Struggling heavily tonight. Got a second please?

[exiled]

I feel like I am struggling to come up for air; drowning, essentially. I know that I have posted about my situation a million and one times and I apologize if it is beginning to get old. This forum seems to be the only place that will give me the time of day to listen without harsh criticism or judgement. It's why I keep returning here. No one else seems to fully get why I am grieving the loss of the man who went from risking his life for me to completely ignoring my cry for help. And not just some man, no. My therapist. If you haven't seen my posts before and are interested or can generously spare some time to help me, I'll link the two posts below that sum up the situation (first one more than the second).

The Backstory

The Most Recent Update

Now, things are getting even more strange. Every session ends up having some type of playful banter or flirting, most often initiated by him. He will abruptly stop our therapeutic process out of nowhere and ask if I still trust him and feel supported by him. He admitted to me that months ago he had tried to surprise me with backstage concert tickets to my favorite band (my therapist is also in a band and has connections), but that something fell through and he was so incredibly angry about it. He expressed wishing he could've made me happy and that I would've deserved it. He even mentioned that it wouldn't have been ethically sound but he was going to do it. (If you read the backstory, you'll see that nothing he did has been ethically sound).

About a year ago, there was a gap where I wasn't able to see him for a few weeks (he was transitioning to a new practice). He had given me the name of another therapist at his new practice to let me know that I could talk to that other person until he was able to get hired at the new place officially. I never reached out to the therapist he suggested; just waited it out and eventually my therapist was hired. However, digging deeper, I found out this other therapist is not only my therapist's coworker but also a long time, good friend of his. Seems like this other therapist is also a writer, also in another band, and also became a psychotherapist later in life.

My entire life feels like it is falling apart because of my therapist. It is the biggest piece of the pie as to why I want to CTB. I still have this other therapist's phone number saved. Do I reach out to them and explain the situation? I need a second therapist to talk to about this whole situation (one that would not report him, and I assume his friend would not). I could ask this new therapist to keep it confidential and not tell my therapist that I reached out. But it feels like a risky game. I just need to talk to someone who knows my therapist well so I can get some direction as to navigate our relationship moving forward.

I am lost. I understand this all sounds so incredibly dramatic but given my history, this man has truly consumed a large part of my life and I long for us to be on close terms again. It hurts me so much how much back and forth is happening. I sent him a text tonight explaining that my depression and suicidal thoughts are getting bad and I have not gotten a response.

He used to be there for me at the drop of a hat, which is NOT what I am expecting him to do for me. However, I feel this cold distance and it's completely breaking me.

I am asking that if you do reply, that you are please compassionate toward me and also toward my therapist. I understand from an outside perspective I sound absolutely delusional or demented; it's okay. It's probably true. But that's just where I am at and I need to be met with grace at this time. Can you please help?

 

[MrDarkness]

I've been in this situation kinda, from grade 5 to 11 I've tried to get this girl to like, every means I mean it, I tried everything, she meant the world to me, but she would always ignore me when I was in a tough state, I learned that as much as you love someone, as much as they "mean" to you, if they aren't going to love you back, not flirting from time to time, loving you no matter what, if they aren't doing this they aren't worth the struggle and pain. Trust me, my heart is shattered and broken, don't fall down the endless path of one sided love

 

[suicidalloser]

I've been in this situation kinda, from grade 5 to 11 I've tried to get this girl to like, every means I mean it, I tried everything, she meant the world to me, but she would always ignore me when I was in a tough state, I learned that as much as you love someone, as much as they "mean" to you, if they aren't going to love you back, not flirting from time to time, loving you no matter what, if they aren't doing this they aren't worth the struggle and pain. Trust me, my heart is shattered and broken, don't fall down the endless path of one sided love

Another predatorial idiot straight-head.

 

[exiled]

Another predatorial idiot straight-head.

Wait, who? Me? Or him?

 

[suicidalloser]

Wait, who? Me? Or him?

Him.

 

[MrDarkness]

Him.

