stuck and losing hope. why's it so hard to die?

[comeoutandhauntme]

hello all,

i was never overly active on here even during my peak activity levels and never really made any friends, so im sure nobody knows or cares about me. ive been off this website for a bit now because i was doing some better, although my urge to ctb has never gone (and will never go) away. however im honestly doing pretty bad again so im making a return to this website, more determined than ever to find a way to finally ctb.

but i am so stuck and getting more and more hopeless by the minute. i ordered sn from dsl way back in APRIL, but ofc customs had to sieze it. he sent me another to compensate for it but ofc, that one never reached me either. and then dsl got taken down, as we all know. i emailed him back in july and asked if i could still purchase from him and he actually told me yes, but i was less than a month away from moving so wanted to wait until i was at my new address just to be safe. i asked if that would be possible and he said yes.

well, now here we are, well over a month later- i have been trying to get in contact with him since arriving here and am no longer hearing or getting responses from him. i am stuck and hopeless and desperate to die. i found MIC but honestly, being from the US, i dont think ill be having much luck on there. i understand there's some sort of B&M source going around but for the life of me cannot figure out wtf it's supposed to be, despite scouring this forum and exhausting the search function for any semblance of a clue. so that rules sn out for me, although it is still my preferred method if im ever able to get my hands on some.

but i digress. i have looked into other methods once again but am just reaching the same issues ive had when considering them in the past. i used to have access to a couple handguns, but don't anymore, and anyways was never quite able to get past my SI and pull the trigger, even when i was at the absolute worst mental state of my life. fsh or psh may be plausible now? but i similarly worry my SI would get in the way.

i do not expect anyone to even read this, much less any sort of advice from anyone. i just wanted to rant to the only people in the world who seem to even somewhat understand me. i just hate that it's so so so difficult to die. and people who dont even want to die, who deserve to live so much more than me, are taken from us every day! yet im stuck here suffering and miserable. i pray every time i close my eyes that i don't open them again. maybe luck will finally favor me soon

 

[To_bareTo_tear]

Yeah you're right on getting no practical advice on thisbecause I have none but wanted to prove that someone did read this lol. From a new member I'm glad to see you in your limited time frame I hope you can find peace soon ✌ SI be damned

 

[blissful]

hi, I think this is the first time I'm ever replying to somebody else's post since I'm usually worried my advice won't be good enough. but I get this a lot and so I felt like I would comment and say something. maybe some form of acknowledgement and knowing that somebody read it will be nice.

"i just hate that it's so so so difficult to die. and people who don't even want to die, who deserve to live so much more than me, are taken from us every day!" this is so real. I know it's all random chance but I always felt bad when I saw people I liked or good people pass away, as if there was something to be done about it (there of course isn't)

I don't know everything that's happened with your life. but I wish you luck in finding a way out. It feels like you find something and it always has some way of getting away or falling apart but in due time I believe things have the chance to change for the better. hope this comment isn't bothersome.

good luck, i hope it will favor you soon too.

 

[comeoutandhauntme]

Yeah you're right on getting no practical advice on thisbecause I have none but wanted to prove that someone did read this lol. From a new member I'm glad to see you in your limited time frame I hope you can find peace soon ✌ SI be damned

i appreciate u. thank u!! may we both find peace, fuck SI

hi, I think this is the first time I'm ever replying to somebody else's post since I'm usually worried my advice won't be good enough. but I get this a lot and so I felt like I would comment and say something. maybe some form of acknowledgement and knowing that somebody read it will be nice.

"i just hate that it's so so so difficult to die. and people who don't even want to die, who deserve to live so much more than me, are taken from us every day!" this is so real. I know it's all random chance but I always felt bad when I saw people I liked or good people pass away, as if there was something to be done about it (there of course isn't)

I don't know everything that's happened with your life. but I wish you luck in finding a way out. It feels like you find something and it always has some way of getting away or falling apart but in due time I believe things have the chance to change for the better. hope this comment isn't bothersome.

good luck, i hope it will favor you soon too.

it is absolutely not bothersome, and in a weird way i'm kinda honored to be ur first reply lol. it does help to even just know someone has read my post, so thank u!

ur last paragraph has essentially summed up my life. nothing good ever lasts me. it always ends or falls apart, either from my own doing or someone/something else's. i appreciate u and ur words of encouragement- i hope things do change for the better soon, whether that's my luck in finding a way to ctb or maybe finally becoming content w the idea of being alive.

i hope things are going well for u as well. thank u again!

hi, I think this is the first time I'm ever replying to somebody else's post since I'm usually worried my advice won't be good enough. but I get this a lot and so I felt like I would comment and say something. maybe some form of acknowledgement and knowing that somebody read it will be nice.

"i just hate that it's so so so difficult to die. and people who don't even want to die, who deserve to live so much more than me, are taken from us every day!" this is so real. I know it's all random chance but I always felt bad when I saw people I liked or good people pass away, as if there was something to be done about it (there of course isn't)

I don't know everything that's happened with your life. but I wish you luck in finding a way out. It feels like you find something and it always has some way of getting away or falling apart but in due time I believe things have the chance to change for the better. hope this comment isn't bothersome.

good luck, i hope it will favor you soon too.

it is absolutely not bothersome, and in a weird way i'm kinda honored to be ur first reply lol. it does help to even just know someone has read my post, so thank u!

ur last paragraph has essentially summed up my life. nothing good ever lasts me. it always ends or falls apart, either from my own doing or someone/something else's. i appreciate u and ur words of encouragement- i hope things do change for the better soon, whether that's my luck in finding a way to ctb or maybe finally becoming content w the idea of being alive.

i hope things are going well for u as well. thank u again!

 

[blissful]

it is absolutely not bothersome, and in a weird way i'm kinda honored to be ur first reply lol. it does help to even just know someone has read my post, so thank u!

ur last paragraph has essentially summed up my life. nothing good ever lasts me. it always ends or falls apart, either from my own doing or someone/something else's. i appreciate u and ur words of encouragement- i hope things do change for the better soon, whether that's my luck in finding a way to ctb or maybe finally becoming content w the idea of being alive.

i hope things are going well for u as well. thank u again!

I'm glad to hear I helped at all. and yea you're the first person I've replied to since I felt like I could relate to some of the stuff you were saying (I felt I had a chance of being of value to you instead of just giving generic psuedoadvice), at least about good things never lasting, I funnily enough just made a return post about that in recovery earlier lol.

I know people only want things to be okay and so I hope you feel more content with the idea of being alive. But if things don't go your way, it's okay, I wish you luck in your journey of ctb and finally finding peace. We all deserve peace in some way or another, and you are no different. thank you for the sweet words, definitely something I needed to hear from somebody, really means a lot.

Thank you :)

 

[comeoutandhauntme]

I'm glad to hear I helped at all. and yea you're the first person I've replied to since I felt like I could relate to some of the stuff you were saying (I felt I had a chance of being of value to you instead of just giving generic psuedoadvice), at least about good things never lasting, I funnily enough just made a return post about that in recovery earlier lol.

I know people only want things to be okay and so I hope you feel more content with the idea of being alive. But if things don't go your way, it's okay, I wish you luck in your journey of ctb and finally finding peace. We all deserve peace in some way or another, and you are no different. thank you for the sweet words, definitely something I needed to hear from somebody, really means a lot.

Thank you :)

i'm glad we were both able to help each other out :)