Venting Sugar’s Open Diary

[sugarb]

12:37 AM

Been thinking a bit about my brother.

I'm pretty much his best friend. He's not as much of a "funny guy" as I am by any means; he's often standoffish and cranky and glares at people when in public. I love him to death and he can be funny and sweet but he's not one tenth as good at casual social interaction as I am. And I'm an idiot who just makes dumb jokes.

I don't know how he's gonna make friends after I die. I don't want him to be lonely- I desperately don't want him to be lonely. I want to hug him. But like I said he's rough and can be cold. He wouldn't tell me or dad he was upset in a million years. I can't remember the last time I saw ot heard him cry. Is he like me on the inside? Crumbling? I hope not. He's sixteen, so maybe he just isn't conceptualizing it like I am now. I didn't at his age.

He very well might kill himself after I do. Fall into the mental clusterfuck I have, whatever it is. Anhedonia, disassociation, crying alone at night, anxiety. I'm almost certain he's on the spectrum like me. Probably a lot less on the ADHD side, though.

It's selfish of me to think of pulling the ladder up after me, but I want him to live happily. He's been my best friend since he was like 2-4 (he was kinda boring before that lol), which is over a decade even now. He's been my playmate every day forever and I love him so much.

I hope when he reads my diaries (including this one) he knows how much I wanted him to live and how much I loved him. That I was always impressed by how smart he was, and that he was dear to me in every way that mattered.

For when you read this: I love you. You were my first best friend, gave me my best memories, and you'll always be my brother.

-

I cried a bit writing that but oddly enough I'm not upset. Yearning, maybe? I'm always dreaming of things that feel close. Maybe when I pull that trigger I'll wake up in an eternal place that really feels like home. As if I'd just gone on a long trek; a great adventure, a wonderful painful exhausting exhilarating journey into another world. A million names, places, thoughts, codes, philosophies, truths, lies; war, death, love, plague, fellowship; an epic. A story.

And at last I walk up to that door, open it up, kick off my shoes, and sleep. Sleep a long, long time; maybe a hundred years.

Then wake up, breathe a sigh of relief, and rest. Be at peace with a still mind. Dodder around an unfamiliarly familiar kitchen, fix a meal, and eat. My grandfather, his dog, and my great-grandparents will come by to see me, and we'll all eat, too.

And some day the rest of my family will come to me. They'll have missed me. Maybe they'll be angry. But we'll hug, and we'll hold one another, and none of it will matter.

That's how I think Heaven must be, anyway.

-

I suppose what my soul needs is a calling. Prior generations had their great war, great depression- battles of the material. The modern man's struggle is a battle for the soul. I think for me death is fated, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I believe in a Heaven on earth for my brother, mother, father, family, friends. I believe in that in this moment, however stupid it is.

Gonna take a breather outside. And pee. Then idk. Drink water ig

1:14 AM

 

[sugarb]

8:51 PM

Things are pretty good. Mostly

I pulled my back weird yesterday messing around with my brother and I couldn't really move without pain for a few hours until I fell asleep. We joked about it and I laughed a lot, hung out with family, it was nice. I also got fanart of a chatbot I made from a friend which was really cool!

I made a new friend today, too. Which was cool

Also yesterday I went on a practice drive with my mom for about 40 minutes, it went well.

Also of note- I'm super ahead on my schoolwork, so I'm really chill. it's nice. And I did some math and determined I only need about 45% on midterm/final for a 70% in one course and only a 35% in another. Assuming my avg in other classes remains stagnant, anyway. So- I'm actually doing pretty decently well. I have been not paying super close attention in one of those classes though so, uh- might fail regardless. Which would be quite bad.

I'm hoping to buy two new games- SOMA and Space Marine 2. I've heard good things about the latter from a friend. Also, I've been playing Metro 2033 since Control doesn't work at the other house. It's fun, but not perfect. Could've been a lot better with some changes tbh.

Also- the fence at my moms was being replaced and I got to see how the backyard would look if it just opened the into the street. It was surreal and again made me yearn for the plains.

I forgot to finish and post this, thus the time stamp below being weirdly far from the first.

10:22 PM

 

[sugarb]

8:14 PM

Been a few days since my last update; I just haven't felt much need to write here, I guess. What's there to say on a daily basis, really? I have a mood cycle, then- and only sometimes- things happen. Whatcha gonna do.

Anyway

Things have alternated between good and mediocre for the most part, occasionally getting into "bad" territory, which sucks. Sometimes I sink into anger at the world or self hatred, other times everything's like some strange dream. That's just how it is, I guess.

It'd be cool if I could just think and have things be written just like that, but that's not how it works, unfortunately. I just don't care enough about any of my ideas or characters to really flesh them out or give them life. How can I possibly care about putting time, effort, and passion into creating characters and worlds that make sense and are high quality when there's no benefit and I don't even care about the world I actually inhabit? When I'm not even interested in a future for myself, in LIVING, how can I possibly want to spend a long time perfecting something? I can't. So I just… stew in discontent.

