Water-Lily
Enlightened
- Dec 26, 2020
- 1,182
Decided to put my anxious depressive thoughts into a casual story for fun. Sort paralleling my current thoughts and where I am:
"Hey…"
"Well, you decided to finally do it?"
"Yeah. I am tired of the arguments. I am tired of being a hypocrite. I am tired of being overwhelmed. I had 5 fucking panic attacks and lashed out at everyone left and right. They then lashed back at me and I got more mad. This is a problem too big for me to handle and I am done!"
"But do you really want to do this? I'll take your place gladly, but can this be rectified? Maybe an apology?"
"But what if they don't apologize to me for hurting me!"
"Then you can apologize for your wrong and then in turn tell them how you feel. I am sure they'll apologize too since they get you"
"I…don't know"
"How about this. Why don't you try talking to them? Let them know whats up? Apologize and say how you feel. If you still want to leave, I will take your place as part of thre deal. How does that sound?"
"Y-yeah….I guess"
"Ok. You know how to reach me. Let me know how it goes either way"
With that I open my eyes. I am surrounded by darkness enveloping a deep blue sky. Stars have made their presence amongst the tall trees in the forest. I stand up from a tree stump that was a symbol in the middle. I hop off the stump and stretch out my body. "I have to do this, I have to try. Otherwise recovery would have been for nothing at this point" I say to myself. My face is likely still somewhat swollen from crying and my body is somewhat worn from the arguing but mostly keeping my feelings to myself. I hate this. I hate that I am a baby. I hate that I am a child. I hate that I am so hard on myself, and not hard enough. Why can't suicide be easy? Fuck maybe I should do the swap and end my life? But there is a 15 minuete limit. I look over at the forest entrance and brace myself "I have to face this. Being an 'adult' as they call it". I walk toards the entrace to meet my friends
I immediately feel this sense of warmth. I see my friends all sitting on logs around a fire. Their bodies are hunched over, their faces look sad. "I did this" I think to myself. I walk over slowly, before kicking myself and picking up the pace. The closer I got to them, the weaker my body felt. Before I could say anything, Megan looked up and smiled at me
Megan: Hey. Are you feeling ok?
Me: Um, not really. I wanted to talk to you guys
Michael: I thik its best we do. We all had it rough the past few days
Cindy: Come on, sit by me
Cindy moves down a bit and allows me to sit next to her. I walk over and sit down slowly. I hug myself and shake
Cindy: Don't worry. We're not mad at you
Me: Why?
Megan: I think all this fdighting is something we've all been partially responsible for. But we don't want you to blame yourself fully
Micheal: Yeah, we all played a role in this so let's just talk it out
Cindy: We're glad you're back Lily
Me: T-thanks
Micheal: I'll go first. Megan, I want to apologize for assuming you took my share of food. Even when you explained yourself I lashed out unfairly and said some rude things to you. It was wrong
Megan: Thank you. I also want to apologize for retaliating and saying nasty things, and then trying to take your food.
Cindy: I also want to apologize for giving everyone the cold shoulder. I wasn't being nice and shut down on everyone
Me: I, also want to apologize for being nasty. I was saying mean things to everyone while keeping my true feelings inside. I didn't want to say how I felt since I was blinded by rage, but since I wasn't able to say anything I let it build up and lashed out more and kept to myself. Then had those panic attacks and-
Michael: Lily it's fine. You don't have to go into it. You're fine
Megan: Thank you for coming back and having this conversation. I wanted to go and find you but Cindy insisted you'd come to us on your own
Cindy: And I was right! I'm glad you're here with us!
Me: Y-yeah….
Micheal: Let's vow to forgive each other and try to do differently. We're gonna be camping out a few more days so let's make the best of it
Everyone: Yeah!
With that, my body felt better. I didn't feel as heavy. I wanted to smile, but I was afraid to. Cindy and Megan went to tend to their chores while I covered my face in my hands. Michael sat across from me
Michael: You ok? You want to go get a breather?
Me: Why? Why is life sohard for me? I didn't ask to struggle this bad!
Michael: It's not entirely your fault. Your mom really did a number on you
Me: But that's not an excuse! I should be doing better! I should be healthier!
Micheal: You were abused for the entirety of your childhood to your young adult years, And when she died when you were 20, you spent the rest of that time grieving, You didn't get to be a child. She robbed that of you. With what you are doing now, I am proud. We all are. So when you have a moment we take that into account
Me: It's just so hard. I just…
Michael: Think about dying?
Me: Huh?
Michael: I sometimes hear you talk in the forest. I always suspected that you might have thought about death to escape
Me: I-um…
Michael: I won't judge. I haven't been in your shoes but I have been in dark places myself. Just know that as a group we'd feel very incomplete if you weren't with us
Me: It's not even just that. I just hate dealing with myself and want a permanent quick fix
Michael: I know, I know
I ended up crying for what felt like minutes as Michael sat next to me and didn't bother me
How do you live with CPTSD? How do you live with deep childhood truama wounds? How can you be happy? Is recovery, even worth it?
