suicidal grief is terrible because there is no hope of it getting better

[nembutal]

its been a month and three weeks since my ex boyfriend died of an accidental drug od. he was 18. what helped me stop driving me off the edge is knowing that our relationship may not have succeeded if he were still alive, and that i can move on as if he were just a friend. this isnt true and i still love him. what makes me hopelessly suicidal is the fact that i didnt fight harder for him. i didnt kill him but i certainly didnt help. the constant thoughts of wondering why we didnt switch places, why i didnt force him into treatment, etc. i could have SEEN him a final time before he died but the breakup was still fresh and i was too angry to meet him. i was literally a block away from his dorm. there were so many red flags during our last few interactions that i wish i had seen sooner. i sent him a text that word for word said "tell your parents, they would rather you tell them than be dead." FUCK. i NEVER took it as seriously as i should have. WE BOTH THOUGHT WE WERE INVINCIBLE. WE BOTH THOUGHT WE WOULD MAKE IT OUT TOGETHER. two weeks later he was dead.

he was the one who introduced me to heroin, how could i logically blame myself? most of my friends disliked some of his behavior towards me and knew i heavily romanticized the best parts of him, which continues even in his absence. the harder i try to make myself angry at him the more i forgive him for every tiny mistake and just wanting him. back. im not coping well. i relapsed disgustingly hard into bulimia and gained weight which has led me to spiral into self hatred. i calm myself down by saying i can continue as long as i can find an adequate replacement but it does not exist. i try to turn the pain into anger but i cant force it. i think ive lost my last chance at a life with someone at 20 years old, that he was so important to my future that i cant move on without him. during my worst spirals i tell myself that the only thing that would genuinely help me would be to see him, and because that is impossible, i should kill myself now instead of gaining more weight and inevitably dying feeling guilty and unhappy.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really painful what you have to go through and it must be hard to deal with. There certainly does seem to be no real relief from suffering in this cruel world.