suicidal me vs hopeful me

[sickofbeinghere]

does anybody else relate to this?
I feel like I have two versions of me - the suicidal version and the hopeful version. I change between them very often every day and its really disorientating, exhausting and honestly ruining my life. I'll try my best to describe my experiences here.

Suicidal Version:
In one of these 'versions' or mindsets I am EXTREMELY suicidal, I make suicide attempts, make suicide plans, give stuff away, really genuinely believe I will be dead soon. agoraphobic and anxious and terrified. It's severely depressed with no goals or aspirations. Self hating, angry at the world, having PTSD flashbacks, unfocused, unable to connect with other people. Also extremely guilty for having these feelings because I know on a fundamental level it's hurting the people I love for me to express my suicidality, but it's a genuine suicidality and I feel like I should give them a chance to eat least say what they wanna say or do what they wanna do with me before I catch the bus.

Hopeful version:
the other version of me is very hopeful, sees my mental health as transient, a part of me but not me in it's entirety. I am able to focus, make music and art, actually motivated. I am genuinely happy, or at least "normal" and could even appear neurotypical as long as nothing triggers me... i can enjoy the things I do when Im feeling this way. But there's always a feeling in the back of my head... the knowledge that I'm going to be back at my suicidal version at some point. that's been draining the life force out of this 'hopeful' version of me more and more recently. yet i still do find myself back in this mindset.

So what fucking gives ? why am I living these two poles of life ? I switch between them multiple times a day, by the hour usually I am feeling entirely different. it makes it impossible to make ANY long term plans. I have to plan things based on how Im feeling in that moment. I also dissociate into a few different little personalities when I am EXTREMELY stressed (usually thats if im interaxting with a direct trigger like somebody abusing me etc), but this here is just describing my experience a majority of the time. I used to be my hopeful version a lot more often but recently I am becoming my suicidal version more often. this is a bit simplified as I do experience a lot of different symptoms.
my diagnoses are CPTSD, dissociative disorder, FND and severe depression

anyone relate? what helps u? am I doomed to be this way forever? nothing has worked so far. meds and therapy have made it worse so far. should I actually kms? am I even actually genuinely suicidal or is my head lying to me? I dont know which version of myself to believe. both are 100% real to me which is whats fucking me up, because theyre in opposition to each other. I feel like Im more than 1 person.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

I wish I had that otherside. I do have a positive side that is fighting hard lately. But I still can't focus worth reading a paragraph. It's a struggle these days reading a solitary sentence.

I'm glad though you can manage to focus enough and have motivation to do things.

Luckily recently, I discovered Camo (Camomile tea) well actually this "Calming" blend by Yogi. I drink around 4-6 cups a day. It seems to have created a brain fog in which I wont really think about much at all beyond being in the present. Makes me REALLY sleepy and kinda dazey. I LOVE IT.

 

[sickofbeinghere]

I wish I had that otherside. I do have a positive side that is fighting hard lately. But I still can't focus worth reading a paragraph. It's a struggle these days reading a solitary sentence.

I'm glad though you can manage to focus enough and have motivation to do things.

Luckily recently, I discovered Camo (Camomile tea) well actually this "Calming" blend by Yogi. I drink around 4-6 cups a day. It seems to have created a brain fog in which I wont really think about much at all beyond being in the present. Makes me REALLY sleepy and kinda dazey. I LOVE IT.

yea it must be awful to not have the side thats hopeful x.x its just so disorientating when I feel and experience both sides with full conviction, it almost negates feeling positive because its all gonna be wiped away in an hour, then reconstructed, then wiped away again... just cycling forever.

thats so great u have found something to manage your symptoms. i hope u can stay on the same trajectory and maybe find more ways of coping. <3

i relate to not being able to read a lot. the words bounce around on the page for me. I use text to speech which helps.

 

[sanction]

Probably most of our regular routines are similar to this:

MONDAY - if there is a god, please let me die
TUESDAY - honestly its worth giving life a 2nd chance
WEDNESDAY - where would be an ideal spot to hang myself
THURSDAY - there might be a chance of life improvement. Stay positive
FRIDAY - wonder what SN taste like if I drink it fast enough
SATURDAY - its time I get my life together, things can't keep staying like this
SUNDAY - should I point a toy gun at a cop so he can finish me?

 

[TeaPloom]

I resonate with this a lot and it's incredibly frustrating/prevents me from living and makes those close to me pretty frustrated too. It's so difficult to explain to people who've never struggled with suicidal thoughts/behaviors, wishing the best for you though.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I can relate to this… My feelings will oscillate hourly… Sometimes I will feel a little better but my life circumstances are still disastrous and essentially irrepairable

 

[sickofbeinghere]

I resonate with this a lot and it's incredibly frustrating/prevents me from living and makes those close to me pretty frustrated too. It's so difficult to explain to people who've never struggled with suicidal thoughts/behaviors, wishing the best for you though.

yeah, right?? how can u even live when going through this :( i just spoke to a helpline and they said it might be transitory cause I went through some traumatic stuff recently, but ive always been going thru trauma and I have no idea how to keep myself safe so :////// and im sick of waiting around waiting for this to be over... i dont know if it will ever end, me feeling this way. i feel so fucking unstable. i just want some rest. no wonder I crave drugs, sleep, distraction, art etc so bad. I just dont wanna be in this body any more

I can relate to this… My feelings will oscillate hourly… Sometimes I will feel a little better but my life circumstances are still disastrous and essentially irrepairable

im so sorry u feel this way about ur life. :( sending love and i hope u can find a way to feel better. sometimes gaming helps cus its like creating a new you in an avatar and distancing urself from reality. i know that sounds random and maybe unhealthy but it has actually really helped me with the feelings of my life being irrepairable

Probably most of our regular routines are similar to this:

MONDAY - if there is a god, please let me die
TUESDAY - honestly its worth giving life a 2nd chance
WEDNESDAY - where would be an ideal spot to hang myself
THURSDAY - there might be a chance of life improvement. Stay positive
FRIDAY - wonder what SN taste like if I drink it fast enough
SATURDAY - its time I get my life together, things can't keep staying like this
SUNDAY - should I point a toy gun at a cop so he can finish me?

auughhh i know right ?!?! its so fucking tough. for me its like that but every hour, or 3 hours, or half hour. even more rapid and not even really having a rhyme or reason. im so fucking exhausted. im sorry youre going through it too. hoping we can all get better from our mental illness and find some much-earned calm and peace in our lives.