Venting Suicidal ideation doesn't go away even when I'm doing "better"

[thatlatealready]

I put in some effort to get "better" after my last attempt. I've made some friends, I've been going out, I've been exercising. I'm no longer truly depressed (although it's likely to return, it always does), but every single day without fail I think about ending it. Sometimes it's distant and far off - a probable end to my life in maybe 20, 30 years. Other times it's a closer, darker, call from the void to put myself out of my misery immediately. Even when I'm objectively happy, I find myself wanting to end it.

I've made a pact with myself to give myself sometime before I attempt again. It's just until the end of this year, then I'll review and see how I feel. If things are still shit, it'll be curtains for me.

I'm taking a legitimate shot at getting an actual job and moving out. I've brushed up my CV and started volunteering. I've applied for several things too. To be honest, I didn't think I'd make it this far, so I've got no clue what to do with myself now, but I've got some idea of where I'd like to be heading.

It's an incredibly comforting that thought I don't have to take much more of this if I don't want to, that if things don't start truly going in a better direction I can finally call it quits at least knowing that I've really tried. It's surprisingly motivating to have an expiry date.

I still don't think I'll live to be old.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you would see having the option to leave as being a comfort, at least to me death certainly is the only relief. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[Nephis]

I put in some effort to get "better" after my last attempt. I've made some friends, I've been going out, I've been exercising. I'm no longer truly depressed (although it's likely to return, it always does), but every single day without fail I think about ending it. Sometimes it's distant and far off - a probable end to my life in maybe 20, 30 years. Other times it's a closer, darker, call from the void to put myself out of my misery immediately. Even when I'm objectively happy, I find myself wanting to end it.

I've made a pact with myself to give myself sometime before I attempt again. It's just until the end of this year, then I'll review and see how I feel. If things are still shit, it'll be curtains for me.

I'm taking a legitimate shot at getting an actual job and moving out. I've brushed up my CV and started volunteering. I've applied for several things too. To be honest, I didn't think I'd make it this far, so I've got no clue what to do with myself now, but I've got some idea of where I'd like to be heading.

It's an incredibly comforting that I don't have to take much more of this if I don't want to, that if things don't start truly going in a better direction I can finally call it quits at least knowing that I've really tried. It's surprisingly motivating to have an expiry date.

I still don't think I'll live to be old.

You have yet hope, I will hope for you as well, for you I hope that perhaps it all does get better, that you are able to be happy, I hope that life yet gives you a chance to be happy.

If not then I hope you will find that happiness or relief at the shores.

~I hope for you, peace