You shouldnt be an ass on this forum pal, instead of calling people retards maybe reply with why they are wrong? Just because your in a shitty mode doesn't me you should take it out on others

Oh nvm, you want people to hate you so you won't be missed, anger keeps people alive, you should enjoy your life and final moments with peace and not hate

 

[todiefor]

We are here to listen. It is a very complicated situation and I really feel for your you clearly sound very distraught at this man's change in attitude and coldness towards you. What would you like get off your chest?

 

[suicidalloser]

anger keeps people alive,

Abuse doesn't. Nor suicide.

should enjoy your life and final moments with peace and not hate

you don't a goddamn thing about my life, and the abuse in it. that's enjoyable, that i understand as faux.

 

[Huntfish34]

I'm kinda confused with everything going on, But it sounds like an extremely fucked off situation and I hope you can find a way through it...... Somehow or way, I hope it gets better.

Thoughts and prayers to you in whatever may happen, take care of yourself if possible. -

 

[day]

Reaching out to his coworker/friend may be a decent idea as I understand from your previous post(s) and texts we've sent to one another it seems having a second choice is ideal for you. I'm not sure how the other therapist would be able to help fully though as I feel you'll have to tip-toe with what you're really trying to say. If you're honest the new one may relay that information back and who knows how your therapist will respond to that.

I wish you well moving forward and I do understand your situation is very complex. We will chat more about it later surely but I figured I'd just leave my piece here.

You shouldnt be an ass on this forum pal, instead of calling people retards maybe reply with why they are wrong?

They've came at me simply because my PFP and a brief response to a pro-life shit post. Don't take it personal it seems to be a regular occurrence.

 

[MrDarkness]

Abuse doesn't. Nor suicide.

you don't a goddamn thing about my life, and the abuse in it. that's enjoyable, that i understand as faux.

Neither do you know anything about my life don't assume.

Reaching out to his coworker/friend may be a decent idea as I understand from your previous post(s) and texts we've sent to one another it seems having a second choice is ideal for you. I'm not sure how the other therapist would be able to help fully though as I feel you'll have to tip-toe with what you're really trying to say. If you're honest the new one may relay that information back and who knows how your therapist will respond to that.

I wish you well moving forward and I do understand your situation is very complex. We will chat more about it later surely but I figured I'd just leave my piece here.


They've came at me simply because my PFP and a brief response to a pro-life shit post. Don't take it personal it seems to be a regular occurrence.

Ah ok, after I learned the purpose of the reply I stopped being annoyed I know what they wish to achieve, besides that isn't the second hateful reply I've seen on this forum, the rest of this forum has been kind and supportive

 

[ApparentlyNot]

I want you to know that I've read your entire first post and this post, and I am so sorry for what you have endured.

I need to be blunt. Your therapist is clearly mentally ill and potentially dangerous. I remember reading a post from someone else saying he has unresolved trauma related to his sister's suicide, but that's really putting it mildly. When you said the stuff about him waiting outside your apartment in a ski mask and stuff that became apparent. I know you care for him deeply. But you are kidding yourself as a woman if you do not believe there is something more to this relationship than a sibling/family type of affection. There is a power component for him, and you are an easy target for exacting that type of dynamic. There is a romantic and/or sexual component as well, and I think you know that on some level.

I know that you deeply care for him, but just as he finally convinced you that the positive emotions associated with your family stem almost entirely from trauma and stockholm syndrome, I hope to convince you the same of your positive emotions towards him. Whether that love is real or not is not the question. Whether that love is healthy and serving your best interest is my concern. He is not helping you. You are in a toxic, codependent relationship. He has gaslit you on many occasions and emotionally manipulated you. I am not saying he is a villain or bad person, I actually think he sounds lovely and kind, and I do believe his care for you is genuine, but he is in need of psychiatric help, he is not in the business of BEING a psychiatric professional in his current state.

