I haven't made promises as such. Sometimes, I feel bad when I think about everything my loved ones invested in me. My Grandma especially. She brought me up initially after my Mum died. I know it isn't what my family would want. Some would even likely be cross with me for being what they perceive as weak.
But, I think I've become too selfish and resentful to really care anymore. The majority of them have been dead for 20, 30+ years now. Ultimately, I'm grateful for what they did for me- certainly and I loved them to bits. But, they're not here anymore. They may not even be anywhere for that matter! I'm not at all sure there is an afterlife. Doesn't feel like they're helping me beyond the grave.
To be cruel about it, I haven't wanted this life for a very long time now. 34 years in fact. I first had suicidal thoughts when I was 10. I've hung on so as not to upset them in their life. I think that's generous enough!
An even more unpleasant thought I've had more recently, along with a general trend towards antinatilism is: My Mum was diagnosed with cancer at the same point as finding out she was pregnant. She delayed having chemo in order that she didn't abort. I suppose I can understand it to an extent. She always wanted children. Maybe she didn't like the idea of killing off (an undeveloped) lifeform. Maybe she truly believed she would recover.
I find it weird that my parents didn't consider every scenario though and, if they did- I can't say I think that's all that fair. To bring a life here that's dependent on you, only to leave it. So, to some extent, I blame parents more than anyone else. They bring life here knowing how hard it can be. I don't think it's fair to do that and just expect that person to thrive. Especially if they are further hampered by genes prone to certain illnesses, upbringings with elements of abuse, neglect, bullying, poor circumstances and all the other shit that life throws our way.
I do understand why people ask others to make promises. Some last ditch hope that, if you can't get better for you, you're love for them will make you do it. Very likely with the good intention that- having recovered a little, life will turn around and we'll be genuinely happy. If that doesn't happen though, it's just emotional blackmail and an unwanted tether here. As in- if you love and respect me, you won't kill yourself. I doubt any of us would ask someone to make that promise to us because we know how it feels to be this low. We fully understand what we'd be trapping them in to.