My imagination is just- wrong, insufficient, not enough, and for someone who lives in their own head that's just plain torture. I want so badly for things to be better, to be beyond what I can imagine and impress me! Really impress me. Shock me, even. Intrigue me.

I can't live happily without curiosity, I guess. When the world stopped intriguing me I stopped wanting to be here, and all that was left was the discomfort and misery of it all. I lost the spark of wanting to see tomorrow.

-

I'm going on a walk now. Gonna do work later.

8:34 PM

 

[sugarb]

3:46 AM

Couldn't sleep. Ended up doing no work, either. I can't fucking do this right now. I hate that my request to withdraw from a class or two was just faux-indulged and then pushed aside by heel dragging until it wasn't an option anymore. That makes me angry. Why is maximum efficiency and pushing me as far as I can probably go without breaking down always the go-to? Why can't I just get some slack instead of being pulled as tight as I can possibly go with every fucking time?

I understand the thought process but come on. I'm already half a year into my 4 years from my concurrent classes last year, dropping one class wouldn't have been the end of the world at all. I'm almost definitely going to bomb this midterm in two weeks. Rghh.

I'm tired and feel like crap but can't sleep. My teeth feel weird in my mouth. I don't want to get braces again. I refuse to get braces again.

-

I hate feeling like a loser and a weirdo. I wish I could divorce myself from social expectations and exist without this pervasive sense of "ugh". I'm developing a fear of others, maybe a hatred. When I was walking (after dark) two people came up behind me a few yards away and I jumped. I felt like a wild animal. What causes this? There's this massive, massive divide between me and everyone else. Everything's cold, cold.

I've begun to realize- I could never publish writing, or poems, or music with lyrics by me, etc. I am afraid of being seen, understood, and then rejected as perverse or evil.

I'm gonna try to sleep again. Gn

4;09 AM

 

[sugarb]

1:51 AM

Been working. It's gonna be a busy week since I'm trying to cram all of this week and the next's work into one week. Then next week I'll just study, study, study for those midterms because I've been skimping a lot on actually reading the material for the last eight weeks. I'm extremely depressed, aimless, and suicidal so it's not exactly surprising that I'm just limping through my classes heavily using chatgpt. I wanted to back out of one of the stupid classes for a reason and now it's too late.

I've been doing it for all of them but out of my 4 classes in accounting and stats I actually have proper midterms/finals and I've been skimping especially hard in stats. Why would I read the material when I really don't care? I just want to do well enough my parents don't notice I'm suicidal and do something annoying or inconvenience me with a school counselor or a tutor. Or worse, drop out and have to get a job. I really really don't want to get a job. If my license takes longer than expected I'd be stuck in purgatory. I wouldn't even have the buffer of education

Today marks 130 days since I first thought about skipping to the end of my life and 102 days since I joined this site; 130 days is a bit over a third of a year, or roughly 4.4 months. And I've been at least subconsciously suicidal since I was 17 (or maybe it was 18) when I read Darkness Visible and cried about it.

I've been a loner a long time. Always playing with rocks and bugs and sticks away from the other kids. Wandering off. I remember a few years ago I walked five miles in the middle of the night so I didn't have to stay at an overnight camp. As a kid I climbed a neighbor's fence and hid in a furnace to avoid going to school. I loved hide and seek, contorting into little places. So maybe I'm meant to wander off, never to be seen again. To hide away and sink into the earth. It's what I've been doing for so long it just seems natural, I suppose.

Anyway- I'm off to finish some work and have some fun chatting with people on disc. Goodnight, Sasu.

2:50 AM

 

[sugarb]

3:09 AM

The body count's just going to keep going up unless something changes. Law, culture, the world, maybe humanity itself.
Until these become real respected front page issues and not just niche things nobody cares about and/or that people openly mock, things are going to get worse. Because the problems aren't going away. So unless something changes- the body count's going up.

-

Goodnight. Lots of work tomorrow.

3:18 AM

 

[LaVieEnRose]

So have you decided to just kind of stay the course in life for now?

 

[sugarb]

So have you decided to just kind of stay the course in life for now?

Yeah. There's just not much I can do to speed up getting a gun since I'm pretty dead set on not taking any risks with this and not being in school would make my life harder. And they wouldn't let me, anyway.

 

[sugarb]

11:55 PM

I thought the assignment I scheduled to do today would take longer, but no, it was really easy. Nobody else had even posted. All I've got to do is post two replies once other people actually make their posts. And tomorrow night (I guess just "tonight" since it's 12:10 now lol) I just need to make a quick post. Then I'm going to review for my tests on next Monday and on Wednesday all week. 7 days to go over 7 modules of content for 2 classes. So, two modules per week. I slacked on both courses but on one I really just BARELY learned anything at all and used ChatGPT for pretty much everything. For the other I do actually know a good chunk of the content but there's definitely more than a little to learn and remember before the test. It's 52 multiple choice questions in 50 minutes apparently so I have to work fast and accurate. For the other I'm basically starting from scratch in terms of learning so I really need to figure all this out. Ugh

anyway

Everything's boring, blah blah blah. I hate that I have to struggle grind and plan over college stuff while I'm having the biggest mental health crisis of my life, it's just ridiculous.

