Venting Sugar’s Open Diary

[sugarb]

1:04 AM

Had a brief fight with my dad today. He kept repeating the same advice on a topic he'd already given me 5-6 times within 5 minutes ("in the future don't do that" basically) and I interrupted him and said I got it. He snapped at me to shut up, I snapped back and told him not to talk to me like that.

I should've just let him finish even though it was irritating. And he shouldn't have told me to shut up. But it's past now.

I think to a degree I fear becoming my father. There's nothing critically wrong with him, and he loves me very much, just-

He broke it off with mom. Might've cheated, I don't know. He's the less hard-working parent, does less in terms of helping me do things. He dropped out of college. Unemployed for a year when I was younger, possibly because of depression. In most ways he is the worse parent.

But he's also the hero who came to hug me at school when I was having trouble, the guy who played video games with me in his lap and taught me to do stuff around the house, the guy who showed me great books to read. The guy I watch shows with over his lunch break every day I'm there, who'll make me and my brother lunch and dinner, who cared enough to get us nice beds, who celebrated my birthday like it was a big deal.

It adds up. I love him.

Most people would be happy with him as a father, and I am, too. But sometimes I wonder who I'd be if he was different?

Again, I'm craving disassociation.

—

I wonder how important college is to where I am right now. This website. How much of this is childish fear of the future?

I think in life, there are four paths.

While you are truly unaware of meaninglessness, you either live a life of:

1. Pain

Not understanding why you suffer, only that you are suffering. You either continue despite the pain because you think you must, or you kill yourself to end the pain amid high emotion, unaware of greater meaninglessness.

Hating existence without understanding.

Or

2. Peace

Not fundamentally hating life as it is, whether good or bad; existing without philosophical pain while simultaneously not recognizing meaninglessness.

Loving existence without understanding.


Once you become aware of larger existential ideas and etc, understanding meaninglessness, you gain access to two more paths:

3. Delusion

Religion, hedonism, absurdism, existing out of spite, creating a grander purpose for oneself, etc. Once made aware of meaninglessness, choosing to hallucinate meaning, fabricating a reasoning for continuing to exist despite having become aware of greater meaninglessness. If effective, understanding of meaninglessness can be destroyed or diluted, resulting in regress into #1 (Pain) or, ideally, #2 (Peace).

Denying understanding, regressing to ignorance.

4. Death.

When Delusion fails to regress one to Pain or Peace, all that remains for one who comprehends meaninglessness is Death, the rejection of delusion and artificial meaning.


I feel like that about sums it up. Seems reasonable, yea?

-

As an aside- yesterday I typed up a big vent post and then didn't post it. Something about typing in this box is just more comfortable lolol. Made me feel better to imagine being seen.

Also, if anyone's reading this- say hi, I'm lonely rn T~T

—

2:00 AM edit

Thought of a poem, of sorts.

Once autumn turns
The lake is a graveyard
Geese flutter south
And the grasshoppers die

Leaves flood the sidewalk
Like dead war-torn bodies
The pebbles are bullets
While the feathers are bones

Wind shrieks past
Like an F14 jet's yell
And despite everything
I'm still afraid of the dark

Dunno what I'd even call it. Really I just thought the line "despite everything, I'm still afraid of the dark" and wanted to make something. pretty shit poem i think or maybe not who knows

Anyway: Goodnight, SaSu.

 

[potablewater784]

hi :)
--
I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your father :( He definitely shouldn't have talked you you like that. But I am glad that there is also some good in your relationship. It sounds complicated overall.
--
I also question whether it makes sense to go to college, or do any work toward improving my future for that matter. I'll probably end up dying before it would help me. But I'm also afraid that if I don't die, then I'll have wasted years doing nothing. I guess that's just how it is, though...

And your analysis on the paths in life is quite interesting. Although I wonder if there can be someone who recognizes the meaninglessness in life, yet still enjoys life. Some sort of peaceful nihilism perhaps. While I would currently fall under your description of "death", I feel that if all my issues disappeared, then I would be a part of that aforementioned category.
--
Have a good night :)

 

[sugarb]

hi :)
--
I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your father :( He definitely shouldn't have talked you you like that. But I am glad that there is also some good in your relationship. It sounds complicated overall.
--
I also question whether it makes sense to go to college, or do any work toward improving my future for that matter. I'll probably end up dying before it would help me. But I'm also afraid that if I don't die, then I'll have wasted years doing nothing. I guess that's just how it is, though...

And your analysis on the paths in life is quite interesting. Although I wonder if there can be someone who recognizes the meaninglessness in life, yet still enjoys life. Some sort of peaceful nihilism perhaps. While I would currently fall under your description of "death", I feel that if all my issues disappeared, then I would be a part of that aforementioned category.
--
Have a good night :)

hello hello ^^ wasn't expecting you to emerge from lurking but I'm glad to see ya :D thanks for following my impromptu diary for a while friend
—
Yeah. Day-to-day it's more than fine and we usually get along very well, he's just a human with flaws like anyone else and I'm very glad to have him instead of someone else.

I've been more impatient and quick to anger when faced with difficulties since I started planning to CTB; I've gotten upset over minor things that aren't really anyone's fault. Like- I don't remember the exact circumstances, but about a month ago I think I'd said I didn't like a food that much jokingly, my dad took it to mean he shouldn't cook me a portion when he cooked lunch, and then I got really upset and started crying as he was making me a portion of the food after we argued about how I should've worded it differently or something. It wasn't completely my fault but I reacted very abnormally for me, like I might during a meltdown at 12 years old instead of just going "darn" and making a sandwich.

