suicide has made me hypersensitive to rejection and not care about anything at the same time

[eggsausagerice]

dealing with this makes me feel like a crazy person. anytime i feel like i'm talking too much, that someone isn't interested in me, or i feel like a loser, then i immediately want to kill myself and start thinking about ODing on pills or hanging myself so that i can stop being such an embarrassment to everyone around me. at the same time, i also can't develop any interests in anything around me because i feel like enjoying something will make me want to live more, and that i don't care about movies, books, shows, or games if i'm going to drop dead before christmas. december is so far away that waiting feels agonizing. i imagine everyone else in my life being happy and doing things they enjoy while i wither away into nothing.

i almost wish that all my feelings could fade away into complete apathy, but i still care and i still get nauseous and want to cry whenever i feel anxious about something in my life. a part of me wants to start doing drugs so that i get dissociated or feel something other than this but i never have enough money to buy anything besides food when i go out. the act of waiting for death just makes me wish i could die faster. i feel constantly anxious that i have to wait for the opportunity to come to me that i can't enjoy anything in my life anymore. every day i wake up and know that i'm going to be dead, so i don't know how to spend my day anymore. i just want to keep on laying down because nothing feels worthwhile.

 

[Vlad Tepes]

We're in the exact same boat.

 

[NoHorizon]

This is very relatable. I'm simultaneously dead to the world but also incredibly oversensitive and anxious about everything. It does make any sense.