stuck between staying or going

[wandergirl]

these past few days have been hard. my food stamps are being cut off until I renew but some documents they ask for, I don't have. and my mental makes it harder for me to do the things I NEED to do. so it's October 17th and in my nyc apartment, there's no food. and at my bfs parents house, there's really only dinner. im about to lose my only safe space which is my apartment. I don't know what to do anymore. I have been chasing the same dreams for 7 years, and I'm tired. im very tired. want to go to sleep for long time. im tired of being a broke ass minority adult. because it seems like you have to be rich and have a good mental in order for you to be okay. I've been ready to ctb. but I'm scared bc I don't wanna leave my bf behind & I don't wanna pain those close to me. that's not fair. but it's also not fair that I stay in a world that I feel alone in and shamed.

 

[evey8112]

I know how you feel, The way the system is setup in the united states is setup to keep you enslaved. I have thought about whether i should go or not too because i grew up with good parents and was not abused. At the same time though i been going through my own personal struggles for a long time now and its hard everyday to keep going forward. I part of me wants to keep going its just who i am but the depression is way to tiring.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound very exhausting what you are going through and it must be hard to deal with. There really is nothing fair about this life in any way and your feelings of just wanting to rest are understandable. Life does just seem to be endless problems and misery after all, to me this is certainly not desirable in any way, I view existence as being a burden.

 

[DonTellMeToStayAlive]

philosophically, there are sources that could help you make a decision. I'll link to two of them here:

https://web.archive.org/web/2001081...ities.com:80/CapitolHill/2150/pg_2bornot.html this page is from the archives of sorts of an old newsgroup on the late 90s-early 2000s internet called ash, probably the internet's first pro choice suicide discussion place

lectures by a yale philosophy professor on death. lecture 24, which i have linked here, is about the rationality of suicide, lecture 25 is titled "Deciding under uncertainity" and lecture 26 is about the morality of suicide.

Might be worth watching.

If you ever want to discuss any of these sources, or even philosophy/ mental health/ whatever that relates to your desire to ctb, feel free to pm me or write more here. I'm not a pro lifer, and will try to be as unbiased as possible.
As a starting point though, what methods do you have at your disposal, and what is the state of your apartment and all rn, do you share it with someone, how much of an issue is rent, how financially stable are you

 

[Maudlin]

Stay stuck for as long as you need to.

This is the most final decision you will ever make. If you wait long enough, it will be made for you, regardless.

"Death is our eternal companion. It is always to our left, an arm's length behind us. Death is the only wise adviser that a warrior has. Whenever he feels that everything is going wrong and he's about to be annihilated, he can turn to his death and ask if that is so. His death will tell him that he is wrong, that nothing really matters outside its touch. His death will tell him, I haven't touched you yet."

-Carlos Castaneda

 

[HermitLonerGuy]

i think if theres any doubts or stuck inbetween deciding you should hold off on doing it as suicide is a final decision. if you have doubt rather think things through calmly, its not a race take your time.

This is the most final decision you will ever make. If you wait long enough, it will be made for you, regardless.

Well said.

 

[theboy]

i hope you feel better soon