I don't know what's up with that. Maybe a sign I'm distressed and all my emotional regulation is busy hiding my depression/suicidal ideation/etc.
—
Yep. :-/ I've honestly been thinking about maybe trying to ask to just… drop out and have a gap year. Maybe I'd want to live, y'know? But I'd lose my free ride and they wouldn't let me unless I explained my ideation, which I just… can't.

I think that there maybe could be a third "aware" category like that, but it'd probably be lumped in with Delusion since apathy/rejection of meaninglessness are both attempts at diluting or destroying it. but who knows
—
Good morning!

 

[sugarb]

1:51 PM

Holy shit!

I finally buckled down, went and called the gun store. The call took 57 seconds. L-M-A-fucking-O. Was not expecting it to be that easy.

I'd meant to ask 4 questions:

1. Price ranges
2. Buying at 19 with a driver's permit as ID
3. Buying a gun case
4. Transport on foot

I forget to ask #1 and kind of didn't ask #4 effectively but I got answers for 2-3. The guy was very efficient and polite.

The answers were

2: "Yeah a permit works."
3: "I think we might have a case in-store."
4: I'm like 99% sure he said it's cool to carry on foot as long as it's in a gun case but I kinda forgot slightly lol


All this means is I just have to wait for a weekday I'm at my mom's where she's not working from home and I have a window of 3~ hours to buy and get home.

Shop opens at 11:00 and the walk is roughly hour, so I'll start walking at 10:00 and get there just about on the dot.

Buying shouldn't take more than 1.5 hours, putting me at 11:45-12:30. Walk back should put me at 12:40-1:35. Barring abnormalities family comes home roughly 2:50-3:30 so that's a full hour or two to either CTB immediately or hide the gun and wait till dark. I think I'll just do it immediately. Much safer, though it'd feel odd.

I've got about 1k in cash and a permit, so now I just wait for the right time, I guess.

—

Also: see attached. Glorious day! Norb hath returned.

 

[potablewater784]

I hope the purchase goes well and that you can find peace. It has been nice getting to know you :)

 

[sugarb]

I hope the purchase goes well and that you can find peace. It has been nice getting to know you :)

Thank you, it's been nice talking to as well. And I hope so too.

 

[sugarb]

6:57 PM

Unfortunate news- the gun store is closed on the day my mom works in the office, meaning I will likely have to use my "yeah I'm just going on a walk mom" excuse for the excursion which will take at the least 2.5 hours. Unless I get my license, that is, in which case I could get it done much quicker and likely be independent enough to go out with no questions asked. But that could be months.

Realistically I'm just anxious about all this and deathly afraid of fucking it up. What if mom drives by as I'm walking back from the store with a shotgun case in hand? "What are you carrying?" What the fuck would I say? "Yeah I bought a shotgun in secret and now I'm carrying it back home."

Could I stash the case somewhere and then wait til nightfall? The garbage bin, maybe? That could work. Unless someone takes out the trash. Argh.

So now-

1. I know how long the trip is on foot and have an estimate of how long it'll take for me to buy it.
2. I have funds, proper ID, and nothing that would disqualify me on my record.
3. I know I can legally transport the gun back home so long as I get a case.
4. I'm certain that intraoral shotgun is viable and that it's the best method for me.

-which were the big things.

But without that window of time where nobody's around the house, actually going on the 2.5-3 hour excursion, getting home and using the gun I'm sure I can buy is much more difficult. Ughhhh. But seriously why the fuck is the gun store closed on Mondays???

So at this point my options are

1. Wait until a day when my mom randomly isn't home and the store's open (might never happen)
2. Look for a store that's open on Mondays and is within a feasible walking distance time wise (might work but I'm not sure how far the next closest could be)
3. Wait until I get a license/car (Might never happen and could take a year or more, but if it does happen I'm pretty much home free.)
3a. Use Uber. I don't really trust them though so idk.

I think for now I'll just sit tight. I've done enough for today.

 

[sugarb]

12:56 AM

My fear of death is coming back, annoyingly. Or more accurately I'm developing a fear of shooting myself. Of the pain involved before the peace of death. Head exploding imagery. Argh.

I think to a degree I'm planning all this because more than anything, I want the option of CTB. Because I dislike being unable to control my life and death. Obviously I have lots of other suicidal motivations but that's also one. hm.

anyway I'm going to go drink water, hug my mom, sleep, then wake up and do some schoolwork in the morning. I want a free weekend…

—

Upon an emerald evening
In a galley by the shore
Fair maiden Isebella
Sets about her sainted chores

Folding silken bedsheets
Dusting old armoires
Fluffing goose-down pillows
And feeding prize jaguars

She does it all for seven pence
Years, decades, more
But not at all for charity
Rather, she's just bored

—

Goodnight, SaSu.

 

[sugarb]

2:22 AM

(Gospel style)

[Verse]

There once sat a king
On a cold stone throne
His crown all speckled
With blood

And from his eye
A tumbling star
To mourn his sweet
Now-fallen son

[Chorus]

Immanuel, Immanuel
Lord, did you turn your eyes?
From the wounds that marred my only child
And the sound of his last anguished cries?

-

That's all I have for that right now. I might finish writing the lyrics and/or transcribe tune into Garageband + find chords eventually, idk.

—

Dunno. Just thinking about how when I hit around 13 I suddenly stopped being a child and started being a grown man and a potential predator in the eyes of school administration. It makes me angry when I think about it, so I won't. Anger has never been good for me beyond fleeting motivation.

I have an expectation for myself to understand and give kindness and friendship to others as much as possible. Unfortunately, that is not a universal position, and I often find myself in situations where I have to press myself to be empathetic and not stoop to the immaturity of hating or wishing hurt on others because they hate you or have hurt you. Spiteful thought/ like siding with someone you disagree with because they treat you better than the people you agree with more, etc.

