Struggles with passive suicidal ideation

[C:/]

I've been a user on here for a couple months now, joined when I was really deep into my plans to ctb. I've gotten out of that mindset, but every now and then I still have days where I just wanna curl up and die. It's a painful feeling in my chest where I cannot function at all, shit can be rough. I have found that I don't really care all that much with change, consequences, etc. When something bad happens, it doesn't affect me at all for some reason. It's just a constant numbing of feelings. It's an ideology around these parts, "I don't wanna ctb but I don't want to be alive". I have noticed off my life360 that I tend to speed a lot more and do more risky actions. Do I live more? Yes. Does it help with my passive suicidal ideation? No. There isn't much of am escape from this. I cam drink all the alcohol and smoke all the cigarettes I want, it won't change me.

Those who suffer with the same ideology as me, what is it like? How do you cope? Do you believe there will ever be an end to this?

 

[godsseepiestsoldier]

I usually just spend an ungodly amount of time playing games, vns, otome games and just daydreaming or general escapism stuff. Helps me feel like im not living my life or playing stuff with a death theme helps me feel like im dying

 

[C:/]

I really relate to that, either when I am in a lecture or just at home I try to find a way to escape from reality. I've racked up a lot of hours in games, but I have found modifying computers and tech in general captivating me for hours on end.

The issue is that I tend to just focus on this one fixation for days on end, pushing the other things in my life away. My room is quite a mess right now with trash, clothes, etc because after class I am drained and just want to disassociate in my room.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

Those who suffer with the same ideology as me, what is it like? How do you cope? Do you believe there will ever be an end to this?

My main coping strategies are keeping me distracted and slowly make progress on preparing everything for my death. I do some fun stuff like watching anime or talking to people I met from this site, apart from that I only really do research on computer security so nothing gets dug up or can reasonably be dug up since I want to be forgotten when I die.

I do some very minor good acts like answering peoples questions of tech forums or on here occasionally. My life is quite boring but I try to cope with it hoping some of the things I did provided more value to others than my life ever did.