Today's national sons day, I believe. my mom said she loves me. I love you too, mom.

Yesterday I stepped on a fire ant hill and they got all over my feet, biting me up all nasty. It sucked. Still sucks today.

Church is tomorrow. Through a mixture of chance and deliberate avoidance I haven't been in like three months. Not looking forward to it, never have before and I'm obviously not gonna start now.

I keep seeing flaws and imperfections in media. I hate it so much. This crippling awareness of things coupled with the inability to vocalize the Very Important Thoughts I have about them.

If I could explain everything I see in my head and depict it I'd be so much happier. Like, uh-

Immense mixed media superfiction. Fiction that is large in scale, goes on for a while, delves into many different facets of the world, has a mixture of writing, comic format, short and long form animation both 3d and 2d, live action, music, sfx, etc etc etc.

I don't know jackshit about Homestuck but I've heard it described as "macro fiction" so mb that's what I'm thinking of.

But like idk. urghhh. Meticulous planning is very lacking in most fiction i feel

Something I'm impressed by is Person of Interest's plot building up how it does. That's masterful, imo. It is not a perfect show sadly but it does that very very well

 

[sugarb]

6:52 AM

Didn't sleep.

I just want out, to cut it all away.

-

Given that:

1. I have a number of problems that cause me distress, misery, pain, etc.
2. Several are very difficult (if not impossible) to fix.
3. I want the discomfort to end.
4. Dying will (assumedly) remove both my current pain and any possibility of ever feeling pain again.
5. I (assumedly) won't witness or experience the effect of my death on others.
6. Killing myself doesn't have any negative consequences beyond lost opportunity to experience good things and hurting others.
7. Whether those good things are worth it is arbitrary; if I experience those good things and then die, nothing actually changes. I just improve my life somewhat before eventually dying anyway.
8. Since I assumedly won't experience the consequences and harm that my death has on others, I don't have to deal with it.

So- there's no real logic against dying. In all circumstances it is a net neutral or net positive for the person passing. If anyone on earth died right this moment, they themselves would not be harmed; they only lose opportunity for good things, which they won't care about due to no longer existing.

There's no logic for living beyond simply being ok with pain and wanting to exist for whatever reason. Obligation and fear cannot keep someone alive.

That's my two cents. anyway.

Fell asleep mid writing, thus the odd timestamp.

2:49 PM

 

[PlannedforPeru]

I hope you are doing alright, I wanted to ask something a little weird but how are you able to reply to yourself without the new post just being added to the previous one?

Edit: Nevermind on the question, I found out. I did want to thank you for being so open though about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. You've emboldened me to share my own.

 

[sugarb]

I hope you are doing alright, I wanted to ask something a little weird but how are you able to reply to yourself without the new post just being added to the previous one?

Edit: Nevermind on the question, I found out. I did want to thank you for being so open though about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. You've emboldened me to share my own.

Thank you, I'm ok atm. I'm glad you figured out how to do it
and I'm glad my ramblings had a good effect on someone. I hope you're doing well too!

 

[sugarb]

12:20 PM

Got caught taking a walk on the backyard cameras. I knew this was going to happen, grr. Nothing bad appears to have come of it thankfully. But ig I'll see tomorrow.

I didn't do any studying today. just too bored/depressed. I'd scheduled to do studying for 1 unit in each class every day but now I need to do 2 in each for today for a total of 4. Woopee! Midterms in six days. Not looking forward to it at all. Specifically the business stats one since I barely know any material at all, but the accounting one is gonna be rough too. :(

Forgot to mention this earlier but I finally officially broke up with my gf a few days ago, we've spoken all of 50 minutes over the last 2-3 months so I've known it was doomed for a while and got over it. It had some good to it and she made me happy at times, but I'd somewhat lost interest in any kind of relationship and it was an Ldr, so not like there was a ton of investment. Also she had a habit of being overly flirty with other people and pouting when called out, which I didn't care for. Not that I was perfect, lol. Anyone reading this knows that

so yeah not looking forward to midterms but I hope they go well. As is I do still only really need like 50% or under on the midterms/finals in each of those two classes to pass so it's not all that grim but it's stressful yk

Anywho, gn sasu.

1:37 AM

 

[sugarb]

5:47 AM

Ended up not sleeping. rggh

7:19 AM

 

[sugarb]

1:28 PM

It's been four months and eighteen days since I first wrote the words "maybe I should skip to the end" in my diary. ie; I've been consciously suicidal and thinking about it for four months now. a third of a year, roughly. Funny to think that my life could end so neatly, becoming consciously suicidal just before my 19th birthday then killing myself on the 20th- in 2025. Exactly 20 years, wouldn't that'd be something?

—
A month or two ago I wrote the following in this diary:

"I've been thinking about one of the places in my head again. The perfect place.

