Venting Suicide and "Selfishness"

[noctilucent]

I've been told it's selfish to try and take my own life. This is something I can accept for myself with my own circumstances, but I don't think it's true for everyone. However, there's also the commonly shared perspective that it's selfish for loved ones, etc. to ask their suicidal friends/family to stay with them. Which do you feel is more selfish, or more cruel?

It's a question that's been on my mind recently. I am suicidal myself, and also in love with and deeply attached to someone who is suicidal. When we discuss our feelings or our potential plans, we both try to remain neutral. (Neutral as in saying things like "I'd prefer if you didn't, but I understand" rather than desperately trying to convince the other not to do anything.) He is good at maintaining this sort of neutrality and staying calm because he isn't the emotional type, and I sometimes am, too, but other times I can't control my worries and my own selfish desire for him to stay with me longer, even if I also am planning to ctb someday. He's leaving soon, most likely in 2-3 months, and recently found a source for what he needs, so it is becoming harder than ever for me to stay calm. And sometimes I wonder — am I more cruel for wanting him to stay, or is he more cruel for trying to leave me behind? I know there's no real answer to this, and it's pointless to think about. In an ideal world we'd plan around eachother and ctb in a similar time frame, but I'm broke currently and have no sources anyway, so I'm going to be here for at least a few months longer than he is if he goes through with it. The grief is going to be difficult, but I hope I am able to say goodbye without causing too much of a hassle for him. I really love him, so I know I need to let him go. It's just scary to think about being alone.

I find that mentally hurting people tend to flock together online due to similar outlooks, so as a secondary question, have any of you dealt with a situation similar to mine? How did you deal with the loss afterwards? Is there anything I should prepare for?

This got long. Thanks for reading.

 

[AnotherStatistic]

If he has a source then maybe they can share it with you? as an outsider i don't see why they wouldn't if they know you are in the same boat.

Have you had the chance to talk about the path things will take after either of you go? its usually the last thing people talk about when talking of cbt (imo) as its the scariest part. Death is east to talk about as a hypothetical, but the human brain doesn't have experience in its own death so we tend to ignore the questions that come after.

you are not wrong for caring, its our nature as animals, but who says caring has to mean keeping someone from cbt? so reason you two cant enjoy what time is left, think of it as a last hurrah

Man Vs Man
Man vs Nature
Man Vs Self
Man vs Wanting to die Vs friend would be sad
Thats the gist from my experience

 

[LunarLight]

am I more cruel for wanting him to stay, or is he more cruel for trying to leave me behind?

I would say that based on the principle of bodily autonomy, he has rights over his own body that you don't have. But I wouldn't use the word "cruel". Neither of you are cruel.

 

[d-tea]

Is there no way you can do it together? I think it's a hurtful situation overall, you are both neither wrong nor right in your feelings, it just is how it is and you have to communicate well and try to come to terms with or change the circumstances together

 

[vitbar]

I'm not sure thoughts can be cruel. Actions can be of course. As you aren't intending harm I don't think killing yourself is cruel to others.

Have you spoken with him about this? Have you spoken with him about whether he can delay for you?

 

[willitpass]

You aren't cruel, you are human. I'm sure he's hurting just as bad inside as you are but manages to hide it better. Unless someone is malicious in their ways and prevents someone from ctb with extreme measures I believe almost no one is selfish for wanting someone to stay. That is just called being human. Humans do not want to lose those they care about. Grief is one of the most painful things someone can go through, so naturally people try to protect themselves from it. Ultimately is comes down to "if you love someone you let them go" when they are in immense, incurable suffering. That doesn't make it easy though.

 

[grungy自殺]

It's a very tough Situation, i'll be asking myself those same questions (ex: horrible for leaving behind those who want you alive)

Of course i can't exactly relate to the problem you're facing, but there were close calls for me on convincing a good friend of mine (whom i have a crush on, which would equate to you) that they should be Okay and that it's too rash to do so.

But i do have another friend of mine that i actively talk with, that is just as suicidal as me.

I remember i kept telling him that i'm a rough spot like him and that he shouldn't do what he is about to (which is obviously ctb)

But it would be hypocritical because it wouldn't be fair for him to stay and then i would express the sentiment that i don't have any value, which is the very thing that drove him to the state of suicidal ideation.

It's incongruent.


I guess the overall takeaway here is that in human nature

People would Not allow those to die because they want to preserve lifes and that their sake should be for theirs because it's not right thing to leave the ones that you care for.

It's likely Because they're probably super dependent on those that give them to those that give them the real time of day since they really need it


And also Because life to them is valuable and them being around you is invaluable to them.


It's a very hard course to not accept