losttagain
Member
- Sep 10, 2024
- 60
We suffer because we are afraid. Fear is the mind killer. Love can't be felt or seen in a mind that is filled with fear and anger. Art and creating is a refugee, but I find myself what is the meaning of even trying to express myself if I'm not letting any other form of life in.
I know all the theory. Why can't I do it? Why can't I survive like everyone else? Why do I hide, why do I run away, why do I close my eyes so strongly that nothing good or even bad can come in.
I'm so tired of my victim mentally, I'm so tired of being so used to loneliness that when I'm with others I feel like a mask is on my full body. I'm so tired of having not let myself develop as a person. I'm so tired of being a ghost. I'm so tired of saying I'm tired and not trying. I'm so tired of seeing the use in trying but just not have the will to. I am so afraid of basically knowing that I will keep coming back to this earth until I'm not tired anymore and be able to love life people and the world. Even if i don't come back, im so afraid that i will keep suffering like this somewhere else out of my body until I learn my lesson. I just know there won't be nothingness after this. The universe is too big and powerful for that. There's no escape
David lynch just died and he was my all time inspiration. To me he was the most amazing and wise human being. People like that can rest. They lived, TRULY lived, and they can rest now. I just don't believe a person like me who has tried so little can rest. I have nothing to rest from. My life has practically been depression and fear and escape the entire time. The universe won't be that kind to me. I wish there was nothingness after this, but deep down I think everyone knows that's not gonna happen. Just look at nature. Nothing just disappears, everything is a cycle, things die and are eaten and by being eaten they come back to a physical form. There's no escaping. Death won't bring any peace, and I'm so fucking afraid of that. Coward. I know everything I should be doing and I chose not to. Depression is obviously not a choice but lack of investigation and love is. We wanna die because we're not curious anymore, if you look at a child they love being alive, everything excites them, they go to everyone and hug them and love them. We're still those children, just in an older body and with a mind that has been polluted by society and by the human race in general. That doesn't mean the human race is evil, it's just so hard to be good. Idk what I'm saying anymore, I'm not even spiritual, I just know there won't be nothingness. Ofc your body dies, your brain dies, you won't suffer anymore physically or mentally. But your energy will still be around and if that energy is in a such poorly condition I don't think it will go to very nice places. Idk . My sn is coming. I'm 99% sure I'm gonna do it. It just saddens me all these stuff. The potential I wasted , the potential that every children born wastes when they become self destructive. I have so much I wanna do, but I can't get out of my fucjing bed. The work that would have to be gone for me to be even functional already makes me give up. We are choosing to give up. And that's ok. It's just very sad. And the saddest part is this feeling that we will never truly disappear. Stuck in this universe forever until we can be in tune with it. Imagine coming back. And having to start again just where you left in this life. Imagine how many lives you would have to live to have true peace. I'm so sorry… for all of us, for the universe for having exploded and created all this nonsense. It has good parts, but the suffering is so big. Why? What for? Just out of boredom? Just for the fun of seeing things being created and then dying and then birthing and then dying. It's all nonsense to me. And love isn't big enough to save me. I'm so sorry
And I'm so sorry for the people that read this whole thing hsjsjsj I may save this for my suicide note.
I know all the theory. Why can't I do it? Why can't I survive like everyone else? Why do I hide, why do I run away, why do I close my eyes so strongly that nothing good or even bad can come in.
I'm so tired of my victim mentally, I'm so tired of being so used to loneliness that when I'm with others I feel like a mask is on my full body. I'm so tired of having not let myself develop as a person. I'm so tired of being a ghost. I'm so tired of saying I'm tired and not trying. I'm so tired of seeing the use in trying but just not have the will to. I am so afraid of basically knowing that I will keep coming back to this earth until I'm not tired anymore and be able to love life people and the world. Even if i don't come back, im so afraid that i will keep suffering like this somewhere else out of my body until I learn my lesson. I just know there won't be nothingness after this. The universe is too big and powerful for that. There's no escape
David lynch just died and he was my all time inspiration. To me he was the most amazing and wise human being. People like that can rest. They lived, TRULY lived, and they can rest now. I just don't believe a person like me who has tried so little can rest. I have nothing to rest from. My life has practically been depression and fear and escape the entire time. The universe won't be that kind to me. I wish there was nothingness after this, but deep down I think everyone knows that's not gonna happen. Just look at nature. Nothing just disappears, everything is a cycle, things die and are eaten and by being eaten they come back to a physical form. There's no escaping. Death won't bring any peace, and I'm so fucking afraid of that. Coward. I know everything I should be doing and I chose not to. Depression is obviously not a choice but lack of investigation and love is. We wanna die because we're not curious anymore, if you look at a child they love being alive, everything excites them, they go to everyone and hug them and love them. We're still those children, just in an older body and with a mind that has been polluted by society and by the human race in general. That doesn't mean the human race is evil, it's just so hard to be good. Idk what I'm saying anymore, I'm not even spiritual, I just know there won't be nothingness. Ofc your body dies, your brain dies, you won't suffer anymore physically or mentally. But your energy will still be around and if that energy is in a such poorly condition I don't think it will go to very nice places. Idk . My sn is coming. I'm 99% sure I'm gonna do it. It just saddens me all these stuff. The potential I wasted , the potential that every children born wastes when they become self destructive. I have so much I wanna do, but I can't get out of my fucjing bed. The work that would have to be gone for me to be even functional already makes me give up. We are choosing to give up. And that's ok. It's just very sad. And the saddest part is this feeling that we will never truly disappear. Stuck in this universe forever until we can be in tune with it. Imagine coming back. And having to start again just where you left in this life. Imagine how many lives you would have to live to have true peace. I'm so sorry… for all of us, for the universe for having exploded and created all this nonsense. It has good parts, but the suffering is so big. Why? What for? Just out of boredom? Just for the fun of seeing things being created and then dying and then birthing and then dying. It's all nonsense to me. And love isn't big enough to save me. I'm so sorry
And I'm so sorry for the people that read this whole thing hsjsjsj I may save this for my suicide note.