"Hey…"
"Well, you decided to finally do it?"
"Yeah. I am tired of the arguments. I am tired of being a hypocrite. I am tired of being overwhelmed. I had 5 fucking panic attacks and lashed out at everyone left and right. They then lashed back at me and I got more mad. This is a problem too big for me to handle and I am done!"
"But do you really want to do this? I'll take your place gladly, but can this be rectified? Maybe an apology?"
"But what if they don't apologize to me for hurting me!"
"Then you can apologize for your wrong and then in turn tell them how you feel. I am sure they'll apologize too since they get you"
"I…don't know"
"How about this. Why don't you try talking to them? Let them know whats up? Apologize and say how you feel. If you still want to leave, I will take your place as part of thre deal. How does that sound?"
"Y-yeah….I guess"
"Ok. You know how to reach me. Let me know how it goes either way"
With that I open my eyes. I am surrounded by darkness enveloping a deep blue sky. Stars have made their presence amongst the tall trees in the forest. I stand up from a tree stump that was a symbol in the middle. I hop off the stump and stretch out my body. "I have to do this, I have to try. Otherwise recovery would have been for nothing at this point" I say to myself. My face is likely still somewhat swollen from crying and my body is somewhat worn from the arguing but mostly keeping my feelings to myself. I hate this. I hate that I am a baby. I hate that I am a child. I hate that I am so hard on myself, and not hard enough. Why can't suicide be easy? Fuck maybe I should do the swap and end my life? But there is a 15 minuete limit. I look over at the forest entrance and brace myself "I have to face this. Being an 'adult' as they call it". I walk toards the entrace to meet my friends
I immediately feel this sense of warmth. I see my friends all sitting on logs around a fire. Their bodies are hunched over, their faces look sad. "I did this" I think to myself. I walk over slowly, before kicking myself and picking up the pace. The closer I got to them, the weaker my body felt. Before I could say anything, Megan looked up and smiled at me
Megan: Hey. Are you feeling ok?
Me: Um, not really. I wanted to talk to you guys
Michael: I thik its best we do. We all had it rough the past few days
Cindy: Come on, sit by me
Cindy moves down a bit and allows me to sit next to her. I walk over and sit down slowly. I hug myself and shake
Cindy: Don't worry. We're not mad at you
Me: Why?
Megan: I think all this fdighting is something we've all been partially responsible for. But we don't want you to blame yourself fully
Micheal: Yeah, we all played a role in this so let's just talk it out
Cindy: We're glad you're back Lily
Me: T-thanks
Micheal: I'll go first. Megan, I want to apologize for assuming you took my share of food. Even when you explained yourself I lashed out unfairly and said some rude things to you. It was wrong
Megan: Thank you. I also want to apologize for retaliating and saying nasty things, and then trying to take your food.
Cindy: I also want to apologize for giving everyone the cold shoulder. I wasn't being nice and shut down on everyone
Me: I, also want to apologize for being nasty. I was saying mean things to everyone while keeping my true feelings inside. I didn't want to say how I felt since I was blinded by rage, but since I wasn't able to say anything I let it build up and lashed out more and kept to myself. Then had those panic attacks and-
Michael: Lily it's fine. You don't have to go into it. You're fine
Megan: Thank you for coming back and having this conversation. I wanted to go and find you but Cindy insisted you'd come to us on your own
Cindy: And I was right! I'm glad you're here with us!
Me: Y-yeah….
Micheal: Let's vow to forgive each other and try to do differently. We're gonna be camping out a few more days so let's make the best of it
Everyone: Yeah!
With that, my body felt better. I didn't feel as heavy. I wanted to smile, but I was afraid to. Cindy and Megan went to tend to their chores while I covered my face in my hands. Michael sat across from me
Michael: You ok? You want to go get a breather?
Me: Why? Why is life sohard for me? I didn't ask to struggle this bad!
Michael: It's not entirely your fault. Your mom really did a number on you
Me: But that's not an excuse! I should be doing better! I should be healthier!
Micheal: You were abused for the entirety of your childhood to your young adult years, And when she died when you were 20, you spent the rest of that time grieving, You didn't get to be a child. She robbed that of you. With what you are doing now, I am proud. We all are. So when you have a moment we take that into account
Me: It's just so hard. I just…
Michael: Think about dying?
Me: Huh?
Michael: I sometimes hear you talk in the forest. I always suspected that you might have thought about death to escape
Me: I-um…
Michael: I won't judge. I haven't been in your shoes but I have been in dark places myself. Just know that as a group we'd feel very incomplete if you weren't with us
Me: It's not even just that. I just hate dealing with myself and want a permanent quick fix
Michael: I know, I know
I ended up crying for what felt like minutes as Michael sat next to me and didn't bother me
How do you live with CPTSD? How do you live with deep childhood truama wounds? How can you be happy? Is recovery, even worth it?