I am a very strong proponent of the high road and decorum in general. That's part of why I don't particularly support either political party; it's all very childish. "You're weird! Your guy fucks couches!" "You're crazy! Your guy fucks horses!" Etc. Ideologically I generally align more with the Democrats, but I don't really care enough to vote and (again) I don't like either side very much.

 

[sugarb]

1:02 PM

Carl Jung once said (in an interview) that "Man cannot stand a meaningless life."

That statement contains several truths, most notably these two:

1. Man cannot stand a meaningless struggle.

2. A lack of meaning overrides a lack of material suffering.


People can withstand an immense amount of pain and still go on if they believe there is meaning. Religion, nationality, race, gender, children, family, pleasure, a lover, any cause you can think of, if someone believes in living for that enough, they will struggle onwards.

And even in materially ideal conditions, a lack of meaning creates suffering.

If you are given an exquisitely crafted delicacy to eat every day, it will eventually become nothing more than a meal. All wonders and pleasures of the world will eventually become monotonous and bland.

For most of history, exposure to wonders and pleasures was much rarer, knowledge was lesser, and meaning was more abundant. In the modern day, someone can very quickly grow accustomed to all wonders and pleasures, knowledge is largely available, and with knowledge sources of meaning such as spirituality, religion, nationalism, etc have declined or been outed as shams.

Thus:

A lack of meaning is the ultimate root of suicide. Because no matter how great a person's suffering, if there is enough meaning for them in struggling forwards, they will do so.

—

I had some shrimp and spaghetti earlier. It was good.

—

Anemo

Anemophilia
Meaning spread by the wind
Or a lusting for breezes
And the turbines they spin

Anemoia's an aching
For a place never known
Or perhaps a dull memory
Of lost heavenly home

—

3:05 PM

Went on a brief walk. Too hot. The ducks are cute and all but they also shit all over the sidewalk.

There's a heron living in that little suburban pond, strangely. They're such elegant creatures. If I was a bird, I think I would be a heron. I like mucking around in muddy water as well as the wind, and I'm a lanky fuck.

Speaking of herons, I should watch that new Ghibli movie eventually. I'll be ok if I CTB before seeing it, though.

Speaking of movies:

While earth having a population of 8 billion certainly has it's downsides, I feel an unappreciated factor is the greater number of creatives.

To explain- in 1881, the year Pablo Picasso was born, the world population was roughly 1-1.2 billion.

In 2024, the world population is 7-8x larger, sitting at about 8-8.2 billion. So it follows that 7-8 Picassos could be born right now. Sorta.

Like, obviously a large chunk of the world population is still impoverished / undeveloped/ unable to pursue art on the scale of Picasso, but unless you're super racist or something there must be people being at least BORN with those talents among that group of impoverished/uneducated folks, right?

Example: I recently saw a trailer for a hand-animated fantasy film from Pakistan, "The Glassworker". It's the first hand-animated film ever produced there, apparently, and it looks to be pretty good. I mean, I might not watch it, but you get my point.

Pakistan is just one nation. How long until there's a 2001: A Space Odyssey from Niger? A slick Venezuelan action blockbuster?

List of Academy Award winners and nominees for Best International Feature Film - Wikipedia

en.m.wikipedia.org

^ If you consult this map- every grey country here with people in it has or will have the capacity (again unless you're racist lol) to win that award.

Media from currently developing countries will one day reach the same level of cultural impact on the US that Japanese and British media such as Dragon Ball Z, Doctor Who, Evangelion, Great British Baking Show, etc have. And this is already happening today with South Korean manwha, K-Pop, and K-dramas. I personally listened to Australian stoner doom metal a lot last year, as well as some South American rock bands. There's good shit out there.

And with the development of all this new international content, people's choices will be widened. Vastly. I predict a wider array of films, games, and music than ever before seen. Just think about what's on Netflix right now as compared to what was on TV in the early 2000's.

It's interesting to think about, if nothing else. Peak fiction!

 

[sugarb]

12:31 AM

Second week of school is going fine so far. Need to take a quiz tomorrow but otherwise all is well and I'm on track for this week. There was some annoying technical fuckery but everything should be ok before long

Also, I got a haircut. I had a large "Jew fro" (which is weird because my family is mostly German/Welsh, zero Jewish) that I'd been growing out for 6~ months. Think this but 2-3x larger in all directions and significantly denser. Most hair I've ever had, was thick and fluffy like sheep's wool and glorious. Maybe I'm a sheep hybrid due to ancient Welsh sheep marriage. Hard to say.



Shaved it all off, as is traditional for me. As nice as it was I appreciate being able to move my head without jiggle physics. My hair was clean and nice, and I did like the look/feel for the most part, it but it was starting to get in my eyes and unfortunately my dandruff predisposed scalp requires a certain level of room for dandruff shampoo / combs to get through. Sigh. Darn genetics

also also- I make bots on C.ai for funsies, and I recently hit 500k interacts, which is quite a milestone. Woohoo for me!

—

Today was good. I laughed a ton and joked a bunch with my mom and brother, ate tasty things, talked to friends online, was productive at school… I mostly enjoyed today.

Still, I ultimately want to CTB. I haven't forgotten the past or lost sight of the future. But it's distant as ever despite being so tantalizingly close. Grr.

I got an offer to house sit a place all by myself for a week. Some lady my mom knows, mild hoarder. I could maybe have accepted then drawn up a new plan to walk to a gun store nearby, but there're a bunch of variables and frankly I don't want to do anything that has even a modicum of risk. Part of why I've had to shelve the "walk to gun store" idea for now. I'm still pissed that that gun store isn't open on Monday which just so happens to be the day my mom isn't at home. Extreme unluckiness or divine intervention? Hard to say.

