Stuck between a rock and a hard place

[Arctic K]

I know for certain I don't wanna be alive. But I also know for certain I don't want to commit suicide.

The reason for not commiting for me are many: I could fail, I could experience pain, physical and mental and I don't like the process nor the idea of it. I don't deserve to risk any injuries or brain damage. I don't believe any soul deserves that.

On the other hand, I don't wish to experience the negatives that come with being alive: Sickness, old age, loss, financial insecuirty, pain, uncertainty, loneliness. I feel stuck in a video game I have never wanted to play, but has been forced upon me.

I secretly fantasize about assisted suicide getting legal and normalized (not being shamed for wanting it). The idea of that daydream brings me a sense of freedom and relief. I wish every country was like Canada in terms of maid. I know that will happen in the future, the right to die will probably be normalized but won't be happening now.

Lately being stuck like this makes me feel scared, depressed, more disconnected from everybody. I think I and many people who are in a similar situation deserve way better.

I have tried talking to therapists about this. But recently the last therapist I had freaked out about it and couldnt deal with my suicidal ideation well. Granted he is still new and young, but it really hurt to have to see him get overwhelmed and more worried about his job then being emotional present with me.

May you have a peaceful day and thank you for reading.

 

[Hitakiri]

One of the downsides of therapy is.. they're paid to be there. Sure, some may genuinely want to help, but they're not personally involved. They have to put that wall up, for their own sake, and as a professional. I've always found it more affective to speak wjth someone who understands your pain, cares, and is willing to listen.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel stuck. I think most people here can resonate with that. It's a heavy weight to bear.

 

[Arctic K]

One of the downsides of therapy is.. they're paid to be there. Sure, some may genuinely want to help, but they're not personally involved. They have to put that wall up, for their own sake, and as a professional. I've always found it more affective to speak wjth someone who understands your pain, cares, and is willing to listen.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel stuck. I think most people here can resonate with that. It's a heavy weight to bear.

Thank you for the compassion. From what I have heard therapists can face legal consequences if a patient dies. I wish it wasn't like that, well at least I wish I could have the autonomy and responsibiltiy for my own life. It's a tricky situation I guess.

I find talking with crisis hotlines to be more comforting (generally not all of them). They are more calm and used to people talking about suicide.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do understand that it really can be so awful and tiring feeling so trapped here, it really is so incredibly cruel how we exist in this hellish world where assisted suicide isn't legal, as humans we deserve the option to just be able to exit peacefully without having to deal with the fear of ctb potentially failing, as after all we were forced into this world so unfairly in the first place.

It's so horrible how suicide methods can potentially go wrong and it's very much understandable wishing to finally be free from this futile existence where all that is inevitable is suffering, decay and loss. As humans all that we are destined for is to die anyway, so at least to me it would make sense to want to control when I exit to prevent all future problems. I believe that there is certainly no peace to be found as long as one exists here in this world.

 

[Arctic K]

I do understand that it really can be so awful and tiring feeling so trapped here, it really is so incredibly cruel how we exist in this hellish world where assisted suicide isn't legal, as humans we deserve the option to just be able to exit peacefully without having to deal with the fear of ctb potentially failing, as after all we were forced into this world so unfairly in the first place.

It's so horrible how suicide methods can potentially go wrong and it's very much understandable wishing to finally be free from this futile existence where all that is inevitable is suffering, decay and loss. As humans all that we are destined for is to die anyway, so at least to me it would make sense to want to control when I exit to prevent all future problems. I believe that there is certainly no peace to be found as long as one exists here in this world.

Thanks for your compassion. What are your reasons for staying?

 

[FuneralCry]

Thanks for your compassion. What are your reasons for staying?

I'm only still here as sadly suicide is something which is difficult, inaccessible and involves many risks. If it was easier I would be long gone.

 

[KarmicRain]

I think what you have is something more like burnout and suicidal thoughts are just one of the coping methods that have hit you in the face. You probably need time to make or rekindle relationships with those close to you Or time to spend on hobbies. Either way, you need some time to really think about what you want to do with your life. It is yours and you're the only one who can decide what to do with it.
(if i'm just entirely wrong please correct me, i'm not a professional)

 

[Arctic K]

I think what you have is something more like burnout and suicidal thoughts are just one of the coping methods that have hit you in the face. You probably need time to make or rekindle relationships with those close to you Or time to spend on hobbies. Either way, you need some time to really think about what you want to do with your life. It is yours and you're the only one who can decide what to do with it.
(if i'm just entirely wrong please correct me, i'm not a professional)

What is it about my text that made you think of burnout? I am curious because I think i might be in addition but didn't think it was the cause of my suicidal thoughts. I was assesed for autism recently but instead it showed ADHD. Have had a lot of issues with sensory overload, major problems with executive function etc. Definitley contributes to feeling like I have little control over my life. My whole day is about dopamine, energy drinke, nicotine, food, tiktok etc.

 

[KarmicRain]

What is it about my text that made you think of burnout? I am curious because I think i might be in addition but didn't think it was the cause of my suicidal thoughts. I was assesed for autism recently but instead it showed ADHD. Have had a lot of issues with sensory overload, major problems with executive function etc. Definitley contributes to feeling like I have little control over my life. My whole day is about dopamine, energy drinke, nicotine, food, tiktok etc.

it was just personal experience, sorry.

 

[Arctic K]

it was just personal experience, sorry.

Why are you apologizing? I thought It was a good theory, been thinking about it