HorfPill
New Member
- Apr 1, 2026
- 2
To elaborate a bit on the title, I'm just afraid that everyone in my life always has someone they'd rather be with than me.
It's made me feel so alone, and is one of the primary reasons I'm not so afraid to CTB anymore. Even if I'm gone, I'm not leaving anybody who *needs* me.
My best friend has been dating our mutual friend for over a year, and since we graduated, I barely see her anymore. She avoids her home and usually stays at either my place or her girlfriend's. It used to feel balanced, and we'd still hang out sometimes, but she's been my main emotional support and I've grown really attached.
Lately, though, she seems fine going long stretches without seeing me, aside from a couple rare hangouts. A few nights ago, I finally got her to stay over when her girlfriend wanted a night apart. But later, during a severe storm warning, her girlfriend offered to harbor her there, and she chose to go, saying it was closer to work. I told her it was fine, but I felt really disappointed and slipped back into depression. The next day, I checked, and my place was actually half the distance.
I'm really trying my best to understand why she did this to me, and why she doesn't seem to miss me at all. I totally get wanting to spend time with your partner, lord knows that if I had one, I wouldn't want to be away from them for even a second, but still, I can't full wrap my head around it. Even after sleeping there for weeks at a time, she'd still rather lie in order to duck hanging out with me. I've had fears for the longest time that being around me depresses her too much, since that was essentially what my ex best friend did to me. I feel guilty for opening up to her, even though it's really my only opportunity to vent, and she makes me feel better most of the time.
This fear of being second best also came about in a recent situationship I was involved in.
I met a guy through a fandom discord server, and after getting to know each other, we really hit it off. For the longest time, I thought my crush was one sided, but he eventually admitted to it as well. The issue is that he entered a relationship only a month prior, and I was also currently in one (even though it was really on its last legs).
After weeks of tension and the occasional "is it wrong to feel this way?", where I would always encourage him to stay with his current boyfriend, either out of principle or not wanting to be perceived as manipulative, it was the position I always took. I never hid my feelings though. I hoped that maybe one day, if I waited long enough, we would naturally come together. I was also satisfied with our infrequent conversations around our feelings about eachother. But last week, I had to muster up the courage to ask if he misses what we once had, and through that conversation he explained that of course he misses it but he's also over me and he wants to stay with his bf. I understood, and just explained that I'm proud of him, but since my feelings hadn't gone away, that I would want some time apart, because talking to him just always reignites that flame.
I know it's not really anything wrong with me, and I just came in too late, but it still hurts so much to grapple with that reality.
At the moment, it really feels like I have nobody. There is noone in my life who will listen to my problems, or validate me as a fellow human. Every day is a constant cycle of humiliation. I have no hobbies, nor any academic or creative skill. I've posted on EDC twice, and both times received very kind words from fellow members. It was the first time I really felt seen in a long long time. I hope this is similar, really any input is appreciated. I hope I didn't draw this out to be unbearably long, but truly, thank you for reading to the end ( ・３・)
It's made me feel so alone, and is one of the primary reasons I'm not so afraid to CTB anymore. Even if I'm gone, I'm not leaving anybody who *needs* me.
My best friend has been dating our mutual friend for over a year, and since we graduated, I barely see her anymore. She avoids her home and usually stays at either my place or her girlfriend's. It used to feel balanced, and we'd still hang out sometimes, but she's been my main emotional support and I've grown really attached.
Lately, though, she seems fine going long stretches without seeing me, aside from a couple rare hangouts. A few nights ago, I finally got her to stay over when her girlfriend wanted a night apart. But later, during a severe storm warning, her girlfriend offered to harbor her there, and she chose to go, saying it was closer to work. I told her it was fine, but I felt really disappointed and slipped back into depression. The next day, I checked, and my place was actually half the distance.
I'm really trying my best to understand why she did this to me, and why she doesn't seem to miss me at all. I totally get wanting to spend time with your partner, lord knows that if I had one, I wouldn't want to be away from them for even a second, but still, I can't full wrap my head around it. Even after sleeping there for weeks at a time, she'd still rather lie in order to duck hanging out with me. I've had fears for the longest time that being around me depresses her too much, since that was essentially what my ex best friend did to me. I feel guilty for opening up to her, even though it's really my only opportunity to vent, and she makes me feel better most of the time.
This fear of being second best also came about in a recent situationship I was involved in.
I met a guy through a fandom discord server, and after getting to know each other, we really hit it off. For the longest time, I thought my crush was one sided, but he eventually admitted to it as well. The issue is that he entered a relationship only a month prior, and I was also currently in one (even though it was really on its last legs).
After weeks of tension and the occasional "is it wrong to feel this way?", where I would always encourage him to stay with his current boyfriend, either out of principle or not wanting to be perceived as manipulative, it was the position I always took. I never hid my feelings though. I hoped that maybe one day, if I waited long enough, we would naturally come together. I was also satisfied with our infrequent conversations around our feelings about eachother. But last week, I had to muster up the courage to ask if he misses what we once had, and through that conversation he explained that of course he misses it but he's also over me and he wants to stay with his bf. I understood, and just explained that I'm proud of him, but since my feelings hadn't gone away, that I would want some time apart, because talking to him just always reignites that flame.
I know it's not really anything wrong with me, and I just came in too late, but it still hurts so much to grapple with that reality.
At the moment, it really feels like I have nobody. There is noone in my life who will listen to my problems, or validate me as a fellow human. Every day is a constant cycle of humiliation. I have no hobbies, nor any academic or creative skill. I've posted on EDC twice, and both times received very kind words from fellow members. It was the first time I really felt seen in a long long time. I hope this is similar, really any input is appreciated. I hope I didn't draw this out to be unbearably long, but truly, thank you for reading to the end ( ・３・)
