Help Stuck in limbo

[sohopelessandempty]

The conflict of wanting to recover vs not wanting to, and even wanting to get worse. I'm sure most of us have experienced this but how do I stop being in limbo and just pick one? Because I can't decide and haven't been able to for many many years, I haven't accomplished either. I am in a weird in-between state and that literally gets me nowhere. Nobody can make me choose anything but how do people figure out what they truly want? I am always changing my mind on what I want, and it's exhausting and doesn't even give me what I want on either side of the coin. It's okay to change my mind and okay to be undecided but I'm just tired of always switching. It keeps me trapped and then I don't get anything I thought I wanted.

 

[just_a_guy]

I sympathize with what you're going through. I've had the same. My new plan is to do anything I can to slowly harm myself physically like vaping, weed, alcohol, no eating for days etc. I will destroy myself with culpable deniability so that the people I care for can see me go slowly instead of one event, since that's what people are more comfortable with. I'm over wanting to be better. I keep giving, and I'm broken and empty. I wish you well in figuring this out sohopelessandempty.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

I sympathize with what you're going through. I've had the same. My new plan is to do anything I can to slowly harm myself physically like vaping, weed, alcohol, no eating for days etc. I will destroy myself with culpable deniability so that the people I care for can see me go slowly instead of one event, since that's what people are more comfortable with. I'm over wanting to be better. I keep giving, and I'm broken and empty. I wish you well in figuring this out sohopelessandempty.

I understand this too. However I will say whether people are more comfortable with you going slower is debatable, maybe you're right since I don't know them but generally the saying "rip off the bandaid" exists for a reason. Slowly is longer suffering while quickly hurts more at first but it's over sooner. Do what you want though. Also, I have friends who smoke weed and it actually makes them feel better and my friend sometimes wants to die until she gets her cart and realizes sometimes it's not that serious lol. So just keep that in mind. Drugs can be fun so maybe not the best choice if you really want to get worse??? Not denying they can be bad though. There's obviously a difference between someone who drinks to have fun at parties vs someone who drinks to hurt themselves. Also, how long did it take you to decide what you want to do instead of being stuck in between two choices?

 

[just_a_guy]

It took years to get to this point. Years, where I have had disappointment after disappointment, where I gave way too much to people, and got very little back. I don't do any of these things socially, since I don't have friends. I just do it to escape reality for a bit, and to hopefully worsen my physical situation. I also have intense self hatred, so it feels right to do these things to myself.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

It took years to get to this point. Years, where I have had disappointment after disappointment, where I gave way too much to people, and got very little back. I don't do any of these things socially, since I don't have friends. I just do it to escape reality for a bit, and to hopefully worsen my physical situation. I also have intense self hatred, so it feels right to do these things to myself.

I've been stuck undecided for years and I don't know how much longer it'll take to get out of this weird state. I understand the feeling of constantly being disappointed. Also not sure where you live but if you live in the US medical bills are insane so be careful if you plan on worsening your health.

 

[just_a_guy]

I've been stuck undecided for years and I don't know how much longer it'll take to get out of this weird state. I understand the feeling of constantly being disappointed. Also not sure where you live but if you live in the US medical bills are insane so be careful if you plan on worsening your health.

Nah, I'm in South Africa. We face our own issues, but yea, the US health care system is notorious for fucking people over.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

Nah, I'm in South Africa. We face our own issues, but yea, the US health care system is notorious for fucking people over.

Yeah it sucks here, this is why I don't bother trying to injure myself in any way. It's not worth it.

 

[Andarna]

I think that if there is a part of you that wants to recover, it would be good to move in that direction. Death can always wait. Of course, I know it's easier said than done. What once helped me take a step forward was letting go of all-or-nothing decisions and instead turning the process into a challenge.

You can give yourself a year to recover and commit to it. Just one year. After that time, you might have a clearer idea of whether this is the direction you want to take or not.

I hope you find your answers.