But whatevs. I can wait. Even if it hurts. It's the smart thing to do, and the worst thing to be while plotting CTB is stupid.

—

Goodnight, Sasu.


Alabaster headstones
Dot the long path to the tomb
Of Lord Silvester Abadeer
The ill-fated noble groom

He promised his beloved
That his heart would stay true
But alas, he lied, and so he died
For his bride ran him through

So heed the words there on the wall
A final message to his peers:
"Never cheat a lady, lest you
die by throwing spears."

 

[sugarb]

6:39 PM

I had to work out the tech issues with my dad today.

Everything was fine. We opened a different laptop to try and get

Then I saw the notes app icon and remembered it was a Macbook. My head started spinning and my heart sped up. Was it connected to my phone?

Fear of discovery is what I have. I've had it for a long time and it's only gotten more layered.

A long time ago (not sure when, couldn't have been 7th grade) I wrote and drew primitive smut in a notebook at home. I was sexually curious. Then my dad found it and boom, shame, fear. It's this repetitive trauma. I didn't have a diary until about 6 months ago out of fear.

But now I have folders full of story ideas and writing (not smut but I'd still have the involuntary shame response), pictures of my girlfriend, texts from her, this fucking website. My ideation.

I was shaking slightly, sweating, fidgeting, keeping up the mask of a blank expression desperately. The laptop was hot, almost felt like it was burning. I was waiting every second for the end. Crying and trembling and running off and hiding away, curling up into a little vibrating husk of a person.

It was fine, though. He figured it out. I took the quiz I had to take. 90%. Then we all ate dinner together and watched a show.

I'm about to go on a walk now.

 

[sugarb]

2:16 AM

When I write here, what am I doing?

If I just wanted to write, I would write in my private diary. So why do it publicly? Why only now? Why does people responding to me here make me happy?

I think because in part I want to be seen. I do want to write my thoughts for normal reasons, but I also want to be understood.

My greatest wish is to be known in my entirety and loved for what I am by good people.

My greatest fear is the reverse- to be understood in my entirety and hated for what I am by good people.

Because if I am hated, I can say to myself "they don't understand". Or "I don't care what they think". At the moment I cannot- death.

—

I was sitting on the power box by the fence and just sort of drifting. Eventually hopped over and walked around the pond. The wind was slight, sort of spongy ig you could say

For a moment I was giddy. Literally just spun in circles in the grass.

I wanted my girlfriend to be there, almost. I wanted someone to hold my hand and lose themselves with me. A partner in crime. Someone who understands me, who I can understand.

I really do crave companionship. I spend so much time alone by choice that it's almost paradoxical, but it's true.

And part of that is I want to give someone the love I can't give to myself.

But nobody's worth it. Nobody feels right. I don't see myself with anyone. Nobody's interesting.

My girlfriend is a nice girl and I like doing what little I can to make her happy but we haven't called in a month, the call before that was two months back, and I'm more or less comfortable keeping her at arm's length.

I've literally never touched this woman, so maybe it's just the coldness of the interface. Or it's just my heart. I don't know. All the crushes I've had online and off really did just feel like chemical things. Strange, uncomfortable, hot and sweaty. Made me act stupid, feel stupid.

She's not overly different from me. She's smart and creative. But we don't talk about anything interesting. We don't even have conversations about topics, really. She doesn't capture my attention. Nobody does.

I sort of just don't really care about anyone or anything.

3:16 AM

 

[sugarb]

6:04 PM

I tried drawing in this sketchbook I got for Christmas like four years ago for the first time. I couldn't focus at all and just made random 20 second doodles for like seven minutes and then stopped.

I've had motor skill issues my whole life. My handwriting is really bad, despite literally having classes as a kid. I can't draw a straight line without a ruler. I've tried learning guitar or piano like 3-4 times and each time I just hurt my hands trying to form chords and then got irrationally angry and had to stop

I've literally been drawing since I was 3 years old and filled DOZENS of notebooks from the sheer amount of drawing and writing I did over the years. I took art classes all through highschool. And I'm still shit and get zero enjoyment out if it.

Earlier I was thinking to myself that a good measurement of how well a writer has written a character is that you know what they'd say/do in a given situation. And then I realized that basically every character I've ever written doesn't do that.

Not to mention I've still never finished a story and my poetry's garbage. My music's MIDI trash and I've never really "finished" a song. I just arrange notes. No mastering. I use fucking Garageband.

My uncle can paint miniatures and write DnD campaigns. My older cousins wrote and published a comic together. Another older cousin can play guitar. So can my great-uncle. And both my grandpas. My grandmother can quilt. My aunt's an English professor and a writer. My cousin's a good artist. My English professor said I'm a good writer. So why aren't I? Why can't I do anything? Why am I the weak link? The only thing I'm good at is writing chatbots, and only because it doesn't take very much time to do and the skill cap's low.

And I just keep asking myself.

What was the point?

Why did I bother struggling through school? Did I really have a reason other than not wanting my parents to be mad at me?

School took so much time, energy, joy, and peace of mind from me. I worked hard. I did everything I was supposed to. I got A's in everything in junior and senior year. I never got lower than a B in any class I've ever taken except during Covid (those classes were basically RNG. not gonna get into it).

What was the point? What was the point? What was the point?

What did I get for sacrificing my childhood? I'm a broken mess barely holding up a facade of normalcy and limping through my classes. I stayed away from drugs and alcohol and crime and staying out late and premarital sex and everything I was ever told not to do by my family or society or my heart and I have absolutely fucking nothing of value to show for it.

