strawberrydino
Member
- Sep 17, 2023
- 37
i have friends. and most days we are friends. but sometimes it really doesnt. friend group a is mostly fem and theres this stupid drama going on. and i just dont get it. why do we have drama, why am i always the last to know. stupid shit by one person specifically that didnt buy me and my other friend in the group tickets for a group activity. and the rest of the group apparently knew and didnt tell me till a year after. and i dont want to annoyed or have problems it just how can i not have a problem with that.
two ppl in that friendgroup went on a trip alone together for three days. and i really thought me and the person in that trip were like best friends.(may or may not had a crush on ber previously but now in the state of i wish we were best friends). which we arent. i dont think im best friends with any of them. do we even care about each other in a way that is not superficial. when we went to school together we could actually talk feelings but now we're halfway across the country i dont speak to you or know any of you guys anymore. is it worth being in a friendgroup rife with strife. are we friends if you have ten different group chats all ignoring a little bit of every person.
friend group b is all guys. kinda kills me bc im afab and nb but havent told them bc it just feels like a whole thing(theyd probably just accept it). i hate it. i mean i love them and theyre accepting its just this sex gap ig. or maybe its me. they call each other casually and ig im not in the culture of doing that. plus as guys when they talk abt shit like ball shaving not like i have much input.
its just also a bit weird cuz thats the friend group me and my partner met through and hes great. but hes so much more accepted(?) in that group like hes more of a core member. maybe my whole mentality of core members of a group is fucking me up, but thats how it feels.
even friend group b is crumbling a bit. we're all in a club together and so one of them keeps taking all the leadership burden on themselves and stressing themself out. but also they signed themselves up for it. and now it feels like its extending into our personal lives that they are trying to control(? assert leadership) over. and i should just tell them but they get super defensive. i dont know.
plus the one friend im actually close to in friend group b is the guy who had a crush on me. and sometimes theres a slightly weird vibe and idk how my partner feels abt me being like besties with the guy. cuz we talk crazy sex shit cuz thats who we are and i dont know. thats kind if a situation i feel like. and i feel like i felt very excluded from the group cuz they would mention crazy blank that he said and id be like why am i always the last to know. and its because he felt weird telling me shit when he had a crush on me. godfucking dammit. why does sex matter so much in friendship. i hate it. i hate that i cant fucking dap up and be like "one of the boys" or some bullcrap like that. YEAH NO SHIT I CANT HIT A FUCKING GOOD DAPPUP thats not who i was friends with before. id like to see u lot take a nice photo of a hangout(not exactly equivocal but like theres all these social norms and ways different sexes were brought up. that makes a dappup easy for males i feel like. and females take pictures of hangouts) i just dont fit there or anywhere.
it just feels like a lot. and theyre taking up so much of my time but i feel like if i dont hangout with friendgroup b i wont be a member of that group. and i hate it because i have anxiety and probably an inferiority complex. i just need some time without everyone.
including my partner and i dont know how to say that to him because its his first relationship and its only been two months. and everything just feels like a lot.
college applications are coming and my exams are coming and i think im not going to keep up straight a's this semester. i know they wont treat me differently for going to a worse school but im so deeply anxious they will or theyll think less of me. because i'll think less about myself.
also i had kinda sex with my partner and it was highkey awful cuz the condom was too tight. and like he kinda has a funky shaped dick in that its very girthy(?). im highkey just venting everything. and it kinda seems painful. but i guess the relevant thing is that it's(as in sex) with him is not easy like i wish itd be. i wish i could just easily find that physical release.
also he kinda jerked off and i was rubbing down on the cum and im highkey really paranoid im pregnant. i think i used the same finger to touch the cum and myself(as in vagina). im gonna end it all(not really). its just anxiety probably. but i think stress is cooking me cuz i havent had my period in 70 days.
i hate it. i hate having anxiety. i just need to go back to my therapist clearly. i hate i hate it i hate it.
this whole rant should have just gone in my personal rant thread. but im really down and kinda just need advice and comfort i guess. is it pathetic to seek that from strangers, yeah. but whatever. i just feel stupid all the time.
i dont even know if i have a true true friend. like i dont know if we're at the point with my partner even to talk about emotions i dont want to overload him with the amount of negative shit im always feeling. he said he loves me but i think i pressured him a little into saying it. its been two months of like actual dating and like two three months of bullshit "platonic" one on one midnight beach hangouts. i think i need to go crash out on the beach.
also not to be super priveliged but i hate being at home. i love my parents(i live with them) but its suffocating. im in the loft and its like theres no privacy when i just need to scream cry. and like i dont know it irrtates me. i cant even call my friends without everyone in the fucking household knowing. i dont want that. and so i stay out the house but then they get annoyed. and its like yeah you say its okay to be in the house and study and talk but it isnt. i need privacy on these calls and i want to have late night convos where you can sleep without hearing me talk with my friends. im just frustrated with everything.
