but when the respect i get from my parents for the next year and the only source of income I have (besides money from parents, I mean my scholarship) depend on how well I do in exams it's ten times worse. If I had a gun I would shoot myself in the exam room. I hate this degree with a burning passion and I would much much rather get a lower paying job if it means never taking any exam again. The downside of being a former 'gifted' kid is setting the expectations of others SO high for the rest of your life. I was never smart, I was just a child with so few friends that I was spending my entire day studying out of boredom. It's not like I got more friends now, BUT I did get something instead!! Fucking depression and a will to die stronger than any will to study I ever had. I've got the 'why do this if I'm going to kill myself anyway?' mentality and it has fucked up every single thing in my life so far. I hate it here
I mean, studying is hard as it is, but when the respect i get from my parents for the next year and the only source of income I have (besides money from parents, I mean my scholarship) depend on how well I do in exams it's ten times worse. If I had a gun I would shoot myself in the exam room. I hate this degree with a burning passion and I would much much rather get a lower paying job if it means never taking any exam again. The downside of being a former 'gifted' kid is setting the expectations of others SO high for the rest of your life. I was never smart, I was just a child with so few friends that I was spending my entire day studying out of boredom. It's not like I got more friends now, BUT I did get something instead!! Fucking depression and a will to die stronger than any will to study I ever had. I've got the 'why do this if I'm going to kill myself anyway?' mentality and it has fucked up every single thing in my life so far. I hate it here
