Venting Suicide as a goal

[auld_fool]

For as long as I can remember, suicide has casually been one of my goals. I have been living a life where I would choose to die at any time if I could do so simply, but I don't connect with enough people to OD on fent. I tried getting contact with a dealer through a creepy guy I run into occasionally, but it's not simple since I'm just a rando. I think of myself as walking dead, living a life that I have long since lost interest in.

There's no way that I will tell anyone, because I genuinely don't want this ruined for me. I don't want help. At least, not when I'm down. It doesn't feel real, it's not real if there's no one around for the up-beat and mundane. To be there for me, someone must appreciate me in general. But I don't have anyone around, not for lack of trying.

My social life makes me feel like a monster, I just repulse people. I make great first-impressions. I am an empathetic, supportive, affirming listener. But somehow maybe they just feel a disturbingly quiet silence inside my heart. Maybe I'm not relatable. Maybe I'm overwhelmingly intense. Maybe they think I'm just a yes-man. Maybe I am just far more callous and careless than i realise.

 

[CarbonBased]

I think I know what you mean. I would also describe myself in the same way you think of yourself. The issue is that there really is something inside of me that I can't possibly show to people unless I already know that they are likely to agree with me. People might not realize that I'm hiding something consciously, but they probably still feel it deep down. I plan to ctb relatively soon, so I'm not looking to form strong relationships, but despite that I have met people on this website with whom I was able to feel a genuine connection without even looking for one. I truly believe that this place is special for people like us. Just find a recent thread by a person you relate to and offer to chat with them. There's no guarantee that it works, but the chances are probably higher here than pretty much anywhere else

 

[auld_fool]

I think I know what you mean. I would also describe myself in the same way you think of yourself. The issue is that there really is something inside of me that I can't possibly show to people unless I already know that they are likely to agree with me. People might not realize that I'm hiding something consciously, but they probably still feel it deep down. I plan to ctb relatively soon, so I'm not looking to form strong relationships, but despite that I have met people on this website with whom I was able to feel a genuine connection without even looking for one. I truly believe that this place is special for people like us. Just find a recent thread by a person you relate to and offer to chat with them. There's no guarantee that it works, but the chances are probably higher here than pretty much anywhere else

yeah, this forum is for solidarity with others in one's darkest moments. It always sucks to see so many people in the same rotten boat as myself.
...I've done nothing but embarrass myself ever since I came onto this platform. I'm just an unwitting dunce to be honest.
I indeed understand the feeling of knowing too much.

May I ask what method you're planning?

 

[spellbound]

I feel you, I wish more people could understand that suicide in itself can be a goal, and not an escape or the result of insanity, society or whatever they imagine. I just want suicide for what it is. I embrace it.
This fundamental misunderstanding of society pushes me more toward alienation every day. It's hard to feel alone, but there's nothing else to feel anyways

 

[auld_fool]

I feel you, I wish more people could understand that suicide in itself can be a goal, and not an escape or the result of insanity, society or whatever they imagine. I just want suicide for what it is. I embrace it.
This fundamental misunderstanding of society pushes me more toward alienation every day. It's hard to feel alone, but there's nothing else to feel anyways

Isolation is the droning tone of my life.

 

[CarbonBased]

yeah, this forum is for solidarity with others in one's darkest moments. It always sucks to see so many people in the same rotten boat as myself.
...I've done nothing but embarrass myself ever since I came onto this platform. I'm just an unwitting dunce to be honest.
I indeed understand the feeling of knowing too much.

May I ask what method you're planning?

Yeah, sure. I'm planning SN ingestion. Currently looking for some ways to source it.
Also, I'm sorry you had a bad experience on this website. It probably had more to do with which people happened to be online at that moment than with what you did/said (I didn't read anything, I'm just assuming)

 

[ravendrops]

"Goal" is stark but I wonder I think accurate. I don't know how to exit but it's become one of my highest priorities so I guess so. I'm trying to figure out both method and how to minimize the wound it will leave on my family even though it feels like a control burn at this point as much damage as I cause

 

[auld_fool]

Yeah, sure. I'm planning SN ingestion. Currently looking for some ways to source it.
Also, I'm sorry you had a bad experience on this website. It probably had more to do with which people happened to be online at that moment than with what you did/said (I didn't read anything, I'm just assuming)

Noo, I was awkward as hell. trust. Apparently a huge SN controversy was on the news, some dude named Kenneth Law was arrested for selling it to 140 people across 40 countries who used it to ctb... funny enough i saw this on a tv in a hospital ER when i admitted myself for suicide ideation to get into the homeless shelter. I was like "damn, this is the exact method i wanted, it's getting harder to use every day".
Also looking into medical papers regarding the use of SN to CTB, it is a popular enough method that there is advocacy for stricter regulation on it. In these papers I also found the LD50 and additional otc chems people used to increase the chances of success. but honestly, fent seems so much more straight-forward, painless and abundant... If it were easy to acquire intentionally.

 

[CarbonBased]

Noo, I was awkward as hell. trust. Apparently a huge SN controversy was on the news, some dude named Kenneth Law was arrested for selling it to 140 people across 40 countries who used it to ctb... funny enough i saw this on a tv in a hospital ER when i admitted myself for suicide ideation to get into the homeless shelter. I was like "damn, this is the exact method i wanted, it's getting harder to use every day".
Also looking into medical papers regarding the use of SN to CTB, it is a popular enough method that there is advocacy for stricter regulation on it. In these papers I also found the LD50 and additional otc chems people used to increase the chances of success. but honestly, fent seems so much more straight-forward, painless and abundant... If it were easy to acquire intentionally.

Wow, you've done quite some research on the topic. Impressive. I was also kinda thinking on od-ing on some drug like fent or maybe some kind of nitazene, but it's (probably) more expensive and introduces more modes of failure. What if I get caught trying to buy some and get in legal trouble? What if they sell me the wrong thing and od doesn't work (they don't have quality control unlike SN manufacturers)? I generally know so little of that world that I don't really wanna get into it

 

[auld_fool]

Wow, you've done quite some research on the topic. Impressive. I was also kinda thinking on od-ing on some drug like fent or maybe some kind of nitazene, but it's (probably) more expensive and introduces more modes of failure. What if I get caught trying to buy some and get in legal trouble? What if they sell me the wrong thing and od doesn't work (they don't have quality control unlike SN manufacturers)? I generally know so little of that world that I don't really wanna get into it

I haven't heard yet of Nitazenes. My plan was honestly just to buy 3 fent pills and take them all at once. but getting into that scene is difficult for me.