Venting Suicide and ASD. I feel so alone why stay?

[Goukan「強姦」]

Please don't hate I just have to vent about about MY personal experience with my autism. There been an uprise of autism awareness and we cannot lie about it. The thing is that I do believe alot of people confuses autism with adhd and I'm not saying one better then the other or worst. It's just not the same experience especially socially. I'm very tired of life lately because I have grew up being told by my parents that I was neurotipical and I HAD to achieve these very neurotypical goals in life. I just never really wanted that for myself, friends, long terms relationship, going to event, going on vacation.



I just been trying so hard to seem normal but i have been rejected by almost everyone in my life for being SO odd to their eyes.



Coming back to the ASD self-diagnosis. Everyone I know irl that claims to have autism and aren't diagnosed just have such great at reading clues connecting with ppl and I'm just there struggling so much. Even if they all been great help to help me survive this allistic hell, i dont like them using that lable.

They are always asking about how I feel if I'm okay because of my lack of facial expression and empathy. I just been condition my whole life into think my wroth equal to my life experiences and my friendships. Only when I have non of that and everythting I consider important in my life is viewed as superficial or self-centered. How am I supposed to feel?? I feel like an alien for so many reasons and I just want to die so badly. I'm trying so hard to meet the every day demands for neurotipical ppl and it's killing me. I'm trying to drown the pain in sh and starving and drugs but nothing curse it and I'm so tried. So fucking tired.



I know suicide isn't the "awnser" but there's no cure for autism. What's my way out of this other then suicide. High fonctionning autistic ppl have lower life expectancy then Allistic ppl all and the main reason for it is suicide. I know since I'm 12 I'm going to kill myself so why shouldn't I? This world wasn't made for me. This world dosent want me. Why fucking stay

 

[letsalllovelain]

Social interactions feel like a balancing act to me, im always afraid of weirding people out even while talking to my friend of ~9 years I dont feel like i can speak freely.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

im sorry the world has caused you to feel this way, i feel the same. all throughout my childhood my parents refused to believe anything was wrong with me, even after i tried killing myself because i didnt understand why i was so different, they just thought i was trying to get attention. only until i finally got a diagnosis last year have they actually accepted that im neurodivergent, but now they believe i have superpowers because im "good and maths and can use a computer" and still refuse to see how the world is just not made for me to even live and causes me so much suffering.

also i understand what you mean about self-diagnosing. it can be problematic, especially when someone misdiagnoses themselves. if you can i would encourage your friends to seek an actual diagnostic assessment if its available to them. or at least to do a lot more research before coming to a conclusion and telling others. i get how it can be frustrating to see them seemingly not struggle at all with symptoms that you struggle greatly with.

when it comes to living with autism (you can ignore this if you want, i know you were just venting but i wanted to include this just in case it might be helpful) i guess the only thing i can think to do other than suicide is to fight back against the expectations and be yourself unapologetically. at least that way you wont burn out from trying to seem neurotypical. but it is a scary thing to do, especially when we get so much scrutiny for being ourselves. its tough having to fight for yourself when your opinion of yourself is so low. but thats all i can think to do. maybe start by making your home more autism friendly if you havent already, start small and work your way up to bigger things like asking for accommodations at school or work etc. idk i hope this made sense. and i hope things get better for you <3

 

[Goukan「強姦」]

[Mistake I'm so bad at using this forum]

im sorry the world has caused you to feel this way, i feel the same. all throughout my childhood my parents refused to believe anything was wrong with me, even after i tried killing myself because i didnt understand why i was so different, they just thought i was trying to get attention. only until i finally got a diagnosis last year have they actually accepted that im neurodivergent, but now they believe i have superpowers because im "good and maths and can use a computer" and still refuse to see how the world is just not made for me to even live and causes me so much suffering.

also i understand what you mean about self-diagnosing. it can be problematic, especially when someone misdiagnoses themselves. if you can i would encourage your friends to seek an actual diagnostic assessment if its available to them. or at least to do a lot more research before coming to a conclusion and telling others. i get how it can be frustrating to see them seemingly not struggle at all with symptoms that you struggle greatly with.

when it comes to living with autism (you can ignore this if you want, i know you were just venting but i wanted to include this just in case it might be helpful) i guess the only thing i can think to do other than suicide is to fight back against the expectations and be yourself unapologetically. at least that way you wont burn out from trying to seem neurotypical. but it is a scary thing to do, especially when we get so much scrutiny for being ourselves. its tough having to fight for yourself when your opinion of yourself is so low. but thats all i can think to do. maybe start by making your home more autism friendly if you havent already, start small and work your way up to bigger things like asking for accommodations at school or work etc. idk i hope this made sense. and i hope things get better for you <3

[ sorry if it feels overwhelming I kinda started to vend mid reply I still acknowledge you tips and I'll try my best to use them <3 ]

That so sweet really thanks. Just knowing I'm not alone is really helpful :')
I really feel about the suicide thing i have like around 5 small attemps and 1 that almost worked (if i hadn't chicken out last minute and told my dad) Sometimes I wished I could be fully myself I have tried to unmask as much as I can, but living with my family can be exhausting. I'm not perfect when I feel overwhelmed or I need to cool down I can get really irritable and anti-social and it make my parents worry or angry and get MORE involved with me. It's like the moment I walk outside my room it's just pain. Ah. Like as much as I try to ignore the bad things I just get made fun all the time and idk it seem as funny jokes or comments to neurotipical ppl but it just gets to me after a while. Then when I get meltdowns I get treated like the most heretic freak on the planet overexgerting EVERYTHING in thier eyes. That i should JUST get my shit together. then it just leads to a shutdown and I just cut myself and do drugs and starve etc. I just became a empty shell of myself really any passion I had for life just gone. My special interests just kind stop sparking joy anymore.

Sometimes I look at my brother who as been diagnosed since hes 3 years old how like better his life was how good he has became at handling the real world. I wish parents could just treat me with the same patient and like give me my space, just understand my needs and struggle (especially with communication).

I just feel like the world failed me. Your telling me I'll have to get a JOB and do adult stuff when school already breaking every bone in my body. I don't have a plan yet but I have a stach of a cocktail of antidepressants I was giving this year that just didn't work for me. If get too caught up in my mind this summer it might really be the end for me.

 

[peaceindeath]

Sometimes it's just accepting suffering or ending it. There is no other way

 

[FuneralCry]

At least to me, I don't believe that those with ASD are meant for this cruel, harsh world, there really is far too much unnecessary suffering in existing and it really can be so tiring and awful feeling trapped here. But anyway I wish you the best.