Venting Struggling with eating disorder and can't breathe properly, I feel very alone and want to ctb

[Spades]

Tw for anorexia///

This post is very scattered and actually incomprehensible, sorry, it mostly goes into my ED and art struggles, I wrote this in less than 15 minutes, I don't mind advice, in fact that would be appreciated.

Typing this very quickly, so this won't be as eloquent or as wordy as all my other ramblings.
No beating around the bush, I'll get straight to the point.

My eating disorder is getting rapidly worse and I can't tell anyone abt it bc they wpuldnt understand. My boyfriend thinks I recovered and idk how to tell him that I relapsed months ago, I don't want to worry him.

I've tried to explain my ed to him in the past and he was supportive, but couldn't understand it. I feel so alone and isolated here in my room, I a lways have to suffer in silence always always always always

I'm so sick of it so sick so sick, I'm always sick, too sick for anything, too irritable, I'm either too much or too little. There is no balance in my life, I always have to choose between the lesser of two extremes.

Can never tell anyone, I either get an apathetic response or an overly worried one that makes me downplay the severity of my depression and ED to make them feel better.

O want to scream, shout, cry, I want someone to look at me, see me, love me love me for who I really am and not for who I could be.

I want to ctb but can't due to life circumstances (I'd be found before I could complete the act + lack of access to reliable methods, I cannot order packages)

I feel so trapped and I feel like I'm going insane everyday, I can't do this anymore I can't I just can't.

The tips of my fingers are purple, I'm very cold, tired, angry, and I can't breathe properly at all. It's not scary bc I'm not scared of dying, it's a fucking nuisance that makes drawing so much harder than it has to be.

Drawing, the one thing I still love. I make characters and comics that some ppl like online and that makes me feel less nymb,

I might even say it makes me feel "happy" when ppl show interest in my characters and stories. Even more so when they ask detailed questions abt it, it makes me feel warm inside.

I think that's bc I'm very autistic and my special interest for my own stories is very intense, I'd go as far to say that its the only thing I still care about. Nothing else matters, I want to draw my little guys and then die.

I don't want to talk abt anything else, think abt anything else, I just want to draw my silly little robots that happen to be as depressed and fucked up as I am.

Ppl tell me I'm a good writer, idk if that's true. I cannot trust my own perception of myself, and the perception other ppl have of me is just as faulty, if not more so.

but my boyfriend and all those closest to me don't care abt what I make at all. I worked my ass off and finished a 46 page comic in less than a month, barely ate, barely slept, driven by love for these characters I've made and nothing else,

Only to be met with apathy, I know they aren't obligated to care, but that doesn't change the fact that it hurts, it hurts so much it makes me want to die even more.

I listen to what they wan t to talk abt but the moment I want to talk abt my art I get talked over, no one irl cares at all and that makes me want to scream too.

I feel so selfish and guilty whenever I talk abt my characters or even just something I happen to be very passionate about.

I always feel the need to apologize whenever I talk AT ALL despite knowing how irrational that is.

My art is my voice, it's who I am and you cannot separate it from me. To not care abt what I make means they do not care for me as a person, but for my flesh, my skin. Its only ever skin deep, but real love goes beneath the bones.

What I can offer sexually, used goods, that's all I'm good for right?

I can't think straight anymore, I've been dealing with some severe brain fog lately. I feel so stupid, I feel like I'm losing myself, I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore and I can't recall a time where I ever did.

 

[SnakesButNoLadder]

Someone I know had a near death experience and that is what set her straight. It sounds harsh, but it was the only cure she had.

I was not anorexic, but I struggled to eat due to depression. The lowest BMI was 15.3 and I risked kidney damage.

If you want a drink to help you feel less fatigued, this is what I got:

150g Water
300g Milk
80g Oats
15g Golden Syrup
15g Protein Powder (Banana)
10g Chia seeds
20g Peanut butter

Just blend it up, it tastes really nice, a sweet treat everyday to keep you going.

I wish there was convincing you to help yourself, but I know that it's not as easy as that. I hope you get well soon.

 

[Spades]

Someone I know had a near death experience and that is what set her straight. It sounds harsh, but it was the only cure she had.

I was not anorexic, but I struggled to eat due to depression. The lowest BMI was 15.3 and I risked kidney failure.

