stuck in dilemma

[underthedatetree]

I want to die, but I don't want to put my parents through the grief of losing their kid. They are good parents and have always cared for me, I will care for them when they grow old.

I have no friends, no romance, and no desire for either. I want to kill myself after they die, but if I do that their efforts to help and support me will go to waste. My father paid off his mortgage. He said he will pass down the house to me. I know how lucky I am to have that security. But how can I live in a house without the only people I love?

It's in this cycle of thoughts I find myself trapped in. So I think I will keep living. I have to. I'm so tired of trying and failing at everything I do though, to be trapped in a mentally ill brain.
Thanks for hearing me vent.

 

[Kit1]

I am so sorry that you are suffering - sometimes suffering can be greater when someone feels that they are in a position of privilege as there is then the danger od the associated guilt as well. However your struggles and pain are quite valid. Have you ever tried reaching out for support in forms of therapy, CBT, mindfulness etc?

I hope that you find peace in your life.

 

[skybroke]

I want to die, but I don't want to put my parents through the grief of losing their kid. They are good parents and have always cared for me, I will care for them when they grow old.

I have no friends, no romance, and no desire for either. I want to kill myself after they die, but if I do that their efforts to help and support me will go to waste. My father paid off his mortgage. He said he will pass down the house to me. I know how lucky I am to have that security. But how can I live in a house without the only people I love?

It's in this cycle of thoughts I find myself trapped in. So I think I will keep living. I have to. I'm so tired of trying and failing at everything I do though, to be trapped in a mentally ill brain.
Thanks for hearing me vent.

I recommend telling your parents the things you're going through, it will be the hardest decision telling them you want to kill yourself, but if you do there will be a weight that gets lifted off your shoulders,

When I told mine they we were in a shouting battle before I told them, they folded under the pressure but understanding,

Remember fatalism is something you can change.

 

[underthedatetree]

Thank you two, sincerely.

Traditional therapy did not do more than nothing in my personal experience but that was also a long time ago maybe I should try again. And you're right I should talk to them, I did when I was a teenager but I haven't updated them on my state of mind in a long time. Talking about suicidality would be too hurtful to them right now, I think just about the other things would be ok

When I woke up today, in probably that transitional lag between unconscious and waking I experienced a few seconds where my mind was completely clear of any and all thoughts, memories, emotions. I haven't felt such peace in a long time. Ofc it didn't take long for my regrets, grief, sh, anxiety pain to come back. But I hope that death could be like that moment, whenever it happens.