Discussion Struggling with the guilt

[NotADrill]

So my SN has been ordered, I have all the other bits and I have a plan that I plan to review etc beforehand but that seems as close to spot-on as I can get it. However, it's the guilt that I'm now struggling with.

I don't want to be here and I'm pretty sure I'll still feel that way when the reality sets in when the SN etc arrives. I plan to send a text on a scheduled timer for a day or two later (for obvious reasons) and I plan to send it to some members of my family, a few friends, the last woman that broke my heart the worst and maybe a few others. I just feel so bad though; these family members do love me and I love them, these friends have done their best and although she did it the girl in question didn't mean to break me like this and I fell for her all the same. I can't lie in the message and make out like certain things haven't pushed me towards this decision (my past and present situation with my family, my work, my lack of social mobility, my mental, cognitive and neurological conditions, the fact that in over ten years of trying I've had precisely zero tangible and useful input or help from our health service, the heartbreak and the way it was delivered and its aftermath etc) but by the same account, I know they're not bad people and I don't want them to suffer too much either. Ultimately, they'll get over it like everyone does but I can't help but feel guilt.

Does anyone else feel this way and how are they pushing through it? Being around these people, my colleagues and the folks that I volunteer with in the build-up feels awful; having to pretend that everything is okay and like what I'm planning would never even cross my mind. It feels like betrayal.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I wish I had some words for you that could make you feel better. I just want to say that I hear you and you are not alone in the guilt. I struggle with it pretty badly and it's the reason I'm still here.

 

[GasMonkey]

no regret
no remorse
no guilt
just determinism

everything that has happened had to happen, it couldn't be any other way

 

[Tiny Circle]

Please don't involve your ex-gf in this unless you are going to write some nice words without blaming her for your suicide or anything that has led to it. No matter what has happened between you and her, a person isn't responsible for the life and well-being of another person and you should be mature enough to understand that.

 

[NotADrill]

Please don't involve your ex-gf in this unless you are going to write some nice words without blaming her for your suicide or anything that has led to it. No matter what has happened between you and her, a person isn't responsible for the life and well-being of another person and you should be mature enough to understand that.

I will; I don't blame here at all. It's broken my heart but, as I say, she isn't a bad person and my issues are down to me. It's not her fault I feel this way. It was a bad experience but she's not making me cash-out.

 

[gwoo]

I feel this. I've started avoiding friends of 15 years because the guilt just comes up regardless of whether I'm feeling suicidal. Like any kind of gesture that they care will make the guilt come up. I don't know how to balance this with the sense that they'd be better off. I'm not a good friend or a good person. But I don't want to hurt one friend in particular with this, she lost her dad not too long ago. No idea how to push through it. There are simply days where I want to be dead more than I am scared of the effect it will have on anyone else.

 

[NotADrill]

That's the problem, I don't want it to hurt these people, even if some of them have hurt me but it will regardless. Maybe I shouldn't send anything but then they may wonder which could make it worse.

The end of the day; my family are falling apart and are miserable, conflicted and I can't bare to see it anymore and how I can't help them. Some of them, particularly my father and sister have really hurt me in the past and present and the homelife that my parents cultivated and the environment they created before they finally split played a huge factor in screwing up my head as a kid going forward. That girl emotionally played hot and cold with me with no regard for the effect it was having and then dropped me like I was nothing when I'd fallen for her to go back to the person she claimed was the reason she was so reluctant to try it with me, despite coming onto me twice and leading me to believe otherwise only to switch up straight after because, why not; he's worthless. Yet, just using these two examples, I don't hate or want to hurt these people. I just know that me dying will do so and even if I try and show otherwise they may still feel bad and linked to it.

FYI if I did send something I'd never word it like that.

 

[gwoo]

Is this an ex or a woman who turned you down? If it's the latter, please don't send anything. Even if it doesn't blame her. Just leave it be.

 

[Huntfish34]

Say what you feel from your Heart, I'm with you on Everything you stated and boyy howdy... Fckk... It's Absolutely and totally soul crushing, I fckn hate it.

I have Very similar situations.... ( Family, relationships / resentments, job.. life on life's terms.. ) I don't want to to hurt them either but Damnn... the Biggest damage and heartbreak will Probably be done in our death Alone.. Might as well be honest too..... Not like Brutally and rude , but words /comments can be changed in such a way to be tactful I suppose?

I'm drunk and stoned...... Idk.. just my .02.

Thoughts and prayers with you always- take care of yourself.

 

[NotADrill]

Is this an ex or a woman who turned you down? If it's the latter, please don't send anything. Even if it doesn't blame her. Just leave it be.

It was a complicated situation. Regardless, I'm definitely not mentioning her name on it if I choose to do this. I've had a lot of heart breaks etc and as I said, I don't want to hurt her. Even if she acted in a way that was careless, emotionally abusive and heartless and then refused to take ownership of it I still don't. It's not even that I don't think what went down wasn't a contributing factor towards getting me here (it was) but it wasn't the only one and I still care on a lot of levels.