There was no reason to stop being happy and do my homework as a child. There was no reason to develop my social skills and drag myself out of the SPED gutter. There was no reason to ever put effort into anything, to spend 45 minutes a day for 6 months exercising to improve my material condition instead of having fun when I still could. There was no reason.

Is four more years of school that's harder and more stressful than anything before, debt, and a desk job all I get for everything? For all of that? For trying? The dropouts and C-averages seem happier. The autistics who don't bother masking seem happier. The assholes and manipulators seem happier. Why am I doing worse for putting in more? Why?

I can't deal with acknowledging my inadequacy; disassociating from the reality that I have failed myself and burying my head in existentialism is the only way I can stop myself from crying.

I don't care about anyone else. I want my own approval. I want my own love. When I say I want peace, I want peace for myself from myself to be at peace with myself. I just want to be able to make myself happy.

I think the only thing that can "save me" now would be some mixture of lobotomy, NEETdom, and drugs. Lots of drugs. LSD, weed, beer, crack, anything. Rewriting my brain chemistry, removing the woes of employment and "education" (haha fuck) and finally removing my upper brain functioning so I stop thinking about things that pain me. I want to be unaware. A warm mannequin coated in nerve endings in a fuzzy world. I want to not care. I wish l could forget everything I need to be stupidly happy. Domestication.

As if I'm not basically a dog already. I can't fucking go anywhere by myself or without saying something first, and never very far. I have a leash. I have to do everything I'm told and have zero real independence. I'm completely dependent on others for survival.

It's not very fun. Maybe if I was a child again, or if I could do the drugs + lobotomy + neet idea I mentioned earlier. Also- haha, this is exactly 900 words.

7:02 PM

 

[sugarb]

1:14 AM

I finally got some motivation to do my work and I'm overcome with anger because this stupid dinky little charger won't actually charge my computer, it just brings up the battery saver on -> battery saver off pop up every 3 seconds. It's an unstable connection, so it doesn't fucking work. It's making me very, very angry. An ad for honey came up on my phone during my music and I nearly chucked it.

I managed to get about halfway through one thing but I just got discouraged distracted and lost steam. I can't comfortably work with a low battery life, especially <10%.

It makes me angry that this tiny thing punted my productivity in the dumpster when I really needed to be productive and I know I'm not going to get anything done in the morning. I just feel like crying and screaming.

I'm going to try and find something to help me chill and destress. Writing poetry is what I think I'm gonna go for. Will post in a bit.

1:33 AM

—

1:42 AM

The Suburbs

There's no screaming in the suburbs
No shouting and no fires
No unrestrained emotions
And no dangling power wires

There's always someone watching
A street is always near
And you mustn't sing or laugh too loud
Because someone will hear


Autumn Dream-Pole

An autumn dream-pole stood proud amidst
A copse of auburn trees
And to it tied ten thousand strings
Of glimmering copper wire
Like ginger hairs

On each line a prize affixed
Bird skull, bead, small silver keys
Coins, teeth, and carved wooden wings
The baubles will inspire
Harvest prayers


I don't really know what I was going for with the second one but I think it's neat.

I do feel a bit better now.

1:59 AM

 

[sugarb]

4:26 AM

Had a lot of thoughts today. I considered writing them down, but it just didn't feel productive.

I'm unfortunately now a week behind in one of my classes and have multiple things I've got to work on very quickly in another. I'm already burnt out just in this second week of school and have zero motivation to continue. But I have to keep up the facade. I'm afraid of what'll happen if I don't. I don't want to worry or disappoint my parents but I'm literally just limping through these classes by googling answers, trial and error and paraphrasing ChatGPT. I can't go on like this. I can't go do midterms in two months or however long. I can't do this all again.

And I have church in the morning- literally less than five hours to sleep- and I don't fucking want to go. I've never believed and I've been certain I wasn't Christian since I was 11-13, if not before. 8-6 years. But I have to.

I just want to curl up and sleep forever. I don't want to have to shoot myself. I wish it wasn't the best method. I wish there was a pill, just a pill, a simple pill, that just slowed your heart until it stopped. Full anesthesia right after taking it. Peaceful. Why not that?

I want to be able to tell my mom everything. I want to tell her I'm bi and don't really want to get married or have kids and that I don't believe what she does and that I'm not ok and that trying to be the son she's so proud of is killing me. That I can't do this right now. That I'm suicidal. I want to tell her. Without fear, without making it impossible for me to buy a gun and CTB how I want, without making her cry or her trying to put me away or making me do it all anyway. I want to be understood and accepted. I just need a little while and I'll be better. Please.

I just can't do this anymore. This double life is weighing so heavily on me. The mask of a person I wear all day and use on here to talk to people kindly/intelligently/funnily is rubbing my face raw.

I don't know what to do. I can't reveal my ideation or any of that other stuff but for right now I'm just going to wake her up and talk to her about being really stressed and distressed and hopefully she'll just let me sleep in and not make me go because I haven't slept all night. I hope so. If she doesn't I think I might cry.

4:51 AM

 

[DrearyAsh348]

4:26 AM

Had a lot of thoughts today. I considered writing them down, but it just didn't feel productive.

I'm unfortunately now a week behind in one of my classes and have multiple things I've got to work on very quickly in another. I'm already burnt out just in this second week of school and have zero motivation to continue. But I have to keep up the facade. I'm afraid of what'll happen if I don't. I don't want to worry or disappoint my parents but I'm literally just limping through these classes by googling answers, trial and error and paraphrasing ChatGPT. I can't go on like this. I can't go do midterms in two months or however long. I can't do this all again.

And I have church in the morning- literally less than five hours to sleep- and I don't fucking want to go. I've never believed and I've been certain I wasn't Christian since I was 11-13, if not before. 8-6 years. But I have to.