The scattered sky, sunbeams hefting the great grey mess up over the endless plains.

A circular plaza, tile and concrete, with 24 tall pillars of stone spaced even around it. I kneel in the center, on a black marble disk, as bell tones insulate my mind.

My feet planted atop a great white tower, square and tapering and built of strong solid brick, as I stare out over an ocean with the wind in my face. It is an obelisk for all time.

Wrestling with a great big shaggy dog on a fur mat by a roaring fireplace with the taste of good meat on my tongue. I'm seven years old.

Crouched on the edge of a pillar with wings tucked behind me and nails click-click-clicking in time with their heartbeats. In a moment I'm on them, tearing and clawing.
Wandering the halls of the last library, walking ten thousand steps to "E" and picking shelf 564, place 10,000. The book there captures me, holds me, and I hold it also. It tells me of a sea captain, his tortoise, and the dragon he loved. I'll never find it again.

Clutched in the dirty hands of a young American girl, I mewl so pathetically. I was born two months to the day but still want mother. I have a new one, but she's rowdy. I'll run in the chicken seed in a year's time."

It probably didn't make any sense to those who read it, but to explain-
It's a mixture of odd memories / visions / dreams / wishes I sort of have and just stuff I wrote as a sort of artsy "I was bored so i just wrote stuff" type thing.

1. Describing the sky of the place I imagine
2. Imagining a calm, beautiful place
3. Imaging an existence by the ocean on a huge white tower that goes on forever
4. An imagined memory of a childhood I didn't have; roughhousing with a dog by a fireplace after a meal.
5. An imagined memory of myself as some sort of bird or other winged, clawed predator
6. A dream of an infinite library with incredible, captivating books. the book description itself was randomly added in
7. An imagined memory of being a young girl's whiny pet kitten on a farm.

I have imagined memories of other lives often. They feel more real.

I've been missing childhood a lot, I think.

-

kinda just really really really wanna die already ngl.
Also I want to write a story. Just one! Just to, yk, see if I can actually finish a plot. But I'm paralyzed by the fear of making something shitty and/or offensive on accident
as said previously at the beginning of this paragraph I really really wanna die already

oh also midterms on monday and wednesday woo fucking hoo

2:06 PM

 

[sugarb]

10:22 PM

I had someone who really liked the stories I told in the bots I make DM me today. It was really nice. I just blabbered about my poorly thought out lore and gave them advice about making bots for like three hours. it was wonderful to be honest

anyway

I often feel like I'm not a writer or a creative at all because it's not going anywhere, if that makes sense. I don't write stories like how a real writer does, I guess is the feeling. Not for lack of trying. But like- the lore I write has these vast gaping holes. What happened between these dates? The power system doesn't make sense. Etc. And then if I was actually asked to write a character, and not just a shape with words tacked on? or an arc, or a coherent plotline, and then explore and execute it? jesus christ! I've no fucking clue

I have friends who are artists (visual kind) and writers who think I'm good at what I do, I guess. But I don't satisfy myself. I've such a toxic creative mindset.

Hilarious that all I can do as I'm in the deepest depressive rut of my life on the night before my first midterm (it's in about 19 hours) is… whine about my artistic inferiority complex. Wompy womp.

If I wasn't making chatbots, I think I'd be making text CYOA games.

I got curious and googled it and there's actually something interesting goin on here! ohoho. It's called Twine. I'm gonna try it later

but anyway

And if I wasn't doing that, I think I might be writing CYOA stuff nondigitally.

I think maybe I'm just overly greedy with these things. I want multiple endings to my stories! Blagh!

idk. I think I just formed a new hyperfixation potentially lmao

well anyway. I just hope it goes well. I haven't studied enough or learned the course material well enough so it's not like I deserve to get lucky here but I just… really hope I do.

anyway, bye sasu

11:17 PM

 

[sugarb]

2:22 AM

The midterm went worse than I'd hoped but better than the minimum. 60%. For context, to pass the class with a C given that score all I need to do is retain the percentages I have in my coursework, do the final project and get at least a 60 or so, and get a 50% on the final test. The 50% on the final is kinda what I'm expecting to happen but I should get at least an 80 or 90 on the project unless I screw up bad.

I was late to the midterm, so I got there stressed. and the stuff they covered- it wasn't really what I'd been expecting, I guess. it didn't make much sense. idk if i'll even be able to do well on the final
-
fell asleep writing.

12:24 PM

 

[sugarb]

6:20 PM

I haven't done any studying for the second midterm tomorrow yet. I know I need to but literally fucking how am I supposed to want to do that when I'm in a mood to blow my brains out at every hour of the day?

