Suicidal thoughts after "breakup"

[Jumpfreefall]

I've always struggled with anxiety and depression. Seldom mild, sometimes severe. Often concerning. Always draining. I've had a history of suicidal thoughts and tendencies, but that's all they've been up to this point. Anyhow, I had met the most beautiful woman, we would talk for hours. She was everything I yearned for, my second half. Although later on we became less of a 'couple'.. we were very close friends who had certain feelings toward one another, if that makes sense. This was fine, probably even better than having a label because we could just be ourselves. This went on for a number of months, and I've had some of the best times of my life with her.

It now appears to be over. She has blocked me on pretty much every contact platform, phone, internet, etc.
I know exactly why this happened, and it wasn't at all my doing (I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse). Anyhow, as being the only woman who I would dream literal dreams about, laugh and share times with is probably out of my life. This all happened pretty recently, so as a last resort to save our relationship I sent her a letter in the mail. I don't want to seem like a stalker or anything, so if she ignores the letter, then that is that.

I think if that happens though, and I never hear from her again, that would likely push me to catching the bus.
This is all very personal and it's something of an odd circumstance, and to make matters worse I;m always more depressed during the winter months every year. Is there any advice? I could never hurt my family that way, it would destroy them. However, this has destroyed me. Thoughts? And honestly I'm really just venting anyhow. This is the hardest I've been hit with anxiety, depression and overall dysphoria, and I want this nightmare to end. Everyday my heart pounds out of my chest, as I await her answer.

 

[N1KO]

Consider medicating with antidepressant? It sounds like the best solution for your situation.

 

[PerpetualPain]

I've always struggled with anxiety and depression. Seldom mild, sometimes severe. Often concerning. Always draining. I've had a history of suicidal thoughts and tendencies, but that's all they've been up to this point. Anyhow, I had met the most beautiful woman, we would talk for hours. She was everything I yearned for, my second half. Although later on we became less of a 'couple'.. we were very close friends who had certain feelings toward one another, if that makes sense. This was fine, probably even better than having a label because we could just be ourselves. This went on for a number of months, and I've had some of the best times of my life with her.

It now appears to be over. She has blocked me on pretty much every contact platform, phone, internet, etc.
I know exactly why this happened, and it wasn't at all my doing (I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse). Anyhow, as being the only woman who I would dream literal dreams about, laugh and share times with is probably out of my life. This all happened pretty recently, so as a last resort to save our relationship I sent her a letter in the mail. I don't want to seem like a stalker or anything, so if she ignores the letter, then that is that.

I think if that happens though, and I never hear from her again, that would likely push me to catching the bus.
This is all very personal and it's something of an odd circumstance, and to make matters worse I;m always more depressed during the winter months every year. Is there any advice? I could never hurt my family that way, it would destroy them. However, this has destroyed me. Thoughts? And honestly I'm really just venting anyhow. This is the hardest I've been hit with anxiety, depression and overall dysphoria, and I want this nightmare to end. Everyday my heart pounds out of my chest, as I await her answer.

Go read "The Rational Male" by Rollo Tomassi. That will give you some insight into intergender relations and female nature. You are all caught up on the "soul mate myth" and really acting like a weak beta. Learn these concepts and the world can be your oyster. There is no "one". There are some good one and some bad ones. Get working on some self improvement and develop an abundance mindset. There are plenty of women out there better than your ex and when you learn to behave like an alpha your options will become infinitely greater with women.

Also I know the emotional pain. Trust me I have been through many break ups. It hurts like hell right down to the core. The only thing that will heal this is time. And it will. It always does. Use the pain as motivation to improve yourself. You will be better for it in the end.

 

[StarryStarry]

I've always struggled with anxiety and depression. Seldom mild, sometimes severe. Often concerning. Always draining. I've had a history of suicidal thoughts and tendencies, but that's all they've been up to this point. Anyhow, I had met the most beautiful woman, we would talk for hours. She was everything I yearned for, my second half. Although later on we became less of a 'couple'.. we were very close friends who had certain feelings toward one another, if that makes sense. This was fine, probably even better than having a label because we could just be ourselves. This went on for a number of months, and I've had some of the best times of my life with her.

It now appears to be over. She has blocked me on pretty much every contact platform, phone, internet, etc.
I know exactly why this happened, and it wasn't at all my doing (I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse). Anyhow, as being the only woman who I would dream literal dreams about, laugh and share times with is probably out of my life. This all happened pretty recently, so as a last resort to save our relationship I sent her a letter in the mail. I don't want to seem like a stalker or anything, so if she ignores the letter, then that is that.