I just want to curl up and sleep forever. I don't want to have to shoot myself. I wish it wasn't the best method. I wish there was a pill, just a pill, a simple pill, that just slowed your heart until it stopped. Full anesthesia right after taking it. Peaceful. Why not that?

I want to be able to tell my mom everything. I want to tell her I'm bi and don't really want to get married or have kids and that I don't believe what she does and that I'm not ok and that trying to be the son she's so proud of is killing me. That I can't do this right now. That I'm suicidal. I want to tell her. Without fear, without making it impossible for me to buy a gun and CTB how I want, without making her cry or her trying to put me away or making me do it all anyway. I want to be understood and accepted. I just need a little while and I'll be better. Please.

I just can't do this anymore. This double life is weighing so heavily on me. The mask of a person I wear all day and use on here to talk to people kindly/intelligently/funnily is rubbing my face raw.

I don't know what to do. I can't reveal my ideation or any of that other stuff but for right now I'm just going to wake her up and talk to her about being really stressed and distressed and hopefully she'll just let me sleep in and not make me go because I haven't slept all night. I hope so. If she doesn't I think I might cry.

4:51 AM

Wish u luck. Last time I went to church was before I had a massive breakdown. And I feel u on the stress, I'm starting around the 13th and last thing I want to do is keep doing this shit, but need to keep my true intentions under wraps. I hope for you it gets better and maybe you can tell your mom what's happening. Is there still hope for recovery in your situation?

 

[sugarb]

5:51 AM

It went really well. I feel a lot better. Lighter.

I told her about how I was stressed and couldn't sleep, and about how the couch-computer thing kinda screwed me up. As well as some childhood issues. I cried a bit and we hugged/cuddled, it was good. And not doing church right in the morning. Phew.

I still wish I could tell her about my ideation but this was good enough for one night. A bit of the weight is gone.

Anyway on to reply to the post above!

5:55 AM

 

[sugarb]

Wish u luck. Last time I went to church was before I had a massive breakdown. And I feel u on the stress, I'm starting around the 13th and last thing I want to do is keep doing this shit, but need to keep my true intentions under wraps. I hope for you it gets better and maybe you can tell your mom what's happening. Is there still hope for recovery in your situation?

Thank you. It went pretty well. I'm sorry you had a rough time :( and that we're in the same shitty college boat T-T I hope it gets better too

I'm not sure. I want to CTB mostly because of philosophical reasons and mental issues (AuHD, genetic depression, anxiety). My mental issues cause anhedonia and feeling like an outcast.

I've been on many medications and tried many things (exercise, hobbies, etc) to deal with my depression but none have worked. It would take an immense amount of effort just to try and find something that works. Additionally, autism isn't treatable, and it's largely why I feel outcast. It may also contribute to my anhedonia/boredom.

My philosophy is in short: There's no reason to live if you don't want and/or don't enjoy it, and enjoyment is meaningless anyway.

I don't really want to live because of the aforementioned mental issues lowering my QoL and my existential ideas make me uninterested in even a good life.

Also sorry for the late response I fell asleep halfway through writing this >_>

 

[sugarb]

2:07 AM

Mother Tree

I am a fruit of you, mother
A weight on your branch
Bending soft applewood
Never past breaking

I fall to your roots, mother
And roll to a stop there
But with rainfall rushing
I am swept far away

I grow poorly, mother
The leaves you scattered
Far out of my grasp
But your roots reach mine

I take hold, mother
Intertwining with you
And so I struggle
Up towards the sun

-
I think it's pretty good. I'm calling it a night. See you later, SaSu.

 

[sugarb]

1:41 AM

Been listening to a lot of music lately, burning through albums. Alice in Chains, Stone Temple Pilots. It's how I get through homework.

It's… going ok, I guess. I have a shitload of stuff to do this week, more than I'd like by a pretty large margin. I finished everything from last week and one class for this week, but there's this project thingie and, well, y'know… Midterms are in a month, which I don't care for. I hope I'll be ready by then.

I'm having some weird body feelings. My arms and hands feel too long, a bit too slim past the elbow. My jaw bone feels sort of bumpy towards the back when I touch it. My movement feels alien when I'm by myself; I feel like some kind of ghost or cryptid, something seen from far away that's strange or even frightening. I perch, shamble, take oddly long strides, creep, wander, trudge, walk jankily. I am utterly and bizarrely disjointed.

-

I spent a while thinking up sci-fi/horror ideas but i actually don't wanna post them because if i don't want em stolen and/or for me to be connected to this site on the off chance I actually make something out of them lol

2:39 AM

 

[sugarb]

2:45 PM

I stayed up till like 6:00 last night. Would not recommend, I feel kinda icky.

Haven't showered in more days than I should. Again, feeling icky.

I don't know how I'm going to keep this up. I don't want to do any more work, man. I'm tired. And I'm only three weeks along. Genuinely, the fuck do I do? How do I lock in when I don't want what's at the end of the tunnel? I just want to get my license, practice driving, go to the gun store, buy a shotgun, head up north to the beautiful place and kill myself, either in the parking lot in my car or out on the plains.

I really just don't want to do this shit but I have to or my parents will be upset/disappointed (possibly restricting my freedom, which would be terrible) and maybe charge me rent. I can't have them charging me rent- I don't have a source of income to buy a shotgun, so if my funds dip too low, I'd have to get a job, which I don't think I can handle.

I just wish I had something to push me forwards. Anything.

I made the attached artworks for funsies earlier. I think they're neat.

3:00 PM

 

[sugarb]

11:52 PM

Haven't done any work today. Planned on doing some, ended up not. I don't know what to do apart from passing time. I guess I just have to go all out tomorrow.

