Venting Struggling with the trauma of living

[The Great Below]

I'm feeling such intense pain and lonliness at the moment and I'm not sure what to do. I see myself making future plans for a concert in April and a move out of state come June and I just keep thinking to myself.. Will I actually make it? Will I actually survive that long and if I do then what? I'm so hopeful for this move in June so I can move myself and my kids away from my "mother" who has emotionally, physically, sexually and medically abused me all my life.. I keep hoping and hoping that this move will create space from her and will lessen the trauma I feel every single day of my life. I'm feeling such dispaire and like there is no way to survive the remaining months I have left being only an hour and a half from her (she has grandparents rights so I have to legally communicate with her due to my children). I wish I could talk to my therapist about all of these feelings but she is so preoccupied with her new pregnancy and seeing other patients (I know that because I go to group therapy at the office and all of the girls in my trauma group see the same therapist and they were talking about seeing her regularly) that she hasn't seen me in 2 months, I have been seeing her every other week since 2021 until this past December. I don't know what to do or how to feel, i have so much that has happened to me since I was last in therapy. I found out right before Christmas that I was pregnant (my partner flew out to his parents before I drove up to meet them due to the kids school scheduel and having a custody hearing he had to attend for his children in that state as well, he was not with me when I took the test) and on the drive home from my partners parents house I started to miscarry at a gas station and during the drive without saying a word and crying in silence. I was waiting to tell him I was pregnant once we were home and didn't have the time to with our trip to his parents for 2 weeks over christmas and he still doesn't know I was even pregnant or miscarried. I'm just at such a loss what to do right now, I don't think I'll ever tell him because I'm so ashamed. I have a lot of trauma over my period and seeing blood due to having an abortion in 2018 and I feel like an absolute murderer due to not wanting to have an abortion but knowing I had to escape the partner I was with and that not doing so would endanger myself, my living children and my unborn child with him being forcibly in our lives for 18 years. All I've wanted was to have a pregnancy and raise a child from infancy with the peace of a supportive partner and I know if have had that if I had not miscarried.. I can't get it out of my head of what I lost and this miscarriage has made me feel as much of a murderer as my abortion has and I don't even have a therapist to talk to or a mom to talk to.. I could never just bring this up with my partner not because he would be cruel to me, I just couldn't face him feeling I killed our baby.. So nobody knows outside of this post and I've just felt so miserable and lonely I just don't want to live anymore. Remembering the blood and the clots that poured from my body the first 16 days of this year traumatize me so much.. Every time I close my eyes I visualize myself murdering now two babies and I keep wondering to myself if I'll ever get through this pain and if I even should.. I don't feel I deserve it, I feel I should just die and stop being a waste of air and space. I just don't know what to do.. The only thing stopping me is my biological daughter, if I die my mother would fight for custody of her and I simply can not risk her life and her leading the same path of pain and trauma with that monster of a woman for the next 7 years til she is 18. I just don't know what to say, what to do, what to believe as far as hope to live through this. My partner is amazing but he is struggling himself with depression, anxiety, the weight of this custody battle for his son (his daughter recently moved in with us after his hearing in December before christmas) and with other things in life. He also doesn't really understand mental health yet, he is trying so hard to get therapy but getting those services in the military (which he is enlisted) takes time and he is waiting on placement with a therapist through mental health services. I just wish I felt I had someone to talk to, I don't have my own family and I've pushed away all my friends because they ended up using me and not being understanding of my trauma and depression.. I'm at a loss and I'm so fearful I'm going to have an emotional lapse of judgment and just kill myself.. I don't know if at my core I really want go kill myself or not, I just don't want to live this existence and the possibilities of moving away from my mother seems too far away for me to be able to make it.. And then I'm like "if I make it, then what?".. Because who says it won't be worse in Virginia. I guess my mom isn't in Virginia so there is that.. But yeah, I Dono. I just felt I needed to write it all out because I've heald all of this inside and haven't known what to do with any of these emotions I've been unable to discuss with a therapist.