I think if that happens though, and I never hear from her again, that would likely push me to catching the bus.
This is all very personal and it's something of an odd circumstance, and to make matters worse I;m always more depressed during the winter months every year. Is there any advice? I could never hurt my family that way, it would destroy them. However, this has destroyed me. Thoughts? And honestly I'm really just venting anyhow. This is the hardest I've been hit with anxiety, depression and overall dysphoria, and I want this nightmare to end. Everyday my heart pounds out of my chest, as I await her answer.

I'm probably a lot older than most folks on this site. I can tell you from experience and lots of pain that if you care about someone and that person doesn't return your feelings, it's time to go. I know that sounds way easy and it's not. But your life is worth so much more than one person hurting you. Ironically, once someone hurts you, they move on, they don't think twice about the damage they've created. You sound like a great person who is worthy of being loved by someone who is sincere and true. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but through the years this is the truth I have found. Good luck and I wish you nothing but joy and love in your life.

 

[Jumpfreefall]

Consider medicating with antidepressant? It sounds like the best solution for your situation.

Anti-depressants often cause weight gain, and I will avoid that like the plague. I spent four months losing 70 pounds, I don't intend to gain it back. But if only there was some sort of temporary solution 'pill' so to speak. Xanax maybe? I don't know

 

[Kobusu]

I was suicidal before my relationship, and it's come back after. I think in truth I was using a relationship to distract from my suffering and my pain, by giving my all to someone else until I didn't have the time or energy to think about how much it hurt to live. I'm in the same boat, she's gone and done with me, and I can't blame her really. Things ended for a myriad of reasons, but I can't say I was at complete fault nor at no fault. It hurts, losing that person that was always there. It's always going to hurt I think. I don't know about you, maybe therapy might help you, but I'm not sure. I always said I was going to ctb when things ended, and I tried and failed a few times, and I still intend to now. I think you should try everything possible first, but all I can do is speak from my experience. Being in a similar situation, I don't know if I have any suggestions that'll help. I gave three years to this person, three years I hadn't initially intended to live. Maybe have hope? I'm not sure. I so very badly want to be reassuring, but I don't know if I can honestly do that. It's hard, it hurts. I'm ctbing so I guess I've come to my conclusion after trying everything. I wish you the best though. I hope you stay safe.

 

[Jumpfreefall]

I'm probably a lot older than most folks on this site. I can tell you from experience and lots of pain that if you care about someone and that person doesn't return your feelings, it's time to go. I know that sounds way easy and it's not. But your life is worth so much more than one person hurting you. Ironically, once someone hurts you, they move on, they don't think twice about the damage they've created. You sound like a great person who is worthy of being loved by someone who is sincere and true. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but through the years this is the truth I have found. Good luck and I wish you nothing but joy and love in your life.

You're probably right, only I don't really know that she 'doesn't return my feelings'.. she blocked me because my mom accused her of stealing money from me (false) and my mom told her not to contact me and to stay away. So as I said, this is the part that probably makes it worse; if my mom had minded her fucking business we'd still be seeing eachother.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I've never even been in a relationship but I'm very suicidal over my missed chances of relationships with a couple women I had become attracted to so. I imagine it must feel even more heartbreaking for you though so I can understand how it must feel. It's true what they say that time is the only way to let it properly heal. In my case, I've decided I've had enough of waiting decades due to impatience that I refuse to learn how to overcome. I can't say whether or not the same goes for you, only that it's natural to feel this way…

 

[StarryStarry]

You're probably right, only I don't really know that she 'doesn't return my feelings'.. she blocked me because my mom accused her of stealing money from me (false) and my mom told her not to contact me and to stay away. So as I said, this is the part that probably makes it worse; if my mom had minded her fucking business we'd still be seeing eachother.

If you are an adult (which I am hoping you are or you shouldn't be on this site), you can make up your own mind and your mother needs to step aside and support you in whatever decision(s) you make. That's why as parents we need to do a good job so that our kids can grow up and make decisions for themselves. Nothing against your Mom, just my opinion.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Living is very painful. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Sherri]

I'm sorry for your pain, I totally relate to you, I would say I tried to take my life 3 times because of a bad break up. It was really bad, even found photos of them hugging and kissing in bed on his laptop. My world crumbled that night, those pics still linger in my head, after he left, I tried to kill myself 3 times, 2 with pills, my housemate saw me and took me to the hospital where they pumped me with charcoal. The third one I tried to slit my wrists, ended with a huge scar on my arm. It's been 5 years I should have forgotten, I have a new bf. But for me he will always be my soulmate. I'm glad my bf is not reading this.