I wrote a bunch yesterday but didn't post. About bad thoughts, suppressed rage. And pain, and self loathing over my creative failures

I've been having in depth thoughts of extreme violence. Last night I wrote about how it made me cry thinking about it, how scary it was, how I felt like the old me was dying and slipping away forever.
Today, I feel as if I am becoming exactly what I was worried about. A dead eyed murderous freak with no emotion other than vague radiating anger and despair.
Normally I'm just a threat to myself, but I honestly think if I had a gun in my hand at this moment and someone said something rude to me I would just kill them. I'm so disassociated I think I could watch a human head explode and feel absolutely nothing.
I've so many reasons to kill myself ASAP already, but this is one that's growing daily. I'm becoming a danger to others. And I'm afraid that if I don't turn a gun on myself soon I might turn it on someone else or many other people. blindly lash out at the world.

I know it's wrong, obviously. It's evil to inflict harm on other people when it's not in self defense. and it's not as if there'd be a purpose to it.

I'm just getting angrier and angrier while simultaneously growing more and more detached and cold. Dead-eyed, like I said. Looking at my eyes in a mirror there's nothing there at all but just flesh. Flesh. Not my eyes, not something that portrays feeling. The eyes of a dead person.

What was the point of studying, working hard, making good grades, pleasing people, trying to be fit and eat right, trying to be respectful and friendly towards everyone, etc etc etc if it just landed me here? Extremely depressed and actively suicidal along with plenty of other mental issues, zero connection to anyone around me, constantly wearing a mask to hide my pain, anger, misery, bitterness, and dark thoughts in social interactions even on this website- I have nothing. If I'd've been orphaned as a child, had no siblings, and was unemployed and living by myself in a dark, dilapidated apartment- I honestly don't think my feelings at this moment would be any worse.

I just want to die. I literally just want what everyone gets eventually, what like 56 million get every year, what 1-3 people get literally every second. Why can't I be one of those 1-3? Why can't the universe do me and someone who actually wants to live a solid and switch our fates? doesn't even have to be my preferred method in my preferred place. give me a freak brain aneurysm, even. Just let me die.

but that's pointless to think about I guess. I need to get my stupid license but again, we've been taking for-fucking-ever in between drive times. So nothing's sticking. i'm scared I'm not gonna make my date (7/29, after a three hour drive) and I won't get to kill myself until 2026 or 27 or 28 or even further. terrifying to think about

there is no place I can talk. there is no way I can describe. sympathy and understanding are not reciprocated. constant fear

i'm so tired of being this. and I'm scared of becoming something worse. I just want to die. crying again now. I'm cold

7:03 PM

 

[sugarb]

9:51 PM

I feel a lot better after a shower and talking to a friend.

I think I'm just stressed about tomorrow. idk

I'm making a promise to myself to stay away from the things/sites/thoughts that make me upset and make my day worse, starting today. I'm going to keep to the pure things and what gives me good feelings and deny my more self destructive curiosity.

my options really are either
1. actively make it worse by filling my head with negativity, or
2. not intentionally filling my head with negativity

I'm still going to be depressed and suicidal, and I'm not ditching this diary, but right now I feel so much lighter and happier as compared to how I felt 2-3 hours ago. Now I'm not desperate for a bullet. Still suicidal, still would pull the trigger if I had a gun on hand, but… not extremely miserable, not like it was earlier. I'm ok. more accepting of reality, less hazy and dark. Not so hung up about my loserdom. Nihilism and absurdism are a spectrum

I'm glad I've kept this diary. I probably wouldn't have seen this pattern without it.

I hope my midterm tomorrow goes well. im gonna try studying.

10:14 PM

 

[sugarb]

10:58 PM

Didn't do incredible on it but it doesn't matter. Well enough to pass the class with a C, that's all that matters.

been rockin to some sweet tunes, maiden, pumpkins, motorhead. And working on the CYOA.

i'm just really glad both tests are over, regardless of how I did on them. it would've been cool to get a 80-90% on both so I'd be completely free of stress for the coming weeks but i'm far from doomed at least.

well anyway bye sasu

12:00 AM

 

[sugarb]

4:13 PM

all is well. I need to do some work tonight though. project thing, blegh

i've already said this before but the main thing that bothers me about being a virgin is just that it puts you in the weirdo loser box and people will make fun of you for it. like i get horny and stuff but I'm extremely antisocial (asocial? whatever) and the idea of devoting time/effort to pleasing someone else sexually just isn't appealing. like unless it's with a (consenting) kinda detached / not fully there person who doesn't care if i stay go or please them I don't want to if that makes sense.

semi related but I get anxiety about writing outside my comfort zone and dealing with more delicate topics like politics, social things, gender, etc or trying to draw specifically because I'm afraid I'll do something offensive on accident and/or my weirdness will come out and then people won't like me anymore and/or it'll just suck.

