Suicidal with worsening symptoms - Want a peaceful way

[Thorian7]

Hello,

A quick summary of my situation.

I suffer from Catastrophic Reactive Tinnitus (extremely loud, deafening, comes over all other sounds) and severe Hyperacusis (very collapsed tolerance to all sound) too. If you don't know what reactive Tinnitus is, it is the rare horrible kind which spikes (gets much louder) with most sounds. Hyperacusis is a collapsed tolerance of the volume of sounds, so everything sounds "too loud" and it can cause deep pain in the ear. The two conditions are absolute hell and are progressing. The Tinnitus started with a loud concert in 2005, and my symptoms gradually got worse and worse from further concerts with earplugs (ENT advised me to go!), and playing guitar with a friend. The Tinnitus became more and more reactive in in 2018 I developed hyperacusis playing guitar with a friend (wore custom earplugs, was absolutely surprised at how worse I got after).

Sudden unavoidable outdoor loud sounds like sirens, motorbikes, jackhammers, drills, exhausts etc also contributed massively to the decline. I've been housebound with my conditions for one year as my earplugs stopped protecting me as my conditions worsened. I now live in ear defenders, even at home, because I can't tolerate even ordinary sounds any more. I sleep in earplugs and must take meds to sleep, but even that isn't effective anymore and I keep waking up as the Tinnitus sound is now so loud it is simply the sound of death. As you can imagine, I have no quality of life. 4 Years ago, I could have flown to Pegasos in Switzerland and ended my life in a dignified way, but I decided to squeeze a few more years out of life, as I wasn't yet housebound then and I was able to go for short walks in quiet places. Now however, I cannot even tolerate a short car journey let alone a flight, and not even for very long.

The tinnitus is getting so loud I cannot think and giving me headaches. The Hyperacusis is getting even more collapsed so things like brushing my teeth and showering, even with ear protection, is extremely challenging. I have more recently, not been able to use my voice. It wasn't usuable without hearing protection for some years, but now even with hearing protection, the resonance of my normal speaking voice in my head has become too loud for my ears, and my Tinnitus gets much louder, so I have to whisper. I struggle to hear in ear defenders, so communication is now mainly via text.
As you can see my situation is absolutely dire, and I feel it's definitely time to exit this torture, misery and suffering.

Worth mentioning I lived a happy and free life before all these conditions destroyed everything. I was not clinically depressed or anything. I had depression now and then but it was ordinary sadness. I loved life, it is a gift. However, mine has become a nightmare of hellish proportions. No, I do not want to suffer anymore and live a life of isolation.

I want a peaceful method as possible. So far I have narrowed it down to two possible methods, which are:
1. Burn charcoal in a confined space, so die of Carbon Monoxide Poisoning (my only hesitation with this method is that some people who found others by this method said it didn't look very peaceful).
2. Helium Inhalation Method - Probably the most peaceful, but finding a the suicidal version of the exit bag with inlets for the tubing - has proved extremely difficult. I have found a source of Helium that I can purchase via canister legally in my home country. If anyone knows where I can buy the proper exit bags I would be very grateful!
I see the Sodium Nitrate method is gaining popularity but as I consider that method violent (strong convulsions) and it leaves a mess. (I don't want convulsions or to be found with black vomit everywhere!). That's not for me.

My life has become impossibly miserable and I want to end it as "clean" and "peaceful" as possible.

Appreciate any advices, especially on where to get such an exit bag for helium fixation.

Thank you!

T

 

[CravingPeace]

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say that your experience sounds absolutely terrifying. I'm so sorry you are going through this and hope you find the right peace.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

Hello,

A quick summary of my situation.

I suffer from Catastrophic Reactive Tinnitus (extremely loud, deafening, comes over all other sounds) and severe Hyperacusis (very collapsed tolerance to all sound) too. If you don't know what reactive Tinnitus is, it is the rare horrible kind which spikes (gets much louder) with most sounds. Hyperacusis is a collapsed tolerance of the volume of sounds, so everything sounds "too loud" and it can cause deep pain in the ear. The two conditions are absolute hell and are progressing. The Tinnitus started with a loud concert in 2005, and my symptoms gradually got worse and worse from further concerts with earplugs (ENT advised me to go!), and playing guitar with a friend. The Tinnitus became more and more reactive in in 2018 I developed hyperacusis playing guitar with a friend (wore custom earplugs, was absolutely surprised at how worse I got after).