Attached are two things of mine

1. Digital art. I think it's neat
2. A heron. Grainy pic but I like it for some reason.

I'm gonna mess around some more, I guess. The boredom is chronic atp.

Finished The Godfather. it was good

aaand that's all for now. might post again in a bit we'll see

11:57

 

[sugarb]

11:03 PM

I just want to do it and get out of here. I'm tired of feeling human emotion and suffering from human flaws, being beholden to human thoughts and human words and human ideology and human society. I want to free my soul from my brain. Spread my wings and fly away off into the clouds and wake up on my back in a field somewhere there's nobody but me, somewhere I don't have to think or feel or be. I want to snuff the candle out.

I try to empathize with and understand people, to be universally kind and civil. But it hurts me when other people don't extend the same courtesy and it makes it more difficult to be good. I'm not perfect at all but generally I genuinely try my best to be good to others and understand why they feel how they do, whoever they are.

Sometimes I'll lurk in spots where I know if I said anything that spoke to who and what I am they'd hate and shun me. Mostly just people I disagree with; extremists of varying ideology and demographic. I want to communicate to people who hate me that I care about them and that I just want them to like me, or that I want them to not hate others. Is that strange? I don't know.

From a logical standpoint I get it but from a fundamental emotional standpoint I don't understand why some people wouldn't want to give me a hug or play games together or go on a roadtrip or something

I'm kind of just rambling atp but:

1. I am disgusted at human sin, bored by human wonders, and tormented by human social norms. I want to transcend human existence and be free. I don't want to be touched

while simultaneously

2. I feel an extreme sense of brotherhood/sisterhood/etc towards everyone regardless of who they are, want to be good to them, and heavily emphasize with them and will try my best to be kind.

I think this is one of my contradictions unfortunately. Inhuman urge for death and super-human urge for love. I don't know how to deal with this except via a very superhuman death or a very inhuman love, because my physical body can neither be totally one with everything or totally apart from everything. As such I can only either shut off my heart and live as a masked machine or destroy myself with heart gushing.

Additionally I yearn to meet myself, to be admired by someone just like me.

anyway

in other news I'm gonna watch the trigun movie

11:32 PM

 

[sugarb]

8:05 PM

Things are okay-er than usual. I haven't withdrawn from any classes yet (would still like to withdraw from at least one though) but my deadlines aren't too intimidating.

Also, I watched Trigun: Badlands Rumble. Trigun (and Gungrave, another series by the same guy) are pretty much my favorite anime. Like, I just hold them close to my heart and really like the characters/worldbuilding/story. I think they're cool, clever, well done, heartwarming, etc.

And the movie was good! There were a few hammy lines or mid jokes and a bit of the plot at the end wasn't the best done but as I said I really love the characters/world and so didn't mind lol. it's not really important to the canon, just a fun thing

The bad part is that now there's no more. :( I wish Trigun was a 900 episode shonen with lots of filler! all the stuff I love is one season long istg

In other news I looked out a window of my house and saw a girl in a hijab meditating (in pose) by the pond. It was a bit surreal; I've just never seen anyone wearing a hijab anywhere in my suburban town before except like once in school. I just sort of glanced and thought "huh" before walking away, and when I looked again like ten minutes later she was gone. I've also just never seen anyone but me staring off into space like that around the pond.

anywho- I'm gonna charge my phone, use the bathroom, go on a walk, watch the sun set, go home, take a shower, do some homework, possibly watch a movie and then go to sleep. Might post again.

8:19 PM

 

[sugarb]

1:21 AM

I've got a lot to do tomorrow, which sucks. I could write a lot about that but it boils down to me just not wanting to.

I miss how things used to be. Watching cartoons with my cousins at grandma's on holidays, getting excited over silly things, dreaming of big things, believing in something, getting immersed in fictional worlds and characters, drawing poorly and having fun anyway- enjoying things. Genuinely enjoying things. I hate my brain so goddamn much. I want to be a child again, without these gangly limbs and heavy thoughts.

I wish I could exist without identity and this crippling awareness. Wipe away my ability to see myself and the universe, and just simply exist. Never question, never think, never fold back in over myself. I return and turn again; I grow every day. Like a tumor.

Every argument and bit of logic I can come up with in my head can't deny the simple fact that I won't have to deal with this when I'm dead.

If I'm dead, I don't have to form an opinion, I don't have to work and struggle, I don't have to pursue my interests and accept mediocrity or failure, I don't have to deal with disassociation and self-torment and existential despair, I don't have to deal with boredom, I don't have to deal with the pain it'll cause everyone, I don't have to deal with the disappointments and agonies of the world. I can be free in a way that's impossible here with the pull of a trigger. Instantly- freedom! And then nothing. No consequences, no more struggle, no more thoughts and nightmares and guilt and yearning. I just have to be strong enough to get there, to do it, to struggle on a little while longer, be courageous, hold fast, strike at myself and end it. Rebellion against the world and nature. Self-actualization. Chasing down the dream and making it my own.

I must above all be courageous. Stand for myself and fall because I want to. And be free.

1:42 AM

 

[sugarb]

1:13 AM

I got my work done okay. I've plenty to do tomorrow, but at least I'm not as pressed.

I got distracted from writing for a few hours and now it's practically 3:00 AM so I'm just gonna end things here. Gn yall.

2:58 AM

 

[sugarb]

7:04 PM

Pretty good/productive day, did work and set a schedule for myself in regards to work this week. Should be pretty easy/chill.

