I hate myself. i absolutely loathe myself. Everytime i get a depressive episode and start getting suicidal thoughts, all I can think about is everything I've done and continue to do. shitty things I've done to people, stupid immature mistakes I've made, opportunities I've wasted, terrible habits I've formed despite knowing theyre bad for me and continue to do.
I want to get better, but everytime i get hit by an episode it's like i lose the ability to do anything. Speaking with friends doesn't feel good anymore, i dont want to make them worry or burden them. I know that I should change and try to become a better person that I wont hate, but everyday I lose more and more strength to do so.
I feel like they only way anything could change was if i was locked up and so doped up on drugs that I would be in capable of feeling literally anything. A couple weeks ago I was planning on ctbing in japan right at the end of my trip, but after venting and talk with some discord friends i started to feel better and started changing my mind.
One of my friends is gonna be going on the trip with me now, im really looking forward to it. I'm gonna have lots of fun. After my trip, im gonna take a plane to Colorado and make a sort of coin flip on my life.
After i get out of the airport, im gonna go to the nearest gas station or pharmacy or whatever and buy several bottles of benadryl and alcohol. I'll go somewhere nice, take all the benadryl, chug all the alcohol, and then call 911 and tell them im trying to kill myself and that im a threat to myself and others.
before anyone says, im aware that benadryl and other over the counter pills are a non method. I read the thread. Im gonna do this mostly cause i just want it to hurt. Plus maybe having a failed attempt will make me feel better, idk. i just want to do it, even if theres a really low percent chance that it actually works.
Either the coin lands on heads and i ctb, or the coin lands on tails and i survive, get taken to a mental hospital and get professional help.
I want to get better, but everytime i get hit by an episode it's like i lose the ability to do anything. Speaking with friends doesn't feel good anymore, i dont want to make them worry or burden them. I know that I should change and try to become a better person that I wont hate, but everyday I lose more and more strength to do so.
I feel like they only way anything could change was if i was locked up and so doped up on drugs that I would be in capable of feeling literally anything. A couple weeks ago I was planning on ctbing in japan right at the end of my trip, but after venting and talk with some discord friends i started to feel better and started changing my mind.
One of my friends is gonna be going on the trip with me now, im really looking forward to it. I'm gonna have lots of fun. After my trip, im gonna take a plane to Colorado and make a sort of coin flip on my life.
After i get out of the airport, im gonna go to the nearest gas station or pharmacy or whatever and buy several bottles of benadryl and alcohol. I'll go somewhere nice, take all the benadryl, chug all the alcohol, and then call 911 and tell them im trying to kill myself and that im a threat to myself and others.
before anyone says, im aware that benadryl and other over the counter pills are a non method. I read the thread. Im gonna do this mostly cause i just want it to hurt. Plus maybe having a failed attempt will make me feel better, idk. i just want to do it, even if theres a really low percent chance that it actually works.
Either the coin lands on heads and i ctb, or the coin lands on tails and i survive, get taken to a mental hospital and get professional help.