There are a lot of specific examples that, and I'm not trying to be mean toward him, that just give me major ick as a woman. So many red flags. I am worried about you, because I know, ultimately, that you want him in your life - toxicity and all. I feel like I have nothing of value to say to you, but I just want you to know that I'm reading all your posts and I care and I'm concerned. I know it will hurt and feel lonely, but please consider getting another therapist. And, maybe take his... I'm sorry... very creepy, borderline abusive advice to seek therapy from a woman. I really hope I didn't upset you or make things worse for you.

 

[day]

the rest of this forum has been kind and supportive

For the most part this place is very safe and well mannered towards everyone. Can't expect everyone to be on that wavelength though I suppose.

Best wishes for you as well friend. Stay safe.

 

[aGoodDayToDie]

There's a good reason why therapists aren't supposed to form relationships with their clients. It leads to bad places most of the time. Best thing you can do is move on, get support from elsewhere

 

[HopefulSleep]

I've been in this situation kinda, from grade 5 to 11 I've tried to get this girl to like, every means I mean it, I tried everything, she meant the world to me, but she would always ignore me when I was in a tough state, I learned that as much as you love someone, as much as they "mean" to you, if they aren't going to love you back, not flirting from time to time, loving you no matter what, if they aren't doing this they aren't worth the struggle and pain. Trust me, my heart is shattered and broken, don't fall down the endless path of one sided love

Love is an illusion so humans are more likely to reproduce just as anything else in this dumb fake world, it just releases oxytocine in your brain for certain people, I hate how everything in this world doesn't seem like a real thing if that makes sense.
No girl I ever loved was kind to me, they bullied me or ended contact when I told them my romantic feelings, dumb unfair world.

 

[todiefor]

Yeah however you feel and whatever you decide to do, as others have suggested, it makes sense to get another therapist, either on top of this one or in replacement. You will have someone else to talk to and have a different perspective on things. if getting him in trouble is stopping you from seeking alternate help, perhaps talk more generally as if he was a colleague or something to start with and go from there.

 

[skittles!]

I know it may be hard to come to terms with this, but you should stop seeing this man as your therapist immediately. Therapists and psychiatrists who act this way towards patients are at risk of having their license pulled and are generally dirtbags who aren't great at their job anyway.

 

[exiled]

I am appreciating all the feedback even if it isn't necessarily what I want to hear. This is such a hard situation and this, mixed with just the story of my life in general, is tempting me to CTB soon. I don't know how much longer I can handle this pain. I am hurting immensely and I feel messed with by a mental health professional. Like the one person who is supposed to help me is further playing with my emotions. Feels like a new level of rock bottom.

 

[Aisley]

I am appreciating all the feedback even if it isn't necessarily what I want to hear. This is such a hard situation and this, mixed with just the story of my life in general, is tempting me to CTB soon. I don't know how much longer I can handle this pain. I am hurting immensely and I feel messed with by a mental health professional. Like the one person who is supposed to help me is further playing with my emotions. Feels like a new level of rock bottom.

If it makes it smoother for you, I really don't think ANYTHING he did here was on purpose. He reacted to you, from the beginning, in a way he couldn't handle, and at some point he realized that. I don't think he's a shitty guy, but I'm pretty sure he's a shitty therapist. And you may be more of a representation to him than a person facing your own real stakes. Common enough barrier for women to deal with in men, really.
I don't think his "friend" therapist would do anything but further fuck everything up for you, and strengthen the barriers around you that are "of him", further isolating you in this very specific mess. If possible, I think it would be ideal for you to go to an entirely new person, keep this guy as your crutch, but get someone new, and talk about your therapist to them like he was a doctor or something. Or a school councelor, maybe? Camp councelor? In some way that you don't get him fired and feel like shit.

 

[HoldOnToThatHope]

That must be incredible difficult for you. But yes, it sounds like your therapist is being unprofessional and has been crossing the line multiple times. It's difficult to accept but you have already made that realisation. The best thing to do is open up to the second therapist whose number you have and explain your situation.
I believe you got that strength in you to make that call!

Wishing you all the best. :)