Venting Stuck

[struggles_inc]

I don't know if it belongs to this thread or recovery thread.

I'm stuck in a vicious circle of suicidal thoughts and recovery attempts.
Every day I tell myself I can do better, try to go through the day not fucking up.
I end up drinking again, and again, and again. And when I drink, I already feel hopeless and don't see the point in stopping, so I end up embarrassingly drunk.

Then I wake up the next day feeling so guilty and ashamed of myself, knowing I can do better.

Then it repeats.
Guess I'm fucked.
I have my gym membership, good food in the fridge, my bike, all the time in the world. But when I come home, I just get hammered. If I'm out of booze, I buy some. It feels like my mind will kill me if I don't drink. Like alcohol soothes my thoughts. It actually really calms me. I can smile sincerely only when drunk.

 

[wagner2029]

I don't know if it belongs to this thread or recovery thread.

I'm stuck in a vicious circle of suicidal thoughts and recovery attempts.
Every day I tell myself I can do better, try to go through the day not fucking up.
I end up drinking again, and again, and again. And when I drink, I already feel hopeless and don't see the point in stopping, so I end up embarrassingly drunk.

Then I wake up the next day feeling so guilty and ashamed of myself, knowing I can do better.

Then it repeats.
Guess I'm fucked.
I have my gym membership, good food in the fridge, my bike, all the time in the world. But when I come home, I just get hammered. If I'm out of booze, I buy some. It feels like my mind will kill me if I don't drink. Like alcohol soothes my thoughts. It actually really calms me. I can smile sincerely only when drunk.

Have you tried any antidepressants? Fluoxyetine is very mild and usually helps a lot.
What bothers you that makes you feel like escaping reality?

 

[struggles_inc]

Have you tried any antidepressants? Fluoxyetine is very mild and usually helps a lot.
What bothers you that makes you feel like escaping reality?

I really don't want pills… I'm already an addict I think.

 

[wagner2029]

I really don't want pills… I'm already an addict I think.

Without medication it will be more difficult to get out of this.
fluoxetine is very mild, even pregnant women can take it, you can buy it at a compounding pharmacy, it is a myth that any medicine is addictive, first you need to get out of that hole, then you stop taking the medicine slowly.
Try doing something different, download a game on your cell phone, hidden object games are easy to play and entertain for several hours.
try Mind Snares: Alice's Journey