Sudden unavoidable outdoor loud sounds like sirens, motorbikes, jackhammers, drills, exhausts etc also contributed massively to the decline. I've been housebound with my conditions for one year as my earplugs stopped protecting me as my conditions worsened. I now live in ear defenders, even at home, because I can't tolerate even ordinary sounds any more. I sleep in earplugs and must take meds to sleep, but even that isn't effective anymore and I keep waking up as the Tinnitus sound is now so loud it is simply the sound of death. As you can imagine, I have no quality of life. 4 Years ago, I could have flown to Pegasos in Switzerland and ended my life in a dignified way, but I decided to squeeze a few more years out of life, as I wasn't yet housebound then and I was able to go for short walks in quiet places. Now however, I cannot even tolerate a short car journey let alone a flight, and not even for very long.

The tinnitus is getting so loud I cannot think and giving me headaches. The Hyperacusis is getting even more collapsed so things like brushing my teeth and showering, even with ear protection, is extremely challenging. I have more recently, not been able to use my voice. It wasn't usuable without hearing protection for some years, but now even with hearing protection, the resonance of my normal speaking voice in my head has become too loud for my ears, and my Tinnitus gets much louder, so I have to whisper. I struggle to hear in ear defenders, so communication is now mainly via text.
As you can see my situation is absolutely dire, and I feel it's definitely time to exit this torture, misery and suffering.

Worth mentioning I lived a happy and free life before all these conditions destroyed everything. I was not clinically depressed or anything. I had depression now and then but it was ordinary sadness. I loved life, it is a gift. However, mine has become a nightmare of hellish proportions. No, I do not want to suffer anymore and live a life of isolation.

I want a peaceful method as possible. So far I have narrowed it down to two possible methods, which are:
1. Burn charcoal in a confined space, so die of Carbon Monoxide Poisoning (my only hesitation with this method is that some people who found others by this method said it didn't look very peaceful).
2. Helium Inhalation Method - Probably the most peaceful, but finding a the suicidal version of the exit bag with inlets for the tubing - has proved extremely difficult. I have found a source of Helium that I can purchase via canister legally in my home country. If anyone knows where I can buy the proper exit bags I would be very grateful!
I see the Sodium Nitrate method is gaining popularity but as I consider that method violent (strong convulsions) and it leaves a mess. (I don't want convulsions or to be found with black vomit everywhere!). That's not for me.

My life has become impossibly miserable and I want to end it as "clean" and "peaceful" as possible.

Appreciate any advices, especially on where to get such an exit bag for helium fixation.

Thank you!

T

no one can live like that, and few understand. I am so sorry you are suffering too, I hope you find the fastest way to a release from this hell as possible. I'm sorry this happened to you. Good luck. I am using SN with no other meds, only alcohol. I have forearms, but can't do that. I just hope it's over quick.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

CO can be peaceful. You need to get the level of CO up to 10000 ppm or more. This allows you to go unconscious quickly, reportedly within just a few breaths, so that death comes while unconscious. The best small space to do it in is probably a well sealed tent. One (18 pound US) bag of charcoal burning red hot should get the level that high as long as the tent is well sealed. A better way is to purchase a CO analyzer capable of measuring CO levels up to 10000 ppm to make sure you get the level that high. They cost about $300 US. Your body will show pink/red colored blotches, which may be why others who found bodies think it wasn't a peaceful death?

With inert gas (helium, nitrogen, argon) make sure the helium you buy is actually 100% helium. Air is often mixed with helium in a 20/80 ratio, and that won't work. People modify SCBA masks to accept a tube with various fittings. Some have used bags such as turkey cooking bags. There are threads here on SS that pretty much tell you what is needed and how to do it.

Before doing either CO or inert gas, I implore you to search out all the info you can find on either method and study/learn as much as possible about them.

In order to be able to search anything here, you need to get your post count up. There is a search function that will become available to you once you reach a certain number of post and have been active on the forum for a certain period of time. The easiest way to get your post count up is to read other people's threads and make comnents in them. You should get the search function when your post count reaches 20, maybe 30 posts.

 

[AAE]

Hello,

A quick summary of my situation.

I suffer from Catastrophic Reactive Tinnitus (extremely loud, deafening, comes over all other sounds) and severe Hyperacusis (very collapsed tolerance to all sound) too. If you don't know what reactive Tinnitus is, it is the rare horrible kind which spikes (gets much louder) with most sounds. Hyperacusis is a collapsed tolerance of the volume of sounds, so everything sounds "too loud" and it can cause deep pain in the ear. The two conditions are absolute hell and are progressing. The Tinnitus started with a loud concert in 2005, and my symptoms gradually got worse and worse from further concerts with earplugs (ENT advised me to go!), and playing guitar with a friend. The Tinnitus became more and more reactive in in 2018 I developed hyperacusis playing guitar with a friend (wore custom earplugs, was absolutely surprised at how worse I got after).