If you want a drink to help you feel less fatigued, this is what I got:

150g Water
300g Milk
80g Oats
15g Golden Syrup
15g Protein Powder (Banana)
10g Chia seeds
20g Peanut butter

Just blend it up, it tastes really nice, a sweet treat everyday to keep you going.

I've heard near death experiences are often what causes people with EDs to seek proper treatment. It's something I've noticed in my frequent lurkings of eating disorder recovery forums/sub-reddits and such.

I think what sets me apart from them is the fact that I do not fear death or the potential unknowns that await said path. I've had plenty of near-death experiences with my ed, and none have set me straight no matter how painful it is.

Whenever my breathing gets particularly bad or my heart beat is more irregular than usual, it hurts yes, but my first thought is typically of acceptance.

Like a sort of "huh, so this is it? damn, that kinda sucks."

But it doesn't suck because I'm dying, it sucks because I didn't get the chance to do it myself. My body, this thing, an unfeeling flesh vessel, the equivalent of a machine, it has no right to end me.

The way I think about things is very abnormal and sometimes that scares me, but it acts more as a barrier between myself and others. I think there's something that's fundamentally broken about my brain due to my lack of a survival instinct.

Anyway, apologies for rambling on for longer than I needed to. I appreciate your input and the recipe you gave me sounds useful, I'll likely try it out when I begin work on my next comic or something.

 

[theboy]

I suffered for a while from an eating disorder as well.

 

[SnakesButNoLadder]

I've heard near death experiences are often what causes people with EDs to seek proper treatment. It's something I've noticed in my frequent lurkings of eating disorder recovery forums/sub-reddits and such.

I think what sets me apart from them is the fact that I do not fear death or the potential unknowns that await said path. I've had plenty of near-death experiences with my ed, and none have set me straight no matter how painful it is.

Whenever my breathing gets particularly bad or my heart beat is more irregular than usual, it hurts yes, but my first thought is typically of acceptance.

Like a sort of "huh, so this is it? damn, that kinda sucks."

But it doesn't suck because I'm dying, it sucks because I didn't get the chance to do it myself. My body, this thing, an unfeeling flesh vessel, the equivalent of a machine, it has no right to end me.

The way I think about things is very abnormal and sometimes that scares me, but it acts more as a barrier between myself and others. I think there's something that's fundamentally broken about my brain due to my lack of a survival instinct.

Anyway, apologies for rambling on for longer than I needed to. I appreciate your input and the recipe you gave me sounds useful, I'll likely try it out when I begin work on my next comic or something.

Not rambling, you're very articulate. You've got a good writing skills which I guess is why you enjoy making stories and comics.

I suffered for a while from an eating disorder as well.

How did you cure the disorder?

 

[theboy]

How did you cure the disorder?

it just went away and I started eating more since I weighed 45 kg and I'm 1.75 m. What's your problem? if you want to talk, pm

 

[Spades]

it just went away and I started eating more since I weighed 45 kg and I'm 1.75 m. What's your problem? if you want to talk, pm

You don't have to answer this question if it's either too personal or too uncomfortable, but I was wondering if you also dealt with intense stomach pain after you began eating normally?

I've experienced this many times during my own half-hearted attempts at recovery.

And it was very difficult to keep food down bc I'd get these intense bouts of nausea after eating more than what I was used to.

Anyway, I say all this bc I was wondering how you dealt with these symptoms if you had them.

I'm sorry you dealt with an ED in the past btw, I think ppl who recover are stronger than soldiers bc holy shit is it a mental minefield that affects you for the rest of your life.

 

[jellie]

i know this is not exactly the point of your post but i would love to see some of your art and your comics. if you'd care of share over PM id love that :)

 

[notwhereIbelong]

You don't have to answer this question if it's either too personal or too uncomfortable, but I was wondering if you also dealt with intense stomach pain after you began eating normally?

I've experienced this many times during my own half-hearted attempts at recovery.