tldr friend group a is ingroup/outgroup mostly fem, friend group b is guys and incidental exclusion, paranoia over pregnancy, general hatred of gender and life
two ppl in that friendgroup went on a trip alone together for three days. and i really thought me and the person in that trip were like best friends.(may or may not had a crush on ber previously but now in the state of i wish we were best friends). which we arent. i dont think im best friends with any of them. do we even care about each other in a way that is not superficial. when we went to school together we could actually talk feelings but now we're halfway across the country i dont speak to you or know any of you guys anymore. is it worth being in a friendgroup rife with strife. are we friends if you have ten different group chats all ignoring a little bit of every person.
friend group b is all guys. kinda kills me bc im afab and nb but havent told them bc it just feels like a whole thing(theyd probably just accept it). i hate it. i mean i love them and theyre accepting its just this sex gap ig. or maybe its me. they call each other casually and ig im not in the culture of doing that. plus as guys when they talk abt shit like ball shaving not like i have much input.
its just also a bit weird cuz thats the friend group me and my partner met through and hes great. but hes so much more accepted(?) in that group like hes more of a core member. maybe my whole mentality of core members of a group is fucking me up, but thats how it feels.
even friend group b is crumbling a bit. we're all in a club together and so one of them keeps taking all the leadership burden on themselves and stressing themself out. but also they signed themselves up for it. and now it feels like its extending into our personal lives that they are trying to control(? assert leadership) over. and i should just tell them but they get super defensive. i dont know.
plus the one friend im actually close to in friend group b is the guy who had a crush on me. and sometimes theres a slightly weird vibe and idk how my partner feels abt me being like besties with the guy. cuz we talk crazy sex shit cuz thats who we are and i dont know. thats kind if a situation i feel like. and i feel like i felt very excluded from the group cuz they would mention crazy blank that he said and id be like why am i always the last to know. and its because he felt weird telling me shit when he had a crush on me. godfucking dammit. why does sex matter so much in friendship. i hate it. i hate that i cant fucking dap up and be like "one of the boys" or some bullcrap like that. YEAH NO SHIT I CANT HIT A FUCKING GOOD DAPPUP thats not who i was friends with before. id like to see u lot take a nice photo of a hangout(not exactly equivocal but like theres all these social norms and ways different sexes were brought up. that makes a dappup easy for males i feel like. and females take pictures of hangouts) i just dont fit there or anywhere.
it just feels like a lot. and theyre taking up so much of my time but i feel like if i dont hangout with friendgroup b i wont be a member of that group. and i hate it because i have anxiety and probably an inferiority complex. i just need some time without everyone.
including my partner and i dont know how to say that to him because its his first relationship and its only been two months. and everything just feels like a lot.
college applications are coming and my exams are coming and i think im not going to keep up straight a's this semester. i know they wont treat me differently for going to a worse school but im so deeply anxious they will or theyll think less of me. because i'll think less about myself.
also i had kinda sex with my partner and it was highkey awful cuz the condom was too tight. and like he kinda has a funky shaped dick in that its very girthy(?). im highkey just venting everything. and it kinda seems painful. but i guess the relevant thing is that it's(as in sex) with him is not easy like i wish itd be. i wish i could just easily find that physical release.
also he kinda jerked off and i was rubbing down on the cum and im highkey really paranoid im pregnant. i think i used the same finger to touch the cum and myself(as in vagina). im gonna end it all(not really). its just anxiety probably. but i think stress is cooking me cuz i havent had my period in 70 days.
i hate it. i hate having anxiety. i just need to go back to my therapist clearly. i hate i hate it i hate it.
this whole rant should have just gone in my personal rant thread. but im really down and kinda just need advice and comfort i guess. is it pathetic to seek that from strangers, yeah. but whatever. i just feel stupid all the time.
i dont even know if i have a true true friend. like i dont know if we're at the point with my partner even to talk about emotions i dont want to overload him with the amount of negative shit im always feeling. he said he loves me but i think i pressured him a little into saying it. its been two months of like actual dating and like two three months of bullshit "platonic" one on one midnight beach hangouts. i think i need to go crash out on the beach.
also not to be super priveliged but i hate being at home. i love my parents(i live with them) but its suffocating. im in the loft and its like theres no privacy when i just need to scream cry. and like i dont know it irrtates me. i cant even call my friends without everyone in the fucking household knowing. i dont want that. and so i stay out the house but then they get annoyed. and its like yeah you say its okay to be in the house and study and talk but it isnt. i need privacy on these calls and i want to have late night convos where you can sleep without hearing me talk with my friends. im just frustrated with everything.
tldr friend group a is ingroup/outgroup mostly fem, friend group b is guys and incidental exclusion, paranoia over pregnancy, general hatred of gender and life