like for example i was trying to write a story about a battered genetically engineered catgirl bangmaid (title was going to be "Tragedy of the Genetically Engineered Catgirl Bangmaid" or adjacent) as a comedy/romance/commentary on how people don't see each other as people in relationships sometimes and have unrealistic expectations. in this case the other main character, someone who bought them. and the plot was something along the lines of them realizing "hey you're a full person too I should be having you as a partner/friend not a bangmaid. also we should probably do something about the corporation that owns your genetic code so they don't repossess and kill you before the courts give you human rights"

but then i got up in my head that it was offensive/cringe and therefore I shouldn't do it because I might mishandle it somehow, god forbid the 9 or 3000 people on ao3 who see it take issue with my first attempt at writing a full story literally ever right

jesus fucking christ

I just want to live free without this fear and I wish people weren't so intimidating sometimes. I get jealous of some people i know because they're unabashedly horny/cringe yet feel a peg higher on the hierarchy because they have less to hide. they're not like me, stunted angry scared and frazzled. That's actually part of why i dropped out of a writing class i started taking 2 years ago. i was scared of writing something offensive if it wasn't some objective, cold, utterly detached essay. I hate that I'm good at that, being robotic and having no real mooring. it works well in argumentative writing but in stories it's like trying to build a house of cards on a dinghy in a typhoon. i have no base, no attachment to my characters. it sucks

oh and that anxiety is paradoxical lol because of my next point

im increasingly not seeing other people as people. I see meat moving bones around. Like… I don't see the whole, just the pieces. I see how people's brains work, including my own. I'm no different, just my mixture of instinct, learned traits and pure chance have led me to seeing that we're all just bodies. Talking bodies

I wish i had an identity that gave me some shielding against being called a loser lol. loserdom/inceldom is a uniquely cis (het for point 2) man thing. i'd obviously have other issues if i was a chick or gay but I don't really give a fuck about being discriminated against for my race/gender as is so it might be better

or better yet if i was just fully aroace. If i could confidently say I have never and will never have interest in sex. but i'd probably get up in my head abt that too

honestly i'd probably be tearing myself apart like this no matter my demographic

but whatever. i need to work

4:43 PM

 

[sugarb]

2:11 AM

did the work, woot

I often feel like a coyote, I'm realizing

2:14 AM

 

[sugarb]

3:32 AM

I am not a very good person, just in case whoever's reading this was not aware. I'm afraid that there is a sort of inherent, strange, ever lingering icy violence about me. Normal and/or nice people do not think the way I do. My friends don't think the way I do. My fellow autistics do not think the way I do. not to be edgy (it obviously is but pretend it's not and humor me)!but I have a darkness in me. It's very unpleasant and ugly. That's what I meant by coyote, if that makes sense. I only feel like myself, by myself. And my real self is odd and vaguely predatory. I don't think good people think about hurting others this much. That's why I'm so antisocial, why I do the things I do. Why I feel like a creature.

And another tendency of my brain's- bitterness, hate. Fear, anxiety, too. And the hollow feeling.

I was thinking and I believe I have been disassociating upwards of 90% of the time for several years, possibly since I was around 6 or 7 years old. I'm very very very rarely really here in the moment with people. With anything.

Maybe that's what causes it. When you feel nothing, all the emotion goes in a great big storage bin, and if you don't use it it festers. And as it rots it twists, turning into these thoughts and feelings of very bad things.

^ wrote the above a few days ago, forgot to post ig

anyway

this isn't something I bring up and given how popular drug use is on here, both recreational and for the purpose of suicide, it's probably unpopular, but

If I'm being honest, I loathe drugs and quite often the people who use them. Like, I've been friends with a stoner or too and they're nice people, my dad drinks on occasion, some people who've fed me vaped, etc, but it doesn't change my feeling. I don't think anything of value at all would be lost if all recreational drugs were wiped off the face of the earth. To be more precise in my feelings- I hate to be around drugs and drug users and often find them annoying. I respect their decision and all and I don't want them put in prison or anything but I find them and what they do disgusting

I will never voluntarily spend time around anyone who's actively using drugs. I will never go to a bar. If I went to a wedding and somebody started smoking, I would at minimum go outside. I despise smoking, as well.

This hatred has three parts

1. How they remove humanity.

They turn people into zombies, psychos, drooling idiots, mindless horndogs, etc. It disgusts me to see someone voluntarily destroy their ability to reason and think coherently in exchange for some pleasure or whatever, even if it's only temporary and has no horrific effects on one's health, which it often does. To me someone drinking looks like "yes, I'm comfortable getting a partial lobotomy that lowers my brain functioning about as much as not sleeping for 24 hours for an hour or too. I want the funny tingles teehee!" Like- what the fuck is wrong with you? I get that I'm not a super reliable source on mental stability being a (possibly schizoid) anhedonic suicidal autistic teenager but outside of things like your leg getting chopped off and needing relief or having some other source of physical pain you don't need drugs lmao

2. How they effect others.

Car crashes, domestic abuse, theft, murder, general havoc, being a public nuisance, deforming babies in the womb, etc. Drugs (and I count alcohol. Hate especially.) are abhorrent.