But unfortunately I feel kinda sad. Was reading stuff online

I empathize with and understand why some women get upset at men as a whole for violence and etc, but it still hurts to be lumped in with rapists and murderers because of my gender; to be treated like a wild animal or a bomb that could go off at any moment. I've experienced being seen that way on occasion since I was like 12 and it probably stunted my development in some ways. It doesn't help that I have intrusive thoughts. As such I've internalized a bit of that

Semi-related: I don't want to live in a world where I'm a loser or a creep or a bad person, where I'm always analyzing and walking on eggshells because it seems like my natural tendency is to be a weirdo. I understand that that's all relative, and I've been trying to completely not care about how I'm perceived since kindergarten, but I still care. Even if it's the opinion of people I dislike or who I know to be wrong.

I can't mesh my empathy, my nature, and the thoughts resulting from each.

I got distracted making some cruddy doodles whilst writing this. it's about 8:30 now

That's all for the moment. Might write more later

8:34 PM

-

9:55 PM

Yeah, no, I just can't take being alive.

I have no community to support me. No meaningful solidarity with anyone. Nobody cares. When I shoot myself, I'll just be another blip on the bean counter of unremarkable autistic virgins who killed themselves. Nobody's coming to try and save me, even if I wanted that. My emotions are unimportant, my pain pales in comparison to everyone else's. My anxieties don't matter. I'm just supposed to shut up and take it all, all by myself, forever. Be a freak until I die, and be content. I can't ever feel honestly and unrestrained or just speak my mind. I have to give time to other perspectives. And the way my brain works is inherently taboo, inherently evil to others, and it's so often evil to me, too.

I can't even be secure in my decision to not pursue relationships, because I'll always face stigma from others regardless and question myself if it really is my decision at all and if I'm not just a fucking loser. As much as I try to I can't fully trick myself into disregarding expectations and my instincts and killing the brainworms.

I need to get my license ASAP, drive to the gun store and then shoot myself. I won't have any consequences. I won't feel like this ever again. I won't have to say sorry to my mom and dad and my brother and grandparents and cousins and my friends. I won't hate myself for failing at every creative endeavor, or for being an emotional mess, or for being dumb, or for any of my other flaws. I'll just get to be free. No worries, no shame, no guilt, no consequence. No-one to hurt me, not even myself. No more questioning it all. Once I kill myself I won't even have the risk of being a bad person anymore. I won't be disgusting at all. I'll be smooth and light, airy and soft. No more of anything at all.

I wish I could just do it tonight instead of spending more time using people to entertain myself. I don't care about anyone, I'm just bored. And every relationship I have is founded on that lie.

It doesn't matter.

I'm just upset again. I hate that I can have a good day in every material way and still cry alone in my room because I'm a little bitch. I hate being part of an out-group. I don't want to be afraid of people finding out how much sex I have and making fun of me. I want to be happy and think good thoughts and have the right opinions about everything so everyone likes me, as childish as that is. I hate that one look in my head would scare off all my friends, knowing how I am inside. Very dark and strange and shaky with sharp edges all over. I wish I could be how I am on the outside when I'm masking well on the inside.

I'm done for now. None of what I've written here matters anyway. I'll just keep producing garbage both physically, mentally, and artistically while rotting inside until I die.

-

I'm gonna try and do some random digital art now
goodnight sasu. I'm sorry I'm always weird like this. I wish I was normal, but I don't think it was ever in the cards. At least I haven't hurt anyone

10:43 PM

 

[sugarb]

1:56 AM

Today was much much much better I'm happy to say. I ate some ramen with crappy EZ beef with my family, joked around, played a game (a hobby I neglect), walked around the pond.

The pond was really nice today. The wind was good, wasn't too hot... I listened to some zone out type music and daydreamed about little half inch tall people exploring the vast seashore and all the grass was trees.

Myself a titanic silent beast that comes and goes mostly-harmlessly. Adventures in a monolithic cavern (read: drainage pipe). etc

And I was productive. Did all the work I'd planned for today AND all the work from tomorrow so I moved up the work from Friday. woot! feeling very productive

I've also been listening to some sweet tunes. Sabbath, Maiden, and found a new random 1996 album to enjoy, ooo!

so yeah overall I lost myself in joy a bit today. It was nice.

I love you guys and hope you get to have a day like I did yourselves. Hopefully even better!

Goodnight Sasu.

2:18 AM

-

5:22 AM

Didn't sleep. I really need to know, it's way too late.

I made a friend whilst shitposting :)

-

Pond Afternoon

I sat down by the waterside and took the heart the rippling
The mirror sheen's harsh shivering that broke upon the shore
I dipped a hand into the black and dove deep for the bottom
And came back with a palm of mud most rancid and forgotten
Waving green the plant stalks rise and ramble with the wind
And to the dreary turf from me the pondscum lays it's head
Dark dribbles from my fingertips fill valleys where before
Laid only dirt crevasses hollowed out beside the waterside

-

that's all for a while, I'm tired. Gn for real sasu

5:25 AM

 

[sugarb]

11:38 PM

Had another pretty good day. VERY productive if nothing else, I'm a week or more ahead in 3 of my classes and only have one thing to do within 2 days. Which is good ^^ woohoo.

Unfortunately at the moment I am ULTRA bored. Kinda fidgety. I wish I had a job with spearing fish. This is strange to say but I want to kill clean cook and eat an animal right now. I want meat with salt on a stick. Urghh.

I don't wanna watch a movie and I can't play a game because it's midnight and my brother has school in the morning. I also don't wanna do any art or music or etc. I'm burnt tf out. Don't really want to talk to anyone either.

Wish I had a giant block of clay to mold. Good thick red clay. And some clay shaping tools, too.

blegh. so bored. That's actually why I was so productive earlier- boredom. Need stimulation

It's fine. I'll figure something out, I guess.

11:51 PM