Venting Stuck in a never ending cycle

[willitpass]

I'm sick of this cycle I've been in my entire life. Periods of intense self-deprivation and suicidality followed by period of passive suicidality where I'm either neutral or sometimes genuinely happy. The cycles are never predictable. How long they will last, how long between episodes, how many times I'll cycle in a year, there's no telling. I'm exhausted. I'm in a downward spiral again. I just want to die. I can't even think right now. I hate who I've become. I hate the things I do to people. My years of severe self harm and neglecting myself are catching up to me as I'm only in my early 20s and my health is declining. If I don't build up the courage to ctb actively soon I truly hope my continuing terrible treatment of myself will cause me to die sooner rather than later.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

To live like this must be utterly torturous, I still remember you sn ctb attempt and how it went. I can't find any other words that would help you, I hope you find some semblance of peace within yourself.