Sudden unavoidable outdoor loud sounds like sirens, motorbikes, jackhammers, drills, exhausts etc also contributed massively to the decline. I've been housebound with my conditions for one year as my earplugs stopped protecting me as my conditions worsened. I now live in ear defenders, even at home, because I can't tolerate even ordinary sounds any more. I sleep in earplugs and must take meds to sleep, but even that isn't effective anymore and I keep waking up as the Tinnitus sound is now so loud it is simply the sound of death. As you can imagine, I have no quality of life. 4 Years ago, I could have flown to Pegasos in Switzerland and ended my life in a dignified way, but I decided to squeeze a few more years out of life, as I wasn't yet housebound then and I was able to go for short walks in quiet places. Now however, I cannot even tolerate a short car journey let alone a flight, and not even for very long.

The tinnitus is getting so loud I cannot think and giving me headaches. The Hyperacusis is getting even more collapsed so things like brushing my teeth and showering, even with ear protection, is extremely challenging. I have more recently, not been able to use my voice. It wasn't usuable without hearing protection for some years, but now even with hearing protection, the resonance of my normal speaking voice in my head has become too loud for my ears, and my Tinnitus gets much louder, so I have to whisper. I struggle to hear in ear defenders, so communication is now mainly via text.
As you can see my situation is absolutely dire, and I feel it's definitely time to exit this torture, misery and suffering.

Worth mentioning I lived a happy and free life before all these conditions destroyed everything. I was not clinically depressed or anything. I had depression now and then but it was ordinary sadness. I loved life, it is a gift. However, mine has become a nightmare of hellish proportions. No, I do not want to suffer anymore and live a life of isolation.

I want a peaceful method as possible. So far I have narrowed it down to two possible methods, which are:
1. Burn charcoal in a confined space, so die of Carbon Monoxide Poisoning (my only hesitation with this method is that some people who found others by this method said it didn't look very peaceful).
2. Helium Inhalation Method - Probably the most peaceful, but finding a the suicidal version of the exit bag with inlets for the tubing - has proved extremely difficult. I have found a source of Helium that I can purchase via canister legally in my home country. If anyone knows where I can buy the proper exit bags I would be very grateful!
I see the Sodium Nitrate method is gaining popularity but as I consider that method violent (strong convulsions) and it leaves a mess. (I don't want convulsions or to be found with black vomit everywhere!). That's not for me.

My life has become impossibly miserable and I want to end it as "clean" and "peaceful" as possible.

Appreciate any advices, especially on where to get such an exit bag for helium fixation.

Thank you!

T

I just want to say that having similar issues (plus tons of other physical and mental disabilities) I understand just how hopeless you feel and it's truly not a worthy existence. I wish there existed some kind of support for this kind of suffering but nowadays everything seems only aimed for profit.

I send a gentle, quiet, warm hug and wish you find peace.

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה,
Wild, sorry to hear of the symptoms and suffering.
Don't have much to add on a clean exit, but any eustachian tube issues? Are the sleeping pills benzos or the very equivalent Ambien?

Off the top of my head vancomycin and some related antibiotics are known to be ototoxic and maybe some other meds are, but whether that improves or worsens tinnitus sounds like a gamble.

Have had moments of hyperacusis in benzo withdrawals but the whole situation is complex because go figure that used to provide some relief to eustachian tube troubles I didn't know would be annoying later.

Sounds like you've tried everything but any chance of Botox on the nerves?, although that'd be hearing loss but not sure it would help the tinnitus. If anything half forgotten comes to mind or turns up I'll come back to this one. I seem to remember a far for a relatively new tinnitus prescription may have come and gone in USA in the past decade but can't remember what the fuck it was or what the mechanism of action was.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrific what you have to go through, I see so much cruelty in how there's all this torture in existing but anyway I wish you the best, I hope that you find the freedom from suffering you search for.

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה, y'know, either I was tripping on the thought there was a medication pitched to the tinnitus problem or it's one of those things where maybe they had some off label thing for five minutes around 2017 or something else, nothing came up when searching. Doesn't help that I have deja vu about this entire thread.

Just going out on a limb here because patent (or labile?) eustachian tubes can really affect some of that internal voice echo along with bone conduction but you've probably been around the bush with that, maybe some kind of relief through that angle if competent doctors exist anymore. A related weird one is that if you're vegetarian / vegan, may have one weird trick for that if a sort of deficiency is causing some kind of ear and eustachian tube myasthenia sort of thing.

But yeah, that sucks. I do recall there's maybe some *device* stuff for tinnitus, either trying to match the tone as a therapy or maybe some noise-canceling related hardware to counteract internal ear resonances if it's something wild like that, but who has the tech all figured out and how to do it while having hyperacusis as painful as you say, I don't know.

Still going to see if any possible cures jump out at me.

