"stupid" reason for CTB

[cath55555]

today I woke up feeling fine- actually, pretty well rested. and then I checked Facebook.

some backstory: I've just turned 22 and am an AFAB person who identities as non binary. I've been kind of messing around with this guy since February, and last night we were literally messaging all night. some of it was sexting and he literally said he wanted to meet and do stuff "soon". he's claimed from the start that he didn't want a serious relationship, and while I do, eventually, I didn't expect one with him. he also said repeatedly at the start he didn't want to hurt me. well fellas guess what he's gone and done!!

I woke up this morning feeling alright, actually I'd slept pretty well last night and I actually didn't feel as dead as usual. and then I checked Facebook and not only is he now "in a relationship" with a woman I've not heard of, but he's created an album for photos of her and is already posting away in there.

I feel more angry than anything, angry that I really believed he didn't want to hurt me and that I trusted him. I didn't expect what we had to come to a relationship but at the same time to me at least it seems like a dick move to say that you don't want to hurt someone because you don't want a relationship with anyone but then engage with someone else in a totally different way and start a relationship while still seeing the former?

this feels like a "final straw" moment for me. I live with my abusive mother, last Sunday was my birthday and I had a shit day for the most part, Monday mum and I had a blazing argument and I'm on the verge of being kicked out of my home because it's her name on the mortgage. I'm severely depressed in general and my eating disorder is starting to creep back into my life. all of these things combined actually make me wonder why the fuck I've not done it yet and to be honest the only things stopping me from doing it *this second* are my cats and the fact that I don't want everyone to think this guy made me CTB. it's not because of him solely- I wanted to anyway, this is just an extra little jab of "may as well".

 

[FuneralCry]

The unfortunate reality is that you certainly cannot trust people in this world, that is the reality, there are so many cruel and insensitive humans that exist here. But anyway I wish you the best, it sounds really awful and tiring what you have to go through, there certainly is no relief from suffering in this world.

 

[Jezzibell]

I'm so sorry this has happened. What a dick. Better you found out now and not later when you would have been more invested. I'd love to say - you are young, live your life with all the fabulousness that you are but the choice is yours to make. Xxxxxxx

 

[TAW122]

I don't think there is ever such a "stupid" reason for CTB, or really any reason. All reasons are valid and unique to each individual. No individual person experiences life the same as another... I'm sorry to hear about your plight and I hope you are able to find the peace you are looking for.

 

[pickajack]

What an asswipe. How did you manage your eating disorder in the past? Kudos to you for having previously achieved progress/recovery. Is there some support you can reach out to? Sending my best, hi to your kitties, and (belated) Happy Birthday :)

 

[11April]

There are no stupid reasons. It's all about perception. What is not a problem for one may be a disaster for another. It's all about perception. If a person is really bad, then this is a problem.

 

[cath55555]

I'm so sorry this has happened. What a dick. Better you found out now and not later when you would have been more invested. I'd love to say - you are young, live your life with all the fabulousness that you are but the choice is yours to make. Xxxxxxx

a friend of mine said something similar when I told her what happened- that it's probably best for me because even though it made me angry, if I *had* have got in a relationship with him, the other girl might be in my situation and I wouldn't know. it's frustrating to think that I poured energy into caring about him when he claimed to do the same, only to end up with me feeling disrespected...

 

[bunn1bel]

I'm sorry that happened to you, I can 100% understand why you feel disrespected. It's like, did he really not want a relationship or did he just not want one with you?? I've been there & it made me start to wonder if it was something about me that made me undateable, but fuckable >_>

I had a breakup recently and I'm kind of in the same boat as you with it being a final straw situation, but also not wanting others to think I fucking killed myself for a boy. It feels awfully dismissive of the very real pain we've endured for a long time to have it diminished down to "boy problems"…

 

[cath55555]

What an asswipe. How did you manage your eating disorder in the past? Kudos to you for having previously achieved progress/recovery. Is there some support you can reach out to? Sending my best, hi to your kitties, and (belated) Happy Birthday :)

I first struggled with my ED 7 years ago, and just before I turned 18 I managed to recover as I was finishing therapy and I had support from my friends at the time. When COVID hit it caused a relapse and since then I've been on and off where I seem to struggle really badly for a couple of months, then temporarily make progress, then when the stress gets too much I turn to ye olde faithful bulimia :/ I saw community mental health last month and they tried ringing me, my phone is absolutely fucked and I didn't get the call through so they discharged me even though I called back a couple days later when I finally got their voicemail through. it's frustrating that they can take a month to call back and deem that as fine but I get under a week to call them and I'm discharged because I miss one call.

thank you for the kind words and birthday wishes :) oh, and my kitties say hi too (well they say meow but I'm translating ahaha)

I'm sorry that happened to you, I can 100% understand why you feel disrespected. It's like, did he really not want a relationship or did he just not want one with you?? I've been there & it made me start to wonder if it was something about me that made me undateable, but fuckable >_>

I had a breakup recently and I'm kind of in the same boat as you with it being a final straw situation, but also not wanting others to think I fucking killed myself for a boy. It feels awfully dismissive of the very real pain we've endured for a long time to have it diminished down to "boy problems"…

exactly- that's literally how I feel. I'm sorry that you understand the feeling too. this happened with a friend before, where they said that had a crush on me, then when we messed around they went all cool and "didn't want a relationship in case it ruined the friendship". luckily I didn't sleep with that person, but I did sleep with the guy I mentioned firstly in my post. it feels like he just wanted sex (and from the way he was talking, still does) and it feels awful now because I know that's all I am to him, when I actually did believe that he gave a fuck.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been through a breakup recently- it's definitely difficult when people diminish everything down to "oh they died over an ex partner". it's really frustrating actually that people only see the last thing and not everything that led up to it :/