sugarb
long time sunshine
- Jun 14, 2024
- 748
12:37 AM
Been thinking a bit about my brother.
I'm pretty much his best friend. He's not as much of a "funny guy" as I am by any means; he's often standoffish and cranky and glares at people when in public. I love him to death and he can be funny and sweet but he's not one tenth as good at casual social interaction as I am. And I'm an idiot who just makes dumb jokes.
I don't know how he's gonna make friends after I die. I don't want him to be lonely- I desperately don't want him to be lonely. I want to hug him. But like I said he's rough and can be cold. He wouldn't tell me or dad he was upset in a million years. I can't remember the last time I saw ot heard him cry. Is he like me on the inside? Crumbling? I hope not. He's sixteen, so maybe he just isn't conceptualizing it like I am now. I didn't at his age.
He very well might kill himself after I do. Fall into the mental clusterfuck I have, whatever it is. Anhedonia, disassociation, crying alone at night, anxiety. I'm almost certain he's on the spectrum like me. Probably a lot less on the ADHD side, though.
It's selfish of me to think of pulling the ladder up after me, but I want him to live happily. He's been my best friend since he was like 2-4 (he was kinda boring before that lol), which is over a decade even now. He's been my playmate every day forever and I love him so much.
I hope when he reads my diaries (including this one) he knows how much I wanted him to live and how much I loved him. That I was always impressed by how smart he was, and that he was dear to me in every way that mattered.
For when you read this: I love you. You were my first best friend, gave me my best memories, and you'll always be my brother.
-
I cried a bit writing that but oddly enough I'm not upset. Yearning, maybe? I'm always dreaming of things that feel close. Maybe when I pull that trigger I'll wake up in an eternal place that really feels like home. As if I'd just gone on a long trek; a great adventure, a wonderful painful exhausting exhilarating journey into another world. A million names, places, thoughts, codes, philosophies, truths, lies; war, death, love, plague, fellowship; an epic. A story.
And at last I walk up to that door, open it up, kick off my shoes, and sleep. Sleep a long, long time; maybe a hundred years.
Then wake up, breathe a sigh of relief, and rest. Be at peace with a still mind. Dodder around an unfamiliarly familiar kitchen, fix a meal, and eat. My grandfather, his dog, and my great-grandparents will come by to see me, and we'll all eat, too.
And some day the rest of my family will come to me. They'll have missed me. Maybe they'll be angry. But we'll hug, and we'll hold one another, and none of it will matter.
That's how I think Heaven must be, anyway.
-
I suppose what my soul needs is a calling. Prior generations had their great war, great depression- battles of the material. The modern man's struggle is a battle for the soul. I think for me death is fated, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I believe in a Heaven on earth for my brother, mother, father, family, friends. I believe in that in this moment, however stupid it is.
Gonna take a breather outside. And pee. Then idk. Drink water ig
1:14 AM
Been thinking a bit about my brother.
I'm pretty much his best friend. He's not as much of a "funny guy" as I am by any means; he's often standoffish and cranky and glares at people when in public. I love him to death and he can be funny and sweet but he's not one tenth as good at casual social interaction as I am. And I'm an idiot who just makes dumb jokes.
I don't know how he's gonna make friends after I die. I don't want him to be lonely- I desperately don't want him to be lonely. I want to hug him. But like I said he's rough and can be cold. He wouldn't tell me or dad he was upset in a million years. I can't remember the last time I saw ot heard him cry. Is he like me on the inside? Crumbling? I hope not. He's sixteen, so maybe he just isn't conceptualizing it like I am now. I didn't at his age.
He very well might kill himself after I do. Fall into the mental clusterfuck I have, whatever it is. Anhedonia, disassociation, crying alone at night, anxiety. I'm almost certain he's on the spectrum like me. Probably a lot less on the ADHD side, though.
It's selfish of me to think of pulling the ladder up after me, but I want him to live happily. He's been my best friend since he was like 2-4 (he was kinda boring before that lol), which is over a decade even now. He's been my playmate every day forever and I love him so much.
I hope when he reads my diaries (including this one) he knows how much I wanted him to live and how much I loved him. That I was always impressed by how smart he was, and that he was dear to me in every way that mattered.
For when you read this: I love you. You were my first best friend, gave me my best memories, and you'll always be my brother.
-
I cried a bit writing that but oddly enough I'm not upset. Yearning, maybe? I'm always dreaming of things that feel close. Maybe when I pull that trigger I'll wake up in an eternal place that really feels like home. As if I'd just gone on a long trek; a great adventure, a wonderful painful exhausting exhilarating journey into another world. A million names, places, thoughts, codes, philosophies, truths, lies; war, death, love, plague, fellowship; an epic. A story.
And at last I walk up to that door, open it up, kick off my shoes, and sleep. Sleep a long, long time; maybe a hundred years.
Then wake up, breathe a sigh of relief, and rest. Be at peace with a still mind. Dodder around an unfamiliarly familiar kitchen, fix a meal, and eat. My grandfather, his dog, and my great-grandparents will come by to see me, and we'll all eat, too.
And some day the rest of my family will come to me. They'll have missed me. Maybe they'll be angry. But we'll hug, and we'll hold one another, and none of it will matter.
That's how I think Heaven must be, anyway.
-
I suppose what my soul needs is a calling. Prior generations had their great war, great depression- battles of the material. The modern man's struggle is a battle for the soul. I think for me death is fated, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I believe in a Heaven on earth for my brother, mother, father, family, friends. I believe in that in this moment, however stupid it is.
Gonna take a breather outside. And pee. Then idk. Drink water ig
1:14 AM
it's nice. And I did some math and determined I only need about 45% on midterm/final for a 70% in one course and only a 35% in another. Assuming my avg in other classes remains stagnant, anyway. So- I'm actually doing pretty decently well. I have been not paying super close attention in one of those classes though so, uh- might fail regardless. Which would be quite bad.