They've personally affected me in several ways-

- Missed out on time I could've spent with my father because he drank and couldn't drive home.
- Lung cancer in part caused by smoking killed my grandfather and robbed me of meeting the person he was before he got sick. He quit before I was even born and it still got him.
- Every fucking cigarette and vape I've ever had to smell. Every idiot with a cigarette out their window forcing me to roll up mine and taking away my right to not breathe your goddamn cancer fumes when I wanted to feel the wind in my face. Honestly, fuck smokers. I can sort of have some understanding for people who grew up and got hooked when the risks weren't known like my grandfather, or for people who got hooked young, but even then- seriously? You weren't immediately put off by the revolting smell? And in the modern day, for the vast majority, there's zero excuse. You're just stupid.

And vaping- be fucking for real, anyone with two braincells to rub together can draw a clear line between that and smoking. Do they have zero critical thinking skills? "hmmm given the many years of anti drug messages I received especially that about smoking maybe I shouldn't put random foreign particles in my body? nahhh i'll puff ok flavored air laced with heavy metals teehee". So fucking stupid. Does smoking give a hit or something? Nicotine? I think it does. But like jesus christ if you're going for drugs at least pick an actually good enjoyable one lmao or one that doesn't fucking reek.

part of what's especially made me hate vapers as much as I hate smokers was two specific incidents-

- went to a social gathering. the couple was nice and I appreciated the wife's cooking, was tasty, but then they started vaping. Indoors. And I couldn't fucking leave. This disgusting gas that I HATED flooded my nose and really desperately wanted to just leave the fucking living room but it was impolite so I just stood as far away as I possibly could, literally on the entryway border because I wasn't allowed to go any further away.
- Dad's gf vaped in the house while I was at school, I came home and the house reeked. I kept coughing and was just… livid. How fucking dare you leak your cobalt-contaminated, biohazardous, shitty-smelling strawberry "vapor" all over MY HOME? If she'd done it in front of me I would have been pissed. I honestly think I would smack the vape/cigarette/bong out of their hand if someone ignored me telling them not to smoke in my vicinity. This is quite possibly an autistic sensitivity thing i think

3. The culture
tl;dr it's annoying. "hahaaa brooo i was so baaaked last night i was braindead on my couch like a moron not even doing something as enriching as playing Candy Crush for houurs haha. Ohh what you don't want to be a drugged out moron like me bro? ughh ur so boringgg (ignore that I need drugs to be interesting) bro weed isn't even addictive brooo its a plant brooo i only spend 400 a month and smoke 4 times daily brooo it relaxes meee bro no i would never go 48 hours without a hit bro but im not addicted i swearrr"
I have some insecurities about being a loser and wtv but people like this no matter who they are I usually view them as significantly bigger losers than me. lol
anyway rant over its VERY late (morning now…) and im sleepy

5:00 AM

 

[sugarb]

4:39 PM

bad things are going to happen in this country. this many disenfranchised young men isn't sustainable and historically when this demographic grows everything goes to shit. I don't know what's going to happen or if it'll even happen before I kill myself but something's got to give

anyway

things are ok for now school wise. blegh. need to do a bit of work

4:43 PM

 

[sugarb]

4:40 PM

sorry I've been weird/grumpy lately. Promised myself i'd keep away from stuff that upset me, didn't really do that and got upset. i've been extra depressed and just plain bored is part of it unfortunately

my dad played guitar today; i'd asked him to tune it for me on a whim, I just thought maybe i could try. I only had the barest memories of him ever playing before. He played No Memory by Temple of the Dog. It was really pretty. I just started smiling uncontrollably and i felt fully in the moment for the first time in such a very very long time I think. and for a split second something mattered. Guitar mattered. Fingers moving over an instrument in old patterns. i wanted to cry almost. learning guitar might save my life, I don't know. i played around with it for a minute and it brought me joy somehow, making a little three note chord so clumsily

i make midi music sometimes, i forgot to mention. maybe I did
anyway here's a little thing i made in 5 minutes or so lol

Rivers
Flowing strong
I wade
And dive
Into your murky waters
Rivers
Miles long
I walk
And dance
Along your sandy shores

View attachment My Song 5.mp3

 

[sugarb]

3:07 PM

just wanna die as always. I hate this, having no social structure or person to direct my negative emotions towards. Because I know the sickness is me

with every day that passes, I just want to go there more. The plains up north. That's all I want from the world. Just thirty minutes there, in the wind, with a shotgun and a song or two. Why can't I have that? Why? You can take everything else from me, world. You can take my sense of smell and taste, everyone I know, everything I own, my clothes, my hair, my organs when I die, my dick, my memories, everything good about me, whatever- but please give me that dream. The land, the wind, a gun, and a song. Land, wind, gun, and a song. What I want is just about 400 miles, 4 hours, and 1000 dollars away. That's like a third of the sort of vacation flight millions of people take every year, and I only want it ONCE. But I fucking can't because I don't have my stupid license.

this has been the worst 4-6 months of my life. If I live 80 years, that means I'll have spent 0.63%~ percent of if suicidal. I've been alive about 230 months, so I've spent about 2.6% of my life thus far suicidal. In about ten months when it's my birthday again I'll have spent about 5% of my life suicidal. If I live to 25 (6 years), and this doesn't improve, I'll have spent 25% of my life suicidal. When I hit thirty, 36%. 40- 52%. Will it be acceptable then? Will killing myself finally be reasonable once I've spent the majority of my life wanting it?