And it was very difficult to keep food down bc I'd get these intense bouts of nausea after eating more than what I was used to.

that's because your stomach actually restricts after periods of restriction (hi, fellow anorexic here, I know what you're going through) Ithink the trick is to up your intake slowly? I never actually attempted recovery so I can't say for sure, but I think you've got to give your stomach time to expand again. Rather than going by volume and immediatly eating a lot of food, try to increase your calories by increments of 100cals at a time (be that every day or every week, whatever you're comfortable with)

 

[Spades]

This comment is an add-on to this vent bc I'm still thinking abt this topic and I wouldn't want to make a separate post abt it.

I'm not interested in full recovery necessarily. At the end of the day, what I really want is to have at least a fraction of the energy I once had.

My life is already a shit show, and without a means to ctb until I move out, I'm kinda stuck here with this failing corpse of a body for the time being.

In addition to that, I REALLY don't want to be forced into a hospital due to some intense trauma I experienced in a ward as a child.

To be fair though I'm not sure anyone, and I mean anyone, traumatized or not by this bumfuck of a medical system is that big of a fan of being dehumanized and treated like a criminal by psych ward nurses.

The people in my life are finally catching onto my worsening condition and that's deeply terrifying to me. Everyday I live under the threat of forced hospitalization, it could happen any day, any minute, any moment.

Scary shit tbh, I joke about it but even I can't hide how badly this is affecting me.

It's ass, like an inverted ass, an anatomically incorrect ass that's so poorly drawn that it resembles those old psychology tests where they have you identify an image and ask you what you see, except the poorly drawn ass in question can resemble far too many things for the human mind to properly comprehend.

My life is like an eldritch book of anatomically incorrect asses basically.

Honestly, I'm just saying shit to say shit at this point in an attempt to distract myself from the fact that I can relive my various traumas of hospitalization all over again if I so much as blink it feels like.

 

[notwhereIbelong]

Yeah I'd still suggest slowly increasing your intake by 100 at a time, just enough for you to have enough energy and avoid forced recovery. Good luck

 

[Spades]

that's because your stomach actually restricts after periods of restriction (hi, fellow anorexic here, I know what you're going through) Ithink the trick is to up your intake slowly? I never actually attempted recovery so I can't say for sure, but I think you've got to give your stomach time to expand again. Rather than going by volume and immediatly eating a lot of food, try to increase your calories by increments of 100cals at a time (be that every day or every week, whatever you're comfortable with)

I've tried that yeah, I've even tried increasing my uptake by 50 after increasing my uptake by 100 but I still get the stomach pain.

I won't get into exact numbers abt my daily calorie intake bc details like that in particular can be super triggering for some, but I honestly think I might have another stomach issue entirely that could be making this worse.

Not like I could get myself checked and see if I actually do have another issue in regards to stomach pain though, I don't want to risk being hospitalized for my ED. :/

Yeah I'd still suggest slowly increasing your intake by 100 at a time, just enough for you to have enough energy and avoid forced recovery. Good luck

Thanks! I wish you luck too, it's hell dealing with this disorder. I hope life throws you a bone every now and then (pun not intended) bc you seem like a neat person.

Anyway,,, I really do hope you find at least a modicum of peace someday! Be it in life or death, whichever you prefer, stay safe out there.

i know this is not exactly the point of your post but i would love to see some of your art and your comics. if you'd care of share over PM id love that :)

Oh absolutely! I'll pm you, I'm always eager to share some of my art!

A bit of a ramble here but, I really wish I had the balls to share my comics in the art megathread found in the off-topic section.

and even though i don't have that much of a following online, those who do are really into what I make and the thought of someone like that recognizing me here makes my heart sink aha

So again, I really appreciate you giving me this opportunity!

 

[theboy]

You don't have to answer this question if it's either too personal or too uncomfortable, but I was wondering if you also dealt with intense stomach pain after you began eating normally?

I've experienced this many times during my own half-hearted attempts at recovery.

And it was very difficult to keep food down bc I'd get these intense bouts of nausea after eating more than what I was used to.

Anyway, I say all this bc I was wondering how you dealt with these symptoms if you had them.

I'm sorry you dealt with an ED in the past btw, I think ppl who recover are stronger than soldiers bc holy shit is it a mental minefield that affects you for the rest of your life.

no, i did not feel any pain. i did not suffer from erectile dysfunction.

 

[Spades]

no, i did not feel any pain. i did not suffer from erectile dysfunction.

ED as in eating disorder, my bad, I should have clarified.