 

[derekWest]

I see the Sodium Nitrate method is gaining popularity but as I consider that method violent (strong convulsions) and it leaves a mess. (I don't want convulsions or to be found with black vomit everywhere!). That's not for me.

Sodium nitrite NaNO2 (not nitrate)
.
I test inhalation of helium : it seem quite painless : convulsions (take some meds to avoid these), little euphoria...
Final Exit (movie) quite describe well the process. You can found it from tpb.

 

[Thorian7]

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say that your experience sounds absolutely terrifying. I'm so sorry you are going through this and hope you find the right peace.

CO can be peaceful. You need to get the level of CO up to 10000 ppm or more. This allows you to go unconscious quickly, reportedly within just a few breaths, so that death comes while unconscious. The best small space to do it in is probably a well sealed tent. One (18 pound US) bag of charcoal burning red hot should get the level that high as long as the tent is well sealed. A better way is to purchase a CO analyzer capable of measuring CO levels up to 10000 ppm to make sure you get the level that high. They cost about $300 US. Your body will show pink/red colored blotches, which may be why others who found bodies think it wasn't a peaceful death?

With inert gas (helium, nitrogen, argon) make sure the helium you buy is actually 100% helium. Air is often mixed with helium in a 20/80 ratio, and that won't work. People modify SCBA masks to accept a tube with various fittings. Some have used bags such as turkey cooking bags. There are threads here on SS that pretty much tell you what is needed and how to do it.

Before doing either CO or inert gas, I implore you to search out all the info you can find on either method and study/learn as much as possible about them.

In order to be able to search anything here, you need to get your post count up. There is a search function that will become available to you once you reach a certain number of post and have been active on the forum for a certain period of time. The easiest way to get your post count up is to read other people's threads and make comnents in them. You should get the search function when your post count reaches 20, maybe 30 posts.

I just want to say that having similar issues (plus tons of other physical and mental disabilities) I understand just how hopeless you feel and it's truly not a worthy existence. I wish there existed some kind of support for this kind of suffering but nowadays everything seems only aimed for profit.

I send a gentle, quiet, warm hug and wish you find peace.

ב''ה, y'know, either I was tripping on the thought there was a medication pitched to the tinnitus problem or it's one of those things where maybe they had some off label thing for five minutes around 2017 or something else, nothing came up when searching. Doesn't help that I have deja vu about this entire thread.

Just going out on a limb here because patent (or labile?) eustachian tubes can really affect some of that internal voice echo along with bone conduction but you've probably been around the bush with that, maybe some kind of relief through that angle if competent doctors exist anymore. A related weird one is that if you're vegetarian / vegan, may have one weird trick for that if a sort of deficiency is causing some kind of ear and eustachian tube myasthenia sort of thing.

But yeah, that sucks. I do recall there's maybe some *device* stuff for tinnitus, either trying to match the tone as a therapy or maybe some noise-canceling related hardware to counteract internal ear resonances if it's something wild like that, but who has the tech all figured out and how to do it while having hyperacusis as painful as you say, I don't know.

Still going to see if any possible cures jump out at me.

Sodium nitrite NaNO2 (not nitrate)
.
I test inhalation of helium : it seem quite painless : convulsions (take some meds to avoid these), little euphoria...
Final Exit (movie) quite describe well the process. You can found it from tpb.

Thanks for the replies all, I will try to get my posts up to search better here, but getting through the day is very difficult now so time isn't really on my side. Btw notreally bored, my conditions are extreme, I cannot use any of these bimodal devices for tinnitus, I can't be near to white noise or resonances. I cannot tolerate any sounds because my Tinnitus gets worse (due to the very low db threshold I now have from Hyperacusis). Sound is like air, it's literally everywhere, and it all makes me worse. I have noisy neighbours as well so I'm literally in ear defenders listening to intense feedback in my head all day 24/7. Feel like I am going insane. About CO poisonings, I once researched it years ago, and came across (by accident) an image of a famous male korean actor who had killed himself with this method in his car. He was on a stretcher. He was very pale, and dead, but he had a terrified expression on his face, like he was in pain or something. It was disturbing, poor guy. It put me off the method a bit. I wish it was easier to get hold of nembutal, or wish I had a friend who was a vet!

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה, yeah, this gets my "should be a fixable medical problem" hackles up and has me shouting at G-d, but I have weird haunted injurious stories around music too, so.. already did my ugh in sympathy.

If you want to list off meds and diet (just, generic omnivore or anything more restrictive) in private message or something, I have a lot of opinions about medication effects, but just hoping you find relief or peace somehow. That's like a would hope a TV show pays your bills and points you to a cure situation but I don't know if TV even really does that anymore, yikes.