this is just a natural evolution of how I've always been. A human coffin

3:25 PM

^ written earlier

12:46 PM

It might be hard to believe now, but there was a time where all I wanted in the world was to be someone's perfect, loving, hardworking husband and eventually a father. I worked out every day for 30-45 minutes- clumsily, I admit, but still- for 6-8 months straight. Because I wanted it. Some of it was just what I'd been raised to do, but I just noticed how I was falling behind and I started getting scared that I'd be alone. So I worked for it. I showered daily and did my absolute best on everything, 4.0 GPA, acing SATs/ACTs, head start on college classes, everything. I worked hard, I socialized, tried to date a few girls. I had so much hope.

And then, over the last 18 months, I withered and died. My senior year was quiet, in my head, but got louder every day. Death. Death. Death. Death. Death. Like this buzzing, gnawing thing at the back of my head growing larger. My grades kept up just fine but the darkness kept swelling. Memories of my early life suddenly seemed more distinct. The loneliness. I very quickly expanded my horizons via chatting to people on the internet. I was clingy and excited.

But bad things kept happening, and happening. I kept making zero progress and hurting myself when I tried. I thought more about who I was and what my future was. Questioned why I did things. Thought about how people saw me. Found out I was autistic. Fell behind, further. I started crying myself to sleep, going on walks and sobbing, breaking down on the sidewalk in the moonlight; that went on for a month or two. I remember my graduation so clearly, the oddity of it to me. I'd thought about blowing my head off for the first time a few days prior, and there I was, leaving public school- the place with the only thing I'd been successful at other than niche internet writing, doing schoolwork. Walking up to the podium and realizing I never wanted to see my mother or father or best friend ever again, that I wanted deeply for me to die right there and fly away. I think I died the first time that spring that I stood by the fence just to feel the wind on my face, when I closed my eyes and dreamed there by the pond. That boy's heart stopped and turned to dust.

Now I am nothing. I don't want any to touch me. I barely clean myself. I don't want any future for myself. I don't want anyone. I hate the idea of being tied to someone. I don't want a good job, to care for a family. I just want to fucking kill myself. By my birthday, I pray. I want this to be 20 years. 20 years. A summer day in 2005 to a summer night in 2025. Neat, orderly.

Maybe an artificial superintelligence will take over the world and save me, lol. Probably not. Nobody was ever going to rescue me. I scrabbled and clawed for months and months, trying to do it myself, but I never had a chance. The burden, the responsibility, the expectation of saving yourself- it's probably already killed half a million boys like me. Maybe in a decade when our bodies really starting dropping this nation will finally do something. I'm not gonna live to see it, though. I mean, it's never anyone's responsibility but mine to save me, and I get it, of course. But I can't save myself. And it's gonna kill me.

1:20 PM

 

[sugarb]

3:57 AM

I never really talked to true incels before, just varying shades of weird virgins like me
and jesus christ
very weird and annoying. and mean, more importantly. Weird is ok, annoying makes me avoid you, mean means I dislike you and really don't want to interact with you. argued with one for like an hour trying to get him to explain why he needed to think about his sister having sex with a guy from his work 24/7. so fucking weird and gross. and another one defending rape and talking about committing a mass shooting. i support these types being banned. I knew there was a gap between my variety of loser and theirs but good lord. they're obnoxious and fill their time with hate
now im extra sad that im associated with these people because i haven't gotten laid. god. Like, these people are dicks and unkind towards others. i believe that dating can be borderline impossible or at least very difficult for some very physically/mentally unattractive people ( especially those with disorders, trauma, deformities, etc) through no fault of their own but for these guys it's unquestionably in large part due to their nauseous way of treating others / the horrible way they speak and act. i can't imagine anyone ever wanting to be near such mean nasty people, let alone wanting it as a woman
-
anyway more importantly- i'm doing ok
got lots of work i fear. but ill be fine before too long :)
thank you all for having me. toodles friends.

4:35 AM

 

[sugarb]

6:26 PM

I've had a really nice couple days. been talking to this new friend and creatively I've been satisfying myself. I think to be happy I just need to create things, share them with people, talk about them, and talk about the things other people make. And the wind, too- that's been making me happier.

I'm not leaving here forever, but for now I'm signing out and signing off, meaning no updates for a while. I want to enjoy these next few weeks/months.

See y'all later
- Sugar
6:30 PM

 

[potablewater784]

6:26 PM

I've had a really nice couple days. been talking to this new friend and creatively I've been satisfying myself. I think to be happy I just need to create things, share them with people, talk about them, and talk about the things other people make. And the wind, too- that's been making me happier.

I'm not leaving here forever, but for now I'm signing out and signing off, meaning no updates for a while. I want to enjoy these next few weeks/months.

See y'all later
- Sugar
6:30 PM

I'm glad that you're feeling well and have found what makes you happy :) Best of luck to you