suicide feels like the only answer at this point, so yeah. its constantly on my mind. when something bad happens the first thought is "what other choice do i have?" when something good happens the second thought is "is this really worth it?" i hate value-judging my own life experiences, but my highest highs are far outweighed by everyday lows. i cant focus on anything because the back of my mind keeps reminding me why i should kill myself. i have responsibilities and plans coming up, but i cant help but hope every second is my last, so ive still yet to prepare for those things. depression and SI keep you stagnant, which reinforces that thought of "it will be like this forever". a self fulfilling prophecy. the thing is though, even without SI, could anything realistically be done to improve our situations? i was born a villain in this world and nothing i can do will change that. my human rights are stripped away daily as society crumbles into fascist dystopia and capitalism destroys the planet, leaving millions starved and exploited in service of the 1%. none of us can escape this, but some of us lose a little sooner. i just want out of this life so desperately. there is nothing to look forward to, why do we bother fighting?
