ijustdontcare
New Member
- Aug 3, 2026
- 4
I'm struggling today. I'm crying all the time. I fake it okay, plaster on a fake smile and pretend as though life is peachy.
I want to die, I don't want those who claim they love me to find me though. I don't think that's fair to anyone. I have no one to confide in. I have tried therapy, but I don't mention the suicidal parts. I don't want to end up in a psychiatric hospital. I also don't want to be in pain at the end. I'm in pain and suffering now, I want to feel peace.
The person who i thought was my safe place has proven not to be. His little "nutjob" comment the last time I cried sealed that deal. He grew up with parents who loved and adored him. Mine made it known that I wasn't wanted. He was just diagnosed with cancer, so even if I did bring it up, he's gonna feel like i'm trying to one up him. He also hasn't had to endure child abuse, sexual assaults and domestic abuse, which (if you seen my last post) I'm starting to feel like he's starting to fit into that category too.
On top of his cancer, his dad also has cancer. We were talking yesterday and his mom said her and I will need to remain healthy to care for them. I know she didn't mean to add pressure to me, but it has.
I'm an end of life caregiver. So I'm always caring for others. I love my job, don't get me wrong, but I need to admit I'm jealous. Isn't that a sick thought? I hate myself for thinking it. Just like my family….I asked and prayed for cancer, for there to be a concrete end in sight. No one would be mad if I died that way. I wouldn't be called selfish after.
I used to self harm. I wasn't a cutter, but younger me would take my heal and bash my shin but older me knew the bruises needed to be covered. It all recently came to light when I had an xray and they seen all the bone chips in my thigh and questioned it. Therapist had to me to hold an ice pack when I wanted to hit. What a crock of shit that was. And now people will know. Before I could just giggle and say I dunno or say I banged myself. Worked well because I'm clumsy in nature, but I don't think those excuses would work now.
I just know it needs to be soon. I can't keep this up. I hate myself and I hate my life.
I want to die, I don't want those who claim they love me to find me though. I don't think that's fair to anyone. I have no one to confide in. I have tried therapy, but I don't mention the suicidal parts. I don't want to end up in a psychiatric hospital. I also don't want to be in pain at the end. I'm in pain and suffering now, I want to feel peace.
The person who i thought was my safe place has proven not to be. His little "nutjob" comment the last time I cried sealed that deal. He grew up with parents who loved and adored him. Mine made it known that I wasn't wanted. He was just diagnosed with cancer, so even if I did bring it up, he's gonna feel like i'm trying to one up him. He also hasn't had to endure child abuse, sexual assaults and domestic abuse, which (if you seen my last post) I'm starting to feel like he's starting to fit into that category too.
On top of his cancer, his dad also has cancer. We were talking yesterday and his mom said her and I will need to remain healthy to care for them. I know she didn't mean to add pressure to me, but it has.
I'm an end of life caregiver. So I'm always caring for others. I love my job, don't get me wrong, but I need to admit I'm jealous. Isn't that a sick thought? I hate myself for thinking it. Just like my family….I asked and prayed for cancer, for there to be a concrete end in sight. No one would be mad if I died that way. I wouldn't be called selfish after.
I used to self harm. I wasn't a cutter, but younger me would take my heal and bash my shin but older me knew the bruises needed to be covered. It all recently came to light when I had an xray and they seen all the bone chips in my thigh and questioned it. Therapist had to me to hold an ice pack when I wanted to hit. What a crock of shit that was. And now people will know. Before I could just giggle and say I dunno or say I banged myself. Worked well because I'm clumsy in nature, but I don't think those excuses would work now.
I just know it needs to be soon. I can't keep this up. I hate myself and I hate my life.
